2/5/10

unrestrained, splendid fury

Save The Date: Saturday, February 27 —
Rock and Roll Lady Wrestling

If you're a Floridian or if you're totally awesome, lock away this date for the best of times...at long last, the event I've always wanted to throw, except with more bands, more organization, more total strangers, and even for a righteous cause, comes....

ROCK AND ROLL LADY WRESTLING!

When: 8pm, Saturday, February 27th (the luckiest day of the year)
What: I said, rock and roll, lady wrestling
Who: Bands include, Sons of Hippies, Dear Old Liar, Florida Night Heat. Wrestlers include all the best girls, and you
Where: At SweatShop Urban Gym, betwixt the Tampa Theatre and the Hub, at 715 N. Franklin Street, Tampa, FL 33602
Why: Aside from the obvious, to benefit a worthy friend's worthy legal fund
How Much: $15 or $10 if you wrestle, includes all you can drink beer until the kegs are tapped.

We will have art to illustrate and titillate, as soon as Megs comes up for air long enough to make the flyer. She is foundering in the splendid, ferocious waters of The Apartment House Wrestling Gallery — who even knew such wonders existed. This gentleman's contemporary magazine, gallery and archives are a labor of love and beautiful, horrible agony. Please enjoy the inspired choreography and athletic prose at your leisure.

I'm going skiing for a week so updates may be not at all. But stay in touch.

P.S. Here's a good idea

2/4/10

Homework

So you think you can breathe

Part of this yoga thing is a breathing thing, called pranayama, and under the pranayama umbrella are a bunch of specialized breathing exercises, none of which, I'm told, am I good at. Today, I've got to write an essay about Kapalabhati breathing, using "at least one scientific paper," but that's going to be difficult, because so far the internets have unearthed: many anecdotes, claiming KB will cure everything from psoriasis to diabetes to cancer to fatness; several YouTube videos demonstrating the practice, with poorly-spelled arguments beneath regarding fatness and who's fault it is; and entirely too much discussion of prana and chakras and nadis. And now to the science:

I've found one study which concluded that Kapalabhati breathing is effective for managing bronchial asthma; one that found it to be no better than regular exercise; one case in which a woman practicing Kapalabhati breathing had a spontaneous pneumothorax, which is bad; and then some experiments which conclude like this: "The results point to decreased cardiac vagal tone during KB which was due to changes in respiratory pattern and due to decreased sensitivity of arterial baroreflex. Decreased respiratory rate and increased SBP and low-frequency blood pressure oscillations after KB suggest a differentiated pattern of vegetative activation and inhibition associated with KB exercise."

What I CAN tell you about Kapalabhati breathing is that it's good for you, it feels good, and you can do it sitting right there staring at the machine. Yes yes, let's try it, shall we? Maybe it will clear up that nasty patch of skin on your face. Sit up nice and straight. Relax. Take a few deep breaths. Now breathe in, and then exhale sharply and forcefully through your nose, using just your diaphragm (pull in your stomach). Your inhale will be quick and automatic. Do it 60 times. Try not to blow snot everywhere. This video is the shortest though hairiest I could find:

Actually that video's kind of confusing, because the audio is off, so the exhale sounds are synching with the inhale. Here's a longer video with more explanation, if you're interested: Kapalbhati Yoga Breathing Exericise for Weight Loss; and here's a chubby Indian guy demonstrating it even better: Kapalbhati Detox Breathing Technique. If you actually step away from your computer to try it, sit on the floor in Injun-style or on your knees.

PS. Here's a stupid idea

2/3/10

The hula hoop winner said the sex was the best time of his life.

That's why holding hands with someone gets boring

I'd like to share a couple of charming excerpts from the text Anatomy of Hatha Yoga.

On the sense of touch:

Touch receptors adapt even more rapidly than receptors in the vestibular system, which means that they stop sending signals to the central nervous system after a few seconds of stillness. That's why holding hands with someone gets boring in the absence of occasional squeezing and stroking. Without movement, the awareness of touch disappears.

On the vestibular sense (righting reflexes):

If you want to see these reflexes operate, drop an amicable cat, with its legs pointed up, from as little as a few inches off the floor.

"Amicable" for the win.

I swear I'm cancelling the cable just as soon as the Winter Games are over. There are nine (9) days until opening ceremonies in Vancouver. Did you know Sundance has been airing a Johnny Weir reality show? Be Good Johnny Weir: Glitter and Be Fey, But Not Gay, at Gawker.

What did seem shiny and gay and ridiculous in promos is, in fact, a strangely ruminative and Terrence Malick-esque affair. The marketing department at the Sundance Channel seems to want us to tune into Being Johnny Weir for some sort of gay-'n-flauntin'-it homo fantasia on Olympic themes. Just look at those ads! But what we get in the actual airing is a pleasingly left-of-center portrait of a moody and driven man on a mission, one who acts the way he wants to act and talks the way he wants to talk because he ultimately trusts his skating to speak for itself.

