11/20/09

Emaho

I can haz nothing to do or undo?

Behold the slow but sure descent into fullblown Woo-Wooism. I made this for you. Maybe it will help.

Awesome

Marla sent this, and I'm sorry you have to watch the commercial first, and I'm sorry about the music and the ADHD assemblage, but it's worth it. Warning: penguins harmed.

11/19/09

Keep it in the house, thereby protecting it from the unfeeling world for the rest of your lives together

Questionnaire

Cornelius Bear's column seems more important than any photographs of smiling animals or ruminations on my own horoscope that I could offer today. Bob, this might be of special interest to your mom.

Achewood: Are You a Hoarder?

11/18/09

Elephant!

Mail Bag

Catching up with what you're sending, topically organized:

Punchlines

From: DC Brian
Subject: arabs

i can't tell if this reference on wikipedia is to something i don't know about or is just casually kind of racist.

Letterpress publishing has recently undergone a revival in the USA, Canada, and the UK, under the general banner of the ‘Small Press Movement’. At the same time, presses were being discarded by commercial print shops, and so became affordable and available to artisans throughout the country. Popular presses are, in particular, Vandercook cylinder proof presses and Chandler & Price platen presses. In the UK there is particular affection for the Halifax, built by Arabs.

This totally kind of happened to me the other night, except the elephant was a horse drawn carriage.

From: SF Marla
Subject: Duck!

this is from harper's. it reads like a bad joke:

A couple in Oklahoma City, driving home from church, narrowly missed hitting an elephant that had escaped from the circus. "At the very last second," related the driver, "I said, 'Elephant!'"

The life and death of print media

From: DC Shauna
Subject: notional raves

this is kind of sadly hilarious.

See also Gay weekly Washington Blade closes, wapo

From: DC Bob
Subject: funny boner

Collecting Headlines Funnier Than This, nyt

Gay stuff

From: SF Marla
Subject: gay zombies

Colbert Destroys R.I. Governor For Denying Gay Couples Death Rights (VIDEO)

From: SF Marla
Subject: how the golden girls turned a generation of american boys gay

omg. this is real.

From: Seattle C. Greene
Subject: or this

Why Black Gays Love The Golden Girls

Yay, DC: D.C. board turns away ballot initiative: Man-woman marriage definition seen as discriminatory, wapo.

Popular Culture

Spoken like a true dad....

From: Columbus Jay
Subject: Holy F*#K

So, I logged on with my tea this morning to be greeted with this review of a new game...Trapped.

Now rapists and abductors can hone their skills at home. What in the f*#k is the world coming to??? Unless law enforcement is cleverly tracking users and consumers of this game, this is really screwed. I'm an advocate of civil liberties, unless it's "playing" abduction video games.

Also, Claire Zulkey interviewed Tim Gunn: 'Project Runway': Tim Gunn carries on (to Season 7), la times.

Finally, Ranger Ted sent this several weeks ago. That's a REAL PYGMY HIPPO eating baby carrots. Jeez.

11/17/09

36 pictures

Keys II

These 36 photos aren't really representative of my time in the Keys. I did a lot of running and cycling, driving and wandering, camping and reading, drinking beer and sleeping. And one day I went snorkeling over a reef in the ocean and a shark swam right under me. That was cool. Anyway, here are a few pics. Next time you should come with me.

I loved this bar. "That's Life," by Mr. Frank Sinatra. I need to remember to turn off that sepia effect.

11/16/09

money shot

Keys I

After work I will tell you about my trip if you like. The other day I paddled right up to this very vain green iguana. He knows he looks good.

11/10/09

for real stories

SNIPER MAGIC GLITZ Part 2: Goodbye, Muhammad

bob: good morning hon
me: hey
bob: how're you, little stinky?
me: meh
bob: they're executing the dc sniper today. blood for blood — doesn't that get you going?
me: yeah!

Let's consult the distant past, in blog years...

1. Heck's Kitchen History, October 9, 2002: We've gotta travel all the way back to Archive 1 for this entry, back when I cared about current events: "Exclusive. Exclusive. Glory-seeking Sniper not getting enough attention. Provides local news outlet Heck's Kitchen with limited edition signed prints of Death Tarot cards. Make great gifts. Proceeds go to Bush's war."

2. Heck's Kitchen History, January 21, 2004: "...Up first: The debut of our new Artifacts section, featuring two selections from Shauna's Washington City Paper Crazy Mailbag: I do not mind being objectified* — Let me make clear that this was an actual resume cover letter. And also, SNIPER MAGIC GLITZ — Why Muhammed and Malvo Acted — one man's theory."

