1/4/10

use your words

I could go on and on

Welcome back, excuse the mess. People take pictures, send them to me.

Florida: Bowed, but not broken, by Mr. Dan Weisburg.

Baltimore: I don't know who this is, but Lili sent it, and it looks like how she and Vicki roll.

More phone picture potpourri

St. Pete, Central Ave: I'm an asshole. I wear fur.	Bob + Liz Brown's backyard = OJ
Bob makes grilled grouper and Stone Crab Claws.	Edward has joined the ranks of the chimp-footed.
Amazing Golden Girls hood by Megs.	And coming soon to a truck near me.

It's time again for...

Crazy Shit from Bob's Hometown Newspaper's Letters to the Editor

Hole in road quite a nuisance

There's a hole in the middle of my road, and it's been there for some time now. Oh, there have been some Band-Aids put on and in this rather large opening, but, yet there it is — a large hole, smack in the middle of my road. Now I have to either go around in the grass or slip past a pothole-plagued guard rail. It's bad enough in good weather, but rain or snow makes it doubly tough. And, if I might add, very annoying.

You see, when the water rises, water will flow under my road from the creek. A culvert would probably go a long way in solving this problem. But to this point, gravel, rocks and a top layer of asphalt have been the "answer."

So, to the Lawrence County Commissioners, Union Township Trustees and Chesapeake Village Council and mayor, would one of you please move out my way? There's a hole in the middle of my road.

Ron Crump

Chesapeake, Ohio

* * * *

A few thoughts on the world today

No prayers in school, but yet parents can pray at NASCAR, football games, etc.

Parents can't discipline their children.

No festival seating at concerts; someone might get hurt.

Laws are not enforced. DMV, how many deaths have there been in the last year?

ATV laws not enforced. Kids riding these without helmets and in the middle of main roads. Call the police. What do they do? Nothing.

Unemployment is way up, so let's close more businesses.

We are losing our rights. Kids are obese. Why? Because there is nothing that a poor child can afford to do in this state. Any person who stays in becomes a couch potato and is going to gain weight. I believe God made every person to be himself or herself; all people cannot be trim and slim.

We should be able to sit and enjoy a cigarette if we choose to. People who do not smoke should stay out of places that allow smoking instead of complaining about it. Smokers should fight for their rights and refuse to go into a restaurant that does not allow it.

Everyone is going to die today or maybe tomorrow; no one knows. Put more energy into the laws already in effect and get the drugs off the street that are killing the young and the old.

Cigarette smoke is not the only silent killer. Fatty foods, sugar, too much coffee. I could go on and on.

Estella Morrison

Huntington

12/31/09

for it will receive an enchanted beam of light from Uranus

2009. Wtf.

I can't get down with everything this guy says, but I like some of it, particularly this: Paleo I Don't Care: I Like No Soap; No Shampoo. Taking it to the next level in 2010.

Susan Miller no relation has kindly posted her January horoscopes. Fellow fish should be especially pleased cuz the forecast is sunny.

I just started looking through the archives of old New Year's Eves...last year, Florida, happy. The year before, DC, sad. The year before that, I brought my my bro back to DC. The year before that, another Emerson House dance party. The year before that, Edward lights his head on fire while drinking flaming Everclear in my wig. The year before that, my brother was wearing eyeliner and I was talking shit about Florida. And then I went out with my sister in Ybor and got tatered, as they say here:

This year I'm hosting Bob, and you know what that means.

Thanks for being a friend and/or reader this year. Your attentions and support are appreciated and frankly, needed. I'm just that kind of person. Happy New Year, peeps.

12/30/09

Aughtta woulda coulda. please get shot.

In my dreams you walk dripping from a sea-journey on the highway across America in tears to the door of my cottage in the Western night

I started writing about Ghosts of New Year's Eves Past and time slipping away but I freaked out and jumped off that train to useless nostalgia town. If anyone can tell me what I did or who I was with when we partied like it was 1999 because it was, please write. Happy new decade, everyone!

Last night I went to check out a new yoga class. I'd read about this local instructor and studio owner and was kind of intrigued because she also practices hypnotherapy. It's also just fun in general to try on different studios and yogis because they're all way different. This one looked particularly woo-woo.

(Intermission of Fact: no one cares about yoga, as a topic for conversation, but I'm going to press on.)

I arrive and am introduced around. The class is made up of six women and one husband. And me. The people range in age from oldish to elderly. They are very chatty and familiar. Even as class is getting underway one lady is still talking with the very old one about plastic surgeons they use ("Oh, Dr. Weinberg? I loooove him, he likes to work on the eyes. But I go to his partner now.") The ladies are not dressed like they're going to be working out. They are wearing bangles and sweaters and belts. I soon discover that that's because we will not be "exercising," just stretching. That's cool. I'm wearing board shorts and a muscle-t so I look ridiculous as always.

We get started slooooowly by moving our heads back and forth as the yogi-woman passes out mad props. And mad props in this context means blocks, straps, cushions, blankets, and eye pillows(!), jesus, what a bunch of stuff. And during the entire very short one hour session, she circles the room attending to the various aches and whines of the class ("My strap is too short. My knee hurts. Is my knee supposed to hurt?" Etc.) The old lady is having trouble mirroring the poses, but she's trying. Her major problem is that she can't keep her balance. My grandma mentioned at Christmas that she's having a hard time balancing. I told her to go to yoga. I was ignored.

