10/05/09

Call me Ishmael.

Someone special

Boy, was I excited when I woke up yesterday! My horoscope predicted BIG things for me. "One of my favorite days for you for fun and love will be October 4," my astrologer, Susan Miller, said, "when Mars in Cancer will send a golden beam to Uranus in Pisces, making for a highly electric and unusual evening out. Whatever you expect won't happen — something better will!"

Wow! But I know you can't just let the stars do all the work for you, so, with the golden beam to Uranus in mind, I packed up and rode my motorcycle to the gay beach. I stretched out in the sand, and waited for something to happen. Something unexpected!

A few fey gentlemen sauntered by in speedos. The lesbian encampment to my right discussed football (the Pats got robbed last week) and their absent friends (a terrible couple, but swell individually). Hm, certainly nothing unusual yet.....

And then, FWOOOOSH! This hammerhead leapt out of the water!

(Luckily I was already aiming my camera out to sea.)

Nothing more of interest happened, so I went and joined my family in Tampa for some exciting One City Ministries business. My sister was flatlining so hard, and my mom was so busy talking, that neither noticed the taunting hammerhead.

Now I was getting frustrated. My astrologer promised a "highly electric and unusual" day. She said I should be on the lookout for "someone special." But all that had happened was this coquettish shark following me around.

Jesse and I drove back to St. Pete. We hadn't been home much all weekend, and she was anxious to do some cleaning and laundry, but I was still feeling hopeful. There were 4 hours left in the day, and "something better" hadn't happened yet!

We rode our bikes around and looked at the harvest moon. We stopped for a beer and papadam. It was a beautiful night! But nothing "special." As we rode home through the dark alleys I felt discouraged. Morose, even. My other astrologer, Holiday Mathis, said "It's not really fair, what's being asked of you, but you learned long ago that life doesn't have to be fair to be wonderful. Anyway, you feel empowered to meet the demands and show your super-human emotional strength." Mayber HER reading was right. But I didn't WANT to show super-human emotional strength! I wanted something electric! Why couldn't something great just happen for me?

I tried to think of positive things in my life. True, I'd beaten my fantasy football opponent today, because she'd left half her roster empty. Was that special? And I'd already made some real progress on the New York Times Sunday crossword puzzle. But, I'd kind of hoped for something more. Maybe, I admitted to myself, I'd even hoped to meet "someone special" to take home with me...

And then my sister saw the hammerhead. It had followed me! Luckily I had my speargun handy.

A pretty good catch, right?

The end.

Hammy and me

10/02/09

Mars will send a lovely vibration to Uranus

It was Saturn in Virgo all along...

Have your last two years been, uh, challenging? It's simple, you see: turns out Saturn's been in Virgo since September 2007, and for some of us that's meant mandatory enrollment in 24 months of advanced courses in pain and torment. It finally departs on October 29th, not to return until 2036, when we'll be too wise or dead to be affected. I will be hosting some sort of send off party at my home at the end of the month. Come! Meantime, I've made a handy little image map for you...go on, click it. It's safe for Christians!

On the flipside, what doesn't kill us probably killed the little old lady next door, so consider yourself lucky, and get out there and be awesome again. But awesomer. Be like Dave! He built this bike, frame and all.

Reading Rainbow

1. ) I'm liking DC Allison's new hobby, Lindsay and Allison take on [Your Mom's Name Here]. From Status-tician:

I nearly cut myself after reading my Facebook news feed Sunday night. One status message after the other read “I love my besties" "Omg best weekend EVER" "Holy crap I love my life so much I might explode." What the hell are these people doing that makes them have any more fun than the average 20-something professional? Are they sky diving while on ecstasy? Did they have some spiritual awakening while farming organic tomatoes in Portland, Oregon? Did they get 'napped by a cult that will only allow its followers to use the words "love" and "friendship"? Why the need to portray a continual state of unsurpassable fun?

2. ) Kittenpants at Repress Yourself, I Can't Believe This Is My Job

Uh, we need you to create copy for a sticker that goes on a sandwich. It’s like a 3 inch sticker that tells the customer that you can heat this up in the microwave and that it’s fresh and fast and delicious.

So something like, “Heat and eat! Fast and fresh.”?

Well, we need to specifically say “in the microwave” to make sure they know they need to microwave it to heat it.

3. ) Zulkey at Onion AV Club, Rocking/working out. Also, if you skipped last week's assignment, Zulkey at Zulkey: Read My Face.