*"I Do Not Mind Being Objectified" was the inspiration for this true dog t-shirt. Dress your pooch in a slogan of truth today.

11/9/09

It could happen to you

Tevas & Socks

There were others more deserving, perhaps, funnier, dirtier, more tortured, but I've decided to name the boat Naval Gazin, which should make sense to readers of this site. Know thyself, write what you know, and certainly take its picture. Thanks to Coach and everyone who played. You're all winners, even you.

Since last week's semi-triumphant, semi-crippling barefoot run, I've done some experimenting and may have come up with the unfashionable winner of the footshod challenge:

Bob tells me there are important things going on in the world, but he's probably wrong.

Until again,

JM

PS. this. If you watch Part 1, you will hear a spectator say, "That's one wet pussy."

11/8/09

not a dolphin

Just a Bird

We took the boats to Honeymoon Island yesterday with the intention of paddling across to Caladesi Island, but it was really windy and the current was strong, and the guys at the kayak shop told us we could get out there in no time "but you'll never get back." It's a five mile trip and we got a late start, and once we were out in the open water my general unease started edging toward panic, and then Liz called me a pussy three or four times but we turned around and paddled in and got grilled cheese from the snack shop.

Liz Brown, everyone. I don't know why this makes me laugh.

Here we are not paddling to Caladesi Island

The famous electromechanical piano

Nathalia had been hunting for one of these for a while. The Fender Rhodes: "The Army Air Corps piano was invented during World War II by Harold Rhodes in an effort to create a piano that injured soliders could play while lying in a hospital bed.... The Rhodes' action is quite different from that of a conventional piano. Whereas in a conventional piano each key causes a hammer to strike a set of three strings, in a Rhodes piano each hammer strikes a single metal tine instead. The result is a unique, fat sound with a bellish attack and good sustain."

Mmm...mechanical

11/6/09

sad song habit

Scattered & Small

Heard a new song first thing this morning on the folk show or whatever, liked it, so here you go:
Amelia Curran — Scattered & Small

From War Brides | Lyrics

11/5/09

Naval Gazin

Sea Turtle Funshine of the Yachtless Brine

Born to Run isn't just about ultrarunning and the Tarahumara, it's also a manifesto against running shoes. If you don't already know the arguments I'll very briefly and with no authority outline them: cushy, corrective running shoes do not reduce impact force, and allow us to strike with our heels, which causes plantar fasciitis, Achillies and lower back problems, and all kinds of injuries not seen among people who run barefoot. Running barefoot strengthens your foot and arch, and puts you back on the balls of your feet, where you belong. Pronating is natural, arch support is bullshit, and the best shoes are the worst. That and anecdotal evidence forever. Even Nike's known almost all along that their shoes are crap, but only admitted it when they found a way to make money off barefoot running with the Nike Free, a relatively thin-soled running slipper.

This all made sense to me, and with the zeal of the newly converted I bounced out of bed at 7:30 this morning, put on my watch and didn't put on my shoes, and got out the door. If this seems foolish to you, understand too that I have rather soft feet, and live in a place where the trees look like this:

As I got going two things became immediately apparent: this was very different, and acorns are my enemy. I got down to the sidewalk that rings the waterfront park and started passing other runners and appreciated, again, that living down here means I never care how ridiculous I might look. As I got to about ten minutes I noticed that my back was definitely straighter. By 15 minutes my calves were screaming, and by 20 my lower back, Achilles, and the pads of my feet were all going What the Fuck? It felt pretty great, all in all. And then I hobbled home with two quarter-sized blisters on my feet and my calves wound tight as guitar strings. If I keep this up they'll be bricks. But right now I'm not walking so good.

From now on I think I'll go with those stupid hippy Vibram Five Fingers, which now don't seem stupid hippy at all, just ugly, or maybe I'll wear my "retro fashion " Onitsuka Tigers, which were designed for running in the 1968 Mexico Games, and have a nice thin sole and neatly solve the problem of the ugly running shoe by being cute.

