The first time I slammed the door I knew this was going to be my true form of expression. I did raise it to a new level of art. And I didnıt stop there. Door slamming then led to kicking in walls and throwing pots and pans. I realized I loved making noise! I finally tore off that pretty pink bow. I was no longer the barkless girl.
I had always been known as the sweet one. So compliant and quiet. Well, at 30 I woke up and smelled that the coffee was burning. It was scary. I woke up to the fact that I was married and standing in some kitchen with just an apron and grey high heels. I was clearly being someone that wasnıt me for someone else. I had become a Stepford Wife! This then became the first time I got really truly frightened. Iım talking about chilled to the bone frightened. No intruder, no mugging at knifepoint, this was my life. I had to do something for relief. I had to get out of Stepford!
It literally took ten more years before I broke free completely. Broke free of illusion after illusion. I remember waking up hungover on my 40th birthday at the 4 Queens Hotel And Casino in Las Vegas and rushing off to the little plastic bathroom in our hotel room and crying my ass off, not really knowing what was wrong. I made up a lie to explain the tears and successfully placated my husband once again. We got on the plane and flew back home.
In my breaking free I caused some damage. Made a lot of noise. It was messy, but shit, sometimes you just got to go there. During this period of breaking free I read the Clarrissa Pinkola book Women Who Run With The Wolves. It gave me courage. It helped me understand a little about this change that was happening inside me.
I still live with the barkless girl but I am a musician and get to make all the noise I want. And I am very careful about blacking out and ending up in strange kitchens with just an apron and grey high heels.
By Jennifer