Happy weekend, everyone. Stay outta too much troubles.

Thanks, Andy Hooser! West Virginia.

10/01/09

Dinosaur Penis

The Scrutable Masses

For the month of September we had the usual "fucking mom in the kitchen" searches, a lot of new hits for Armorgroup photos, and a curious new preponderance of the word "fluffy." This sampling of searches that led to Heck's Kitchen omits the most pornographic, but includes the anachronistic "topless co-eds." Really? I'd also like to thank the stranger who brought to my attention the existence of www.truckersucker.com. Guys have everything, don't they?

What are the people looking for?

dwarf miniature horse
the history of romance
supermax prison cell
avril lavigne's boobs
wrestling party
fluffy muff
gay rodeo
faster motorcycle
diane arbus
redskins gay
i can has cheeseburger cat
linda ronstadt olivia newton-john
godless tattoo
www.truckersucker.com
striped western style stirrup pants
arnold schwarzenegger ass
hilary swank oscar dress 2005
jenny miller photos before and after
topless co-eds
short story with colored pictures
hot women soccer players
dinosaur penis
bob and jenny miller
congressman who got drunk on 9-21-09 and stripped
tall girlfriend
picture of a big fluffy pillow
fluffy asshole
hippo baby
ways to where short fluffy skirts
right-wing conspiracy
naked crackheads
fluff muff old enuff
fat ugly redskin fans
nude pictures of jessica cutler
moral short stories with a picture
guys with fluffy hairy bums

* * *

Hits of the Ukelele

No post would be complete without some ukelele. My old buddy Jay (Columbus) played me a little uke lick on my mobile unit and it was my ringtone forever until a couple weeks ago when I got my fly new phone. Anyway, from the mail beg...

From: luddite
Subject: uke links

Hey,

I thought I'd throw some ear candy your way. Here are a few links to my favorite uke folks...

Bosko and Honey are my vote for cutest ukulele couple ever (no offense to James Hill and Anne Davison — see below) BOSKO & HONEY'S fingerpickin' love-in

They have an almost infinite number of ukulele videos from around the world. I'm sure they get sick, have upset tummies, etc. just like the rest of us, but they seem to be above all of that. Yay Bosko and Honey!

James Hill, Ode To A Frozen Boot . Wow. He is amazing. I'll let your readers decide for themselves. Really amazing. A definite CD purchase for the winter. His website is James Hill | Ukulele... seriously.

Last, but not least... The Sweet Hollywaiians playing a 12th Street Rag , a uke favorite. Hang in there if you're not already a uke lover and check out the blistering speed played without a drop of sweat.

All played with love and irony for you.

9/30/09

Rearranging the deck chairs

Screw you, backwards planet

This Mercury retrograde's been a bitch, hasn't it? It's finally over, as of yesterday, but it's not REALLY over for another week or two while the red menace gets back up to speed, say the Experts of the Stars. Hard science, science of the hardest kind. If you want evidence, I've got it (anecdotal) in spades. Hang onto your wives and dogs, if you've still got 'em. Read some deep space astrology? Why not.

I've got nothing to say today. Can anyone write me a little RSS? Recommend a haberdasher? Mop up this oil spill in the garage? It's killing the seals. Thanks.

Well, I'm off to an important wine tasting, where my judgment is needed, and then a viewing of Glee, same thing. My opinion is in demand, in very, very high demand. Since you're my special guest, I'll give you an advance, special free screening of my opinion: I probably don't really like this wine, and I'm certain Glee would be better if it DIDN'T get mired in "conflict" and DID stick to "numbers."

Later I am making Potato Beet Surprise for dinner. It'll be pretty good, mostly because of the BBQ sauce.

Thanks for stopping by. I'd give you a refund but this shit is free.

Love,
JMTOWN

PS. Come back tomorrow for our puzzling, recurring feature: WHAT DO THE PEOPLE WANT?

