05.12.04

Writer, musician, best man, hopeless romantic, relentless defender of the American Way, Mr. Bears Will Attack is part invincible superhero, part little girl twirling in a field of sunflowers. Readers may have noticed the nearly obscene heapings of love he gets here in the Kitchen, but I say, it's almost all warranted. He's a Renaissance Man for our troubled times, the D&D master himself.. *extended, deafening applause* HK PRESENTS:

Ranger Ted: Obviously, there's a lot going on in your life right now and readers around the world can follow it on your highly acclaimed blog. One question comes to mind regarding this effort: Why is it called Bears Will Attack?

Bears Will Attack: I am constantly surprised that people read my blog. I'll be talking to a friend and telling them a stupid, pointless story and they'll say "I know. I read that on your blog."

As for the name, it's a long story with no humorous payoff.

RT: Fair enough. During you days in the nation's capitol, you played in one or more musical groups. Now that you're a New Yorker, will you continue to "shake your groove thing" in the Big Apple, or is all that a period best left behind?

BWA: Well, having reached the tender age of 29, I have finally managed to put aside my ambitions of rock fame. I think it's because all the songs I write sound like Sprite commercials.

Technically I am still in my band Ballentine. We finished our record, I think, but the members now live in different cities, and our singer became colossally disinterested in the whole thing.

So as not to disappoint my fans, however, I will continue to play keys for the excellent Meredith Bragg (appearing May 27th at the Black Cat in DC, for those keeping track.)

RT: Outstanding! We're all waiting for that big CD release party by the way. So HKers greedily followed your recent rendezvous with Constance Chang. Had you ever met CC in person before? If not, how did you recognize each other?

BWA: I met her once at a big party at the house where I used to live with Jenny Miller, but it was very brief, and I didn't remember what she looked like. Per our pre-arranged plan, she wore a blue ostrich feather in her hair, and I carried a copy of the Financial Times under my left arm, open to the funny pages.

RT: Very Frank Capraesque. I notice that you hail from the fine city of Roanoke, VA (nice friendster pic, btw). Do you feel that your transition from Roanoker to NYCer was a natural progression or are you really just an Old Dominion boy at heart?

BWA: Well, living in Washington DC for 7 years helped harden me into the heartless, callow careerist I am today. Although I still say y'all, and drink moonshine at Christmas. You can take the boy out of southwest Virginia, but you can't take southwest Virginia out of the boy.

RT: I am very pleased to hear that. I'd like to try that moonshine sometime. Now I really must ask the question that everyone is waiting for you to answer: What is happening with that red-haired girl? Is this a going concern?

BWA: Hmmm. And so we sail into murkier waters. Well, I guess SHE doesn't know about this web page...

"Going concern" is a good description. She is *very* cute, and plays guitar in a rock band, but she also lives with her ex-boyfriend, who may or may not be entirely ex. At present, we have gone on two dates that were not officially dates, had lunch once, and met up at a bar where we both extremely drunk, and made out while her friends looked on in disapproval. It was not my finest hour, although she was an excellent kisser.

Also, I should be careful about my description of her, since the boy she lives with is a 230-pound Cuban bare-knuckle boxer named Rodrigo "The Castle" Hernandez.

RT: Ouch...um, yes. Murkier waters, indeed. How is the new housing situation working out. I understand that a meddling cat has been causing some problems. Is the environment otherwise habitable? How about those roommates?

BWA: No, the cat wasn't to blame. Cats will be cats.

I'm actually moving tomorrow into a more permanent apartment with some friends of mine. I'll be moving from Greenpoint, a Brooklyn neighborhood full of surly Polish people, to Park Slope, a Brooklyn neighborhood full of white couples with babies and thousands of hipsters, all of whom look and dress completely alike, as if they were cloned from the same master cell, decrying conformity and corporatization in one ironically-unified voice, trucker hats tilted forward just so.

RT: Wow, now that I would like to see. Congratulations! I know you're busy up there so I'll try to wrap this up. First, what is it you do for a living up there again? I forgot. Also, what's the best www site that you know about but HK readers have never heard of?

BWA: I'm a government-sponsored killer. I'd appreciate you leaving that out of your interview. Also, my favorite blog of all time (present company excepted) is http://smartypants.diaryland.com/

RT: Somehow, I suspected something along those lines. I mean, oops, sorry, I wasn't supposed to include that. Finally, I notice that Constance's boyfriend Erik can't drink three strawberry milkshakes in one day. Can you?

BWA: He sounds like a lightweight. I can drink three milkshakes in ONE SITTING. Of course, I am immensely fat. In fact, I am technically considered a "research vehicle" under federal weight guidelines.

RT: Thank you for participating in this Heck's Kitchen sponsored exercise. If I may say so, I find you to be an amiable and thoroughly shiny ornament on the HK Christmas tree. Our nation would be all the poorer if you, for some reason, didn't come home from work one day. It has been a pleasure visiting with you.

BWA: The pleasure, Ranger Ted, has been mine.