Name That Boat

Suggestions for dubbing the little yellow boat are as follows:

1. Sex-a-Peel (Underblog)
2. Circus Peanut (Eva O.)
3. B.A.N.A.N.A.S (sister Mandy)

Bob's:

4. CANOEdle
5. The Boatmobile
6. Kayakistan
7. Yellow Thunder
8. PISS CHRIST!!!

Team Miriam & Coach:

9. Sternal Mustard
10. Gay Poupon
11. Yolkswagen
12. Butter Barge
13. Queen Canary
14. Canary in a Shoalbrine
15. Lemon Marine Pie
16. Naval Gazin
17. Chicken Sloop for the Shoal
18. Sea Turtle Funshine of the Yachtless Brine

Bob (last night): OOH -- or how about sinestro. sinestro was the villain who had a yellow super powered ring that could combat green lantern's green super powered ring. and his fucking NAME was SINESTRO

you see, Sinestro is an alien super villain in the DC Comics Universe.

In the beginning Sinestro is the mentor of Hal Jordan (aka Green Lantern). After Hal Jordan exposed Sinestro's cruel ways towards his own people, Sinestro was punished and sent to the antimatter universe. From there he got himself a new ring which is yellow and is the only weakness of the green rings.

Recently Sinestro has gotten himself a group called the Sinestro Corps. This group is known for their yellow rings and plans to dominate earth. Members of the group also include Cyborg Superman and Parallax.

THIS GROUP IS KNOWN FOR THEIR YELLOW RINGS AND PLANS TO DOMINATE EARTH.

Bob (this morning): boy, it's too bad you only have ONE yellow boat to name. you got some GREAT suggestions from me, the boatnamer, last night

me: i think you were high.

bob: i was INDEED high -- very good!
sinestro. you're gonna go w sinestro, right?
it's the natural choice

11/5/09

Blah Blah Boats

In the Conservatory with the Lead Pipe

Last night a frat boy (frat man, actually) and his buddy pulled up with my boat hanging out the back of their Bimmer. Frat man apologized for standing me up the previous four times I'd attempted to buy the boat, and then explained he was selling it along with the rest of his recently deceased uncle's stuff. Yay, boat!

Would you like to help name my boat? Katy Otto has submitted Lysistrata. I've put Team Miriam & Coach on the task, and very preliminary brainstorming resulted in Colonel Mustard. That might be the winner. Feel free to enter.

My ingenious solution for boat storage and security involves this heavy lock chain, a milk crate, and an anvil. Does anyone have an anvil?

People who are alone a lot take many pictures of themselves. That's what Neil taught me. I think it's to remind the world and ourselves that we exist.

Enough about me and boats.

Mail Beg!

From: Marla (San Francisco)
Subject: animalia

two facts from harpers that you must know:

Scientists at the Guangdong Entomological Institute discovered that the female short-nosed fruit-bat routinely provides her partner with oral sex during intercourse, making the bat the only adult animal besides humans to engage in such behavior. "We were also surprised at how often it occurred... It was difficult to provide some hypotheses for the function of the fellatio behavior," said short-nosed-fruit-bat researcher Libiao Zhang. "We held many meetings to discuss the functions."

Swedish scientists learned that when male bedbugs, which are gender-blind, attempt gay bedbug sex, the victims release a pheromone that tells the aggressors to back off.

me: gender blind.  what an interesting idea.

marla: i wish i could release a pheromone in a bar, when a boy is talking to me and i wish it to end.

From: jaimehotdish (Minneapolis)
Subject: 209

hey jennymiller.com,

jk, jm. so i don't know what is up with the phillies wearing that HK patch on their uniforms, but everytime we watch a game jacob excitedly exclaimes "HECK'S KITCHEN! look jaime, heck's kitchen!" as if HK could only mean one thing. also, i requested "born to run" from our library, and i'm currently number 209 of 209 requestees. so hopefully i'll have it read by 2015.

luvs!
jaime

From: Kim Jefferson (NYC)
Subject: I Brought You A Present

Hello Everybody,

Once again is back the incredible with another one of my shameless self-promoting e-mails about some whimsical project that I'm involved with.

This time it is I Brought You A Present - An art project that I have put together where 12 lovely lady artists and myself have decorated a full deck of nude male playing cards, and imagined that instead of gloriously presenting their genitals, they have brought us some sort of riDICKulous gift.

Over the next 53 days, One decorated card from the deck will appear on the website http://www.ibroughtyouapresent.com/

The site was built on tumblr, so if you tumble, it's super easy to follow. It is mostly safe for work, but then, that really depends on where you work.

Please check it out. I guarantee it will make you smile.

I also know that I am terrible at picking up the phone and/or leaving the house, so I would also like to use this opportunity to ask how you are doing. I do care, ya know. I'm not totally self-centered.