The stretching's nice, and honestly since I've been doing the barefoot running thing my calves and ass are so sore I can barely walk up and down stairs, so I'm cool with EZ-style. After only 45 minutes we go into shavasana, which is when you basically just lay there like a dead person and feel awesome, especially since it means class is over. You're supposed to relax and not think and all of that good garbage. But THIS shavasana is different. For one thing it was going to last for 15 minutes, and for another thing the yogi (sorry, I just learned its yogini for ladies) is still talking talking talking.....and I'm getting sleepy. Very sleepy. We are going on some sort of journey, out onto 16th street and then into some woods? Up a mountain? There are no mountains in Florida.....so, peculiar. We are walking through a beautiful forest. Friendly woodland creatures are alighting upon our shoulders. Ok, this is stupid, I'm thinking. I am back in my elementary school production of Bambi. I played Darlene. The old woman is snoring. I drift off for a second. And then there's a bright cottage in the woods. I'm told to open the door so I do, and inside is someone I love with a message for me. The message is, "You are loved. Now go be your bad self." I'm suspicious, because I had said something to that effect to a friend of mine earlier in the day. I say, "I'm just talking to myself, right?" But then we are leaving the cottage and traipsing back along the path through the woods with the bunnies and deer and birds and whatnot, and then we're back in the parking lot and back into the studio full of weirdos, and seriously, it feels like it was real. Whatever real means. It feels good.

The end.

- 30 -

We are the last generation to create and control our online identities (unless you are famous or have a jerky blogger friend). All babes through present and future history shall be nekkid on the internets from day one.

I asked Jessica to send me pictures of Elliot and she did. Lookit how beautiful Jess is, and how scrumptious Ells is. His ears are a little big, though.

Dan's not so bad either. I miss them.

Postscript: Speaking of your mom, Postcards From Yo Momma

ESG taught her mom to text the other day. "Taught mom to text and created a strange, halting monster. she's just texting everything she sees on tv." On Day 2 she evolved:

ESG's Mom: please get H1N1

then: NO! not the flu. please get shot.

then: NO! i mean.

12/29/09

this is about climate change and health care, too

The Cup: Reader Feedback

"Hi everyone. Just glad to see the review on diva. I got mine today."

— happy southerner

"Yay! I have a diva cup! Pantiliner training wheels made all the difference. And you can fingerbang til Tuesday with that thing in, with confidence."

— satisfied northerner

"Greetings, Bleeders. The whole bleeding thing is but a misty memory BUT I never used tampons, always used a diaphram for my period. Same deal - emptied it, fascinated by the blood, etc. Worked great. For years and years. The end."

— tales of frontier ingenuity southwesterner

"jenny!  nice post!  woohoo!  i'm glad you've christened your new diva.  and now i think i know what's wrong with mine.  i'm another one of those girls who thought 'oh, i'm petite, and even though i'm 30 i bet the smaller one is right for me.'  initially, i did get a few good seals going on so that there was a bit of suction (i had recently also been fitted with an IUD, and when asking my gyno if there was any possible way the diva cup could actually suck the IUD out, she stared at me blankly and i just dropped it).  anyway, i think i need to upgrade to model 2.0.  i mean, things shift!  just because you're small on the outside, doesn't mean you have any idea of what your parts look like on the inside.  i guess there's something like continental drift going on?

"one quick story: i flew to dc REDACTED FOR SEMI-ANONYMITY and we went out and ended up dancing at mousetrap at the black cat (um, that was kinda weird and surreal).  anyway, at about midnight or so, i was dancing, and by dancing i mean jumping, and i suddenly felt weird internal dripping down my vag canal.  i had totally forgotten that my cup had been in since 6am that morn!  so i went to the bathroom and it was a huge mess and i so so so wanted to rinse it out and my bloody hands in the sink, but the bathroom was teeming with too cool 4 school young'uns and i didn't want to scare them.  gosh, now that i think of it, i really should have come out of my stall all covered in blood.

"anyway, doesn't using the diva cup make you want to always remember to wash your hands?  it can get nast.  but yeah, pouring out all that dark blood is totally satisfying.  someone should make a twilight spoof out of it or something.  oh yeah, that's right, twilight is a spoof.  (or something.  i swear that's the worst movie i've ever seen.)"

— adorable midwesterner

"just a note...nice job on the...uh...that thing that...euh...you know...that...mmm... CUP...uh...yeah...ok...happy end-of-decade btw..."

— uncomfortable Kentucky Neil

From: B. Minter
Subject: women-related issues

I will have you know that
a) I am well aware of the Diva Cup, and its uses.
b) I am perfectly comfortable discussing VAGINAS.

Sincerely,
Brian M. Minter

12/28/09

Heck's reviews hippie shit

Diva Cup: Hooray or Nay?

Despite how it may look, I don't get too personal here on the bloggedy blog, because I'm not stupid. Well, I may be stupid, but I know how the internets work. Ask anyone who's endured the insult-to-injury of a Facebook breakup announcement about how the web giveth and taketh away. And while we're on the subject— all this crying about Facebook compromising your privacy: are you kidding me? Don't post anything anywhere that you wouldn't be ok with any person or all the world seeing. Everything is endlessly indexable, and even if it's "protected" it's just one screencap away from being born again anywhere. Don't be naive. Facebook was never your friend.