More clips at Sundance.

I found out about Johnny's show from Jack Martins' 5th annual Oscars Nominations analysis and kvetching at And the Nominees Are...: Up in the Precious Inglourious Hurt Avatar, for which title he immediately and deservedly apologizes. But don't let that stop you, if you care about FILM.

Susan Miller's monthly forecasts for February are up, and you're going to want to see them, especially if you are a fish. Susan's site, by the by, is a great one for the Readability gadget: a lengthy read of tiny print, littered with animated ads. I really like this Readibility. You just drag it up to your toolbar and hit it when a page is hurting your sensibilities.

Miss Mess sent a bit from Slate about the evangelist Tim Tebow: The Invisible Dead:The grisly truth about the Super Bowl abortion ad.

And from Bob, Porno stains Greek image. Haha. Headline alone A+. "A handful of men were tested for sexually transmitted diseases before the party, and if someone who wasn't tested won the sex games, he would get a hand job instead."

2/2/10

Words, words, words

WUT?

2/1/10

Nothing to see, hear or smell here.

Bourbon and Executive Branch, please

I completed my first weekend of yoga teacher training.

Q. What do you do if someone in class is crying, burping, farting, or snoring?
A. Pretend it's not happening.

If you regularly read unreadable websites, you might try this jingle: Readability - An Arc90 Lab Experiment . It strips away clutter, ads, styles, frames and so forth. From Dan W., "Cool new thing...Read about it in a David Pogue tech articled in the NYTimes. It really works well. It makes reading articles on the web super easy."

Paddles

I've spared you the majority of the photos from my Peace River trip. But, there're still 40 of them.

Optional reading

• Unhappyhipsters.com, RT. Interiors to kill your soul to.
• Why do people often vote against their own interests?, Deb D., BBC. Because they're morons and they hate themselves, probably.
• WHY you keep getting screwed-- MR. (Tea Party Patriot), Deb D., Craigslist.
• Flashback: Brooklyn Kids Back In The Day, Miss Mess, Gothamist.
• Beer! Miss Mess, Flickr set.
• Bob: "Did you see that the fucking Silverdome sold for the price of an apartment? Poor Detroit." Silverdome's bargain price reflects financial woes in Detroit suburb of Pontiac, wapo.

From: James J.
Subject: college basketball game

i heart the executive branch!

P.S. Georgetown beat Duke.

The Man took a turn in the booth (AP):

Shortly after the second half began, the president was seated between CBS announcers Verne Lundquist and Clark Kellogg. Obama, an avid fan of the sport who often plays pickup basketball games, seemed to impress the pair.

After Obama described a spin move and basket by one player, Kellogg told him he could handle the job of announcing.

"After retirement, I'm coming after your job, Clark," Obama replied. "I'm just letting you know. So you either have three more years or seven more years."

Please. Seven.

1/29/10

Heck's PSAs: there are no dumb questions edition

diss me deadly

I like to think there's a little something for everyone here in the Kitchen. Maybe that's why we get such great search hits — poignant, stupid, sincere, depraved and practical — regularly featured in WHAT ARE THE PEOPLE LOOKING FOR ? But occasionally I receive a query that gives me pause. One soul, reaching out for help. Looking for something that perhaps we're all really looking for. Yesterday was such a day, when a searching someone in New Orleans came here looking for an answer to the question, "how can i look at black women in a sex movie in a restroom."

bob: well, oracle, tell the man how! i think we'd all like to know.
ESG: Well, how CAN i look at black women in a sex movie in a restroom??
me: hmm, this sounds like a challenge!!
bob: i believe that today's entire entry should be on this topic
me: would you like to help?

how can i look at black women in a sex movie in a restroom
by Oracle Bob

Dear 'how can i look at black women in a sex movie in a restroom,'

Thanks for your query. While seemingly daunting, this challenge is really not as difficult as you would initially believe. You just need to have the right tools.

First, you'll need a hand-held, internet enabled device with a good display for video. The iphone is a personal fave, though you may want to shop around to see which device fits your lifestyle best. CNET posted a good review of touchscreen-enabled devices that may help you narrow the field and make a choice that's right for you: reviews.cnet.com/touch-screen-phones.

Secondly, HCILABWIASMIAR, you'll want to think about where to view the sex movies with black women in them. There are thousands, maybe millions, of solid websites that offer black women having sex as part of their editorial offerings, so this may be a little overwhelming at first. Perhaps try some of the staple sites like hotebonysluts.com or sistahbangin.com first to get a sense of what your tastes are, then branch out from there.

Now, before you go into the restroom, one final tool is going to be very iimportant, and that's a good set of noise reducing headphones. The right headphones will both prevent others in the restroom from knowing what you're doing in the stall, and also prevent any external distractions that could 'ruin the mood.' Again, CNET answers our call for reviews: reviews.cnet.com/best-noise-cancelling-headphones.

me: actually im going to step in here and recommend sealed headphones, and headphone.com but go on....

