DC public servants Pridin' it up, looking sincere.
Cheers,
queers!
Pride was fun. I didn't see much of the parade, due to my small stature
and disinclination to stand in a crowd, but I DID see Mayor Fenty and Congresswoman
Eleanor Holmes Norton. They were both on foot and seemed psyched to
be there. Fenty threw beads, of which the gay men couldn't seem to get enough.
Then it rained and a few of us ducked into the always hospitable and unpretentious
Townhouse
Tavern, which was soon packed to the gills with lesbians. It kind of
ruled.
Later The New Gay guys, Zack and Michael, hosted Mousetrap at the Black
Cat. Good times were had by all, even by #1 lesbro Dave, who learned that
he hates Britpop.
En route Vicki demonstrated bicycle safety:
Accomplished and Youthful People We Know
Here is where we show off our friends and girlfriends. As esg said, "Our
babies are famous! So proud. Lookit all our cool friends!" 30
Under 30, at the Blade.
"Even the Black Cat is getting into the act, as it hosts a special
quasi-Pride edition of Mousetrap. No, your eyes aren't deceiving you.
Michael and Zack of happening local blog The New Gay are joining resident
DJ Mark Zimin at what they're calling "a co-ed, straight-friendly,
alternaqueer Pride event." Even better: They're taking requests on
TheNewGay.net. The crowd will
probably still be mostly straight -- this is D.C.'s biggest and longest-running
Britpop night -- but it's a welcome alternative for those not interested
in the house music offered at most other Pride parties."
First, you can check out the D.C. Dyke March at Dupont Circle on Saturday
at 2 p.m. The New Gay reported
yesterday afternoon that the march is looking for volunteer marshals,
baked goods, and of course a few good boobies.
And speaking of our friends at the New Gay, they're holding another trademark
co-ed, alterna-queer party. This time around, it's Mousetrap: Pride Edition,
to be held at the Black Cat main stage tomorrow night at 9:30 p.m. RSVP
on Facebook if you plan to attend.
*Coinage by Coach.
Dept. of Corrections
Last night I was informed that I'd misattributed the following very good
joke. The true author is Diane, according to Diane. HK regrets the error.
I guess the
people would rather hear from a fictional JPEG cat than from me, because
the questions just keep rolling in. It's a veritable avalanche of inquiry.
Send yours to Ask
Chairman Meow, 7800 Beverly Blvd., Los Angeles, CA 90036.
Q. I'm hoping John McCain has some unsavory romantic
history. Could you dig something up?
Ted Sampley, who fought with US Special Forces in Vietnam and is now a
leading campaigner for veterans’ rights, said: ‘I have been following
John McCain’s career for nearly 20 years. I know him personally. There
is something wrong with this guy and let me tell you what it is – deceit.
‘When he came home and saw that Carol was not the beauty he left behind,
he started running around on her almost right away. Everybody around him
knew it.
‘Eventually he met Cindy and she was young and beautiful and very
wealthy. At that point McCain just dumped Carol for something he thought
was better.
‘This is a guy who makes such a big deal about his character. He has
no character. He is a fake. If there was any character in that first marriage,
it all belonged to Carol.’
Q. Who is the greatest female athlete in the
world today? Even though I cover sports for a living, I don't have time
for the ladies, unless I am making jokes about the WNBA.
- Every male newspaper sportswriter in the country
Chairman Meow: The most fabulous woman in sports today is Mexican
golfer Lorena Ochoa. From SI, Lorena
Ochoa: Simply the Best.
Every golf tour is as insular and gossipy as high school, and the cliquishness
is exaggerated among the couple of hundred women who make up the LPGA. But
even as Ochoa makes a mockery of the competition, having won a mind-boggling
20 tournaments in 54 starts since April 2006, it is nearly impossible to
find a fellow player who doesn't gush about her.
"She is by far the sweetest, kindest, most giving person walking the
earth," says LPGA veteran Christina Kim, a longtime friend of Ochoa's.
"She has that inner light. I think she's been touched by God. Honestly,
I'm surprised she hasn't been canonized yet. I'm not exaggerating —
she is the greatest thing ever: a cross between Tiger Woods and Mother Teresa."
Q. I am a tall man on my short friend's very
small bike. What do I look like?
- Brian Minter, DC
Chairman Meow: You look like this.