Anyway! So I don't reveal my great secret depths here, haha, and today will be no different, except I'll be speaking explicitly and in depth about my vagina and general girlie maintenance issues, so if that bothers you (B. Minter), here are some metal tunes Bob sent me:

Ride the Stratosphere | Gladiator

The Review Starts Here

It comes with this gay little pouch and
a pin you can wear. Great conversation
piece!

The Diva Cup, or The DivaCup, as its creators insist, is a silicone, funnel-shaped cup that you cram...wait. "The DivaCup is a non-absorbent menstrual cup that simply collects menstrual flow. It is inserted in the vagina and sits at the lower base of the vaginal canal. It is worn internally, yet because it is soft and smooth, it cannot be felt nor will it leak when inserted properly."

GENESIS: A friend of mine had been extolling the cup's virtues, and I was psyched to try the thing out myself. Buying tampons just pisses me off. This is the best we can do after all this time? Clog up the toilets and landfills with blood-soaked cotton/rayon blends? Some factory somewhere puking out endless plastic and cardboard applicators, so your precious little hands don't have to touch your gross self? The money, the waste, the whole nine yards, right. So, I bought a Diva Cup. Paid $21 for a Model 2, due to my advanced age. Apparently when you pass 30 your vagina becomes gigantic!

INITIAL INSERTION: To celebrate the birth of Christ, I christened the cup on Christmas morning. According to the instructions, you're supposed to fold it in half, like when you fold your tongue in half, if you can do that, and then push it in (but not as far up as you would a tampon?), and then, get this, turn it 360° around to create the seal. This seal is critical. It is the head gasket to your engine. If you blow the gasket, you will have a mess. But it's not easy, at least not at first, to get your hand around the slippery, grippy thing and turn it all the way around. True believers claim it gets easier.

Someone made this weird computer illustration,
complete with cellulite.

PUBLIC OPINION: I got the thing in and then sat down to have coffee with my grandma, who for some reason started talking about her old gynecologist, and how he hated tampons, and would always bitch about having to pull the residuals out of ladies like the world's worst cotton candy. This seemed like a good time to tell her about The Cup. She made a hilarious, digusted face and said, "Gross."

I LIKE IT: After a few days of using the contraption, which included a 12-hour drive and a lot of gas station restrooms, I've got to say the thing is awesome. For one thing, dumping cups of your own blood is pretty satisfying. It's at least interesting. You can't feel the thing when it's in there. There's no nasty wet string hanging between your legs. And I'd say it works as well as a tampon as far as reliability. But man, the suction is a bit intense. After wrestling with it in a McDonalds bathroom, I texted my Cup Veteran friend from the road:

me: I shoulda tried on yr model 1

friend: It's not big enough or too big?

me: It seems big. And massively suctiony. Like, death star hauling in the millenium falcon.

friend: Maybe the tiny holes are clogged with period clot.

me: Tractor Beam!

SUCTION: For obvious reasons, I don't like to think of my lady in terms of great heavy bodies with huge gravitational pulls, massive planets, black holes, or Death Stars. And it's not awesome to be in a public restroom full of people with your stall sounding a big *pop* as you celebrate the win of removing the thing. These are minor gripes. Maybe the tiny air holes around the rim ARE clogged. I don't feel like checking right now.

SEX? Not that you're probably in the habit of having the sex with your tampon in, but while that CAN be done, it occurs to me that it could not be done with the cup. At all. Just FYI if you're into that kind of thing.

REAL TALK: Finally, ok, tampons and pads smell really bad. We all know this. What with the saturated materials and the exposure to air, there is the not-so-fresh odor. Especially if you are one of those people under the very false impression that deodorant tampons mollify rather than exacerbate the problem. God, who wants to smell like a tampon? This also goes for scented cat litter. Anyway, THE DIVA CUP IS ODORLESS — HOORAY. So do whatever it is you were doing there with confidence.

Here ends the quick and haphazardly written review.

We have a question from a caller:

miss mess: here's a question
do you have to rinse it?
like, how does that part work
after you take it out? you just pop that mother back in or what?

me: you rinse it out. and if there's no sink, you can kinda just wipe it out with some tp and back in it goes

miss mess: huh
and how long can you keep it in for?
and does it have a case or something for when it's not in use? can you use it for more than one period?

me: you can keep it in all day and night if you want. you just have to empty it when it's full.

miss mess: you know it's full if it leaks?

me: and yeah it comes with that little cloth bag
kinda the same as you know your tampon's full

miss mess: ok
my tampons are pretty much never full
i just take them out at the prescribed times

me: and yeah, you can keep it for years. they have to say one year, i think, but i can't see any reason for that.
i will be posting this, you know

miss mess: ok
i think i will get the under 30 model
given my overall petite size
also, not sure how straight girls have sex w/ tampons in
or anyone who wants to insert anything into there
when there's already a tampon
that just seems like a recipe for disaster

me: well. shrug.

miss mess: well

me: the FAQs says your petite size has nothing to do with it. and if youre 29 going on 30, get the model 2. but i dont know

miss mess: thanks for the PSA on the diva cup i'm 30 going on 31 and the thought of death star suction is moderately terrifying

me: thanks for calling

OTHER AMUSING OPINIONS: Oh Diva Cup, How I Love Thee. "Because I'd had a few beers, I was like, 'What do you mean, a cup?!' and she explained to me about this hippie-dippie device, whose benefits include not having to stick bleach or chemicals up your vag, no leaks, no need to change it every 4-6 hours, less material waste and less cramps."