From there, it's really about just picking the restroom which you intend to use. Most importantly, you'll want to choose a restroom with a clear internet signal. Believe me, nothings so frustrating as having a seat, popping out your device and then realizing 3G is screwing you again — the screwing should be displayed ON THE PHONE with black women, not in a 'no signal' prompt.

Once you've identified those restrooms, it's all a matter of personal taste, HCILABWIASMIAR. Like it a little dirty? Try a gas station. Feel like some company for viewing? Try a rest stop. Feeling fancy? Three words: Marriot Hotel lobby.

With these simple tips, you'll be looking at black women in a sex movie in a restroom in no time, HCILABWIASMIAR. It's important also to remember, readers, that this advice isn't just for HCILABWIASMIAR, but can be applied to all of our lives. Whether we'd like to watch black women in a sex movie in a restroom or white women taking golden showers in a bondage video in a crowded monorail — or anything in between — with a little adaptation this advice will get you through your day with a smile on your face and a spring in your step!

Etc.

• Afghan Men Struggle With Sexual Identity, Study Finds, bob
• Cyndi Lauper covers "Carey" at Joni Mitchell tribute , LD
• Study: Humans Were Born To Run Barefoot, CA
• The Internet is Made of Cats

Story Minute with Coach

laura: so short version of jeannie's story:

joan jett is playing A club in DC and jeannie is working the box office (so to speak), and joan is like, you got a tampon i can borrow? so jeannie hands her one with an applicator, and joan is like, "how the hell do i use this thing? anyone who has to use an applicator is just afraid of getting pussy on their hands."

that's a close paraphrase of what went down

me: damn, joan's hardcore

laura: i know right? she probably just fists em on up there

me: heehee
tampon beggars cannot be choosers just pull the damn cotton out, joan

laura: jeannie said she was thinking, am i gonna have to show Joan Jett how to use a tampon? and freakin out

me: hahahaha

laura: yeah maybe it's time to hit her with yr diva cup viral marketing. the runaways movie, brought to you by the diva cup. apparently lita ford gets no love in the movie. kiss me once, shame on you. library dave called it diss me deadly.

1/28/10

We were sent here to serve our citizens, not our ambitions

SOTUs and iThings and Photos Oh My

Obama did not debut the iPad last night, but he always wins with me. I don't care about the analysis, what was left out, who stood at the applause lines and who didn't. Bumps in polls and so on. Every time I see him or hear him I'm happy he's him and happy he's not Bush. I sincerely believe in that man. Heart.
SOTU vid | SOTU script

Before speeches and beer, we went to see this dude and exhibition at Eckerd College: Congo/Women: An Evening with Award-Winning Photojournalist Ron Haviv. It was rough. Check out his site, if you want to see a collection of conflict photography: Blood and Honey. If it's hell on Earth, Mr. Haviv has been there to document it.

iMailbeg

Periods. Just not that hilarious.

From: SLyon
Subject: iPad

I dunno if you have an opinion about all the iPad fuss, but this nice
lady sums up my feelings best: The iPad: Love It or Hate It, but Leave Periods Out of It

me: Yeah, totes, my sister said it should've been called the iSlate, wouldve been awesome.

SLyon: Oh, good call.  All this drama would have been avoided.

I really dig this next guy, talking about the integration of physical and digital, towards a more organic interface and whatnot. "People aren't interested in computing. What we are interested in is information. We want to know about things."

From: Ny
Subject: Check this out!

Hey all, I don't know if some of you have seen this before but the IPad reminded me of this: Pranav Mistry: The thrilling potential of SixthSense technology

Pictures that came out of the phone

Bear with me while I unload this truly random pile of photos, poorly captioned because I erased my inbox and lost all the info. Here we go.

Tampa: Lesbian folk song fire rings happen.	CA, Cali: Another one bites the dust.
Coach, DC.	Prettier than the passive-aggressive sticky note.
I AM THE MAN	Megs, Tallahasse: Hobo Club Med? I forget.
The light may blind you.	Sister attempts to capture elusive Cricky on digital.
ESG, DC: PB says hi.	Cafe Vida, proprietor performing.
Cal Academy of Science, Albino Gator. Two people sent this to me.	Bedsheets. Again I have erased the 3 texts explaining who this character is, but Bob can tell you at length.
Ybor: Did you know this exists?	Megs, Tallahasse: Unicorn herd mural.
Nat gig with new hair.	Something about your mom.

Now, I am not naïve. I never thought the mere fact of my election would usher in peace, harmony, and some post-partisan era. I knew that both parties have fed divisions that are deeply entrenched. And on some issues, there are simply philosophical differences that will always cause us to part ways. These disagreements, about the role of government in our lives, about our national priorities and our national security, have been taking place for over two hundred years. They are the very essence of our democracy.

