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3/31/10

original content area

Free Dragon Parking

Come visit. I'm going to have a lot of extra time starting next week. Also, there's a cute little "making of" Chris Pureka video over at Sheena Beaston: Broken Clock (video exclusive). See Christen nodding with approval.

Collected digifacts

Today's edition features 13 contributors in 8 cities. Keep 'em coming, friends.

Austin, TX: If this store were a woman I would marry her.

Someone's given Somer a keytar: "Look! I'm a rockstar!"

Carl, Tampa: "Mobile stripper unit in Ybor!" REAL! REAL!

LD, St. Pete: Souvenir litter from our wrestling event..

Miss Mess, NYC: Free Dragon Parking. "I always feel left out when you do a cell phone roundup but it's my own fault, really."

Miss Mess, NYC: "My friend Nate's grandma RAN OVER his iPhone (he smartly left it on her bumper) and he dropped it in the shower (don't ask) and it still works!"

Underblog, New Mexico: Took these at the Roundhouse (State Capital) in Santa Fe. Thought you'd like em.

Yes, indeed.

Annie, NYC: "Hi! I just noticed how rad and kittenful this package of old sewing needles is." Yes!

St. Pete: The bar where Jack Kerouac had his last drink wishes Bob well.

Jen, Seattle: Injury to insult.

Marla, SF: "There's a guy in the Montgomery BART station who's like 100 years old and sells the SF Chronicle from this kiosk. One day I saw this amusing sign where he usually sits. Old people are so adorable with their overshares..."

Jen, Clearwater: Downward-facing Dog done right.

Bob, NYC: Bob and house cat.

Mandy, Tampa: "You've changed AJ's life."

Bolen, DC metro: "Stick."

St. Pete. This is almost my dream car.

If it were a convertible. Early 70s BMW CS.

St. Pete, LD breaks out Claudette!

Megs, Tampa: Follow Your Dreams to the Max. Amen.

3/30/10

Chag Sameach

fast cars

The Honda Grand Prix was rained out on Sunday, and when they re-ran it on Monday it was free and open to the people. So I toddled down there to take in some noize...

Some people around here whine about the noise and the downtown space the event takes up, and to them I say, wah motherfuckers. It's one week a year!

I don't know how this National Guard/IndyCar/Keith Haring mashup happened. Best Buddies!

This is Marco Andretti's car, says the internet.

I *think* these are the pits, but I'm not sure. Finish line, at the grandstand.

Danica rules magnanimously over a nation of dudes. There were so many dudes in town, a lady couldn't avoid being drunkenly hit on, no matter how early in the morning, no matter how obviously gay, no matter if dressed in gym clothes.

There were three women in the race this year. Danica wrecked on Friday or Saturday, at around 1:40 in this vid: 2009 Indy Car Series Honda Grand Prix of St. Petersburg - Rafael Matos Danica Patrick Huge Crash.

There's more going on in the world and in my world, but it's too nice outside for this business. I'd like to thank I Can Has Internets for randomly sending me a shit ton of traffic yesterday, and also, I kind of like this site Marlz sent me, especially the entry about what a sleazy dick is Terry Richardson, "arguably the godfather of the VICEAMERICANAPPARELIRONICFACIALHAIR hipster ideology," and now I have one place in which to drive all blames.

PS. The WaPo's annual PEEPS COMPETITION WINNERS are, mmm, hilarious. Peeps Show IV. Thanks, RT. Pleeeeeeze make sure you look at "Freedom is not free: A Peeps tribute to the veterans of the Korean War." Haha, and also, "Synchronized Peeping Practice." And "The Bunny Suicides: A Tribute to Andy Riley!" Teeheehee. Oh, people. You slay me.

3/29/10

Morning Quickie

dave & coach left coast

Dave and Laura went to Oakland to run the half marathon. Which looks like they did in about 1:42, Dave in barefooties. Nice, guys. Marlz sent these.


"Coach, post-race, poolside."


"Dave, pet-whisperer, at Anisha's house."

3/26/10

BREAKING: Google's reroute to HK was suggested by Chinese government

I was defeated, you won the war

This week last year I moved to Florida, and the reason it occurred to me to check is because the Indy Cars started practicing yesterday morning, for the annual Honda Grand Prix. I love the sound. They're a mile away, and even though the paper says the cars start running at 11am, the real answer is 8. It's usually so quiet here, aside from the damn leafblowers. Anyway, it was IndyCar's first non-oval, street course event when it started in 2005. Danica and all the "stars of IRL" are here. I probably won't get to see any of it cuz of Yoga Academy, but I'ma bike down at lunch and see what there is to see.

The Sorest Losers

The GOP's temper tantrum would be embarassing to people who had any shame, but look who we're talking about. The fallout includes cleaning house of the last of their party visionaries with working brains. Brava, Republicans. Keep eighty-sixing 'til there's no one left but Teabaggers and Eric Cantor Still An Asshole: Police Dismiss Shot Fired At His District Office As 'Stray Bullet'.


Oooo hee hee heee Nice dangling teabag, dude! Thanks Megs, and AP/St Pete Times.

Wonkette on David Frum: "During and after the 2008 election, former Bush speechwriter David Frum criticized his party for being insane and not caring about policy, for which he was fired from the National Review. During and after the 2009-2010 Health Care Battle, David Frum criticized his party for being insane and not caring about policy. Who was able to fire him this time? Ah, the American Enterprise Institute, perfect." Conservatives oust David Frum for telling the truth, Cynthia Tucker. Here's what finally got Frum canned:

Waterloo

March 21st, 2010 at 4:59 pm by David Frum

Conservatives and Republicans today suffered their most crushing legislative defeat since the 1960s.

It’s hard to exaggerate the magnitude of the disaster. Conservatives may cheer themselves that they’ll compensate for today’s expected vote with a big win in the November 2010 elections. But:

(1) It’s a good bet that conservatives are over-optimistic about November – by then the economy will have improved and the immediate goodies in the healthcare bill will be reaching key voting blocs.