9/29/09

The Chairman's day off for shuffling, sighing

Coach Guest Blogs Small Press Expo

From: Coach
Subject: spx recommends

hey small press expo was this weekend and i think you should totally get into jon porcellino, if not already—he's got some new anthologies, making now the time to BUY. Map of My Heart & King Kat Classix looked so good but too expensive after i'd already loaded up on:

• important comics by this b'more lady
• monster men bureiko lullaby by takashi nemoto. i'm usually too western for this manga stuff but this one has the right proportion of weirdo plot + totally grotesque rendering of genitals. plus! it is lettered by super awesome jon vermilyea. he was also on hand, and i bought a creepy kool aid print from him. 
• i bought flywheel #2 and #3 from cutie queermo liz baillie
• the winter and summer issues of Mome quarterly—a good grab bag of stuff i'd never find on my own.
• a couple period pieces (zing! splat!) from jen vaugn . i feel like i will give these to my daughters one day, and they will be horrified.

that's it—there wasn't a lot of new stuff from ladies i like—no new julia wertz  or lauren weinstein  or lisa hanawalt  or vanessa davis. also couldn't find the latest issue of mineshaft l for some raisin.

i had the pukes this weekend, so i really just zipped in an out of the expo on sunday. plus it was hippie megan's (the one with the crazy full body botanical illustrations that would always be naked in the resluts locker room?) 30th birthday, and there was backyard wrasslin to partake of. okay i did not partake because no one besides maybe bob likes roman showers. but surprisingly, shelly upset tooley in a cage-free match which involved liberating shelly's bazoom's from their brassier manacles. some children, but no animals, were scarred during these proceedings.

we miss you,

laura

Bonus adorable photo of Coach, Shelly's bazooms, (and Shauna and Shauna's mom)

Thanks, Coach!

PS: Dave Roth's got a cool and lengthy interview with estimable sportswriter Joe Posnanski: The Sportswriting Machine at Gelf Magazine. Check it out if anyone besides me is into that kind of thing (dad).

"Dig the license plate at my former employer." - Underblog

9/28/09

A true friend always

Your posting was beautiful in words and stimulating to read

Stop the Presses: Shauna makes The Atlantic's front page: D.C. Gay Marriage Supporters Tussle

I feel a little dead man walking lately. What would you have for your last meal? I think I'll have Thai carryout. Wondering what John Wayne Gacy requested? "A dozen deep-fried shrimps, a bucket of original recipe chicken from KFC, French fries, and a pound of strawberries."

By the way, are you often confused about what your significant other is really saying? Read My Face, at Zulkey.

Mail Bag

From: S. Bolen
Subject: FW: Lesbian Lawyer Seeks Lesbian Doctor Wish you the best

dude. best response to my craigslist world domination post yet.

Lesbian Lawyer Seeks Lesbian Doctor for World Domination - 29 (Riverside, Jax)

You protect me from sickness.
I'll protect you from liability.
You give me breast exams.
I'll do your taxes.

Together we can take over the world.

From: walk477@xxx
Date: Sat, 26 Sep 2009 12:54:09 -0400
Subject: Lesbian Lawyer Seeks Lesbian Doctor Wish you the best
To: pers-wn8pu-1359154882@craigslist.org

I wanted to say that your posting was hot and very sexy, I wanted to let you know that I would like very much and proud to say you a my friend. I am Edward A black male 6 feet at a weigh of 235, .My job is law enforcement I hope that will not keep you from corresponding and knowing me. I only ask that you please consider my request. (SMILE). Please do reply soon, I do feel that you are women that if a female open up to you would be a treasure as a partner. Myself I am in Jacksonville Florida. My age is 47. I have had few bi female friends and miss the open and very stimulating conversations we had. I am looking for a friendship that I can treasure, Please do not think ill for me writing but your posting was beautiful in words and stimulating to read. I think feel that the sight of two women making love to the beautiful and sensual sight on earth. I want a bi or lesbian female can talk with about anything and she can do the same with me. Have you ever done any role playing. I will promise you that if we agree to get to know me I would be a true friend always. If you do not reply I can respect that.

Edward

* * *

Scientific Method

From: Dan Weisburg
Subject: Video Launch

Captains Log:

Bitter disappointment as we had a failure to launch today.  According to my calculations I will need to double the number of balloons I had in order to lift the 6.7oz video module.  No one got hurt – and I am grateful for that.  I will need to wait for my genius grant money to come in before my next attempt.

I released the balloons into the wild...and just barely avoided bringing down a 747.  I knew embarking on this journey would be fraught with danger.

I hope to elevate my Flip video in downtown Tampa next week – hopefully getting video of people working on the 18th floor of their high-rise – before getting shot by Homeland Security.  I think just typing Homeland Security triggers something so I will not be doing it next week in Tampa if you catch my meaning.

uh ohhh!

