01.22.03
Today we welcome Suzanne Marcus to Heck's Kitchen. Suzanne left DC for the New School in NY, and things haven't been the same around here ever since. She is one of our very favorite people! Thanks for joining us, Suzanne.

Suze: I'm jazzed to be here.

HK: So you have moved to the bigger city to pursue your dream of becoming a public policy maker. What has been the toughest transition for you? Not being the bigshot you were in DC? Not having dates? Not understanding cost-benefit analysis?

Suze: Definitely not understanding cost-benefit analysis. This was a tremendous blow to my ego. Despite all my efforts, I still have a 3rd grade understanding of economics. I can't determine the internal rate of return of an investment. I can't convert Costa Rican colones into American dollars. I told my TA that I must have an undiagnosed LD and she said, "You don't have an LD." But I think she was being nice.

HK: Tell us the story about your friend with the queer dog/cat problem.

Suze: My friend has a mini greyhound (I forget what they're called) and it had a false pregnancy. It even lactated but the vet said it was totally psychological. Around that time she adopted a kitten. The dog believed that the kitten was it's pup and the kitten thought the dog was it's mom. The dog suckled the kitten. Subsequently, the baby cat got morbidly obese. This made it hard for the dog to carry the cat around, which it insisted on doing. My friend tried to separate them but they both freaked out. Sometimes she still catches the cat sucking on the dog's teat, even though the dog is dry. She finds them doing it on her bed, under the covers. Like they know it's sinful.

HK: Interesting. Suzanne, you are a notorious for your ability to accidentally offend people, and in some cases, like that of your poor little sister, you even accidentally harm people physically. Can you explain your popularity, in light of these apparent fatal flaws? Is it just good looks, or is it perhaps the way you make your peers feel special by asking them endless series of earnest questions?

Suze: It is true, I offend people with great frequency for two reasons — I talk more than the average girl and I'm easily excitable. Sometimes I mistake my audience for people who can appreciate the irony in a longtime feminist and activist making"sexist" comments. I can't explain why I still have friends. Perhaps it's because I'm not racist. No one likes a racist.

HK: How true that is. Suzanne, do you regret going on that lame date with the lame wedding photographer who snapped this nice picture?

Suze: Yes, I do regret that date. If any of your readers know of tall, single men of distinction in NYC please put them in contact with me.

HK: I understand you recently attended a very inspiring gathering of the nation's reproductive rights leaders. Would you care to comment on that, and/or tell us about Wednesday's action at the Supreme Court?

Suze: The panel consisted of prominent leaders in the abortion rights movement. I was most impressed with Heather Booth, who founded the Jane Collective. Before abortion was legal, the Jane Collective was a group of young women (none of whom were medical professionals) who trained themselves to perform safe abortions for low-income women in Chicago. They managed to perform thousands of covert abortions before the homicide police arrested five of the members. While the women were awaiting trial, Roe vs. Wade was passed and they were set free. But Bush is doing his best to peel away what reproductive rights women do have in this country and it's imperative that we fight him hard on this.

There is a rally to celebrate the 30th Anniversary of Roe vs. Wade at 12:30 - 1:30 PM on Wednesday, January 22 at the Supreme Court (One First Street, NE - The most convenient metro stops are Capitol South on the Orange and Blue Lines, and Union Station on the Red Line). It's organized by the Planned Parenthood Federation of America. Visit www.saveROE.com, sign petitions and contact your senators.

HK: Thanks, Suze, you have been a treat as usual. Parting thoughts?

Suze: Just that it's an honor to be interviewed by HK. Even my sister's boyfriend, Joe, visits frequently.