(2) So what? Legislative majorities come and go. This healthcare bill is forever. A win in November is very poor compensation for this debacle now.

So far, I think a lot of conservatives will agree with me. Now comes the hard lesson:

A huge part of the blame for today’s disaster attaches to conservatives and Republicans ourselves.

At the beginning of this process we made a strategic decision: unlike, say, Democrats in 2001 when President Bush proposed his first tax cut, we would make no deal with the administration. No negotiations, no compromise, nothing. We were going for all the marbles. This would be Obama’s Waterloo – just as healthcare was Clinton’s in 1994.

Only, the hardliners overlooked a few key facts: Obama was elected with 53% of the vote, not Clinton’s 42%. The liberal block within the Democratic congressional caucus is bigger and stronger than it was in 1993-94. And of course the Democrats also remember their history, and also remember the consequences of their 1994 failure.

This time, when we went for all the marbles, we ended with none.

Could a deal have been reached? Who knows? But we do know that the gap between this plan and traditional Republican ideas is not very big. The Obama plan has a broad family resemblance to Mitt Romney’s Massachusetts plan. It builds on ideas developed at the Heritage Foundation in the early 1990s that formed the basis for Republican counter-proposals to Clintoncare in 1993-1994.

Barack Obama badly wanted Republican votes for his plan. Could we have leveraged his desire to align the plan more closely with conservative views? To finance it without redistributive taxes on productive enterprise – without weighing so heavily on small business – without expanding Medicaid? Too late now. They are all the law.

No illusions please: This bill will not be repealed. Even if Republicans scored a 1994 style landslide in November, how many votes could we muster to re-open the “doughnut hole” and charge seniors more for prescription drugs? How many votes to re-allow insurers to rescind policies when they discover a pre-existing condition? How many votes to banish 25 year olds from their parents’ insurance coverage? And even if the votes were there – would President Obama sign such a repeal?

We followed the most radical voices in the party and the movement, and they led us to abject and irreversible defeat.

There were leaders who knew better, who would have liked to deal. But they were trapped. Conservative talkers on Fox and talk radio had whipped the Republican voting base into such a frenzy that deal-making was rendered impossible. How do you negotiate with somebody who wants to murder your grandmother? Or – more exactly – with somebody whom your voters have been persuaded to believe wants to murder their grandmother?

I’ve been on a soapbox for months now about the harm that our overheated talk is doing to us. Yes it mobilizes supporters – but by mobilizing them with hysterical accusations and pseudo-information, overheated talk has made it impossible for representatives to represent and elected leaders to lead. The real leaders are on TV and radio, and they have very different imperatives from people in government. Talk radio thrives on confrontation and recrimination. When Rush Limbaugh said that he wanted President Obama to fail, he was intelligently explaining his own interests. What he omitted to say – but what is equally true – is that he also wants Republicans to fail. If Republicans succeed – if they govern successfully in office and negotiate attractive compromises out of office – Rush’s listeners get less angry. And if they are less angry, they listen to the radio less, and hear fewer ads for Sleepnumber beds.

So today’s defeat for free-market economics and Republican values is a huge win for the conservative entertainment industry. Their listeners and viewers will now be even more enraged, even more frustrated, even more disappointed in everybody except the responsibility-free talkers on television and radio. For them, it’s mission accomplished. For the cause they purport to represent, it’s Waterloo all right: ours

3/25/10

I hear race cars

How I Learned to See in the Dark

I've got an advance copy of Chris Pureka's new album How I Learned to See in the Dark right here in my hot little hands, thanks to Christen Greene, who only asked that I review it, but let's be real, I can't write about music, and I'm a superfan whose critical opinion is that everything is awesome. I recommend this nice write up over at Music Remedy. Now I will cut-and-paste tour dates. DC, coming to IOTA April 15th. San Francisco, Portland, Boston, NYC, Philly, Chapel Hill, Chicago, Seattle friendimals all get shows. Florida, never.

Chris Pureka tour dates

Here, let me get a picture out where the light's better.

Suggested Reading

PS. Healthcare. It's a big fucking deal.

3/23/10

I went to sxsw and all i got was this crappy slideshow

The things we did and didn't do

We drove a car and a truck to Austin, Texas, and we ate a lot of bad road food, and some good Austin breakfast burritos, and drank a bunch of Lonestar beer, and rode around and saw a lot of peeps and some shows, and slept on furniture of varying degrees of appropriateness. I got to see old people and meet new people, and speaking of old people, someone referred to me as "the pretty one with wrinkles," which I'll take as an almost-half win and mostly-half burn. I did not take any good photos, and I did not make it to a yoga class. Shelly did make valiant efforts to do a headstand. I saw Chris Pureka and Billy Bragg and The Runaways movie. We discovered a new species, the Texas Sign Bird, often mistaken for the Great-taled Grackle. We spent a lot of money on gas. Sometimes, we were cold. Often we had to pee. A good time was had by most.

Another collection of phone photos, chronologically ordered

3/16/10

"Lawyers, occultists and thinkers will highly appreciate this Asana. You will not have wet dreams."

Headstand Revolution

I had to flee my weekend with the Big Important Yogi, because he was an asshole. Hey, guess what happens when you spend decades on a lovely perfect ashram where you're surrounded by live-in disciples and weekend worshippers? You become a rigid, cranky old man who thinks he knows everything, like everyone else. And I don't gotta pay to sit and listen to that shit. I AM that shit.

Here is a doodle of him sitting behind his little organ that said YOGI on it.

I could try to explain to you why I couldn't stand him, but I think you can just let it suffice to take all your pre-conceived notions of what a guru is, and then accept them as accurate. If you have further questions, feel free to write me. Anyway, after a Friday night and Saturday morning of increasing personal torture, I got on my bike and rode the hell out of there. I spent the remainder of the weekend persuading people to do headstands.