But what frustrates the American people is a Washington where every day is Election Day. We cannot wage a perpetual campaign where the only goal is to see who can get the most embarrassing headlines about their opponent – a belief that if you lose, I win. Neither party should delay or obstruct every single bill just because they can. The confirmation of well-qualified public servants should not be held hostage to the pet projects or grudges of a few individual Senators. Washington may think that saying anything about the other side, no matter how false, is just part of the game. But it is precisely such politics that has stopped either party from helping the American people.

Worse yet, it is sowing further division among our citizens and further distrust in our government.
So no, I will not give up on changing the tone of our politics. I know it’s an election year. And after last week, it is clear that campaign fever has come even earlier than usual. But we still need to govern. To Democrats, I would remind you that we still have the largest majority in decades, and the people expect us to solve some problems, not run for the hills. And if the Republican leadership is going to insist that sixty votes in the Senate are required to do any business at all in this town, then the responsibility to govern is now yours as well. Just saying no to everything may be good short-term politics, but it’s not leadership. We were sent here to serve our citizens, not our ambitions.

1/26/10

eep

omg omg omg yay

I don't care if Kristen Stewart cobbled together Joan Jett out of Shane McCutcheon and Jo Polniaczek. And, um, Dakota Fanning was born in 1994. I'm just saying.

The Runaways doing Cherry Bomb on Japanese TV, 1977.

1/25/10

I'm careful in life to make sure that power is actual

Hot Pants for the President

Hi, I'm a loser and still haven't finished the world's boringest slideshow about kayaking. So, much like when I broke my toe in 5th grade and my mom had to do my paper route, she got up at 4:30 this morning and trudged out into the snow for three hours of running up and down stairs and throwing The Citizen Journal at doors.

From: mom
Subject: carrot and ginger soup

hi honey...so tried the carrot/ginger soup a couple of nights ago. It wasn't bad...but not my best. I'll give it another try when I have more ingredients...but here's the recipe and photos anyway!

• bunches of carrots, peeled and sliced (none of ours were very big from the garden so it took 20!)
• 3" fresh ginger, peeled and thinly sliced (I also tried some through my garlic press but that didn't work so well)
• vegetable stock - at least 4 cups
• milk pressed from the meat of one coconut
• 3-4 cloves of garlic
• red onions - about 3/4 cup diced
• curry to taste
• dash of cinamon
• salt and pepper to season
• heavy cream would be great to thicken the soup...I didn't have any
• butternut squash or pumpkin I think would be delicious to add, if you have one. Just bake, pull out the meat and add to the soup when it's almost finished.
• saute the onions, garlic, curry in olive oil
• add the vegetable broth, carrots and ginger
• cook until the carrots are very tender
• add the squash or pumpkin if so desired and mix
• In small batches, puree the mixture
• add back into your soup pan, add coconut milk (and/or heavy cream), and a dash of cinnamon heat through
• Ladle into bowls...drizzle a bit of the coconut milk over...very nice with toasted croutons

did coleslaw tonight...delicious. Potato soup coming up soon!

(My mom and I both made coleslaw last night. Coincidence? Or was cabbage in the stars?)

From: mom
Subject: kinda cute, but...

...not in my house! The agama lizard...he really is quite beautiful, but he was BIG. He came right to my door and was just sitting there staring in. By the time I located my camera, he made me go out and hunt for him. The broken bottles cemented into the top of the compound wall is the ugandan substitute to barbed wire. Tomorrow I'll send you the photo of the GIANT bird that came right into my kitchen and stole some bread!

Love you girls...tomorrow is the president. Trying to cover my gross toe! And what do you wear when you meet the president? I'm thinking hot pants and boots...whatcha think?

P.S. Here is something not from my mom...the dude who did "Shoes" and "Text Message Breakup" gives Aunt Susan Walker some love: Shut Up and Fuck Me! . NSFW, duh. In the most respectful way possible, I'll say that these ladies remind me a lot of some Ds I used to know in Olympia. And myself, of course. (Who is Aunt Susan Walker?) Tx, LD.

Oh, one more thing. No, not that Andy Dick made an ass of himself again in Bob's hometown, but this funny thing from Brian. He writes, "This thing is funny."

Oh, and Small Times.

1/22/10 — Morning Edition

Friendship & Love & Terrible Doom

The Long Dark of the Jeans Summer

From: Brian Minter
Subject: the jeans summer

EXCLUSIVE TO HK READERS: A free, as-yet-unpublished role-playing game.

The following piece of inexplicable spam was posted on a gaming forum that I frequent:

hi,im lele,a 21 years old girl,nice to met u all guys here!i want to ask where can i get a pair of jeans ,just like The Jeans' Summer? does it fit to everyone of us?anyway ,i know this is a little stupid question,but i really want to get jeans like that one ,within friendship and love!

Someone posted a challenge: write a role-playing game in the next 48 hours that answered the questions posed by this spam.

The sole requirements:
- The game must use eight-sided dice (d8s)
- The game must contain rules for character advancement
- The game must be at least 10 pages long.

Attached is my entry - thus far the sole entry in the contest.

Enjoy!