PS. Cute. At Dan Weisburg's annual Christmas party for the children of migrant farm workers

12/23/09

Friends making things

One hour last night

Edward, 11:17pm: "I made a snowboard park in the backyard! I'm probably too drunk to use it."

Nat, 10:18pm: "I fixed up an old guitar I got from LDs garage sale, put tuning keys on it, pegs, strings. Sanded it down and burned 'holy' on the body!"

Perfect gift? Burning a replica of your girlfriend's tattoo into a guitar. Well done. Respek.

Meanwhile...Megs makes a torch from her bonfire and prepares to go after the monster.

If I had a daughter I'd name her Stevie

And if Steve Earl had a kid he'd name him Justin Townes

12/22/09

LISN bud LISN

I got you a few funny things and a postcard from Africa

Last night I awoke to an unfamiliar feeling, COLD, and apparently it only got down to 36° but my apartment's heat system is sort of a primitive afterthought, so I ended up breaking in my new sleeping bag. I hope it works as well on the 3-night paddle trip I'm taking in January. Brrr.

Lookit

• YouTube Comment or e. e. cummings?, McSweeney's, SLyon
• Coconut-carrying octopus, YouTube, LD
• Concrete Jumble: King Kristmas, "The filmmaker Gary Leib's alternative, cartoon history of how Christmas came to New York City," nyt, Bob
• Internet Archaeologists Find Ruins Of 'Friendster' Civilization, Onion

Books

I just read a couple books that I'd like to recommend if you haven't already: The Heart Is a Lonely Hunter by Carson McCullers (I'm not sure how it took me so long to get to that one), and Men and Cartoons, a collection of short stories by Jonathan Lethem that you can probably pick up for $5. And if you haven't checked out Born to Run yet, buy it so I don't have to buy it for you. Here's the goofy fan site/minimalist running group Barefoot Ted made.

Mom and stepdad's new digs

Speaking of discomfort, my folks are settling into their new place in Mbale (Uganda), which is "quite dirty and bug infested," and furthermore "We've been told that folks are 'watching' our compound, so we can't really go anywhere on Christmas Day. Drat. We wanted to go to the village for church service (that we'd be giving, of course...) and have dinner. But unless you have armed guards in your compounds, mzungus are told not to leave."

Here's a picture of the site of the village they're building. The village will eventually be 100% self-sustaining. First step is building a security wall. I must say, this wall is a project my sisters and I are VERY CONCERNED WITH. Help My Parents Not Get Kidnapped, Murdered, Robbed!

They've got a guy named Simon helping them out. "Simon has 3 wives and somewhere between 8-10 kids...depends on who you talk to. Everytime I ask him a question, he answers with, 'in fact...' Funny. We're a bit used to dealing with folks from his tribe. They are known for gossiping. He should be FUN! We have a definite rule in the house and that is what is seen/heard here, stays here. It took about 6 seconds for all of mbale and the surrounding villages to know that a new mzungu family moved in. It's created quite the hornets nest. Everyone wants a job, or something else. It took the village pastors about 12 hours to show up at our gate unannounced. Thankfully we were dressed and not drunk or anything! They were our first official guests...meaning, we invited them to sit down and we gave them a soda. That's what you do here! It was so funny...Pastor T, who really doesn't get out much, took the straw wrapper off and threw it on the floor and his bottle cap. I was so taken back...and so I picked it up...Pastor J saw me, and he stuffed his in his pocket. Well, what do I expect? They have cow dung for floors in their homes. Sigh again."

Happy travels, loves.
- JM

12/21/09

It's the most shortest time of the year

Solsticey

Items sacrificed to the bonfire: regular lumber; a bed post; 2 chairs; palm fronds; a pile of phone books; various boxes. Items considered for burning and rejected: a fold-out sofa; the deck. Only a single-minded determination for fake survival kept our party from giving up, resorting to cannibalism, or being chilly. I am humbled by the brave perseverance of my people. I am also tired because of it. So instead of posting all this good stuff I have here for you, I'm just gonna suggest this new kitty porn from cg: cat lobster (comment: "I love the third image, where you get the lobster-kitten hate stare of doom," says Bob) and this: NPR Tiny Desk Concert Series: John Vanderslice, from Bob. Ahhhh, he plays "Too Much Time." That whole series is great — check 'em out. Look at The Avett Brothers, too. (Hey, Benjy's got one!)

This happened to me:

I love them as much as they are ugly.

Suggested seating for bonfiring.

Message Fail

Me and monkeys

One was eating corn on the cob.

12/18/09

whatEVER

Continuous Distributed Cultural Erosion

I didn't know about this, either because Jaime Hotdish is a terrible friend or I am: i'd rather be...an art shanty adventure! Pictured are Hotdish and company building the word's largest suitcase. Midwesterners are so industrious. "This suitcase is going to be so big that not even the most illogical person would try to use it as a carry-on bag. In fact, the estimated price of checking this suitcase with Northwest Airlines is about $1,440."