It is surprisingly easy to get one's friends and kin to do headstands! It's also surprising to learn that many people did not grow up doing headstands. I said to Shauna, "Didn't everyone have a gymnastics unit in P.E.?" And she said, "No, we had church." Headstands have a ton of benefits, and some of them are obvious. They work almost every muscle in your body. Inversions in general are good for your brain and your face and your mood. Your blood pressure, your vericose veins, and your cerebrospinial fluid, and who wants to neglect that? But what I really want you to read is this amazing page of asanas I found. Yes! It's full of gems! (" You will find this easy to practise, if you are fat.") I know you won't go there, though you should, so I'll just paste it in here.

5. Sirshasana (Topsy Turvy Pose)

Spread a four-folded blanket. Sit on the two knees. Make a finger-lock by interweaving the fingers. Place it on the ground up to the elbow. Now keep the top of your head on this finger-lock or between the two hands. Slowly raise the legs till they become vertical. Stand for five seconds in the beginning and gradually increase the period by 15 seconds each week to 20 minutes or half an hour. Then very slowly, bring it down. Strong people will be able to keep the Asana for half an hour within 2 or 3 months. Do it slowly. There is no harm. If you have time, do twice daily both morning and evening. Perform this Asana very, very slowly, to avoid jerks. While standing on the head, breathe slowly through the nose and never through the mouth.

You can place the hands on the ground one on each side of the head. You will find this easy to practise, if you are fat. If you have learnt balancing, you can take to the finger-lock method. This Asana is nothing for those who can balance on parallel bars or on the ground. Ask your friend to assist you to keep the legs steady while practising or get the help of a wall.

In the beginning some persons may have a novel sensation during practice but this vanishes soon. It brings joy and glee. After the exercise is over take a little rest for five minutes and then take a cup of milk. There are people who are doing this Asana for two or three hours at one stroke.

AJ DEMONSTRATING SIRSHASANA. BY MANDY!

BENEFITS

This is very useful in keeping up Brahmacharya. It makes you Oordhvaretas. The seminal energy is transmuted into spiritual energy, Ojas-Shakti. This is also called sex-sublimation. You will not have wet-dreams, Spermatorrhea. In an Oordhvareto-Yogi the seminal energy flows upwards into the brain for being stored up as spiritual force which is used for contemplative purposes (Dhyana). When you do this Asana, imagine that the seminal energy is being converted into Ojas and is passing along the spinal column into the brain for storage.

Sirshasana is really a blessing and a nectar. Words will fail to adequately describe its beneficial results and effects. In this Asana alone, the brain can draw plenty of Prana and blood. Memory increases admirably. Lawyers, occultists and thinkers will highly appreciate this Asana. This leads to natural Pranayama and Samadhi by itself. No other effort is necessary. If you watch the breath, you will notice it becoming finer and finer. In the beginning of practice there will be a slight difficulty in breathing. As you advance in practice, this vanishes entirely. You will find real pleasure and exhilaration of spirit in this Asana.

Great benefit is derived by sitting for meditation after Sirshasana. You can hear Anahata sound quite distinctly. Young, robust persons should perform this Asana. Householders who practise this should not have frequent sexual intercourse.

- # -

Hahaha....This site is kind of annoying, but the little gif that shows you how to do the yoga headstand is pretty good.

Headstand Fail

My friends Kyle and Robyn had two premie twin boys yesterday, to add to their existing brood of Ezra. Mazel Tov! Two nights before, I attempted to inspire the people by performing a headstand on Kyle's diving board. My swim to the side was also kind of a fail.

 

SXSW

My Florida posse is meeting my DC posse in Austin, Texas for SXSW! We are leaving tomorrow, so updates here will be maybe not so many. I don't know what's all going to happen when all these worlds collide, but I do know we'll be seeing Chris Pureka at least once. She has a new album coming out in April. Magnet reviews a tune: MP3 At 3PM: Chris Pureka. Check it out. And here is the mp3: HANGMAN

Video morning

Woah! Thanks, Shellington.

Reviews are mixed, to say the least, but senseless violence, rampant product placement, questionable use of the Pussy Wagon, and LITTERING notwithstanding, still, undeniable wow and gay factors.

And...

OK Go Fights For Its Viral Video (NPR): After the overwhelming success of the video for its 2006 song "Here It Goes Again," in which its four band members execute a tightly choreographed dance routine built around a handful of treadmills, OK Go has lofty standards to live up to. With roughly 50 million views on YouTube, "Here It Goes Again" stands as one of the most popular music videos of the Internet era.

Not one to shy away from a challenge, the band set about constructing a painstakingly executed two-story Rube Goldberg machine, set to trigger in time to the music for its latest video, "This Too Shall Pass." Although it starts out small, with a toy truck knocking over some dominoes, the contraptions that make up the machine rapidly get larger and much more complex — pianos are dropped, shopping carts come crashing down ramps, and one band member is launched headlong through a wall of boxes. After assembling a team of dozens of engineers to construct the set, more than 60 takes were needed to get everything working just right during filming.

Since the advent of streaming Internet video outlets such as YouTube, bands and record labels have repeatedly been at odds over how to address the issue that, when a user watches a video online, no money is generated for the label or the band. In an interview with All Things Considered host Robert Siegel, OK Go singer-songwriter-guitarist Damian Kulash says that he — and the rest of the band — view videos not as a potential source of income, but rather as another creative outlet.

"This is all sort of part of the creative project for us," he says. "I mean, the animating passion for us is to get up and chase down our craziest ideas, and sometimes those are filmic, and sometimes they're purely sounds."

The band's label, EMI, didn't see things the same way. In an effort to maintain some control over the dissemination of the music video, EMI denied listeners the ability to embed it on their own Web sites and blogs. After receiving a deluge of complaints, the band eventually persuaded EMI to enable embedding. Soon afterward, however, OK Go parted ways with EMI to start its own record label, Paracadute.

3/11/10

Bring Us your monster Closet Queer football players

A Two-Legged Talking Squirrel

Hi, today we're going to cover the gay things, then we will discuss what to do about the problem of thirst, and then I will show you the fabulous yoga pose that will turn you into a two-legged talking squirrel (like Todd without the coke): Sarvangasana. Who's excited?