The Long Dark of the Jeans Summer: A Role-Playing Game in Several Parts

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Bonus from the Distant Past: Brian and Chris can be seen playing a nerd game in 2005.)

Heck's Kitchen Proudly Presents:

Premembering Brian: A BWA Memorial Video, Just In Case He Ever Passes On

By Edward Wiley Johnson

1/20/10

MassHats

Busby Berkeley meets Liberace in a wool sock

I'm a Party girl through and through, even when my party turns stupid and tries to play nice with the bullies and of course the bullies show up and trash the house and kick the keg and make rape jokes. Ooh, Bob's mad today! "If they have any sense, they'll pressure the fucking governor of Massachusetts to wait the entire time before certifying the results of the fucking election so that they can hammer through this health care bill. It is clear that there's going to be no bipartisan politics in Washington. Democrats try and do that and the Republicans shaft us. When we have power, they play no ball and we get shafted with all this business of compromise. You can't reason with a bully. You have to punch him in his dicksucker."

Hail Kate and Bastet

• R.I.P. Kate McGarrigle, cbc.ca. Weepy vids there.
• Our dear Kathy LeMay's book came out yesterday: The Generosity Plan. Woohoo!
• When cats ruled, they did not fuck around. This site has a sweet slideshow: Egyptian Cat Goddess Statue Found in Temple, from Marlz and Dan W.
• Tim Tebow's doing an anti-abortion ad for Focus on the Family during the Superbowl. Here's to Mr. Perfect getting creamed next year in the NFL. (Haha haters will project any old thing. "Anybody that acts the way he does has to be a homosexual.")

Canary Miner, Bob's future tattoo, by Megs.

Heck's PSAs: Uncle of the Year

Sgt Pepper and the Vampire Smurfs from Space need your help

From: Bob

Greetings friends and former classmates in the greater Huntington area,

Hope this note finds you exceedingly well. I'm writing because, as the subject line of the email suggests, Sgt Pepper and the Vampire Smurfs from Space need your help. Well, technically, it's Spring Valley High School's Valley Girlz' Winterguard — but just look at the costumes in the attached picture of my niece and these two kids I don't know! That's what I would have named the team.

Alas, the world is not fair, and I don't get to fairly and accurately name everything. Adding to this gross unfairness, I'm told that girls' sports and extra curriculars are STILL not funded as well as those for boys (to say nothing of the burgeoning Sgt Peppers of the world). Seriously. Economics be dammed, policy-setting adults should know better than to repeat the glaringly obvious injustices of former generations.

But I digress. This disparity has left this group of adorable little spoiled brats without concessions for their Art in Motion competitive winter-guarding event on January 29, 2010, 7:30-9:00 PM, in the gym out there at SVHS.

In order to help compensate for this funding gap, my sister, Sara Jaros (the Sara formerly known as Smith), and some other engaged parents are taking donations of food and beverages for the concession stand. All proceeds will go back into paying for this Busby-Berkeley-meets-Liberace-in-a-wool-sock garb they wear.

So if you have the time and the inclination hit me back, and I'll put you in touch with my sister, who is also single. She can tell you where to deliver packets of hot dogs, hot dog buns, individual servings of chips, cases of soda, candy bars, and, you know, other unhealthy concession stand type stuff before the January 29 deadline. Presumably, if you are too lazy to go to the store, you could also just fork over some cash.

Please forward this note on to anyone else you believe would be interested in helping and let me know if you have any questions. I'll forward those questions on to my sister, because upon the completion of this email, I've completely tapped out my knowledge on this subject. I've already been twice corrected on the name of the high school and Sara also had to explain several times what the hell a winterguard is. Apparently, this is the winter version of a colorguard, which I thought had something to do with laundry detergent. I was wrong.

lovebob

That was a lotta Bob, huh. Super exciting photos of a river and old folks in boats to follow, maybe today.

1/19/10

Happy birthday, dad

Double-womb effect

It's going to take me awhile to put together The Story of My Peace River Trip, meanwhile, here are some little morsels sent by listeners like you.

• From NYC Bob, who says, "huh?" Magic Makers Mascots...do also check out their Mascot Hall of Fame.
• Did you know Google translator has a neat robot voice? Kentucky Neil did.
• The people help, from Cali Marlz: Babies makin' babies.
• DC ESG says, "i am now obsessed with this website: Letters of Note. read the one from iggy pop. teardrop city."

The State of Contemporary Journalism

Bob says, "ESG on the state of contemporary journalism: 'this must be how alchemists felt when science was invented.'

PS. Bill Would Ban Same-Sex Marriage Recognition, Baltimore Sun.

African Eclipse

Mom in Uganda says, "hello all...sadly, I couldn't find a safe way to view the eclipse safely...and the sun is bloody BrIgHt here! Anyway, these photos are from our wonderful friends in kampala, Patrick and Vickers. This was the LONGEST eclipse in the millennium and there will not be another til 2025."

