05.17.04
At long last, from the man who brought us All About the Whiskey Rebellion, and complete with his suggested illustrations, HK is very proud to present...

SP: If you had a hammer, what would you do with it?

RT: I actually have several hammers. I think my favorite one is the short-handled 6 pound sledgehammer. If I had it with me right now I would crush a can with it.

SP: Sounds like some one has a little pent up aggression! Perhaps that's because you work with lotsa crazy people. What's the craziest thing you've heard while working at the National Portrait Gallery?

RT: Not really, I just like to whack stuff. The craziest thing I have heard while working at the portrait gallery? Hmmm . . . That would be the story of the museum director who had to raise $80 million in 10 months to reopen his museum and who yelled at the only person on his lame, decrepit staff who had any idea how to raise money. After this egomaniacal display, he went to the fundraiser's boss to complain about her. "I can't work with this woman's insubordination!" the museum director thundered. "You don't have to," the woman's boss replied, "she just quit!" Ha Ha! Now the museum director's boss is greatly displeased.

SP: Sheesh. That place is a mess! You must be amped to get out of there, especially since the Lansdowne's rock-n-roll tour of the country is coming to a close. What's next for Michael Fox?

RT: Yes, I believe my job here at the National Portrait Gallery is done. I made a half-assed attempt to get into the grad school at U of MD, but, sadly, got shit-canned. So now I'm looking at a whole bunch of other grad schools for next fall (05). Meanwhile I need to find some other job so I'm looking over at Mt. Vernon (which could be fun) and other museumey, historicalish places. I would sort of like to work at the National Colonial Farm so I could hang out with that adorable pig we saw. That guy is spunky and needs a friend that's not afraid to jump in the mud!

SP: Everyone knows you are a walking compendium of historicalish knowledge, perhaps its time to open your own museumey place. If you did, what would its focus be?

RT: Now, that's a tough one. SSB is always asking me the same question. I always thought I would want to be in a beautiful place in the West--I like to think I have some sort of "connection" to the places I study. But maybe not, maybe I need some run-down old southern mansion-type place where I can sit on the front porch in a rocking chair and be a historical re-enactor. Wearing a white linen suit, drinking a mint julep and talking to tourists: "Yes, I can tell you all about the Great War and how those damn Yankees destroyed the republic back in '61!"

SP: Maybe your ideas are simply too big to be saddled to one lil' bitty location. Perhaps you could offer traveling historicalish tours? Design the perfect cross-country road trip for HK readers. Name at least three things folks must see.

RT: Three things, huh? Well, I would start in Cody, Wyoming at the Buffalo Bill Historical Center and the Cody Night Rodeo, head west through Yellowstone and Grand Teton National Park, Go south to Dinosaur National Monument then farther south to Monument Valley and Canyonlands National Park, then to the Grand Canyon (every American MUST see the GC at some point their lives) and end up at the Maverick gas station in downtown Flagstaff, AZ. Everyone goes there.

SP: That sounds way better than sitting in a cube. Ahhhh, graaaaaand teeeeetooooons . . . Sorry! I'm back. Seem to have lost my train of thought. Um . . . What question have you been wishing I'd ask you?

RT: "How would your life have been different if you had let your aunt and uncle maneuver you into attending the United States Naval Academy following your graduation from high school?"

SP: What a coincidence, I was just about to ask you that! Do tell.

RT: Wow, that's tough to predict. I'm pretty sure I would have gotten my ass whipped at the Naval Academy but I probably would have survived. As a kid I was pretty patriotic (still am!) and probably would have been molded into a half-way serious naval officer. I don't go for that hot-doggery fighter pilot stuff so I most likely would have followed my great-uncle's footsteps when he left the academy and gone into surface warfare operations. I would probably be captain of my very own Aegis-class destroyer by now!

SP: Fancy that - your very own destroyer! Since we're on the topic of being destroyed, if you were to have me and jm over for another scrumptious dinner, could you handle the excitement and avoid slipping into a state of unconsciousness?

RT: Definitely! Believe it or not there's a lot to do around our house--especially in spring and summer. There are kooky frogs and toads to monitor in addition to our usual loopy pets. Plus, excellent swamp journeys can be arranged. Don't forget those rubber boots!

SP: That's sounds super. You should definitely invite us over right away. We promise to show up on time, and bring back all those great books we swiped. Thanks so much for joining us. I will close this interview with a very silly question (and a preposition). Which muppet do you have the most in common with?

RT: I'll get right on that invite. This has been super fun SP! Come back anytime! Which muppet? Grover.

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