1. Today's Top Three Gay Items

Each of these tell a tale of progress manifested, so they all go into the "good" category. I'm pointedly ignoring all this Massa business.

2. Juicing for People with Juicers

I've been so freakin' dehydrated lately I gave myself an IV and then slept in a bathtub full of olive oil. Also, I've been drinking gallons of water, and I find that using a giant cup is the great big secret to making this happen. Comfest Cups are perfect for extreme hydration. If you need one or three, ask me, or any former or current resident of Columbus, Ohio.

Aside from all of that plus spending some time apart from my clingy, needy signficant other, we'll call her "Beer," I've also been juicing up a storm of juice. Want to see? Please? I mean, it was no trouble at all, but if you wouldn't mind...

2a. The Three Steps of OJ

1. Acquire three oranges or whatever those are from your friend's yard, and one tangerine from the yoga studio. Arrange them artlessly on your counter. Photograph for posterity.

2. Slice the oranges in half and squash them onto this electric juicer thing. If you don't have a juicer, first invite Bob to spend the night, and then fail to have fresh orange juice for him in the morning. The appliance should arrive on your doorstep shortly.

3. Pour your juice into a glass that reminds you of "home" and "Beer" and enjoy!

2b. The Six Steps of Warm Green and Red Super Juice

1. Take a bunch of fruits and vegetables out of your refrigerator. Hopefully they will be of wildly varying colors. Scoot the damn cat off the counter. I don't care how cute she is, that's not hygenic.

2. Here we separate fiber from juice and make vegetable poop. It's kind of beautiful.

3. There are recipes for this stuff, but I'm going to feed it to the worms. This is the part where I try to persuade all my friends (or you) to start composting.

4. Look, this is two day's worth of stuff that won't go in a landfill.

5. And, this is a whole year's worth of kitchen stuff plus yard leaves, and it's all nicely controlled with some chicken wire and stakes. You don't even need that much structure. My dad and Jules just toss the stuff into a pile under some shrubbery, I believe, and that's been going on two decades.

6. I almost forgot. Here we have celery beet carrot turnip onion chard starfruit juice. Yeah, it's good.

Damn, we are out of time. Come back tomorrow for SARVANGASANA! For real. Love, JM

3/10/10

Yoda Schooled

Pain in the Butt

We recently spent three days with a guest teacher, Maria KaliMa, who gave us an intro to Functional Yoga Therapy, which she developed. She is one of those people who, in your memory, exists as something more like motion-personified, or a chattering energy field than a mere corporeal being, but this is how she appeared to my phone camera, silent, still, and in 2D:

Here Maria was using one of our Russians, Maxim, to demonstrate something...something that required a giant muscleman with super-developed, super tight pecs to demonstrate. (Max is great. He brings a carton of eggs to class every and drinks them all. Our other Russian, Andrey, is physically the opposite of Max, and also a gem.)

Pretty much everything Maria did and said ("contract the butthole") was interesting (she spent a lot of time with our sacrums, which was I didn't even know were being neglected), but I was most looking forward to learning about injuries and pain around the hips and butt.

Runner's Butt/Yoga Butt, what the hell is wrong with that ass?

Maybe you have a hamstring problem. Yoga Butt, not the good kind, occurs when we've overstetched a hamstring tendon at the point of attachment in our butts. This point of attachment is at the bottom of our pelvis at the ischial tuberosity. (If you want the toliet's eye view of these bones look here). Tendons connect muscle to bone, and when you've overstretched one it takes a long time to heal, because tendons don't get as much blood circulation as muscles do (ligaments even less). Pain here can also mean that your tendon is simply in a state of degeneration (ew), from overuse. Either way, you need to do two things: 1.) increase circulation to the area by frictioning/massaging the area, and 2.) strengthening. For strengthening, Maria recommended two yoga postures, Bridge Pose and Half Locust. Do those and do them well, then, lie down on your back and do a simple stretch by bringing your knees to your chest. Ice. Rest. Repeat.

One way to avoid having this happen is to stay on the balls of your feet, not on your heels, during forward bends. Any time you stretch forward make sure your weight is up near your toes, which brings the hamstring stretch lower down in the muscle.

(I've defaced the lovely illustration at right to show you why it's difficult to tell if you have a problem with your ischial tuberosity/hamstring attachment, piriformis muscle, or sciatic nerve.)

But maybe you have piriformis syndrome. So, a hamstring tear or tendon strain may be what you're experiencing if you have pain deep in your lower tuchas. HOWEVER there are other possible causes, of course, and one big one is called piriformis syndrome. Let me just quote the wiki:

"Runners, bicyclists and other athletes engaging in forward-moving activities are particularly susceptible to developing piriformis syndrome if they do not engage in lateral stretching and strengthening exercises. When not balanced by lateral movement of the legs, repeated forward movements can lead to disproportionately weak hip abductors and tight adductors [By the way, abductors pull our legs out to the side, and adductors pull them together]. Thus, disproportionately weak hip abductors/gluteus medius muscles, combined with very tight adductor muscles, can cause the piriformis muscle to shorten and severely contract. Upon a 40% increase in piriformis size, sciatic nerve impingement is inevitable. This means the abductors on the outside cannot work properly and strain is put on the piriformis...When piriformis syndrome is caused by weak abductors combined with tight adductors, a highly effective and easy treatment includes stretching and strengthening these muscle groups. An exercise regimen targeting the gluteus medius and hip adductor muscle groups can alleviate symptoms of piriformis syndrome within days."

Another site adds these causes of piriformis syndrome, which I believe explain MY personal deep butt pain:

So, how to fix it.

Maria recommends 1.) Staying hydrated, internally and externally with water and oils, 2.) stop clenching your butt, you tight ass ("de-glute"), and 3.) the muscle's been shortened, so stretch it using poses like Marichyasana and my favorite of all Pigeon Pose. Ah, I love that dirty bird. OPEN/STRETCH ADDUCTORS & HIP FLEXORS / STRENGTHEN ABDUCTORS & GLTUEUS MEDIUS.

