05.11.04

Interview Week(s) Interview No. 6

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Constance Interviews Erik Gillespie

who are

Totally Boyfriend-Girlfriend

CC: Welcome to the HK EGillespie interview! You are EGillespie! Hence, you will field questions from HK's special correspondent, me, a seasoned journalist and impartial stranger.

EG: Thank you. Good to be with you.

CC: I have observed that you eat a lot of fruit and a lot of dairy. In a smackdown, either in your digestive system or any other arena, would fruit or dairy win? Why?

EG: Right. So you're asking: "Fruit or dairy?" Which makes me think: Hmmm, strawberry milkshake. Now, in my forthcoming book, "Gently Used Fruit," I argue that the ADA [American Dairy Association] is disingenuous when professing concern for our health. Its recent ad campaign "3-A-Day" is designed to increase consumption of dairy and dairy-like products solely for the profit of its members. One example I cite in the book is my personal experience. For several weeks, each day I tried to eat three homemade strawberry milkshakes. Hmmm, strawberry milkshake. And you know what? I couldn't do it. There is just no way I could possibly eat three "Milkshakes-A-Day."

CC: Interesting. "Gently Used Fruit" sounds like a band. Have you ever been in a band, and if no, what is the closest you have come to being in a band?

EG: Well, as I younger man, I played in a garage band. We never played a gig, but I'm proud of my participation. Bands are the backbone of the music industry; they keep the music going. And you'll find, if you examine our record, that I showed up. I showed up for practice every day, for the whole time I was in the band. It was a great experience, a great American experience. I wish everyone had a garage, so they could play in a band.

CC: Well, you're clearly hiding something. What is it that you do again? Writing? Hmmm. Don't all writers hate America? Why do you write and why do you hate America?

EG: I, supposedly, yes, I write. I don't know any writers who hate America. Unfortunately, there seem to be too many readers who hate themselves. How else would you explain why books written by Sean Hannity, Karen Hughes and Cokie Roberts rank highly on the NYTimes bestseller list?

CC: Ah! A political type. Now which candidate do you support in 2004? And if you were a media watchdog, what media outlet warrants the closest watching? And did I just hear you just call the President a liar?

EG: I always support the winning candidate. I prefer to be associated with winners. Tell me who'll win, and that's who I support. I'm consistent and resolute; that's just who I am. People can count on me. In terms of media, I would have said NBC, but without "Friends" there's just not much to watch there anymore. And the President? Well, I can't see into his heart. He says his heart is good, and you have to believe him. I mean, a man is only as good as his word.

CC: You ARE consistent and resolute. And a winner! I think I could not go wrong to associate with you! Would you like to move in with me?

EG: I'm confused. Is this interview for a dating service, like "Friendster"?

CC: Once again, your infamous cynicism maligns the innocent, like Friendster, whose main fault is merely a paralyzing upload speed and perhaps a serious testimonial dysfunction. No no, this is just an interview for the people, by the people, of the people. Or something like that. And I'm afraid we're nearly out of time. Do you have any parting thoughts as one of those people addressing other people?

EG: No, not really. Except, well..."Don't believe the hype." I think Henry Kissinger said that, or Beyoncé.

CC: Who can tell, really? You heard it here first folks! EG, thanks for your time. I suppose I might see you around sometime. And everyone, thanks to EGillespie, erstwhile author of "Gently Used Fruit".

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