-Kim

11/2/09

the infinite interpretability of things

How Beautiful It Is And How Easily It Can Be Broken

Bil Keane's The Family Circus contributed two good things to the world: the Child's Meandering Dotted Line Path Through the Neighborhood, and parodies of The Family Circus. (A combined example is here.) I've often thought it would be cool or useful to have a directory of maps showing our own traversals through the world and time, though now that that's completely possible with GPS tracking systems, it seems a little creepy.

Lately I feel almost hyperactive. I knew I was saving my energy up all those years for something. I had an ambitious idea to make a Billy Map of my yesterday, but it was frustrating my Photoshop capabilities. Respek, Mr. Keane. So, yesterday I rode my bicycle 12 miles, drove the truck to the beach, paddled for an hour, rode my motorcycle 40 miles, came home and couldn't sleep so went and ran a few miles down by the water. Do people become weird by being alone, or does aloneness reveal one's true self, which turns out is weird? I'm wondering as I'm sitting here working in just plaid shorts, and eating a tin of herring on crackers with mustard and red onions, in an apartment that looks more and more like a combination dirty gym/roadside natural history museum.

The weather's here, wish you were beautiful, as Jimmy Buffett reported. Come visit me so I'll have to clean up and put some clothes on.

I did want to mention a couple of the books I'm reading, all good and more on them later: How Beautiful It Is And How Easily It Can Be Broken is a collection of essays by the critic Daniel Mendelsohn. In the introduction, regarding his background in the Classics, he writes, "When you are exposed for a long time to the astringent beauty of the classical languages—the hard and unyielding grammars, the uncompromising demands of syntax and exigencies of meter, none of which admit of either shoddiness or approximation—you can develop a taste for a certain kind of rigor; you may begin to seek it elsewhere." I'm really looking forward to getting into these reviews.

I'm deeper into a second one and it's blowing my mind. Born to Run: A Hidden Tribe, Superathletes, and the Greatest Race the World Has Never Seen, by Christopher McDougall. I'll just paste from the Amazon review: "Isolated by the most savage terrain in North America, the reclusive Tarahumara Indians of Mexico's deadly Copper Canyons are custodians of a lost art. For centuries they have practiced techniques that allow them to run hundreds of miles without rest and chase down anything from a deer to an Olympic marathoner while enjoying every mile of it. Their superhuman talent is matched by uncanny health and serenity, leaving the Tarahumara immune to the diseases and strife that plague modern existence. With the help of Caballo Blanco, a mysterious loner who lives among the tribe, the author was able not only to uncover the secrets of the Tarahumara but also to find his own inner ultra-athlete, as he trained for the challenge of a lifetime: a fifty-mile race through the heart of Tarahumara country pitting the tribe against an odd band of Americans, including a star ultramarathoner, a beautiful young surfer, and a barefoot wonder."

11/1/09

Sunday report

Crafts

Yesterday I bought an Emotion Temptation, which is not a brand of condoms, from the fleet of kayaking eco-guy Kurt Zuelsdorf. I've been googling him a bit and found this in a Q&A: "I'm going to tell you this, and I know it's on a recorder, but...I believe that I have the ability to communicate with animals." So, I'm already a fan.

This boat is actually now my sister's, and I'm getting something different today. But I took it out for a test drive at Fort De Soto on a gorgeous, perfect yesterday. At 10 feet, 44 pounds, the boat is just the right size for solo hoisting in and out of the truck and down to the water.

This is the same short route I did early in the summer with Coach and Chez. It was hotter yesterday.

I am not yet a bird whisperer.

I was so engrossed with getting a picture of this little guy in the mangroves that I didn't notice my boat had drifted 20 feet away.

Today I'm getting my yellow boat, a 12-foot Wilderness Systems Tarpon 120, if you want to know. I'm going to put it right here in the bay down the street. At least that's the plan.

Friday night I joined up with the Critical Mass folks in Tampa for a 2-hour loop around downtown and Ybor. It was leisurely and feel-good, with lots of bell-ringing and people cheering as we rode by. I don't know if that's how these things usually work, but it was nice.

10/30/09

you axed for it

Neil's 56¢

Luckily Neil's guesting today, else you'd have to hear about my failure to fix the goddamn tailgate latch on my stubborn truck in the freakish, blazing heat. Return tomorrow for what I hope are twin tales of transportation success regarding one Critical Mass and one yellow boat.

