05.21.04
What can we at Heck's Kitchen possibly add to the Truth, the Myth, the Legend of Claire Zulkey? We could talk about her smartly-attired new book, Girls! Girls! Girls!, but we are lazy, and the reviewers over at Amazon are like, trained and stuff. We could make her show off her famous wit by posing a series of clever questions, but the hoi polloi have that covered, too. She's extraordinarily prolific; she's masterfully interviewed everyone from Dave Barry to Janice Zulkey, and she's been capably interrogated herself by Facsimilation, Reinventing the World, Lucky Dip, Arriviste Press, and Word Riot. She fixes up something daily at Zulkey.com. She's even on Friendster. In short, the Great and Generous Claire Zulkey is everywhere, and we have nothing to add. But we've always got more photos than the other guy, and we can try to get her to talk about US. So let's see what happens when

CZ: I'm ready for my interview!

HK: Oh, good. Thanks for joining us today, and may I add that you are looking great.

CZ: Thanks! I'm wearing my new red Pumas.

HK: It is hard to get people to take you seriously, being so terribly cute?

CK: Sometimes. I have to stand up on my tippy-toes and say in my high squeaky voice, "Hey! I'm a writer, too! Not just a cute face!" Then I lie down and take a nap because I'm all tuckered out and dream about my favorite things, ice cream and puppies.

HK: Ok, let's get started for real, and callers, the lines are open. I'd like to be the first interviewer who doesn't ask you about the Chicago White Sox, Elvis Costello, shoes, or macaroni and cheese. Do you have an exciting new obsession that we'll be the first to know about?

CZ: Well my obsession with Diet Pepsi continues but I think my newest obsession is with Lean Cuisine. I used to really avoid frozen meals because they seemed so pitiful and bachelor-y for some reason, but they're actually really, really good (except the ones with potatoes). I'm considering writing them a letter. Oh. And I'm also obsessed with this awful Diet Coke commercial, but in a bad way. Have you heard this radio commercial? This chick describing Diet Coke, and how its 'bite' makes you want to 'snarl and then wink. Are you good or are you bad? It's anyone's guess at this point.' What the f is that? Jesus Christ. At least Diet Pepsi just describes itself as what it is: crisp, refreshing and delicious. Anyway, I'm tempted to write a complaining letter to Diet Coke to tell them to cut it out.

HK: Claire, you were here in DC last weekend, for a VIF and HIPS benefit/book reading and a visit with your Georgetown friends. How did all that go?

(Caller #1, Bob B. of DC adds, "Who was your favorite of Jenny Miller's friends? Who did you like the least? Please be as specific as possible. If you've forgotten all these people already, feel free to imagine people that you could have met through Jenny Miller but did not.")

CZ: The reading went really well. I wore my new Kanye West T-shirt and got complimented on it. And I drank and met some cute girls and some acceptable boys. I don't really like reading but fortunately I had some good laughing friends in the audience so at least they seemed entertained. I like Jenny Miller because she's adorable and I want to give her noogies. So is Sarah Loffman--she has amazing skin. I like Bob because he told me my butt is 'miraculous,' if I remember correctly. I didn't like this one kid Brian, because he was like, "Hey, our group is coming through Chicago--can the 5 of us crash at your apartment?" Actually, he was pretty ok but I had to come up with somebody to say something bad about. Also, there was one girl there who my friend Christina knew, but the girl acted like she didn't know Christina. Then she sang in a band. But on the flip side, she threw candy into the audience so really how can you complain about that?

HK: You have interviewed a number of more-famous people on your site, much like I am interviewing a more-famous person right now. Is this the sort of bullshit I can expect when I'm more-famous? Or is all the love and glamour worth dealing with the little people?

CZ: I think this is pretty much the bullshit you can expect, only if you're more famous than me, you'll probably be asked about what it was like to host Saturday Night Live and what it was like to win an Oscar and stuff, and nobody has asked me any of that, which sort of makes sense.

HK: Hmm-hmm. Now, you've got your first book under your belt, life is good in Chicago, and at least one prominent writer on this site has declared you the second coming of David Sedaris. So the question from our caller, Brian M. of NYC, is, "ask her the most inappropriate thing she's ever said."