In general, runners and sitters have tight hips and hammies. This ashtanga instructor/runner has put together a whole series of good yoga asanas for us: 13 Yoga Poses to Help Runners and Other Athletes. Check it out.

Also, here a bunch of hip openers, which feel great if you are a human: Hooray for HIPS!

Anyway, all of this is covered very competently by many people not me, but I just wanted to get your wheels turning if you've been having that deep butt pain but haven't looked into it. I hope Maria never comes to my site and sues me or something.

Stuff That Can't Wait

Somer: Bottoms stay free

3/9/10

Busy :(

Treacle

So much to say and so little time. Item: Gay Republican Politician Is Gay, thank you, Wonkette. More later, really. (PS Message to closted Repubicans)

Cell phone pics-a-dozen

ESG, DC: "Which is worse in a potential paramour?"

Mandy, Tampa: Don't forget your banana pudding.

Megs, St. Pete Pier, ridiculous tame pelican.

Mandy, Tampa, ridiculous hairless cat.

ESG: The first choice in news for Maryland hags.

Jen, Clearwater: "Pup yoga longward dog pose."

St. Petersburg: This young woman has brought her rat to the bar. She also paints her face to match her outfit.

Coach sent me her amazing skating costume, but it was unfortunately unsuitable for wrestling.

Jen, Clearwate. Americans can make it work, too.

"You really can change the world if you care enough."
 

Megs: "Mustaches are expensive but worth it - the scoundrel!"

Bob, NYC. One person's opinion. Or observation.

LD: "Save the fucking princess!"

LD: "Megs has fallen asleep at the keg."
   

Megs, something to the effect of, Thanks, COPS, for showing me myself in 10 years.

Uncanny, really .

3/8/10

Diagnosis: Singing deficiency. Prescription: Karaoke.

The greatest and best song in the world, Tribute

My stepdad Mike says, "This song was sung for us as a tribute to what One City Ministries is doing for the people of Uganda. It was performed after one of our Health and Medical Training workshops." There's a baby crying and some people won't stop chattering, just like here!

More later.

From Jesse: "The one time a year I exercise just happened. I'm very proud of our small, but mighty Heart Gallery Gasparilla Runners! Our team ran the 5k Saturday morning in the freezing, cold rain. We had many people signed up for our team and then just a few who were either 1) really dedicated to the cause or 2) totally unaware of the weather report. Shown above in our dry, pre-race photo. Every person on our team crossed that finish line- all drenched down into our socks. It was an awesome experience despite the weather and we hope to make our team official in 2011 when I hear it will be 70 degrees and sunny."

3/5/10

alarming birthday

The grass on this side is also pretty green

I was awakened several times last night, and this morning as well, by text messages of birthday cheer. When DO these young people sleep? At last I rolled off my couch for a brisk, invigorating walk, as the elderly are encouraged to do, to keep the bearings oiled and the lymphs draining and to let the Vitamin D into the cataracts and whatnot, and then followed my constitutional with a nice glass of psyllium husk to keep it all regular. Ahh! The squirrels are chirping, and it's nearly kitten season. I know the world out there is frightful, but from here it looks alright, of course, I am increasingly nearsighted, and, as my sister pointed out, it might not be the yoga practice but the turning 37 that has recently caused my left foot to grow an entire half size. Elsewhere on my aging self there are numerous wrestling injuries, broken fingernails, and deepening canyons on my face, the result of too much love of sun and fun. And so on.


From my old pal Jonathan. Collection SFMOMA. Gift of Gordon L. Bennett.

Actually, my mom and dad both sent me such sweet birthday messages I feel bad whining about being old. It's a miracle we're all alive! Seriously, did you know that for a good, long time the entire human population consisted of maybe 2,000 individuals? That's called a population bottleneck and it's why we have so very little genetic diversity amongst us. But through all the natural catastrophes, genocides, knife fights, drunkenness and retardation, OUR ANCESTORS somehow got us here. Well done, human race!

Now, I don't want to brag too much about my parents bragging about me, but here's an excerpt from my mom's birthday email:

You never had a good poker face...ever. People could immediately tell if they had annoyed or irritated you, which was fairly often, by the way. You had no problem walking up to complete strangers and sharing that annoyance...like the lady smoking in the hospital waiting room (geesh...people used to actually SMOKE in hospital waiting rooms).

Do you remember the time you were rolling grass (from the yard) in paper and grandma inzani asked you what you were doing...and you replied, "rolling grass like mommy and daddy to smoke"...yikes.

The Rex Bartholomew Show: On Fitness!

It's time now for another edition of Heck's PSA, REPRINTS OF LETTERS TO THE EDITOR FROM BOB'S HOMETOWN NEWSPAPER, THE HUNTINGTON HERALD-DISPATCH!

Cleaning a good way to burn calories

Not only can you save money, but you can become healthy. I was watching Robin Meade on the CNN program at the medical clinic.

She was explaining how to be healthy by eating the right kind of food and by exercising.

Now it seems everybody is telling us to exercise, but not how. So people go out and buy jogging, running clothes, shows and sometimes equipment.

Well, Robin went on to explain that 20 minutes of housework was equivalent to any other type of exercise for 20 minutes. Just think, a clean house to be proud of less the expense of any other type of exercise.

I didn't know that, but my wife did. That is the reason we have a clean house, and she rarely gains weight.

Rex Bartholomew

Milton

3/3/10

Maybe We are the canaries

Landslides in Uganda

I appreciate you kind peeps who've inquired into the well-beings of my mom and stepdad, as nearby landslides have killed maybe 400 people in Bududa. My folks live in Mbale, in the foothills of this mountain, Mount Elgon. It's been raining in Uganda for months, even though it's supposed to be a dry season, and the country has been almost completely deforested for firewood, so there's nothing to hold the ground. My mom and Mike went to the site yesterday. Quoth the mom, "The rains are definitely wreaking havoc in the area....this is NOT the first landslide this year...clearly the worst though. The rains are causing more deaths from malaria and cholera...and it's washed out crops that people truly count on or they starve. Yikes! The weather is crazy all over the world!"