1/15/10

Hold On Loosely But Tie That Shit Down

EZ Go

Somewhere between Project Runway's first "Aufed" and this morning's solar eclipse, Naval Gazin' was stoled out of my truck. The timing is inconvenient, since I'm leaving today on a kayaking trip. I guess I'd forgotten the second part of last week's lesson, "...but don't let go." Speaking of '80s pop wisdom, I should've known better.

Fresh Tomato Stewish

Say you are leaving home for several days and you don't want your tomatoes to go bad. Here is what to do:

1. You cannot be bothered to peel or seed your seven tomatoes. Just chop them up.
2. You don't have any stock, so you are going to overcompensate with everything else.
3. Turn on a burner. Add a pan. Add butter. Add half a big onion and a carrot. Soften 'em up.
4. Add tomatoes and some water. Simmer 15 or so.
5. Look through your pantry and see what you've got for dry stuff. If you can't identify something, take a photo and send it to a culinarily-wise friend.

Answer: French green lentils "which like to be pretty" and barley "which has a mind of its own."

6. Add a a couple more cups of water (or stock). Add some quick-cooking legumes, like split peas or lentils. Add some rice. This is all optional. Except for the water.
7. Add salt, pepper, whatever. I've got rosemary still growing, so I threw in some of that. Red chili flakes. I might have put in some wine and vinegar, but I actually can't remember now. Worry it's not fat or salty enough. Add a pat of butter. Hey, it's wintertime.
8. Cook all that until it the beans are ready.
9. Cut up a couple pieces of bread and toss that with some melted butter, garlic, salt, pepper, whatever. Oven, 350 for 10 minutes or so. Croutons! Yes!
10. Some parmesan cheese will also help.
11. And a salad. Florida avocados, much-maligned, totally delicious.
12. Realize you've made a pretty elaborate lunch for your little self. Invite a friend over.
13. Make sure none of your dishes match.



14. Disperse the leftovers for extra karma.

- 30 -

There's a little something for everyone at this manly-man celebration of manly ephemera, artifacts, and commentary: The Selvedge Yard. Thanks, Ranger Ted. I'm diggin it.

Gotta finish packing and pick up sister's boat. Happy weekend everyone. <3 JM

1/14/10

Always, take a canary.

Haunted Ship

Good afternoon, have you been doing your Five Tibetans? I had an anxiety/guilt dream this morning, in which I was walking across the commons of a college I did not attend, and all my old professors kept appearing, suggesting that I'd wasted my life and talents and so forth, that I should've gone straight to grad school or written a book or SOMEthing. There was my Shakespeare teacher, my favorite writing instructor, my hero rhetoric professor, Dr. Jeanne Fahnestock (sigh), and I was like, I don't even know where my transcript is! Fuck. I failed at life.

Politicals

• "This is a gem: New Low for Pat Robertson (Rachel Maddow Show). Basically it's Pat Robertson blaming the Haiti earthquake on their slave revolt in the 1700s. 'they made a pact with the devil.'" - LD
• I think I love Joe Biden. Second-Most Powerful Vice President in History? NYT mag.
• Love him as much as I loathe The First Senator From the Tea Party? NYT mag. Wonkette: "Fresh-squeezed Florida wingnut MARCO RUBIO!"
• Mom's sent the entire Ugandan Anti-Homo witch hunt bill. It's actually called, THE ANTIHOMOSEXUALITY BILL. 2009 (pdf). By The Hon. David Bahati, who can't even fucking spell.

Damn, my electric bill tripled from last month, and doesn't even include the recent cold snap. Unrelatedly, I'm leaving tomorrow for a three-night/four-day paddling and camping trip, and don't want my tomatoes to go bad, so I'm making some sort of stew. If it turns out I'll post it, but I just tasted it and it's not looking good. I'm making some croutons to try to salvage it. Meanwhile, my Mom in Africa sent a recipe of sorts and pictures of her awesome pumpkin soup. Not included: the photo of her rotting toe. Send peroxide.

Mom's African Pumpkin* Soup "Recipe"

Well, I cut up the pumpkin and butternut squash, and then roasted it with a little butter on it.

Then...sauteed some onions and garlic, ginger, cumin and curry.

I added homemade vegetable stock to it, then peeled the skin off the pumpkins/squash after it was roasted...

Cooked that for a bit...mashing up the pumpkin and squash.

After it was all cooked, I pureed it with some coconut milk and warmed up a bit more.

Served it up with homemade bread...delicious.

I don't measure things, sorry. Can you make this sound halfway intelligent before posting?

thanks!

*"by the way, you do know the pumpkin soup wasn't an actual american sort of pumpkin, right? It's a big ol' squash that is BEAUTIFUL, green and kind of pumpkin shaped...but not a pumpkin...just called that here! We made a jack o lantern for halloween for some kids here who had never seen one. They were SO excited! It was the hardest thing in the world to cut and carve. We need a panga!"