Heck's Holiday Shopping Guide

bob: i recommend high-end chocolates. think a lot of people will be getting those this year from me. well, the people i purchase gifts for, anyway
which is not that many
everybody else just get shit when i see it

me: that's my preferred way, but then there's always some thing that happens where people are handing you gifts and clearly you shouldve been prepared. grr

bob: yeah, but fuckit
ok, here's an annoying thing -- my old man has been going on about the stafford executive shirt from jc penny and what a beautiful dress shirt it is (this is after i sent him some links to purchase me a holiday gift of dress shirts and, cutely, he didn't like them and has been going on about this jc penny shit). so, i start looking around, and they have this option where you can build your own online and order a custom shirt. at $65 this is pretty damned cheap for a custom shirt. BUT -- you can't fucking order this as a gift and send it to someone to do themselves. who the fuck had this idea to not complete the loop on the website? seriously, jcpenny, did you not hire an ecommerce consultant?

me: that's a great idea

bob: dude. so annoying. this lack of foresight is one of the many reasons that these companies are experiencing difficulties. if there's one that's this glaring, then there are more.

me: you are an overreacting petulant new yorker!
bwahahahahaha

bob: whatEVER

More after the planetary energy stabilizes

Yesterday my horoscope was so riotously wrong it made me wonder....is my birth certificate a fake? Was I adopted, maybe, by people who look just like me? I can think of no other explanation. Was it Opposite Day?

• New Achewood!

Hope you are all having great Fridays. Good luck with that Mars retrograde.

12/17/09

ugh

no-frills

words: treed cat (RT), cat with no face (Bongz), drunk kids (Matt), joeliebermanwantsyoudead (Marlz), shellfish (Underblog), Mo's (LD), Shauna comment: "i wish i wasn't so cynical to think this wasn't a PR half-measure so they can say we don't hate, we just don't think you should have 'full' rights — and get more votes to strike down all the ballot measures they pour millions into fighting. like they will in DC. i guess it is a big step though. you guys ever watch big love? they had a similar storyline where the gays then glommed on to the church to comic effect."

illustration:

©Nat

12/16/09

Bob's special day

What good are we if we can't speak the truth?

Hooray, Guvment!

• DC GAYS! D.C. Council approves same-sex marriage bill, Wapost (Sandhya contributing). Q&A. Marion Barry is a pussy, not in a good way.
• DC WEED! Is Medical Marijuana Coming to DC?
• CALI WEED! Marijuana legalization initiative headed for 2010 ballot, organizers say
• NATION: Congress, please pass this: House votes to turn down volume of noisy TV ads, and please kill the worthless health care bill and start over. Really.

Boo, Guvment

My mom and stepdad live in Uganda, doing missionary/humanitarian aid work.

• Uganda's Harsh Anti-Gay Legislation Has American Links, SPLC (with bonus Rachel Maddow dressing-down of the villain Richard Cohen).
• Taboos Silence Opponents Of Uganda Anti-Gay Bill, NPR.

Mom was on the gchat this morning:

mom: Right now I'm trying to find a way to log into a facebook comment dealie without using my address...
[someone's friend] sent me this article on the crazy ugandan antilhomosexuality bill...
I'm trying to comment without getting thrown out of uganda!
or ending up in jail...

mom: hey...pretty cool Rick Warren spoke out against the bill here, huh?

me: really?

mom: You can sense a change in the climate here as we get closer and closer to elections. I think we'll plan a lot of time away in 2011!

mom: yes! he did! It was cool!
We'll have to like him now...hawaiian shirts and all.
You could come teach yoga here. Soon as we get rid of the bill! We might both end up in prison together!

mom: crud...i've exceeded my number of words for the comment.
now i have to edit.

me: hahahaha

mom: [Your stepdad] won't let me send it.
I can't find a way to do it without it tracing back to me.
I guess i would get into some trouble. geesh.

me: man, you think the uganda govt's really got their shit together like that?

mom: scarily, yes.
you know, if a person knows their son, daughter, aunt, mother, etc., is gay and doesn't report it within 24 hours they'll be put in prison too?
So, if someone doesn't like their neighbor, you just report them as being gay...

me: argh, terrible. witch hunt

mom: think there's a test or something to prove to the govt one way or the other?
it IS a witch hunt.
it boils my blood, and even more so when I can't say anything.
geesh, what good am I if I can't speak the truth.

Bob in PR

Because Bob takes so much abuse in this space, I'm posting these cute photos of him. He totally didn't suggest I do so. Nor did he provide these captions:

"Hee. This clearly depicts me, some reporters from the wapost, and various super-geniuses, one a pop culture phenomenon who looks like a bear, at the christening of the new washington post studio."

And with Jaime, who did the video for a stock exchange event.... Awwwwww! I miss that Jaime.

Olivia Mancini and the Mates

DC friendimals have a new record and a bunch of shows coming up at your favorite venues, including: DC9, Galaxy Hut, Iota. Check their schedule and lookit their cute new video. It's official.

mp3 download
'lil CP write up

P.S. Debs is preggers. Mazel tov!

12/15/09

quality of life

Clapping Tool for Cheering

Things that are acceptable to purchase new

1. socks
2. shoes
3. books
4. pregnancy tests*
5. food
6. yoga mats
7. paint
8. calendars
9. some electronics
10. most toiletries
11. band-aids
12. knives
13. pillows
14. contact lenses

Things to make, find, or buy used or not at all

1. furniture
2. cars
3. pets (free)
4. children
5. anything found in SkyMall
6. pens (these should be stolen)
7. artifiical christmas trees (if you must)
8. houses
9. appliances
10. paper towels, coffee filters
11. stupid plastic toys that kids don't need, when I was a kid we played with sticks and bananas, blah blah blah....
12. hats
13. bottled water
14. Harleys, hot tubs, treadmills, most exercise equipment (things often bought by people with hopeful notions of themselves, and then dejectedly sold on Craigslist, "BARELY USED")
15. EVERYTHING HERE

Things the world is always trying to give you and I wish they'd stop

1. bags at the supermarket
2. doubled to-go coffee cups with the stupid sleeves and the plastic top, even when it's for here
3. straws
4. a stack of napkins/plastic utensils/a handful of condiment packets
5. mardi gras beads
6. Awake!
7. phone books
8. lists telling you how to live your goddamn life

*
Not worthy, but I thought of Lie Bot and the Saddest Thing when I saw this happen just now.