Photos from mom: the raging 'stream'

I know earthquakes in Haiti and Chile are sexier than "Africa's a mess" which is why you should think about helping out if you can. The world's greatest humanitarian crises are in Africa, and my parents are doing hard, important work there. GIVE TO ONE CITY HERE. Thanks, you rule.

From Mom in Mbale

hey all...okay, we are safely back home in mbale. The trip was mud, mud and more mud. It's frightening to actually be there and see how chaotic it is...no one is in charge (that's ALL I need to hear to take over!) and no one is coordinating any efforts. We met with all the LCs (those are like the mayors and governors of the area) to assess the needs and figure out ways to start getting aid in. I mean, honestly, they don't even REALLY know how many are dead, how many are in their resettlement camp, how many orphan children they're dealing with...how to register the survivors so they can have real numbers and know the real needs, etc. Frightening.

It's devestation up there (I don't know how to spell that). We'll head back early in the morning. It takes over 2 hours to walk to the site from the resettlement area (no vehicle traffic can get through the area due to the landslide.) The president made it in via helicopter...guess he can't make that walk. :) There is nothing in Nametsi. It's leveled. (that's the name of the parish in Bududu where the biggest landslide hit). There seem to be only 8 survivors of the WHOLE village because they were able to outrun the mud. The rest were buried alive and they're excavacting bodies now. They are in dire need of help with that; currently there are mostly relatives of the dead excavating and then carrying the bodies the 2 hours up to the camp...where coffins are laid out waiting. The government is providing those.


coffins

I haven't looked at photos yet, but before I end this email I will and I'll send you one if I have anything worth looking at. The site is too gruesome and sad for many photos.

On the way out of the village two guys flagged us down and needed a ride. We almost didn't, cos I swear, we hardly ever give strangers rides. (especially since the local family we were hosted by told us that mzungus really need to leave the area before dark because the villagers KNOW we're there and they'll try to rob us...like we have something to be robbed of!) Anyway, it was way after dark, but the guys ended up being reporters for the New Vision and we actually had more information than THEY had! They wanted to quote us, but we asked them to use the doctors name instead, since we're going back there tomorrow and don't want them mad at us. Anyway, they were asking me about One City and I was telling them things and they want to do a PROFILE of OCM in the paper here! The reporter is going to call us after he finishes the story on Monday. See...THAT'S why we picked them up!

Anyway, I have 4,000 things to do before tomorrow morning. We WILL leave there before dark tomorrow, or else we'll stay in the village somewhere. We'll keep you informed about how things are going. love you all...zeparentals


dr. rafi, mike and the nurse handling pretty much everything there

truck transporting coffins with people sitting on top

sad boy

big sister with little sister...the camp is mostly full of young children
the mountain, with the top gone behind all the rain. Not very creative, but I'm tired. And they're not very good but I was busy making notes and interviewing people, so photography was third on the list.

Next update: wrestling pics and Pigeon Pose!

3/2/10

"Washington" is not a just a useful metonymy to denote what you think is wrong with this country

Gay marriages start in DC tomorrow

From ESG: "as i just won't let you forget, gay marriages start in dc tomorrow. hear: the gay men's chorus of washington! see: fred phelps yelling shit! wait: in a long boring line to do some long boring paperwork! watch: me get up at dawn to follow some lesbians and their little girls to the courthouse!"

David A. Catania: D.C. politician doesn't pull punches, Wapost. "On Tuesday, 12 years to the day after he was sworn in, D.C. Council member David A. Catania (I-At Large) will oversee his greatest triumph when the council is expected to give final approval to his bill to legalize same-sex marriage. But his record also reflects a capacity for bullying committee hearing witnesses and demolishing those who cross him."

Norton to Host End of Congressional Countdown and Beginning of Marriage Equality Tuesday

WASHINGTON, DC – When the District’s Religious Freedom and Civil Rights Equality Amendment Act is enacted tomorrow, Congresswoman Eleanor Holmes Norton (D-DC) will host a reception on Capitol Hill, ending the congressional countdown, "Celebrating a Historic Civil Rights Bill," on Tuesday, March 2, 6-8 p.m., Rayburn House Office Building, room 2167.  D.C. Council Chair Vincent Gray, bill sponsor David Catania, and Committee Chair Phil Mendelson will join Norton for a few words at the reception. Entertainment will be provided by the Gay Men’s Chorus.  Invited organizations include:

            "I'm asking the Gay Men’s Chorus to sing to the Hill Tops," Norton said. "We will celebrate in the District’s tradition and proud history of respect for equal rights all."

WHO: Congresswoman Norton, D.C. Council Chair Vincent Gray, D.C. Council Members David Catania and Phil Mendelson, the Gay Men’s Chorus, gay rights organizations

WHAT: Celebration of enactment of the District’s marriage equality bill

WHEN: Tuesday, March 2, 6-8 p.m.

WHERE:  Rayburn House Office Building, room 2167

3/1/10

Cleo Smacktra vs. Crass Knuckles

event review goes here

Hi, I'm waiting on some photos and tending my bruises. Meantime, from Marlz, Johnny Weir's too gay for figure skating; and from Swagger Like Me, Freddie Mercury.


Was 5¢ too much to ask for mustache rides?

The voice of their blood cries out from the ground.

Another installment of our regular feature, Batshit letters to the editor of Bob's hometown newspaper, wherein we mock people who are different from us. Says Bob, "i know it's just more of the same, but this guy's so poetical i had to shoot it your way. i'm sure it's the actual james taylor, too. "

Country must turn its eyes toward God

How long will we put our hope in government and not in the sovereign God of the universe? How long will we look to our own ways to solve problems instead of doing things God's way?

The last several presidents have pushed Israel to give up land for peace. They've given up land, yet there is no peace. What arrogance and pride we have as a nation to go against the word of God. God will bless those who bless Israel and curse those who curse Israel.

How long will this nation advocate the killing of its children in the womb? Our selfishness knows no bounds. The voice of their blood cries out from the ground.

