01.31.03
Deb Schwartz: The Meta Interview !

Jenny-

INTERVIEW ME!!!

In fact, you don't even have to really ask me questions. You can just think up questions, then try to figure out how I'd respond. You can sign my name to it, and if the IRS asks, I'll say I did it.

I will even call your house on MY DIME to be interviewed.

As a display of my gratitude to you for interviewing me, I will perform the RARE FEAT of VISITNG CRAZY UNCLE IRA in prison this Sunday. I will BALANCE two large frankfurters, a bottle of caffeine-free Coke, a round kinish, and several romance novels ALL in my BACKPACK. I will RESIST wiping the drool off of Uncle Ira's chin, and I will even LISTEN to him sing doo-whop for ten minutes at a time.

ALL FOR YOU!!!

Who else is promising you all this? Tell me that. -d

HK: Deb, thanks so much for agreeing to be interviewed. I know Deb usually prefers to interview herself.

Deb: Well. It's just that I feel I NEED to be interviewed. And there aren't usually too many people around to do it. Sadly.

HK: I know. So, readers may not know that Debcentral also houses The Fund for the Love and Admiration of Deb, The Center for Yiddisha Aunties: Deb Bureau, and The Deb Care Connection. How do you find the time?

Deb: I have always been multi-task-abled. My brain is also slightly larger than that of most "normal" human beings. Though my head actually appears to be smaller. It's like the riddle of the sphinx.

HK: It is something like that. You know, the thing I love about Debcentral is the way you really put yourself out there. Your hair disasters. The rejection and joblessness. Creepy tolietries, drool, loonybins, and of course, your husband's big toe gangrene/amputation ordeal. How do you remain SO strong and tender-hearted?

Deb: The stength is just a front designed to ease my path to fame. The tender-heartedness comes from my child-like desire to be loved. The problems come from poor decisions I've made. The fact that I write about them all in such a public forum is somehow related to exhibitionism.

But tell me, HK, you wouldn't be here in cyberspace if you didn't feel similarly, no?

HK: Oh, well mmm...yes, I have an ego that requires a steady stream of praise. I guess it's sad, now that you mention it. Maybe this has something to do with my romantic troubles. This all reminds me: you are much funnier and more entertaining than I, but I don't really get jealous about it. Don't you think that's mature?

Deb: Definitely. Your maturity is a product of years of living in teepees and woodhuts in the frosty nether regions of Montana. My humor is the outgrowth of having a crazy family. The humor festers and multiplies, like so many yeast cells budding. My humor, like wine, is an acquired taste. Since you are a great drinker, naturally you think I am very funny.

I suppose I am a bit verbose. Sorry about that.

It's just that I had two glasses of wine, and then thought of a new questions.

The question would be something like: Pretend I am a perspective employer. Now I'm asking that asshole question: Give me three words your friends might use to describe you.

Deb: brilliant, dysfunctional, and what the French call "ugly-beautiful".

It's just that I've always wanted to say that.

Then we can end the interview with me singing this musical number I wrote about Bob. Only I haven't written it yet. But it would be really splashy, and there would be a lot of cops and firemen doing a kickline behind jazz-handing librarians and housewives.

Oh, Jenny, can't you just see it!

By the way, what is this email address? You have a billion, you sly minx, you. What happened to the jmiller@marsconewton.com? What's sra.com? Do you work for the war/industrial complex? SRA could stand for Sonic Radio Access. I am a LEGAL AMERICAN CITIZEN. My people moved to this country BEFORE THE SECOND WORLD WAR. You ain't gonna pin this war on me, sister.

I suppose I've said enough.

HK: I suppose so. Ok, our last Q/A was you describing yourself in 3 words. Where shall we go from here? I like your questions.

BTW, SRA bought Marasco Newtwon, making me an offical smudge of grease in the cogs of the warmaking industry.

Deb: How much longer should the interview be? I can go on and on.

This interview, so far, is awfully deb-centric. Which is fine with me, because I am so vain. But maybe we should talk about my views on abortion rights or nuclear disarmament or the fall of communism.

I start to feel a little jealous when I think about Sarah's interview. I thought she was very funny. And she didn't even mention me once.

Or will mine be that much more funny, as I mention myself constantly? Is Deb comedy gold?

HK: Oh oh. Should we start over? Maybe my questions have been lame.

Deb: No. I didn't mean to say the questions were lame. I just wondered if people would find it boring to read about me talking about myself for paragraphs on end. I'm fine to go on. Or stop. How long should the interview be? Is our interview over?

HK: No. So, do you have any views on abortion rights or nuclear disarmament or the fall of communism?

Deb: The Soviet Union collapsed my freshman year of highschool. I remember this, because I was taking a geography class, and, all of a sudden, I had a lot more countries to remember. Fah!

Nuclear disarmament: It will help to clear up America's pock-marked skin.

As for abortion rights--well, I'm kind of violently opinionated here. I am highly suspicious any white Christian man who tries to stick his fingers up my special place while he's reading me the bible. It's almost funny: most of the world's nations have made abortion legal and outlawed capital punishment. What's wrong with us?

HK: Well, as Kurt Vonnegut said, "I myself feel that our country, for whose Constitution I fought in a just war, might as well have been invaded by Martians and body snatchers. Sometimes I wish it had been. What has happened, though, is that it has been taken over by means of the sleaziest, low-comedy, Keystone Cops-style coup d'etat imaginable. And those now in charge of the federal government are upper-crust C-students who know no history or geography, plus not-so-closeted white supremacists, aka "Christians," and plus, most frighteningly, psychopathic personalities, or "PPs."

Do you agree with his PP theory?

Deb: For the most part, yes. And not just because I love Kurt Vonnegut and think he's a old cutie.

HK: What do you wish an interviewer would ask you?

Deb: "I have a 'Famous Machine' in my back pocket. It is guaranteed to make you instantly and gloriously famous. It will also cause those wrinkles by your eyes and mouth to just disappear. Would you like me to use it on you?"

HK: Is your boss hanging around, distracting you? What a pain that guy is. Did they love your site for AquaResin?

Deb: How am I supposed to get any personal emails sent with him hanging around? I am unsure why my boss expects me to work. I am much more productive when performing important internet tasks, such as catching the babies Michael Jackson throws out the window. I believe that was a game you sent me, Heck.

As far as the site goes, he seem to really like it. But he is a fool. He wouldn't let me post a picture of myself in the gallery of non-toxic resin sculptures.

Now, I think my boss is going to eat some sort of late afternoon meal now. Good.

The man usually lies down for a nap, or eats lunch, or gets shock treaments or something.

Instead, he just sat around and wanted to chat with me.

I feel really awful about it. How are you supposed to get any work done when I don't do MY part?

Hey, can I interview you back? I'll think up some good questions. It can be like "The Battle of the Interviews". It could be fun.

HK: Sure thing, Deb. Ok, maybe we should wrap this baby up. Parting thoughts for my readers and yours?

Deb: With Heck's Kitchen and Debcentral united against evil, nations everywhere will have fresher breath and a better smile.

ps: you might want to spell check this all. I have a tendency to "make spelling errors." Just a heads up.

HK: Will do Deb, and thanks again for stopping by!