Oh, and two important Halloween-styled posts from Lindsay and Allison: Things That Should Never Happen: Religious Anti-Halloween Facebook Propaganda, and On Not Bringing Sexy Back. Ok, Neil, go.

From: Neil

OK: and how are you, before I blather?

I'm somehow blindly picking the gamecocks to totally upheave the annoying tennessee volunteers.  and My world series game picks have been two for two.  Phils will win game 5 after splitting 3 and 4, then steal game 7.  annoying (and soon to be arrogant) fans, those philadelphians.

Dated 90s humor about dated 80s humor.  And yet I still laugh.

Congratulations on getting a paddle.  Good luck getting a boat.  Being in florida and going to different places looking for boats with jenny miller, that sounds fun.  Doesn't that sound great...well, for ME? 

Let's all move to Houston

fucking diehard (2 sidebars: Deadspin.com is my favorite sports site in the universe; and 90% of this link is for the music video appended to the post).

my two favorite people in the whole world right now.  I wish they were my cousins or we could get together and have super mario kart sessions or some shit.  I also wish they'd tour in the bible belt next year...can't imagin' why they won't.

that's enough.  to november!   uh...never mind.  

10/29/09

Rejoice, for today is the day Saturn leaves Virgo

Self-propulsion

Last night I went to see a guy about a paddle. "Meet us at the Citrus Park Mall at 8:15," he said. "My wife has one of those...free things for Victoria's Secret." I agreed. "We'll be in the purple Honda Fit."

I recalled other such classified-ads-to-parking-lot transactions in my life. That old Champion Juicer. My current truck. Everyone knows where the Wal-Mart is. Everyone knows the malls. This is how The People do business.

I pulled into the dark lot eight minutes early and located their car. I had just enough time to get out and break the tailgate handle on my truck, which is going to make fitting the kayak in there that much more challenging. Hooray.

I soon located Kevin, the paddle seller, and his wife walking towards me. "Look at what I got!" he said, pulling some fleece from an LL Bean Bag. "Oh, honey, she doesn't care about all your shopping," his wife said, in the sweet manner of a spouse who's spent a long, long time with a very gregarious mate. I asked what she'd bought and she held up her tiny pink Victoria's Secret bag. "Undies!"

They talked and talked about all the great places to kayak in Florida. She said for sure I'll be in the saltwater near home, and out at the beaches, but not to forget all the hotsprings! They love paddling the hotsprings. They named a dozen places, water temperatures, various animals they'd seen. A nest of baby alligators. They're Christian paddlers, I learned, and they do a lot of Christian paddling!

He pulled out the blade in question. It was small, like me. It was made of carbon, like me. "Looks good," I said, and forked over the money. I don't dicker. Dickering's for dicks. "It's computer-designed!" he told me, for the third time. They said they would email me about places to go, and invited me to come out with them.

They were great. Now I have a paddle. Next step, boat.

"Shop Sam's Club for all your crocodile needs: Wal-Mart opens its first Sam's Club in Guangzhou, China, with low, low prices on pumpkin-stuffed croc, a holiday favorite." Photo: Vincent Yu / AP. From Ranger Ted, c/o the SFGate Day in Pictures.

10/27/09

Shiver me twitters. Twitter me timbers.

Breakfast on fire

Fauna Jogging Log:
Today when I was running by the bay I saw two turtles sunning on a boat dock; a dolphin; one long line of hundreds of fish jumping out of the water, heading south; a man catching a lizardfish; several jellyfish; a shorebird I've never seen before, with a strange bill, half-red and half-black; and a homeless man showering.

(While I was looking for lizardfish images, I found this dude's south Florida fishing phlog: Hornet Bear's Haus O' Anglin'. I like it.)

I'm toying with the idea of buying a boat, even as I'm trying to minimize and subtract. A boat would be no kind of subtraction. But I could get out on the water and see things. Have you mariners any advice? I'm thinking a smallish runabout, or maybe just a kayak.