How long will this nation pervert the institution of marriage with the sanctioning of gay marriage? We wonder why families are in such trouble yet we tear down family foundations with our own hands.

The season of grace will soon be over. Let the scoffers, the unbelievers, the religious and the lukewarm be warned. Do not delay your coming to Him, for He will not delay His return.

James Taylor

Huntington

2/26/10

passings

Eulogy to a Bar

An old friend met her Makers yesterday, and while it's true we hadn't seen Ms. Polly since we all moved away, and while it's also true she'd gotten more aromatic of incontinence with age, she still holds a special place in our livers. From the chatroom and the mail beg and Google images, a eulogy of sorts to the passing of a dive...

Once, at Polly's, I felt loved.

bob: miriam just told me motherfuckin pollys closed
me: what
those fucking yuppies across the street
bob: http://voices.washingtonpost.com/goingoutgurus/2010/02/closed_for_business_pollys_and.html
me: this saddens me. many many things happened there. really. i have a lot of memories and many more un-memories there. and the place DID stink.
bob: agreed. it makes me very sad.
and where will mary work?
and tish?
booooooo.
god. i spent so much time there alone just drinkin w those hooker bartenders. they were like my surrogate mothers in dc.
me: yes i spent a lot of time there alone too.
and remember when we stopped drinking for a while and we'd order N/As there or club soda?
bob: i do!
when girl and i broke up, it was kristina at pollys who told me to stop fucking listening to townes van zandt already.
i took more than one person home from there.
i developed life-long friends who i'll never be able to find now because pollys is closed.
me: that's where i went when GIRL dumped me the first time.
bob: more than one birthday
me: that's where i met GIRL for our first date
and i spent many evenings there with sallypants.
and sarah lyon threw me that surprise birthday party there
bob: we all spent many evenings there with sallypants
sigh.
me: sigh
bob: i sat there and read the first and perhaps only business book i ever read
me: haha
bob: you should post a eulogy
me: i read there too
can this be it?
bob: where the FUCK am i going to read when i go visit DC now?!
me: that's where we were when i heard my brother'd died
bob: are you getting my fucking chats?
me: yeah, it's just all fucked up today
did you get mine?
bob: we left at brother, didn't want to bring it up
me: why? that was a pretty important Polly's moment.
we'd been talking to that lady
and one of the bartenders gave me her chapstick? as consolation?
did that happen?
bob: once i picked up a woman at pollys at 4 in the afternoon
once i had a three way w two guys picked up at pollys
one was married and his husband wasn't along. we'd gone across the street to his condo to 'watch the sopranos'
once, at pollys, i felt loved


Polly's, during Inauguration

Fever Dreamin' Bout Polly's, by Annie

oh here's a polly's memory for you. once i went there with you and coach and shauna and maegan and we got REE-dic shitfaced on $2 pbr or some nonsense and talked about unscrupulous things such a rear door entry and then the bill came and it was for 87 dollars and i put it on my debit card and everyone else "gave me cash" except in the morning when i pulled the crumpled up bills out of my pocket i found $12 there. and so then i sent you all an angry email about it and then coach was like, "yeah, pretty sure fifty of that was mine."

RIP that place!!

p.s. 90% sure michael and i have the swine flu. <3 u!

Sallypants

me: pollys is no longer
Sarah: NOOOOOO!!!
that is so sad
that's where we went before i tried out for the DC improv thing
i remember that day very well
you were house sitting for the dog guys
and brian told me i should just pour a beer on my head and sing "daddy's girl"
good times
i have to go to a meeting
kisses!
me: hahaha

Miriam

Miriam: my suitemate from freshman year of college, mary d., was a bartendress at polly's
the last time i was in polly's we reconnected.
and i'm glad we did
that was boring
dont' include that in your retrospective ;)
me: hmph
Miriam: haha
also the urine smell
or the urinal smell
mary d. and the urine smell
oh, and megan dated a guy i went to college with
weird college-polly's connections
me: now that's boring ;)
Miriam: please find some better material
me: haha
Miriam: i mean it
i dont want to be revealed as a lamestain
i mean to peeps who dont already know that
me: i'll heavily edit you, to make you seem exciting
Miriam: haha
supplement it
me: right
and THEN miriam met three married guys and went home with them
oh, wait, that was bob.
Miriam: yeah
we're not that similar!
JEEEEZ

* * * * * * * * * * *

RE: the incident with the killer whale

From: LD
Subject: people got a lotta nerve

Neko Case: People Got A Lot of Nerve

So the saying says
An elephant never forgets
Standing in the concrete cave
Swaying side and sing
They walked over the ocean
And their dreams they dreamed awake
Until the lights grew dim
Until the cop cars came
Everybody tells me this is crazy, yes I know

But I'm a man man man man man man man eater
But still you're surprised prised prised when I eat ya

You know they call them killer whales
But you seem surprised
When it pinned you down to the bottom of the tank
Where you can't turn around
It took half your leg and both your lungs
And I craved I ate hearts of sharks, I know you know it

I'm a man man man man, man man man eater
But still you're surprised prised prised when I eat ya

It will end again in bullets fired
It will end again in bullets fired

2/25/10

taint lock

"Contact Uranus!"

Last year, at my dad's partner's 50th birthday party, I was alternately relieved and terrified by the assessments of middle age I was hearing from the gathered ladies. One woman insisted that nothing was better than the 50s. She was having a lot of great sex, she happily and repeatedly informed us, glowing and smiling. But another woman had a darker tale of a chilling phenomenon, one in which "all your stuff falls out." This was the first I'd heard of the condition known as "vaginal prolapse" and I was at first incredulous and then horrified. Your vagina can fall out? Oh, but there's more: "A vaginal prolapse is a condition in which structures such as the uterus, rectum, bladder, urethra, small bowel, or the vagina itself may begin to fall out of their normal positions." Ladies, this is something we want to avoid by any means necessary.