9/25/09

vainly I had sought to borrow / From my books surcease of sorrow

The Raven

Having finally left my stale marriage of convenience to the classless Redskins, I'm ready to throw myself at the Ravens: Baltimore Ravens linebacker Brendon Ayanbadejo is emerging as a supporter of same-sex marriage. Finally! From the Blade....

Ayanbadejo attended an event sponsored by Equality Maryland last week to celebrate the relocation of its headquarters from Silver Spring to Baltimore. The appearance came after he opined in the Huffington Post that "we will look back in 10, 20, 30 years and be amazed that gays and lesbians did not have the same rights as everyone else."

"If Britney Spears can party it up in Vegas with one of her boys and go get married on a whim and annul her marriage the next day, why can't a loving same-sex couple tie the knot?" he wrote in the piece.

"How could our society grant more rights to a heterosexual one-night-stand wedding in Vegas than a gay couple that has been together for three, five, 10 years of true love? The divorce rate in America is currently 50 percent. I am willing to bet that same-sex marriages have a higher success rate than heterosexual marriages."

Book Report

I just finished a very enjoyable novel, A Gate at the Stairs, by Lorrie Moore. (It's great to get advance proofs free from your bookstore-working sister.) Here's Jonathan Lethem writing about it a the NYT Book Review: Eyes Wide Open. There's also a superlong review of it in Harper's, but it seems like that dude's beef is he doesn't like "comic self-consciousness" or "wordplay/punning" so, whatever. Recommended!

(More) Chats with Bob

On Taste, in the Ohio River Valley

bob: :) Amusement park removes dead celebrity display

me: woah!!
kings island
you know, the mcnair one is probably the most tasteless
i mean, his mistress shot him in a motel room. he has kids. etc

bob: it's pretty tasteless, yeah
i recall

i just think it's surprising that someone had the thought in the first place, it wasn't tongue in cheek and it was executed to completion and put on display. that's amazing. who's running this shitshow?

Postsript (Huntington, WV) — Bob's People: Jamie Oliver: 'World's Fattest Town Is Hair-Raising'

9/24/09

Talking about the weather

Parallel 27 N

It's getting nice here, but only very early and very late. The days are dripping melty hot. At night the streets are still and quiet and spooky, or breezy, quiet and spooky, and the occasional streetlight throws shadows of tropical dinosaur jungle plants against the brick roads and garage walls. What with the weirdo foliage and the fauna made up of lizards and crazy birds, you half expect to see a T-Rex coming round the bend.

The other day we were walking through the neighborhood and came upon a a tall, white egret, who was just strolling the sidewalks, too. (Weird!) It looked around, did a little neck shimmy, and then plucked a lizard out of someone's tree. Yay! I think the kitties here eat lizards, too, and that's why even the strays look healthy plump.

I know I sound like a bored old ladyman, but the weather, plants, and animals are pretty much what's happening here. Come visit me! Dammit. I'm going to buy a futon right now.

The beginning of the end for the Raggedy candles Annie gave me:

Mail Beg

From: Brian
Subject: god hates fraggles

i have been reading all the funny protest signs online
(via the blog formerly known as heck's kitchen)
they are awesome

i briefly visited the giant seething mass of inchoate grievance
known as "values voters" on the mall a couple weeks back
and it made me want to argue and rage
but i didn't, because it would have been pointless
now i am inspired to make a funny sign for the next one

its hard to type this
because an overweight cat is sitting in my lap

XO

love...
brian

From: Rebongaz
Subject: Finally a wine that understands my needs.

Xo, bongs

From: Madge/Coach
Subject: Aw, look at how a kitty who grabbed a bee got punished!!

9/22/09

Part 2: No Work Done Today

All the Bob that's fit to print

Politics and Aging, by Bob

bob: senator byrd's had a fall and been taken to the hospital.

me: it was bound to happen

bob: 'the senator had a fall and broke his hip...' as much as i love the man, perhaps there should be some kind of age limit for legislators

me: once the hip's broke it's all over

Growing Pains and Branding, by Bob

bob: more big fun from kirk cameron: Kirk Cameron's 'Origin Of Species' Plan: Ex-Actor To Distribute 50,000 Altered Darwin Books, HuffPo.

perhaps it's the sad, gray format that makes your readers feel sad, gray. member when someone called your site a ... well, someone said something about it being a visual wonderland or some such business. cheer it up! beginnings are artificial!

the sun'll come out, tomorrow!

or it could be that you've given up your well-established brand

Southern Man, by Bob

bob: this is a pretty fun site: God Hates Protesters

me: haha nice

bob: and THIS is magic, from that page: Red State Update Meets Westboro Baptist Church

not every redneck in the south is a complete dickhead

Kittenpants/Darci comes to understand a thing: I Get it, Pigs, at Repress Yourself.