Today's IMs, starring Bob and Shauna

1. Dudes

me: well, i went to yoga which was good, then went to the bar to watch the game, where no fewer than 4 dudes talked to me about my tattoos and tried to buy me drinks.

bob: you didn't sleep w one of the tattoo questioning dudes, did you?

me: um, no. though one did try to persuade me that he was practically a woman.

bob: hahahaha
was he?
i'm sure he was.
'i'm a lesbian!'

me: instead he's going to introduce me to his bookie.
grow your hair out an inch and this is what happens

bob: dudes will hit on any woman who doesn't look like she's going to steal their motorcycle

me: i guess i just crossed that threshold

-#-

2. Shauna makes breakfast

shauna: when i went to toast my bagel this morning, it literally burst into flames. cartoonishly.

me: wow
haha

shauna: i blew it out, like a candle
made a wish

me: what was it?

shauna: i can't tell you!
well, i wished there was another bagel...

me: homer!

shauna: it was a very homer moment. like when everything's going wrong with his experiments and he pours some cereal and it bursts into flame

me: like when he has one wish and he wishes for a donut

shauna: homer is everyman.
whose food has ever caught fire unexpectedly

-#-

Messaging Device Photo Roundup

This is the portion of the show where you use your telephone to take photos, as shown above, and send them to: 202-285-4705. Do it.	NYC: Natural History Museum's famous and beautiful mistake, Apatosaurus/Camarasaurus/Brontosaurus whatever.
Tampa: Kitten found at Jesse's office was almost mine.	NYC, Nathalia: Descent into throng for Beth Ditto.
DC, Coach: "Wtf, Video Americain — I love the 80s???"	Brooklyn, C. Green: He loves you.
Jacksonville, FL: Look for my upcoming book, Terrible Lesbian Bar Art Across America. Comment from Maegan: "It's the mix of hominess and gratuitous sex that lets you know you're in a dyke bar. A boy bar would just have gratuitous sex."	Hm, Liberty never looked so butch, nor Justice so kinky. I don't know where this came from, but suffice you won't find it hanging at your local D bar. Maegan: "The giant ruby slipper over the bar at Phase could be a two page spread."
St. Pete: Sister Mandy, scary.	Indian Shores: Drawbridges are also scary.
Hey Bolen, help me capture that little bit of bar wisdom.	There we go. Good call.

10/25/09

Sunday magazine

Vicki!

The Breakdown: Bringing in the Bands, wapo mag, interview with Vicki Savoula by Holly E. Thomas.

10/23/09

"The Hermit is a card of introspection, analysis and, well, virginity."

The Fool feels a profound need to retreat

Last night I gave myself a Tarot reading, and my first card, the "me, where I'm at" card, was The Hermit. Which seemed to make a lot of sense.

Off to my daily trip to the post office. This shipping of stuff to Uganda is a hell of a thing.

10/22/09

Chicken of the Sea

Every drop in the ocean counts

Guess what swam up to me this morning when I was running on the sea wall? A real hammerhead shark. A bonnethead to be exact. Two interesting facts about the bonnethead: they are the only sexually dimorphic shark, which means the boys and girls look different; and they are pelagic, which means they spend their entire lives, 20+ years, swimming without rest, because they have to be in motion to breathe.

While we're on the marine topic, I keep telling people this and no one believes me: lobsters are immortal. So everytime you eat a lobster roll, you're eating something that might have lived forever, were it not for your lunch.

Lobsters are one of a very few species exhibiting negligible senescence, which means they "can effectively live indefinitely, barring injury, disease, capture, etc." From Wiki, "More specifically, negligibly senescent animals do not have measurable reductions in their reproductive capability with age, or measurable functional decline with age. Death rates in negligibly senescent animals do not increase with age as they do in senescent organisms."

But nothing lives forever that gets hit by a ship: Blue Whale Found Dead Near Ft. Bragg, CA.

10/21/09

DIY

Gun, moll

Lonely? Broke? These crafty pervs have a project for you: Build Your Own Sex Doll, from Bob. Kudos for the thrift and ingenuity, but I can't say I agree that this is the best way: "The best way to learn all the curves and shapes of a woman's body, is to study pictures and watch hot women in movies. "

Our Shauna does her homework for the Atlantic: 50 Years Of Pentagon Studies Support Gay Soldiers.

Book Report

From: S. Bolen
Subject: Pic message book report

Wait for it.....

Now you see it.

(Heavy reading.)

Now you don't.

The book ate the gun! Now you know not to mess with Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell.

The end.

10/20/09

Things That Don't Matter

Modern Costumery

In case you haven't noticed because you naturally don't care, NFL teams have been trotting out some sweet thrownback unis this year. Do an internet search for "retro uniforms" and you'll find pages and pages of football fandudes shouting about how ugly they are, which should tell you how great they are, considering how sports fans dress. What follows is the definitive case for the superiority of all of yesteryear's league costumes, and the wrongness of all arguments in favor of the embarassing getups being worn today. If you're a grown man dressing as a superhero, you should display some sense of irony, and you should have good colors. (SI gallery here) Without further ado:

Jenny Miller's Definitive Argument In Favor of Retro Unis

Comment: Yesterday was clearly better for the Bills in all ways.

