12.11.02
I don't like to brag about my brilliant, beautiful friends (I prefer to construct entire websites for that task), but when I convinced Constance Chang to submit to a Heck's Kitchen interview, well, all I could think of was how wonderfully it would reflect upon me. So without further ado, I bring you Constance, a snappy dresser, a New York resident, and the boss of all of us on our high school newspaper.

HK: Tell us about Cloud, your hilarious Chinese mom.

Constance: First off, I'd like to thank my smashing host, JM/HK/katspank, for having me here today.

HK: (blush)

Constance: Well, Cloud, like all good folks, had humble beginnings. She grew up in Taiwan, poor, tanned, spirited, and pretty enough for people to urge her towards a flight hostess career, a top aspiration for demure young ladies at the time. But Xiaomei, as she was known at the time, would not have it. She sent a watermelon-lugging suitor packing, was suspended from school for kicking a ball into her teacher's face, hung upside down out of classroom windows to better view the clouds that would inspire her future name, mooed loudly during class, and dreamt of one day becoming a brave horsewoman in the desolate Gobi desert. This woman, sometime thereafter, became JJ, as well as mom to me and my sister. She is now known as Cloud, because that's what people who see her signature self-portrait think she is. When she's pissed off (you can tell, because she yells, "PISSED!"), my sister and I refer to as the "Storm Cloud". Oh yes, she is indeed Chinese and she writes great emails with lines like: "Alas, I don't like commies either. What's a mother to do?"

HK: Would you say there is any connection between the origins of Cloud, and your endearing self-deprecating humor? And might that be why you're moving yourself and your poor boyfriend to SHANGHAI???

Constance: Well, like all girls, I'm trying not to be like my mom. Sure, she's fun and kind and strong and wacky, but she's also a bundle of nerves. I may have inherited some of my wackiness from her, though I'm sure my dad would like to claim credit for my sense of humor. The self-deprecating part comes from the low self-esteem one can only garner from growing up Chinese and awkward in central Ohio. Cloud and the Dad do in fact reside in Shanghai, or as we like to call it, Hong Kong. But for a limited time only! So that would be why I am dragging Erik to the dangerous Orient.

HK: Contance, I've heard a lot about your secretarial field studies. How long were you in the field before the secretaries began to trust you? Did you notice a social hierarchy among the group? Do you believe they have the capacity to feel pain, like people do?

Constance: You're certainly right in that a social hierarchy exists. I am fascinated by secretarial cabals and culture but I must admit I have never been able to reach that inner sanctum of secretaries. I'd like to think that secretaries and other mimical species ("office girls" who like being called "office girls") accept me to some degree, but frankly, I'm a bit too much of a loner to fit in and rise in the ranks. In my current situation, I'm at a start-up, so I ride alone, I answer the phone alone, I fax alone. Though I must speak on behalf of secretaries and assistants everywhere: they are human, they do feel pain, so please give them a wide berth and a bit o' the kindness. They probably didn't get to take lunch for the fifth time this week and are getting paid $10 a day. That's why they construct vacuums of access—to aggregate power and compensate for low quality of work-life and pay.

HK: Mmm, very interesting. Now, would you share with our readers the names of four inanimate objects in your household? Also, does it bother you that your old friends still call you "Connie," and if so, how will you stop us?

Constance:
"Harriet" the philodendron
"Harriet" the hippopotamus
"Pot" the bear
"Leff" the apartment itself

Thanks for your concern but I'm okay with the "Connie", even though Cloud feels that it is a trashy-sounding name, and its mention in a Jeff Foxworthy book ("You know you're a redneck if...you have a tattoo of your woman's name on your arm and it's Betty Lou or Connie") corroborates that. Sometimes Erik calls me "shortpie" which I am not okay with.

HK: I just have to ask for our readers, How DO you get your hair to do that?

Constance: Well, dahling, some of us have it, and some of us do not. (Insert rich people laugh, which I stole from the people I work for.) Actually, I just use the same hair care product that Jenny does!

HK: Parting thoughts?

Constance: Gosh. It's a tremendous honor. I've been a big fan of Jenny's for years, and this is a dream come true. I really appreciate this opportunity to get my very important message of whining out to the hoi polloi. Smooches, darlings! And of course, a big shout-out to Jimmy Carter for his Nobel Peace Prize!