9/22/09

Free garage camping for toddlers and dogs

Wish You Were Here

I've decided to give Florida another 6 months. I understand it's a fine place "to winter." Book your reservations now. Complimentary beverages and clean, mismatched linens included.

Map details proximity to Waffle House, ABC Liquor. The gay beach is under Crabby Bills, naturally.

So, I've lost about two-thirds of my former readership. I get more feedback talking to stray cats. Please send your suggestions and content c/o The Lonesome Blogger, katspank@gmail.com. (If I were a smart blogger I'd be doing this, or this.)

Tune in this afternoon for bonus programming TBD.

9/21/09

Gettin' Some

Green Florida

Green Florida is a nifty little org founded by local superstar Andrea Hildebran. Here she is (far left) leading a charge of recruits in installing a sustainable, edible yard/garden yesterday, in memory of Paris Whitehead-Hamilton, an 8-year old shot to death in the neighborhood earlier in the summer.

We'd been working for a while when a girl put on some tunes, which to everyone's embarassment were a series of increasingly obscene songs. I guess no one wanted to say anything, especially the white people, but finally during a track that kept repeating "I was gettin some head, gettin gettin some head," Paris's aunt walked through and said "What are you all listenin to?" and then everyone giggled and someone changed the music, but unfortunately, changed it to smooth jazz.

More God's Work

If I lived in Brooklyn, I would've spent Sunday tagging along with Annie + Michael and friends, doing this: ice cream cookie sandwich tour '09. A very worthy review.

From Bob: Funniest Protest Signs Of '09, HuffPo.

9/18/09

Doctor's Orders

Hands hardly moving at all

Brandi Carlile unmiked in Portland, with some enthusiastic drunks thrown in for atmosphere.

Brandi Carlile - What Can I Say

Thanks to CG for keeping me in sad songs.

Medical Update

Went to the nerve doctor today for a painful carpal tunnel test (you know it's painful because there is YouTube propoganda claiming it's not). The doctor assured me it wouldn't hurt as much as my tattoos had, which wasn't very comforting. But he was good at making chitchat (he told me he has a daughter who lives in Dupont Circle with her law degree from American and her food blog La Dolce Bacon, if anyone knows her). He told me quite a few things in the short time it took to prick me with needles and electrocute me, but the main thing he told me was that I don't have carpal tunnel syndrome. He advised me to do my stretches and "think happy thoughts."

Hygiene Update

I haven't washed my hair for three weeks, because I've been under the impression that it kept looking better. This stretch included a few beach outings, a trip to Seattle, and the general grossness of living and working in a hot swamp. The experiment ends today.

9/17/09

It won't slow you down

At the Thai place

My sister and I were eating out on the sidewalk patio of the Thai place, talking our way through a papaya salad, mostly about the time she was at a music festival or carnival or something and for the hell of it dropped into the tent of an indifferent psychic and got her mind blown. Around the part where Jesse and skeptical sidekick Sharron were becoming amazed believers, a man and woman were seated at the table next to us. They commenced to drink.

At first I couldn't tell what they were to each other. She was roundish and Hawaiian or Filipina or some sort of Pacific Islander, and he was your basic redneck. Soon she turned to us and said, "Excuse me, I'm not going to bother you through your whole meal, Or maybe I am! But what is that you're eating?" Soon they were bothering us through our whole meal.

But it was ok. They weren't just happy but jolly. Their jolliness was inseparable from their drunkenness, which, if not acute, was certainly chronic. They were married. They were raising a son they were obviously proud of, despite or because of the fact that he disdained physical labor of any kind. Soon the wife was telling Jesse all about menopause, and I was getting an earful about how a boy isn't going to tell his mother everything. Some stuff, sex stuff, was reserved "for dad."

Noticing my tattoos he showed me his, "The only one I've ever got, so far." Wife interjected that he's fifty-something and has never even gotten that one covered up. He tells me, one time, he was just trashed, he and his buddies, and he was focusing his game on some girl, and one buddy goes, he'd been in prison, "Hey hold out your arm." So he did, and he was just talking away to this girl, and failed to notice that his friend was tattooing the word "COORS" on his arm. "Next morning I'm like, man, is my arm sore! Looked down, said What the...? Boy was I mad. I don't even like Coors!"