And Yoda's got a remedy for it. Yoga locks, or bandhas, are contractions of muscles in different parts of the body, and like everything in yoga, they're supposed to do everything from toning the muscles to "contacting your cosmic identity." For this purpose, we're focusing on Mula Bandha (root lock) the engagement of which is not much different from Kegel exercises, or simply trying to hold it while you're looking for a rest stop. In its simplest form, Mula bandha is just drawing your pelvic floor in. You can practice that at the computer. According to the books, you're supposed to be able to engage separately the perineum (taint, betwixt anus and doodads) and sphincter (contraction of which is called Aswini Mudra*). You can start to feel the difference between Mula Bandha and Aswini Mudra by first contracting everything while sitting up very straight, and then trying it kind of slumped over. Straight up it should be all ass, and relaxed a bit you might feel it more forward and deeper. If you do yoga, it's easiest to feel Aswini Mudra in Up Dog, and best to do Mula Bandha in Down Dog, "one of the easiest poses for recruiting the muscles of the urogenital region in isolation, but a pose in which it is almost impossible to isolate the muscles associated with [your ass]." Try it.

The benefits of practicing these locks are many, and not all ethereal. They're good for sex, and to avoid having your giblets fall out. They're good for not peeing when you laugh heartily. And according to this funny site populated with nekkid people called Tantra Magazine, Aswini Mudra is the path to innumerable orgasms. So, you know, what have you got to lose? Not your vagina!

For an explanation by someone who did not learn this yesterday, read "Hey Baby, Nice Bandhas" at Om Gal.

*Aswini Mudra means "gesture of the horse" and that gesture is what a horse's asshole does after it makes a big horse dump. So there's a nice visual for you.

2/24/10

the mother of invention

do not disturb

Coach's great idea of last night: "I think beach hotels should be mandated to change their do no disturb door hangers to say 'no wake zone.' Can that make us millionaires?"

Dan: "It could put you in the revered upper echelon of motel kitsch, along with the guy who thought up the Buoys and Gulls signs for seafood restaurant bathrooms."

PS. My tombstone.

2/23/10

dandayamana janushirasana

Homework

I don't have time to do the site and do my yoda homework, so I'm afraid that's what's going to be in this space for a while. Sorry. But maybe it'll be somewhat interesting if you practice, and if you don't, maybe you'll want to. Or maybe I'll just drive away what readers I have left. So, today I've gotta script these eight poses, describe their benefits, variations, modifications and contraindications, and vinyasas into and out of. Ok. And I have to draw pictures, but for this I'm just going to find funny photos on the internet. Here we go.

Tree Pose — Vriksasana

From Tadasana, turn your right foot out, and lift your heel to rest against your ankle. Now, bend your right knee, reach down and grab your ankle, raise it up and place your foot flat against your inner thigh, as high as you can get it. Left leg is straight. Thigh presses against foot and foot against thigh with equal pressure. Push the right knee out and down, opening the pelvis and leveling the hips. Now raise your hands to heart center in prayer position. If you are balanced, on an inhale raise your arms up overhead. Lengthen up through the spine, crown, arms, open and stretch through your fingertips. Shoulders are relaxed, shoulder blades drawn down. Left quad is engaged, foot's pressing into the ground.

Or, nevermind, just watch this: Yo Yoga Tree Pose. Haha, look at Cobra Pose.

Contraindications/Modifications: High blood pressure (don't raise arms overhead); balance issues or weak legs (keep down foot turned out at ankle level, and keep hands in prayer position; or stand against a wall; or lie down with foot pressed against wall.) Headache? Uh. Work it out.

Variations: Raised foot in lotus position. Or Palm Tree: Stand with heels up, on toes.

Benefits: Improves balance. Strengthens ankles, thighs, calves. Helpful for painful knees, and sciaticia. Strengthens arches/reduces flat feet.

Vinyasa in: Tadasana; Crecent Moon (Chandrasana)

Vinyasa out: Uttanasana; Standing Hand to Toe

I don't even have time to do this. Hey, do you have salad turnips in your CSA you don't know what to do with? Make a slaw thing.

Turnip Salad Thing

I'm far far far from an authority on making food, but I HAVE seen how most of my people eat. They eat out. Or they make stuff by combining two or three already-made-things together. So I feel like I have a little useable advice for some of you out there: buy a bunch of raw materials, like, vegetables (example: cauliflower), fruits (example: apples), legumes (example: lentils) and grains (wild rice is nice, yeah, I know it's a seed, whatever), right, and then have some things we all need like oil, vinegar, maybe canned tomatoes, coconut milk, butter, rooster sauce, peanut butter, etc. Then, here's the important part, WHEN YOU GET HUNGRY look at what you have...and you're all like, what the hell do I do with this giant head of cauliflower, some spaghetti noodles, a jar of peanut butter, an onion and an egg? And then you walk over to the internets and you type in what you've got, and something will come up that has some of your stuff in it, and then you make something like that. See. And then you're whipping yourself up some bastard Pad Thai and it's healthy and cheap and you did it yourself. It's totally easy.

Step 1, ask the internet what to make, based on these weird salad turnips you have. Select a recipe that has some more stuff you have in it. In this case, I have green onions, black pepper, orange juice, raisins, vinegar, oil, green pepper, and mayo, but I think I'm gonna scotch the mayo for this one.


It's sad I didn't get to the turnip greens in time, because they're super good for you. The roots are just high in Vitamin C, so, let's get some C today.

Step 2, chop stuff up and combine it with other stuff. Don't forget to take photos for your dumb blog.

Step 3, chop the tip of your goddamn finger off, because you have a nice sharp knife. Feel gratitude for the Intelligent Design called fingernails.

Step 4, have a friend like Bob who will surprise you with a citrus juicer shipped to your door, because he is nice, and because he is crazy about fresh-squeezed orange juice, and you do live in Florida for chrissakes.

Step 5, put some in a bowl to photograph, then return it to the refrigerator for improvement.

Remember, it is the pressure to not let your veggies go bad that will compel you to make food. So, buy fresh things, and put the pressure on.

Namaste, bitches!

THE DISTANT PAST

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