Q. What happens to squirrels when they die?
- Squirrels
Chairman Meow: Our friend RT has discovered that squirrels go to
Squirrel
Heaven.
Q. Why aren't there any nice songs about rats?
- Rats
Chairman Meow: Maybe you'll like this song that Coach sent, CSS
- Rat Is Dead (Rage). Then again, maybe you won't. But she says, "That
band cansei de ser sexy is spota be mostly dykes. they currently have my
fave song about domestic violence. they're also the peeps that do that 'music
is my hot hot sex' song for the apple commercial."
Now Emerson House has almost seen it all: Les and Oscar Wedding, June 7, 2008!
Ask Chairman Meow
Welcome to Ask Chairman Meow, an irregular HK installment which last appeared
on December 14, 2004, wherein our seldom
seen mascot answers REAL questions from REAL readers, like you. Please direct
your queries to Ask
Chairman Meow.
Q.
The dumb blonde jokes are really starting to get to me. Do you
have any advice?
- Samantha Ronson, LA
Chairman Meow: You should listen to Dolly Parton, who said, "I'm
not offended by dumb blonde jokes because I know that I'm not dumb. I
also know I'm not blonde."
Q. I once had a high profile, white collar job,
but now that I'm a writer I think it's time I got a tattoo. But, I'm not
sure what is the difference between a great tattoo and a terrible tattoo.
Can you help?
PS. I am also single.
- Scott McClellan
Chairman Meow: I'm glad you asked, Scott. Pictured below at left
is my friend Shauna's new tattoo. It is awesome. At right is an example
of a tattoo one might come to regret (from Radar
Bad Tattoos gallery).
Q. I understand there was a large party in my
neighborhood on Saturday night. Once I find photographic evidence, I'm
going to bust it up.
- Mayor Fenty, DC
Chairman Meow: That party was actually the wedding of Oscar and
Les, former Emerson House resident. Brian
has posted a few pictures.
Q. My life is a complete mess. Can you recommend
a fun country song to lift my spirits? Thanks!
- Mindy McCready, Nashville
Chairman Meow: You're finally catching a break, Mindy, as I just
spent an entire day driving through the South with only a radio for company.
And now this site will link for the first and last time to a Toby Keith
song.
Q.
I have friends who've worked backstage who tell me horror stores about
demands from some pretentious bands. Like, they need fresh-squeezed lime
juice for their gin and tonics, or whatever. Do you have any stories like
that? You can keep it anonymous, of course :) Or who are your favorite
bands who have been the most pleasant and fun?
Even in our sleep, pain which cannot forget falls drop by drop upon
the heart, until, in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom
through the awful grace of God.
Occasionally I make the mistake of reading sections of the paper that aren't
Food, Sports, or Comics. And now that my mom and stepdad are moving to Uganda,
I find myself making that mistake more often. Because when the headline
says UGANDA
- Tribal Chief Issues Plea Against Military Action, or worse, Africa's
Messiah of Horror, both referring to Joseph Kony and his Lord's Resistance
Army, you have to stop and be astounded at the evil that men do. And wonder
why the hell we do nothing about these nauseating genocides, choosing instead,
say, to pick a war with Iraq for "9/11," which was carried out by dudes
like these, currently on trial. Note their nationalities.
Not to grossly oversimplify...but fucking pick a war we can feel good about,
all right? Sometimes we peaceniks want bloody justice, too.
I've got the French Open on ESPN2, which was the #2 motivation behind my
campaign to work from home (#1 being Wimbledon). The earlier women's semifinal
matched Serb against Serb, and this one pits Russian vs. Russian. The Russians,
Dinara Safina and Svetlana Kuznetsova, seem to be emulating Maria Sharapova
(vanquished by Safina in the quarters). Their better-known countrywoman
is famous for her decibels. Sayth the New York Times, "Shrieking and
swearing like a street fighter, Maria Sharapova was in no mood to accept
that she was about to blow another lead in the fourth round of the French
Open against Dinara Safina." But Safina and Kuznetsova are no slouches.
They are moaning and shrieking their little hearts out. You need only Google
any of their names + grunt to generate audio evidence and commentary aplenty.
There are those who think the grunting is crass gamesmanship. Others say
it's just like the vocalized release of energy familiar from martial arts.