"So I took a pen and needle and I drew this line around it, to make it look like something, at least."

9/16/09

Caution Caution Caution

No User Serviceable Parts Inside

I had all this stuff about Bob hanging out with the [Generic West Virginia Motorcycle Gang], but when he told me I couldn't even use the nekkid photo of the biker chicks in the clubhouse, it seemed kind of ruined. Then I was going to tell you about how I received a jury summons in the mail from the District of Columbia, requesting I return from Florida to serve on case that will last for 8 weeks. Is there any reason, they ask, why I should be excused? Um, I live in Florida? Can DC extradite you from another state for jury duty? Well, I guess I did just tell you about that.

Seattle

Redskins vs. Indians vs. Whitey

From: Rebonga

here's a bit of sports news i'm sure you already know.

American Indians look to high court, espn.

duuuude, sports fans are so fucking retarded. it's either "their logo conveys strength!" (noble savages) or "free speech!" (uh, seriously? slandering a nearly decimated people from whose genocide you benefited mightily - and without which you wouldn't be eating fucking nachos in front of a football game - is what you want to make a big show of your democratic rights about?)

and the response to both of those criticisms is "man, it's just a name, just a game! don't take it so seriously!"

rename them the fuck-your-mothers and we'll see how seriously people take names and games.

i know which team i'm rooting for in this game!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

... xoxoR

9/14/09

Crabby Monday Joke

"If you can't fix it, you have to stand it."

I've been reading a lot of Annie Proulx. And I haven't updated because I went out to the PNW for a long weekend. Here's a little guy I found in the bay.

I'll get back to regular-ish after tomorrow.

9/9/09

JOINT SESSIONS

With Scott and Ana

Last night I got to hang out with Scott (Deffototes!) and Ana (Ana!). They were in Key West for a wedding, then drove up to Tampa to see me (or Ana's sister, whatever). Since Scott's been a neglectful blogger, I'll do what he would do and post photos of them eating Mema's Alaskan Tacos.

They're the cutest. Scott has an amazing story about Ana Marie Cox (Wonkette) that he's too gentlemanly to post. You'll have to ask him in person.

Afterwards we toddled over to New World Brewery, which was showing the President's address to Congress. I was happy to receive texts throughout it from various friendimals. Made me feel all DC-ish.

Breaches

bob: in case you didn't see it, some cocksucking republican from SC actually screamed out 'you lie!,' during a joint session of congress which the president was addressing. a first!

me: oh my god, a senator or congressman? i did NOT see that part

bob: congressman

me: hahahaha

bob: it was amazing

me: what did people do?

bob: apparently, rahm right after was like, 'who the fuck did it? yous guys gonna tell me who da fuck it was or do i have to bust some fuckin heads?'

snapped a nasty, parental glance in that direction and went on

me: rahm?

bob: emanuel, chief of staff for obama

me: did that really happen?

bob: yes: In Lawmaker's Outburst, a Rare Breach of Protocol , nyt.

oh! does this mean you have pictures of hotttt ana to post on the internet today?!
i hope she wore something revealing for you!

me: i have one of her eating a taco. stay tuned!

LES EATS

Speaking of food, I almost forgot! Les, who knows some things about eating and cooking, has "finally decided to put up a food bl00g." LES EATS!

9/8/09

BETTER THAN A PUNCH IN THE MOUTH

Little sister turns thirty-something

For my sister's birthday, we went to the beach in St. Pete. Folks stayed at The Dolphin, which is pretty at sunset, and is right next door to the Beau Monde, where my family lived circa 1992. (I, meanwhile, was tripping through my first year at Ohio State.)

Present at the end of the second day were Sharron, Nat, and the birthday kid.

There were plenty of people there past sunset last night, hanging onto the long weekend.

Boorish

bob: i got myself punched in the mouth on sunday evening.
:)

me: you did? for real?

bob: for real.
i was in the bathroom at this slice place, and when i emerged, there was some dude openly harassing the two women i was with. i walked up and rattled off a string of obscenities and he blasted me in the mouth -- and RAN.
i laughed it off because it was genuinely funny

me: haha.
did it hurt a lot?

bob: it hurt like getting punched in the mouth
when drunk

me: you would know that feeling better than i

bob: yesterday it was kind of achy. it's just awkward, this kind of injury: brushing your teeth around it, talking w/out drooling

me: can i post this?

bob: it's kind of boring, don't you think?
representative that i've been going through something

me: i dont think its boring to get punched in the mouth while defending a lady's honour

bob: while drunk? then laughing and laughing and laughing about it, like a hysterical maniac
boorish, if not boring

me: well....