Comment: On the other hand, when the Pats were bad, their duds were cooler.

Comment: I am in the minority, but feel that "Pewter" new is worse than "Creamsicle" old.

Comment: Ladanian Tomlinson's retro stats are better, too.

Comment: Mixing up your color scheme confuses us, in a good way.

Comment: Tennesse's retro Oilers outfits are lovely. I'm wearing one right now.

Comment: Well....

The defense rests.

10/19/09

Globe of Death

Pumpkin Pictorial

I was running on the sea wall this morning when I saw a pod of dolphins, and I thought *yawn* again? But then three of them swam right up to me and followed along the wall for a while, spinning around so I could see their bellies. Not bad jogging partners.

My weekend in DC was pretty nice, thanks for asking, especially the part where we went to the Korean spa for endurance relaxation. If you haven't been to one of these places, do your friends a favor and plan your next birthday at the bathhouse. Birthday suits required.

Back here in Florida, the weather was perfect for a hillbilly pumpkin festival. Two highlights were the wildlife rescue folks, who'd brought some owls and raptors, and this family of motorcycle daredevils and their "Globe of Death." Would you like to see some pictures? Ok.

1. Mugging with stuntwoman/traveling daredevil mom.

2. Free Shows Daily

3. This Fearless Flores earned her keep on her tiny Honda in the Globe of Death, too.

4. Tethered owls of various varieties.

5. These are some people I know.

6. Dirty/Disheveled/Disoriented.

7. Doing my impression of my dad.

8. Angie and Sandy wait for the Great Pumpkin.

10/17/09

10/16/09

Too Much Time

Wellbeing Taco

Hello, I have spent the better part of three days with a stinky kitten in my lap, chewing on my sweatshirt. This kitten.

MUSICS: Staff favorite John Vanderslice has a new album, Romanian Names, and he's posted two tracks. I like this one:
Too Much Time | Lyrics

Tonight at Chief Ike's is the first ever She.Rex, "the low-key, queer rock n' roll bar night and dance party you've been waiting for," presumes TNG. Tune-picking by Coach and Maegan, which means it will be fun. Please play Heart.

COMICS/TACOS: Achewood-eyed Bongz in NYC writes, "I believe this is related to the sani-taco."

SPORTING: The Phillies honored Heck's Kitchen last night with uni-patches and came out with the win. Nice work, guys.

10/15/09

Blog Action Day

Oneironaut

It's Blog Action Day '09, topic: Climate Change. So here's my piece of advice for saving the world — stop buying shit. Just put that thing down and head to the exit. Also, be thoughtful and deliberate in everything you do. But mostly, just stop buying all that stupid shit.

10 Solutions for Climate Change, Scientific American. A few more ideas.

Carbon Footprint Calculator, Nature Conservancy. I was ruling until I factored in air travel.

Dream sublime

Speaking of air travel, I don't think I've slept deeply for the past few years, which means my dream-remember time is most of the time, and my lucidity's improved to where I can now consciously choose to fly OR float (new!). I could easily relate eight dreams I've had in the past two nights, but no one wants to hear about how I couldn't find a clean public toilet, so I'll just tell about this one, because I keep having these airplane crash scenarios, and maybe someone else has, too. The airplane dreams aren't about being in a plane that's crashing, what happens is, I'm walking along and suddenly a big jet is about to crash right next to me.

So last night, I was walking through an industrial section of an unfamiliar city, when I looked up to see a Stealth Bomber about to crash right across the street. There's a quiet moment when I get to anticipate the awesome explosion that's about to happen, the chaos, the huge chunks of debris that will blow everywhere. It's very exciting and scary. So, the bomber explodes into the ground, and there's the huge noise and light, and then a giant government robot spider starts chasing me, because it's protecting the area and it's programmed to follow movement. So I'm doing that slowmo sprint thing, and then I remember I can fly, so I start floating up and up over the whole beautiful earth, and it's amazing and I don't feel sad at all. Then my housemate slams the front door on the way out to work, wakes me up, ruins everything. Thanks, Chris!