New York Times Magazine Endpaper: Selected Patents, 2009.

Click to Biggen. My scanner's working again.

Definition: Lesbian Night

Went to see my friends' band open for Bitch, afterward incurred an elbow injury during a sidewalk wrestling bout, then someone put a frozen block of tofu on it. This photo doesn't quite capture its swollen, yellow and grey lumpiness.

It's possible I have a wrestling problem.

12/14/09

B-Boys

Abortion is working

I'm trying to rid my life of all things disposable, non-recyclable, non-compostable, created for the landfill, including but not limited to: to-go boxes, tampons, Ikea furniture, Q-tips, kitchen sponges, and just junk junk junk. The world is so filled with junk it is terrible to consider. All the storage units, all the suburban garages, all the big box stores, filled with crap we don't need and can't get rid of. We'll be buried! Stop buying shit, people. Thimk!

"Houston, of all places," says Brian. Houston Elects Mayor. "With 99% of precincts reporting, Annise Parker has been elected mayor of Houston, the Houston Chronicle reports. Parker will be the first lesbian mayor of a major American city."

Brian knows what I like: "Also, please enjoy these ghost shopping malls." Ghosts of Shopping Past.

By by Brian Ulrich. Richland Mall, 2009, after Stephen Shore, 1973.

Brandon Neil also knows what I like: The Funniest Protest Signs Of 2009, HuffPo.

Bob, too. From his crazy-ass hometown newspaper letters-to-the-editor....

Where have all the kids gone?

As an avid high school fan, I was taken aback by recent news that our Secondary Schools Activities Commission was considering cutting teams from 11 players to eight due to the lack of available players. I wondered why.

On a recent Saturday evening, it was so nice, my wife and I decided to take a drive through the park. As we rode, we passed people walking, some jogging, but how strange ... we passed a playground with swings, seesaws, slides, but I only counted about five kids. Why? Then I decided abortion is working.

Just think of all the money we can save if we don’t have to buy any more playground equipment, and there are no more high school sports.

F.B. Branham
Kenova

Solid logic, F.B. By the way, I hear some of you have been getting popup ads coming in and out of this site. I don't know what the fuck is up with that, except that abortion must be working. I'll fix it as soon as I can figure it out. No, I don't have ads. I've always depended on the kindness of strangers. And if YOU are a stranger, say, if you are one of those lurkers who've been dropping by for months or years without saying hello, please: katspank@gmail.com. The proprietor would love to meet you.

I can't stop reading these and laughing my ass off.

Also, I read this in a collection of Rilke quotes, and immediately imagined Philippe saying it. So here you go. Do you think Onstad would like it?

12/11/09

Weird Fish With Transparent Head you saw it here first

True Jokes

Our friends' baby is getting chemotherapy treatments. His grandma took him to Checkers. Here is the approximate, 4th-person-removed reenactment of the conversation that took place between grandma and the woman taking her order.

Clerk: What a cute baby!
Grandma, pleased: Thank you.
Clerk: How old is he?
Grandma: 14 months.
Clerk: And no hair yet?
Grandma, displeased: Well, he's a cancer baby.
Clerk: Well my nephew's a Sagittarius and he has PLENTY of hair.

Scene.

This is pretty cool: The Ninth Annual Year in Ideas, nytimes magazine.

Ranger Ted says, "Um, I think you had better take a look at this..." FIRST PHOTOS: Weird Fish With Transparent Head.

PS. That attempt at a Blay reminded me of Definitely Totally and you should go there now.

12/10/09

a profoundly unpretentious place

Running with Sisters

My sisters accidentally ran their first 5k last night. Sadly, we have no commemorative photo. Like many St. Petersburg happenings, The Jingle Bell Run is a casual, silly affair, full of costumery, glo-sticks, bells, dogs, strollers, walkers, bells, bands, and runners weaving around and dodging all that stuff. It started and ended at the Pier, and naturally I was an hour early and my sisters got there right as the race began. I'd told them there was a 1-mile option, which turned out to be a lie. Because they arrived at the last second they started way out front, while I was in the back waiting for them. I finally spotted them up ahead with a quarter mile to go, so I sprinted up and we all finished together. It was rad. And by then they were too busy feeling good about themselves to be mad at me anymore. Perfect timing.

Here is someone else's photo from last year.

A strange, possibly magical fog rolled in yesterday...and it's been hovering around 70 degrees with 97% humidity. Feels good, but I think it's rendered me totally witless. Also, my front door is stuck, and the dishes in the drying rack are still wet after 24 hours.

Name Marla's Kitten

Marlz and girlfriend have acquired a boy cat from the SPCA. She's asked us to help name him. He's 3 1/2 months old and enjoys chasing and sucking on his own tail. He drinks "occasionally" and smokes "socially." He disdains Apple products.

