05.06.04

And now for our Feature Presentation: Suzanne interviews Marcel, on a subject I've never had reason to consider. I'll let Suze do the honors:

ManScaping 101, with Marcel

"A few weeks ago i asked Marcel, on behalf of a male friend on mine, how he tames his body hair. I expected a quick answer, but instead i got a comprehensive course: ManScaping 101. Anyway, this information needs to be codified and so that is why I chose to interview Marcel on this topic for HK. Also he wanted me to know that Queer Eye for the Straight Guy thought up the term 'ManScaping' and covered the technique in one of their broadcasts last year-- so please don't credit him with the name. however Marcel maintains he was doing it before he saw that show. Enjoy."

Suze: Marcel, at what point did you decide that body hair removal was a practice you should be engaged in?

I think it was after I "quit" smoking (i.e., buying cigarettes) and cut back my drinking in February, 2000-- after I barfed in a cab on the way home from a particularly heinous night of drinking where I downed about 10 martinis on an empty stomach at Barracuda with friends Tatiana and Erica in tow. Anyhow, after that night, I realized that I was behaving badly and it showed. My full-sized spare was over-inflated to the point of explosion and I had that sallow tint to my face that alcoholics tend to get. In short, I was a mess. I started running and getting in shape and that's when I realized that Spring was coming but I couldn't possibly don shorts with my legs a mess like they naturally are. I needed to help speed the defining process by toning my body hair, as well as my body!

As far as the back and shoulders waxing is concerned, that is something that must be done before heading to the beach. The rest of the year it doesn't matter so much, but the nice thing about that is the more you do it, the less it grows back and the lighter it is. It's really true what they say. So, I'm finding that I can let it go longer and longer in between appointments. Anyhow, I just think that when you're at the beach, there is NO excuse for having that situation back there.

Suze: No excuse, indeed! I know many people fear the waxing process. Especially when it's administered by harsh Russian women under questionable sanitary conditions. Did you have any initial reservations to getting waxed? If so, how did you overcome them? Have you ever had a bad wax job?

I never had any fear. I mean, the end result is such a reward that you look right past any pain. The only time I had any reservations was AFTER the wax job. The first time I had it done, everything went smoothly (pardon the pun!) until the next day, when I got out of the shower and noticed a billion white-tipped red bumps on my shoulders and back. I was appalled-- it looked like I had smallpox! Well, turns out that when you do get waxed, you really should refuse any MINERAL OIL they give you because it blocks your pores and irritates the already-irritated follicles. I definitely learned my lesson that time. Also, it's best not to shower right after the treatment has been administered. Are you using my last name in this interview?

Anyhow, I have had a bad waxing experience, and in the most unlikely place! I had an appointment at an upscale "men only" salon in Manhattan and they totally botched the wax. And, the woman really had no clue what she was doing. She didn't "blend" my chest/shoulder growth so it looked natural. In fact, she didn't even wax my shoulders at all! It was a mess. She was so timid, too, not at all like the Babushkas I've come to trust for their hard-handed ways. She seemed afraid to really let it rip and I don't think she got every hair. Also, because it was in Manhattan and because the location specialized in men, I had to pay more, which is really unfortunate. It cost TWICE as much as other places. BTW, for your purposes, the going rate is $30, give or take a few for tip. And, you DO have to tip.

Suze: Marcel, thanks for these tips. If you don't mind, I'd like to shift to the topic of leg and chest shaving. I know you do this without the assistance of a hair removal professional. Isn't that risky? What advise can you give to all the men out there who want to ManScape, but are paralyzed by the possibility of making a humiliating mistake? And how does a man's sexuality factor into his approach to chest and leg hair removal?

What can I say? I feel like I've been set up! Talk about a hardball - Move over Chris Matthews!

Let's just say I take risks. But, modern technology ensures risks can be minimal, as long as you use common sense. Make sure you have a clipper with settings, that's all. You don't undertake ManScaping with a Daisy razor!

In terms of sexuality and the process, I'd say the length says a lot. If you want to look "gay" you should clip your chest hair really short. If you just want to put your house in order, just clip to eliminate swirls and strays.

Suze: Well, this wouldn't be a fair and balanced interview if I didn't ask the hard hitting question. On that note, how do you clean up all those dark and curly "swirls and strays" after a ManScaping session? Your bathroom is so clean that I'd birth a baby in your toilet. What is your secret?

It's simple, really. You have to conduct the session in a controlled environment, like inside the bathtub or shower stall. Then you can either vacuum it up (make sure the tub hasn't been used in at least 24 hours to eliminate electrocution risk!) or you can sweep it up and dispose in a bag. Whatever you do, you NEVER wash it down the drain, ESPECIALLY if you're living in a rented domecile!

And, on the second part of your question-- I recommend against birthing in toilets. I think the bathtub is acceptable, though?

Suze: I think many men want to manicure their body hair but are too embarrassed to ask these questions and so they suffer in silence. Are there any parting comments or tips you'd like to leave HK readers with? And could you just say a word or two about armpits?

I'm a modest woman. I'd say men shouldn't flaunt their body hair-care regiment. Keep it to yourself. If I could find a way to tame my wild reeds, any man can. I'm not a revolutionary.

Armpits? Keep them trim. Women get really grossed out about busy armpits. The hair should be no longer than 1 inch and the "borders" should be defined. I'm not saying wax them or shave them-- but make sure that things are tidy down there.

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