Maybe our brains need to flex their muscles, give us transcendent experiences unlikely in real life, but that we are capable of, and need to feel. Like a use-it-or-lose-it kind of thing. Like why we get on roller coasters and do drusg and listen to sad, sad songs when we're too young to even know what real sad is. Maybe.

Misc.

Stole this from Definitely Totally, because it's good like it should.

And from Underblog, always on the lookout for obvious HK content.

Thanks for hanging.

10/14/09

That's why we live out here in the bayous!

October 1950

Thanks to whoever scanned this, and hope you don't mind the repost. EC Comics Haunt of Fear #17, from the scary pre-code days.

10/13/09

Home-ish

Mr. Waterman is 28

Happy birthday to D. Waterman, cuz nothing says street cred like brakeless high school math teacher. There he is at Coolidge in my old Coolidge sweater.

Thanks to everyone who entered the Frangy Panny Frog Nursery Contest. Ranger Ted was our winner with a guess of 166 tadpoles. Bob came in second with a guess of 2.

I'm back at the house, working. There've been significant improvements here at Emerson during my 6 months away, most awesomely, a kitten. Take a look.

(This slideshow was accidentally deleted.)

Michelle Rush: Crying and Inspired

Girls Rock! DC video on MSNBC. Spot the friendimals.

10/12/09

Risk

If only I'd listened...

10/08/09

Nature

Frangy Panny Frog Nursery

My sister's psyched about this tadpole colony happening in her frangy panny. Can you guess how many are in the jar? Send your final answer to katspank@gmail.com for a chance to win a thing I find around here and mail to you. Include your mailing address — you may not regret it!

Mail Bag

From: Brian
Subject: me + crazies

so some crazy right-wingers are having a "continental congress"
they're holding a big election this weekend to determine the three
delegates from each state
naturally, i nominated myself
and, as luck/demographics would have it, DC has ONLY three nominees
so i win by default
yay!

Give Me Liberty! Home of We The People projects and information!

see you in illinois, my conservative brethren!

love...
brian

From: me

wait, is this true?  why aren't are you on their crappy website?

From: Brian

hey! they took me off! what gives?

my name is still listed on the "vote for your delegate" page
http://www.cc2009.us/about-cc2009/delegate-voting-info
but yesterday there was a little picture of me and a profile
maybe they found me out
i will have to investigate

that website *is* crappy
it's so confusing and poorly designed
even right-wing web developers think wrong

love...
brian

You are invited to party in Washington, DC

That's next Saturday, October 17th, at the Emerson House. Hope to see you there for my untriumphant return to our nation's capitol.

10/07/09

Now accepting other opinions, for one night only

The stars test my faith, not much like God and Job

Step back while I diversify.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20). Though someone likes you very much and will offer a focused attention that is difficult to resist, this is no time to let one person monopolize you. Diversify. You benefit from collecting many different opinions and influences now.

So far today I haven't spoken with a single solitary person, except for my mom and my sister on the cellphones*, but both connections were so bad that even my loquacious lady-kin failed to monopolize me. I predict this horoscope will manifest this evening in the form of a lunatic** on a street corner ranting about sodomites***. It's just a hunch, but I like my odds.

_________

*I know hating cellphones is like shaking my fist at the newfangled horseless carriages, but, the sound quality is still like that of robot lovers shouting to one another as they're swept over a waterfall, and even their last wistful words are lost because they can't both talk at the same time.

But moving from aesthetic complaints to my own mortality, every person who almost kills me on my motorcycle is yammering away on their damn phone, and then mouthing "sorry" as they roll through a red. Like that woman yesterday who made me use the "c" word. Not cool. Drivers on Cell Phones Are as Bad as Drunks, and actually, you're not really good at either.

Finally, people used to be able to make "plans" and just, you know, show up at a previously determined time and place and do something together. Whole wars were fought. Now it requires 87 text messages to go to a movie.

(Not that you'll catch me without mine.)

**Did you know (quoting a NYT book review here) that "the denser your network of connections, the more ideologically intense and intractable your beliefs are likely to be?" I salute the friendless, who are nobly tractable.

***Kudos to Bob's friend Amber, here taking it.

_________

Look what Shauna did:

10/06/09

Unsolicited PSA

Dos and Dos, from Kentucky Neil (and me)

From: Neil
Subject: Fruits of my boredom

A wretched soul, bruised with adversity,
We bid be quiet when we hear it cry;
But were we burdened with like weight of pain,
As much or more we should ourselves complain.

THE DISTANT PAST