Sporting

This is pretty great. Lightning fans down here are always crying about Ovie: Matt Bradley steals Ovechkin's fight D.C. Sports Bog.

Cartoon magic of yore

You can fall into a Facebook hole; you can fall into your own Gmail history hole; and you can slip over the event horizon of the mighty YouTube. Always, take a canary. Yesterday I got sucked into an awesome music vortex, but what I want to leave you with is this bit of magic:

Bonus Mailbeg: American Heroes

From: Bob
Subject: bright stars under the nevada sky

Basically this is the first time in the economy of the United States that a male has actually stood up and said, "I want to do this for a living." And be protected under law to do it. It's just the same as when Rosa Parks decided to sit at the front instead of the back. She was proclaiming her rights as a disadvantaged, African-American older woman. And I'm doing the same.

Exclusive: Meet America's First Legal Male Prostitute

me:

jesus, dude's no looker.

- capt. obvious

ESG:

but he's a DUDE! he doesn't have to be. the man is an american hero. just like when rosa parks proclaimed her right to be a disadvantaged older woman. but she was hott back then.

it is cool that sex workers get some protections in nevada, tho.

Rebenga:

Oh no, he looks like Steve-O. IS that Steve-O???? This is being filmed for Jackass 3, no doubt.

1/13/10

while the rest of us were parking at the horseshoe

We're all doing the best we can

I hope this is another sign of a nascent cultural examination/awakening regarding our relationships with stuff, money and time: Has destroying all their worldly goods made these artists happy? (The Independent). Good read, from LD:

"...as time went on I slowly began to remember why I had gone through the whole thing in the first place. I realised that all those things I bought were actually just consolation prizes for being a wage slave. I had been trapped in a vicious circle. The harder I worked, the more miserable I was and the more consolation prizes I needed, and so the harder I had to work."

A couple of centenarians checked out the other day. One was Miep Gies (WP obit), who hid Anne Frank and kept her diary, and the other was The Great Joe Rollino, Bender of Steel (NYT obit) who died at 104 when a fucking minivan hit him. Dude was a lobster; no telling how long he might've gone on. If there's an afterlife, he is pissed. Thanks Matt and Neil for that one, plus "this day in White Male history:" Suffragists Lose Fight In The House.

"This is a government statistic, based on death."

Before we start making fun of the Huntington Herald-Dispatch (and Huntington proper) please enjoy the promo transcript of British chef Jaime Oliver's "Food Revolution," the show in which Mr. Oliver sets out to help/exploit American's unhealthiest citizens: Transcript of "Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution" promo video.

Batshit Letters to the Editor of Bob's Hometown Newspaper

We're all doing the best we can

We are not killing our planet. The science is not settled.

We are not entitled to universal health care.

We are not entitled to Social Security.

We should not borrow from other countries, tax the producers out of existence and print money to fund everyone's desires.

Smoking a joint is no different than drinking a beer. We put pot-smokers in jail but let beer-drinkers drive.

Abortion is the taking of human life for the sake of convenience.

If you can't pay cash, don't buy it.

"The rich" are just people who stayed in school and busted their butts while the rest of us were parking at the horseshoe.

"The poor" are often people from bad home environments who never learned how to take care of business from their parents.

No one got to choose which side of the tracks they were born on. That does not give one group the right to receive stolen property from the other.

Most importantly, we are all doing the best with the tools we were given. Give each other a break.

Have a nice day.

Rick Shepard

Proctorville, Ohio

From: Bob
Subject: Rex Bartholomew!

It must be so hard being Rex, sitting there, only able to write one letter a month, knowing he could do more to get the word out about our demise if there weren't these unbelievable editorial policies at the HD!!!

Country has lost most of its morals

Slightly soiled, greatly reduced in price. If a woman enters a coal mine with a white dress, you can't expect it to stay white very long. This is the same with a lack of morality in our nation.

In our day and time, when a woman wears a white dress at her wedding, you'd think that this would express purity, but not necessarily.

Our nation has accepted fornication and adultery, pornography on wide scale. So now we have an increase in sexual crimes, disease, promiscuity, child abuse, sex slave traffic, drug, alcohol abuse and divorce of epidemic proportion. When evolution is taught, mankind begins to act like an animal, so education says we need to teach mankind self-esteem, because he thinks less highly of himself. Then the life of others has little or no value or meaning. It's all for me, and none for you. This is certainly different than LOVE they neighbor as thyself.

Rex Bartholomew

Milton

BONUS: Megs sent this for you Kristen Wiig fans: "starts slow....stay w/ it, its funny."
Saturday Night Live Episode 669 (Se 35 Ep 11) Charles Barkley - Sexy Shana

As always, lettuce end with a sad song.

1/12/10

"This thing does not warrant further analysis."

Simple cellphone photo essentializes life's work

Last night at hot yoga my sister and I learned "The Five Tibetans," a quick series of continuous-movement exercises, of dubious origin but recommmended as a time-crunch, travel, warm-up, or just first-thing-after-waking-up mini-rejuvenation. So this morning, after another crappy night on the futon, in my sleeping bag, dreaming angry dreams, I got up and tried out the routine. Maybe you all should try it, too, and tell me what you think. This site has cute animated how-to gifs.