Fences

I finally got around to listening to something new. Maybe you'll like him, too. Listen at the myface or the FB.

9/5/09

SAD INDIAN

Stuff no one cares about

Saw this headline in the Post today: Middle School Girls Know What the First Day of School Is All About: The Outfit, and what I wouldn't give for a photo of what I wore on MY first day of Middle School. How I shopped and fretted and came up with this ensemble from the Limited/Express: cream-colored stretch stirrup pants, black and white checked Vans, red socks, red and black striped button-down shirt, and on top, a cream-colored baggy knit v-neck sweater, worn backwards. In Ohio in August.

But all I really wanted to say today is, the Washington Redskins are the least-likeable franchise in football. Owner Dan Snyder, suing little old ladies, prisoners, and crazies when they can no longer pay for their season tickets? Assholes. Once Again, Redskins' Public Trust in Jeopardy, Boswell, wapo.

Despite a "waiting list" they claim is 160,000 long, the Redskins sue some of their own fans for the money and, at times, even resell the tickets. To whom would they do such a thing? A 72-year-old grandmother who has loved the team all her life has lost a $66,364 judgment to the team even as she says she's close to bankruptcy. That might take the cake for meanness. But for stupid moves, my choice was the Redskins suing an unemployed paranoid schizophrenic. Now that's crazy. Another fellow, sent to jail, told the Redskins and Nats he'd like to cancel those season tickets of his. The Nats sent him free tickets. The Redskins, of course, sued him.

The only team worth rooting for is my fantasy team, Spiderpig Sandwich.

9/3/09

BEST FRIENDS

Miscellaneous animals and drunks

If you're in need of cheer, please read Brian's "Okudawa: A Tale of Revenge" at Bears Will Attack, the best blog not in existence.

And now to the mail bag:

From: Rebongaz
Subject: animal news beat

I'm happy to see heck's kitchen up and running again. Here's a totally amazing lil animal I'd never heard of before: Axolotl verges on wild extinction, BBC.

* * *

From: Bob
Subject: as you are back in the lifted content business...

hee. drunk as balls dojo, Best of Craigslist.

* * *

My sister sent a picture of an octopus with no explanation or comment.

* * *

Zulkey wrote a real old-fashioned book with pages and everything

Hooray for the dream!

Photo lifted from FB

* * *

Potatoes sacked

Little Potatoes has been asleep all night and day. She slept through the pilot of Glee, slept through the night when she would normally be ruckusing, wobbled up at noon to eat, and has been sleeping ever since, even while Chez built a shipping crate in the living room. Cats are obviously lazy socialists who don't mind spending YOUR HARD EARNED MONEY on optional, purely cosmetic, second hysterectomies. Death Panels.

Potatoes dreams of floating heads

9/3/09

LEVEL OF DISCOURSE

Rapey

I get the dittoheads who will only take their news from hate radio and email forwards, because there are times when even my dear Colbert Report isn't contemptuous enough, and nothing less than the literary register of sailor-speak at Wonkette will do. Contractors Guarding U.S. Embassy In Kabul Love To Drink Vodka Out Of Each Others' Anuses. Read the post so you'll know if you, too, derive some prosaic satisfaction from Wonkette's take:

"The Blackwater news was, what, two years ago now, and we’re still inexplicably allowing these creepy private security companies to not only take the helm “guarding” major war zones, but to do so without *any* military supervision or need to adhere to basic laws or standards of conduct? Well THANK GOD this is the case, because the private sector works better, always, everywhere, and creates incentives for profit-minded companies to compete in the booming 'who can act most retardedly and embarrassingly and illegally in a war zone' market......

"Gawker has many more vulgar photos of these fat ugly retarded rapey naked gun-stealing vigilante poop-ivore zombie demon fucks whom your government pays $180 million to guard its embassy in Afghanistan, where the U.S. seeks to win the hearts and minds of a population by showing off inspirational examples of the sort of personal self-enlightenment that can only blossom in Western-style capitalist democracies, etc."

ArmorGroup North America cocktail party

In other annoying news, that blowhard Curt Schilling is running for Ted Kennedy's vacant seat.