CZ: Hmm. I say a lot of inappropriate things when nobody's looking. Some I'm too embarrassed to tell here. I guess the one I can discuss that involves the least amount of embarassment and backstory is the following conversation:

ME: [washing bird shit off my coat in the ladies' restroom at work.]
COWORKER: what happened?
ME: I got crapped on.
COWORKER: by a bird?
ME: No, by a person.

This doesn't seem that inappropriate but what you didn't know is the co-worker in question is sort of disabled so I felt like a jerk being so sarcastic to a handicapped person.

HK: Brian would like to add, "ask her if these jeans make my butt look big. ha! no, seriously, ask her what's the worst outfit she's ever worn."

CZ: The outfit I wore to the reading in DC was pretty bad--I mixed a t-shirt with a weird skirt. What else. Does childhood count? Because it consisted of a lot of Esprit, and a lot of those clothes that you can buy in plastic bags that are guaranteed to mix and match with all the others.

HK: I'll offer my worst outfit, too. It was 1985, and the first day of 7th grade. I wore cream-colored stirrup pants, black and white checked Vans, a red and black striped button down shirt, with a giant gold v-necked sweater, which I wore backwards. I topped this off with a permed mullet.

CZ: Oh, I had a couple of pairs of stirrup pants, sure. I also had a rainbow striped hoodie that I bought at Merry-Go-Round or something. This was my 'hip hop' phase.

HK: Speaking of those days of yore, we have another caller. Sarah of DC asks, "Were you in any clubs in high school? Also, what's Chicago like?"

CZ: I was what was known as a 'joiner' in high school, because I had what was known as 'parents who were convinced I had to be involved in nine thousand activities in order to get into college.' So I was on the volleyball and badminton teams. I was in Honor Society. I was on the school newspaper. I was in symphony. I wrote for and sat on board for two different dramatic productions. I did stage crew. And I was also in a gang. Chicago is currently really cold and rainy, but it also possesses a diner where I had a tuna melt for lunch today, which makes rainy days seem all right.

JM: I have a writerly question. What's your writing routine? Do you write every day? At a certain time? Certain place? Help.

CZ: I write at work because I can't be bothered to write when I'm at home because it might interrupt with my precious television-watching time. So I try and get everything done before I leave the office. This is sort of problematic when I have a website and I ostensibly have to come up with something for it. This is why I have 2 columns, a list day and an interview day, so only one day a week do I actually have to come up with something original, should everything go to plan.

JM: We've got Bob "Miraculous Butt" Brumfield back on the line. Go ahead, Bob. "you can tell a lot about people from the magazines they read. i myself (i being jenny miller) am a big periodical reader. i love sports illustrated and playboy. what are some of your favorite periodicals and why?"

CZ: I subscribe to the New Yorker, Esquire, Jane and InStyle. Oh, I get Vanity Fair, too. I think I am going to phase out Jane and possibly replace it with Allure. My mom also gives me copies of magazines she's done with so I like Elle because it actually has good essays and stuff. I buy Maxim, US and People when I go on plane rides. I am not very discriminating. If a magazine has a photo of a celebrity looking crappy, I'll probably pick it up.

HK: Here's one I've been wondering. When did you know you were "different" from the other kids?

CZ: The day my X-ray vision started kicking in, and I realized, "Whoah. This is serious."

HK: I've read that your next project might be an anthology of your interviews. But what are you REALLY working on?

CZ: My friend and I might be pitching around a top-secret project that involves chick-lit books. I'm also waiting to see if I got into grad school, working on some freelance stuff and getting ready to have my eyeballs sliced open when I get Lasik in a few weeks.

HK: You heard it hear first! Claire, you have a lot of fans over here, thanks to your immense talent, and my tireless promoting. Thanks for Zulkey.com, and thanks for dropping in. I'm sure all my readers will now run out and buy your book. Uh, I had another question. What was it?

CZ: It was, "Enough about you...let's talk about me."

HK: Right! Thanks, Claire. You're the best. Parting thoughts?

CZ: I don't really have anything clever or sarcastic or funny to say. You are cuter than a molecule on a speck on a bug's ear. Yes you are! And thanks for the interview! You did an extra-good job! Yay!!!!!

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