I'll have the usual

Gay + Cat + PBR = Win

Coach: "It's Flo! She loves beer bottles and was tryin to figure out how to get up to it! I'm gay."

Mail Beg

There are dissenting opinions regarding the merit of "It is what it is."

From: Brian
Subject: squid v whale

whoa
that's awesome
is that really your truck?
also, since when do you have a truck?*

in other news, i am not a fan of "it is what it is"
since i think it is often used to mean "i do not wish to give a
thoughtful response"
you know?
like, you're all "hey, how can you justify firing all these people?"
and the head of the investment bank is like "well, it is what it is"

that said, i think your version would be much more accurate and fun saying
("This thing does not warrant further analysis.")
and i think we should work on popularizing it immediately

love...
brian

*A. Since I moved to Florida and became a hippie/redneck.

Opinions about the car tat, on the other hand, have been uniformly positive (at least that I have heard), even from former skeptics (M. Wood, went from, "that's a slippery slope to gun rack" to "i take it all back... that car tat is effing sweet").

From: Neil
Subject: nice truck ink

very impressed.  tattooing the name of the opening track off of .38 Special's 1981 album Wild-Eyed Southern Boy album is very good.  Very good.  your wild-eyed southern truck looks the part, what with no hubcap where your truck tat is located.  might i suggest 2-3 cases of crushed milwaukee's best light cans in the bed, and an airbrushed wolf on your back window?  also The Squid and the Whale...very good movie, in semi-related news. 

well, i'm ok.  i also, recently, enjoy writing fluffy, inconsequential emails to friends.  but it looks like you, JM, have the bull by the horns.  but if you cling too tightly (babe)/you're gonna lose control...guitar solo...

10 more weeks of this god forsaken weather. and colts over cowboys in "The Big Game"

love from 768 miles away

NW

To Do

1. Coach, M. Wood and Ms. Crush spun a TNG/She.Rex Sunday night. Sigh. Brightest Young Things stayed sober long enough to take a few pics: PHOTOS: She.Rex @ Chief Ike's
2. Megs sent this crazy stuff: The Website of Belgian Artist Wim Delvoye. Make sure you gander at XRAYS and in the interest of preventing radiation poisoning, hope they got that blowjob on the first take.
3. Gillian Wearing's Album. Check it out.

Hmmm...I've got a bunch of other stuff but have probably already exceeded anyone's attention span. Thanks for playing.

1/11/10

what have you

"It is what it is"

(Prologue: Coach and Bob thought it and I crafted a Secret New Item for Heck's Souvenir Stand. Why don't you go not buy it today?)

I don't know when "It is what it is" creeped into the lexicon, but I know it came from the sports pages, which are a naturally perfect record of historical say-nothing clichés. Athletes are literally schooled in the art of deflection and obfuscation, plus they're regularly asked the most inane, banal bullshit ("How do you feel?") so it's no surprise they gave us "It's all good," and "It is what it is."

At first I didn't like "It is what it is." What a lazy way to say nothing, I thought. But lately it's been creeping into my head if not actually coming out of my mouth. "This thing does not require judgment," it says. This thing is an irrefutable fact, like the weather, or a flat tire, or getting fired, or that no one will take out the goddamn recycling. "This thing does not warrant further analysis," it means. Resigning oneself to the reality of a situation is a willful act, not necessarily helpless or thoughtless, but more like letting go of useless blame, guilt and general fretting. It is something like "nothing to do or undo." I am in favor of reductions in frettery.

Prognosticating

Here is Kentucky Neil, who wants to say, "per an old email circa 10-6, i had the ravens and colts in the afc champ game, saints and vikings in nfc.  hmmmmmmmmmm......" Speaking of, I won my fantasy football league this season. How do I feel? It's all good.

To Do:

1. Annie sez, "propoganda." How We're Wrecking Our Feet With Every Step We Take, ny mag.
2. M. Fox sez, "weird." the annotated weekender
3. Matt sez, "this is pretty impressive." walrus sucks own dick

PS. Here in Florida, everyone's heat is broken.

1/8/10

Heck's PSAs: Rolling Edition

How to turn your ride into a teachable moment

Some of us are gifted with creativity and artistic talents, and others of us are gifted with a knack for finding such people, making them our friends, and appropriating their ideas. We are the appreciators, the plagiarists, the groupies, the patrons of the arts, you might say. A few months ago Coach told me she was going to get "Hold On Loosely" tattooed on her person, and then recently Megan showed me photos of a truck she'd emblazoned with a surpassing portrait of The Golden Girls, and eventually it all turned into the Squid and the Whale On My Truck Project. Please, may I show you some slides?

Car Tattoo

Sneaky portrait of the artist at work

THE DISTANT PAST

Let's talk about the weather.