Ok, sorry to be all hatey. Potatoes, unlucky recipient of two hysterectomies, spent the evening falling down drunk, and is now in the bathroom swearing never again.

9/2/09

The Story of Potatoes, Part I

Last night we nabbed Potatoes, stuffed her in the cat carrier, and brought her home for a night of caterwauling before I got to rise at the crack to take her to the low-cost spay/neuter clinic. A couple hours ago I got a call from the vet, reporting that Potatoes had already been spayed. So, either I'm messing with someone's pet, or someone once fixed her and put her back out. I don't know. Either way, Potatoes gets cut open twice, and I still have to pay for it.

To be continued.

Potatoes in repose

The Story of How I Went to the Dentist Today

Florida Dentist: Although it is one million degrees out, I'm wearing jeans and a flannel shirt against the air conditioning, and still I'm freezing. I'm led to what was formerly a bedroom, and the first thing I notice is the view from the chair: sliding glass doors look out onto what was once a patio, now covered with dirt and plants, and populated with birds, squirrels, and rabbits. Several rabbits, in fact, which are prominently featured right here in the dentist's brochure. Then I have 18 x-rays taken of my mouth, each of which instantly pops right up on the digital screen hovering above me. Wow, the roots are long! And there are my wisdom teeth! The screen is also a television (with Picture-in-Picture) and before my cleaning begins the hygenist asks me what channel I like to watch, and since I'm too self-conscious to say "anything but news" or "ESPN," I am treated to my first ever viewing of The View. Gosh, that show needs no parody, huh? After my cleaning I remark upon the extreme whiteness of both the dentist's and hygenist's teeth, and they tell me that mine could be white, too, for $295. I must say, I kind of love the people here. They are nice and chill and they have very white teeth.

PS. The other day I passed this lady on the bridge.

9/1/09

In Heat

Today's the mayoral primary here in St. Petersburg, Florida. The alleged newspaper of repute has endorsed Bill Foster, a man who dislikes the gays, and thinks schools should "teach" "intelligent design." Now, it's one thing to reject a people. Working to deny one group rights extended to another group is a sometimes-unpopular but basic tenet of politics. All of us think society would be better off if we could only rid ourselves of (panhandlers, Creationists, sex offenders, teabaggers, teenagers, Mike Huckabee) some group of people. That's just bigotry, common sense, and the imperfect nature of humankind. Compassion fails us when we're faced with a person whose values appear to undermine what we believe REALLY MATTERS (litterers, for example, simply cannot exist in any just, prosperous and peaceful world of mine).

We interrupt this rant for Potatoes, the latest alley cat I've nabbed.

However, it's another thing to reject science. If you want to teach kids that the flat earth was made in a week and dinosaurs and man walked hand in hand and some big flood did something or other and your retort to any scientific claim is "But how do they KNOW that?" well, then you're not just a normal bad person. You're dumb. And while it's not a crime to be dumb, we oughtn't reward it by electing it to govern us. Science grows by emprical evidence and testable theories. Religion, relying on faith and whatnot, can answer any question in the universe by saying "Because of God." These are mutually exclusive (or totally compatible, if you want to be separate-but-equal about it) ways of engaging the world, and they can't belly up to the same bar. You can't send kids to school to learn to think analytically and critcally and in the next breath teach them not to. If you want to teach your kids Jesus then send them to church, and if you want to teach them spells send them to the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, but if you have any hope for wresting control of the asylum America from the inmates, then we'd better teach science at school.

But back to the heat

Listen, Yankees. This heat is not like anything you know. Were you to take a look at our forecast on any given day, you'd see a high of around 91 with some percentage of a chance of rain. That is not the story. We bake daily under a bigger, hotter sun than you people in North American have. The humidity steams us around the clock. Floridians are a well-cooked people. This might explain some things.

This land is also rich in sidewalk snakes.

8/31/09

We pulled it off

The event was packed and we made some money and nothing terrible happened. Dan Weisburg was our official photographer. Don't you want to see the pictures?

Kuumba Dancers pull Alfred E. Neuman out of the crowd.

Nathalia Estrada is a darn fine drummer, and cute to boot.

Mom looking good, with the indispensible Brenda Scarborough at left.

Caesare rocked out the food and as usual, it was delicious.

Bro-in-law AJ Hurley put together the tearjerker film, and documented.

Mandy leads the procession of child models. Hee.

We were very tired.

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