I found this free comments script. I don't know if it's going to work. Try it out. I'll kickoff with one of my unused Boat Contest suggestions, perfectly adaptable to a kitten: Kayakistan.

removed due to suspicious behavior

12/9/09

time to jingle bell run

Phoning it in again

Sorry, I've been busy at work with this site resize and redesign thingy that no one should care about. Here's a thing I've been saving here on the desktop for you fans of Kenny Rogers, Brokeback Mountain, romance, or poker, which should cover anyone who might stop by here. Thanks, Ben.

PS. New column by Ms. Katy Otto: An Ode to Good Dudes, at Sex Really.

12/8/09

love has no pride and neither does jennymiller.com

Moose, Tipi, Octopus

Sometimes we're just picking through the dollar bin of forwards from grandma. And Edward. He has sent on an amazing find from archaeologist colleagues in Utah.

From: Edward
Subject: FW: Short Story

                Short Story
               
                There once was a moose in Utah that fell in a crack.
                The end

It pains me to see tipi spelled in the manner below, but look at these beautiful pictures. I lived in one briefly, and they really do light up like luminaries when you build a fire inside. So nice.

From: Grandma
Subject: FW: Northern Lights Over Teepees

That's all I can do today. Except check this out: !!Dumbo Octopus!! Hell yes! Video

Real! Real! Real!

12/7/09

give it a ponder

Surrealism Monday

Here are a bunch of vertically-oriented photos.

These are wonderful, and I hope they get around because this stuff is sad and serious. Props to LG, James Liption, and LD for sending my way.

Two more weird things, from Bob

1. The twelfth installment in the occasional series "Shit Makes No Sense: Letters to the Editor of Bob's Hometown Newspaper."

Teams should pick Bible over ball

I'm upset with the local youth sports. They are getting away from what all humans need -- church and hearing the word.

The local youth teams play games on Sunday and practice on Tuesday and Wednesday. It is like they teach sports over God, "like a ball vs. the Bible."

The answer is just keep on praying for the sinner and for the ball to change into a Bible.

Terry Wright

Huntington

2. The Jean-Paul Sartre Cookbook

We have recently been lucky enough to discover several previously lost diaries of French philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre stuck in between the cushions of our office sofa. These diaries reveal a young Sartre obsessed not with the void, but with food. Aparently Sartre, before discovering philosophy, had hoped to write "a cookbook that will put to rest all notions of flavor forever.'' The diaries are excerpted here for your perusal.

October 3

Spoke with Camus today about my cookbook. Though he has never actually eaten, he gave me much encouragement. I rushed home immediately to begin work. How excited I am! I have begun my formula for a Denver omelet.

October 4

Still working on the omelet. There have been stumbling blocks. I keep creating omelets one after another, like soldiers marching into the sea, but each one seems empty, hollow, like stone. I want to create an omelet that expresses the meaninglessness of existence, and instead they taste like cheese. I look at them on the plate, but they do not look back. Tried eating them with the lights off. It did not help. Malraux suggested paprika.

October 6

I have realized that the traditional omelet form (eggs and cheese) is bourgeois. Today I tried making one out of a cigarette, some coffee, and four tiny stones. I fed it to Malraux, who puked. I am encouraged, but my journey is still long.

October 10

I find myself trying ever more radical interpretations of traditional dishes, in an effort to somehow express the void I feel so acutely. Today I tried this recipe:

Tuna Casserole

Ingredients: 1 large casserole dish

Place the casserole dish in a cold oven. Place a chair facing the oven and sit in it forever. Think about how hungry you are. When night falls, do not turn on the light.

While a void is expressed in this recipe, I am struck by its inapplicability to the bourgeois lifestyle. How can the eater recognize that the food denied him is a tuna casserole and not some other dish? I am becoming more and more frustated.

October 25

I have been forced to abandon the project of producing an entire cookbook. Rather, I now seek a single recipe which will, by itself, embody the plight of man in a world ruled by an unfeeling God, as well as providing the eater with at least one ingredient from each of the four basic food groups. To this end, I purchased six hundred pounds of foodstuffs from the corner grocery and locked myself in the kitchen, refusing to admit anyone. After several weeks of work, I produced a recipe calling for two eggs, half a cup of flour, four tons of beef, and a leek. While this is a start, I am afraid I still have much work ahead.

November 26

Today I made a Black Forest cake out of five pounds of cherries and a live beaver, challenging the very definition of the word "cake." I was very pleased. Malraux said he admired it greatly, but could not stay for dessert. Still, I feel that this may be my most profound achievement yet, and have resolved to enter it in the Betty Crocker Bake-Off.

November 30

Today was the day of the Bake-Off. Alas, things did not go as I had hoped. During the judging, the beaver became agitated and bit Betty Crocker on the wrist. The beaver's powerful jaws are capable of felling blue spruce in less than ten minutes and proved, needless to say, more than a match for the tender limbs of America's favorite homemaker. I only got third place. Moreover, I am now the subject of a rather nasty lawsuit.

12/4/09

Do you think we're ready for that kind of commitment?

Savino!

It's too rainy to do anything today except to give props to Senator Savino.

Marisa: has everyone sent you links to our awesome state senator's speech yet?

me: nope

Marisa: (vid)

me: too bad they voted wrong

Marisa: i know
it sucks
so fucking stupid
i wish they'd put it to a referendum

12/3/09

Super Baby

Quickie Ezra Update

In early October our friends' baby Ezra was diagnosed with neuroblastoma. He's now in chemo round 3, and he's looking great. He's gained 4 pounds and grown 2 inches in these two months, but it looks like more. He went from baby to toddler that quick! Jess and I went to hang with the Matthews for a few last night. They gave us homemade chocolate cupcakes and tiny cartons of milk, which makes them better hosts living in a hospital with a baby with cancer than many people are on a normal Wednesday.