Hi Ya! And then there are those who can hear nothing but ORGASM, and that
camp is divided into 1. embarassed, and 2. titillated/amused (the English
are simply "unsettled.")
I'd love to chat about this some more, but I've got things to do. Like,
drilling a hole in the floor of my car so I don't have to bail it everytime
it rains. Like, making the house presentable enough for former Emho Les's
wedding/party-happening here on Saturday. Like, fixing some Chimichurri
I made that came out all wrong. Yesterday Dave and I watched the big storm
from the front porch. Those are the real reasons I love being at home.
Please enjoy the following PSA.
From Brian: "Some helpful advice from our friends in India." See
also: Goodbye and Namskara at Bears Will Attack.
Can Brown Deliver? These inevitable headlines and more cominatcha as Big
Brown, actually named for UPS, attempts to win the third leg of the Triple
Crown this weekend. No horse has won the three races since Affirmed in 1978.
Why is it so hard to win the Triple Crown? Because of things like bad breeding,
bad luck, horsie drug abuse, and pesky broken legs leading to unpopular
on-field shooting of the athletes. But the MAIN REASON it's so hard to win
the Triple Crown is so sports writers can write features just to close with
this quote, from the Washington Post: 'You've
Got to Be Lucky'.
Hall of Fame trainer Jack Van Berg has similar war stories to tell from
1987, when his Alysheba won the first two legs of the Triple Crown, only
to finish fourth in the Belmont behind rival Bet Twice.
At 71, Van Berg has been taking the Triple Crown phone calls a lot longer
than Baffert, and his perspective on the quest is simple and sage: "You've
got to be lucky; it don't matter how damn smart you are," he said.
"It looks like Big Brown has them over the barrel, and he's got the
talent, but it's going to take a lot of praying. And you know what the difference
between praying in church and praying at the racetrack is? At the racetrack
you mean it."
By the way kids, image Google "Big Brown" at your own risk.
Picture Pages Picture Pages Time to Get Your Picture Pages
Tampa, FL: My sister and this car settle our previous
night's debate: Does Jazzercise still exist? Answer, Yes.
Portland, OR: CG at the Obama rally says, "Three
catchphrases in 5 minutes. He should be called Barack Obuzzword."
Seattle: CG finds.MJ made entirely of cereal.
NYC: CG stumbles into adorable Bears Acoustic Open Mic
Night.
Rest Area, Missouri, USA? Why Be Fat 101.com. "Let
the thin you out."
Amazing contraption auto-dispenses water, soap, water,
and hot air!
No partygoers fell down these amorous steps, thanks to Shauna's thoughtful sign.
DC's Emmigrant Population
Last night's party
to benefit Girls Rock! DC was
off-the-charts cute, and I had the pleasure of seeing, speaking to, and
dancing around many excellent ladies, including but not limited to Gabriella
Sabatini, Dolly Parton and Hanoi Jane, and one douchie kid who let me know
that after 6 months of living in DC, he'd concluded that our city was full
of fake people, snobs, and "capitalists," and that he couldn't wait to move
to...Denver, Colorado, which is presumably full of sincere communists. This
conversation took place in a crowd that I would characterize as racially
diverse, weirdo do-gooders, all there to raise money to support a camp for
girls that the organizers have somehow managed to pull together from scratch.
Little fucker. He also rather grumpily asked me if I was a lesbian, which
was pretty astute, since the party was approximately 100% queer, plus someone
had written "Aunt Lezzie!" on my arm in purple marker. And I was wearing
a Mama
costume.
Do not talk shit about my town if you have lived here for less than a year.
True, there were 8 murders here in the last 24 hours. But the murders were
not of ME. This is all to say that several of my friends, veteran residents
who are allowed to have opinions, are moving away right now in unprecedented
numbers. But they aren't leaving because DC is SCARY or because it's neither
New York City nor Idyllic/Pastoral, but for the acceptable reasons: a girl
or an adventure.
I guess the
people would rather hear from a fictional JPEG cat than from me, because
the questions just keep rolling in. It's a veritable avalanche of inquiry.
Send yours to 
Q.
I have friends who've worked backstage who tell me horror stores about
demands from some pretentious bands. Like, they need fresh-squeezed lime
juice for their gin and tonics, or whatever. Do you have any stories like
that? You can keep it anonymous, of course :) Or who are your favorite
bands who have been the most pleasant and fun?
Tina and Amy