He can say "bald."

Just kickin it with some Boggle, Beatles, and Christmas tunes.

Dad doesn't know that one.

One of these two is very photogenic.

12/2/09

Uranus has turned on its power

Good news mostly day

1. "Family" Ties, as Marlz said.
2. Susan Miller's December Forecasts. Better times, Pisces.
3. Rebecca says, "Hot Slut of the Day: today it was Cody, the gas station attendant. you should totally go visit him."
4. Achewood Halloween contest winners
5. bob: yaaaayyyyy! The Obama administration Wednesday approved the first human embryonic stem cells for experiments by federally funded scientists under a new policy designed to dramatically expand government support for one of the most promising but also most contentious fields of biomedical research.

   me: cool

   bob: that bone was thrown strategically after he committed last night to two more years of war and 39k more troops

   me: yeah....... i hope some miracle happens with afghanistan but i cant imagine it will

   bob: nobody's ever managed to not just fuck it up worse.
   it's better than pretending it isn't there, though. i guess.
   fucking cleaning up the bush adminstration's messes for the rest of our goddamn lives.
   it sucks to be generationally condemned to this.

Sister Mandy sent this last week, and since then it's been so all over the place that whenI just sent it to my grandma she chatted back, "Ok cute they showed this on tv." But, you know, now you know where to come back to it when you need it.

I lied, because this is decidedly not happy. From Coach: Sports, sex, and the case of Caster Semenya, The New Yorker.

Nice big storm coming. Hope your Wednesday night is a cozy one. <3 JM

12/1/09

Thongs of Distinction

True Merch

You know when you have a well-meaning friend named Bob who disapproves of your lifestyle and choices and sometimes just your personality, and he especially wants you to hear his opinion about Florida, and your decision to live there, every day for months, and he's also a smug New Yorker, oh sorry, that's redundant, and just when you're about to do something drastic like, be an even bigger bitch during your daily chat session he finally concedes that he was wrong-ish and sort of sorry, and so you semi-celebrate?

Today we toast the end of haranguing with this EXCITING ORIGINAL NEW BUMPER STICKER. Go buy it at HECK'S SOUVENIR STAND. Only $3.59! I don't know why. Buy more stuff while you're over there. Important Hats! Thongs of Distinction! Dignified Drinking Paraphernalia!

Buy It

December, Suckers

Please enjoy four Pro-Florida photos from my lunchbreak.

Tomorrow I'm going to post other kinds of stuff. So try again.

11/30/09

Plot No. 66 Bunghoko

Spooning Manatee

At 4am Sunday I was served notice via text that "Orlando is an abortion. I will be there first thing in the morning." That's why I was waiting for Bova to scrape himself off of O-Town and get his ass to the 'burg instead of driving to Ocala to find "the nation's only free-roaming colony of monkeys" as planned. I set my sights way lower and put the Butter Barge in at the bay down the street. Tampa Bay, that is, where I spent most of two hours drifting aimlessly in the sun and texting. Which is why I was super surprised when two REALLY BIG manatee swam right under my boat.

They kept swimming with me. I felt special. I took a lot of bad pictures.

There were lots of dolphins, too. Ho-hum. My camera's too slow to catch them.

PS. My mom has a new address and I think you'll like it: Plot No. 66 Bunghoko Road, Mbale.

11/30/09

The Original Spankable Cat

Chester, 1994–2009

The best cat of all time left us on Saturday. The well-traveled Chester was laid to rest in the yard of her last home. I'm glad to hear that she was very happy there. If you'd like to revisit the story of Chester, I welcome you to plunder the archive.

Me and Chester eating corn on the cob.

Chester in action.

Chester being fucking cute, scooped up by friend.

Chester sees through you.

Chester a few days ago on Thanksgiving.

I love that cat so much! Rest in peace, little Choo.

11/26/09

Thank you!

Busy being grateful

"I think this is that book you are talking about." The Turkey Day Trot, Explained, from Nina.

From: Brian
Subject: the mouse, the bird and the difficult novel

P.S. catsforgold.com, from Ranger Ted.

11/24/09

"Don't worry, you're only competing against yourself. And mom."

Caterpillar Four Ways

I don't think there's anything wrong with talking about the weather. As insanely hot as the Florida summer was, the fall has been that much beautiful, day after day for weeks it's been just a bit cool nights and mornings, warming up into sunny afternoons, with pink, blue and orange skies at sunset. Come visit. One homie is flying in today. Yay.

Can I interest you in a bunch of random photographs?

11/23/09

We had a off day

High as a Georgia Pine

Regularly scheduled programming later, meanwhile please enjoy this work of art. Grazie, LD.

"In celebration of the greatest athletic achievement by a man on a psychedelic journey, No Mas and artist James Blagden proudly present the animated tale of Dock Ellis' legendary LSD no-hitter...Ellis died last December at 63. A year before, radio producers Donnell Alexander and Neille Ilel, had recorded an interview with Ellis in which the former Pirate right hander gave a moment by moment account of June 12, 1970, the day he no-hit the San Diego Padres."

THE DISTANT PAST

Let's talk about the weather.