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This Space for Rent Archive IV: Summer 2003. Numbers.

08.29.03 Today I made the critical error of assuming I could drive 6 blocks through the city to complete a simple errand. My harrowing tale begins when I was informed I could not leave a tip for my stylist on my debit card, thus necessitating a trip to the bank. I won't bore you with the excrutiating details of my failure, but I will say a few things: 1.) Do not move to D.C., unless you are a close personal friend who will move in next door. 2.) Never, ever turn down 19th, between P and K, for any reason, at any hour, of any day. 3.) Get off your damn cellphone, before I kill you. My new housemate, friend, and boss-of-me, Ms. J. Shaffer, is spending this special weekend at the Minnesota State Fair! A fair whose obesity and milk products are rivaled only by the Ohio State Fair. She writes: dear jenny, here is a list of all the food-on-sticks options for my annual visit to the minnesota state fair on friday. perhaps some dedicated readers of heck's kitchen would like to voice their opinion and tell me what to try?? Click here, and then search food-on-a-stick. Look at some of these vendors: Giggles Campfire, Clown Popper, Colonial Nut Roll, Grandma's Pasties, Granny's Kitchen Fudge Puppies. Tomorrow: The game of baseball hasn't been the same since the 1976 release of The Bad News Bears. No longer does the sport boast such colorful characters as Bill "Spaceman" Lee and his marijuana pancakes or Joe Pepitone posing nude for Foxylady magazine. And in a parallel fashion, several of the Bears' principal actors embarked on their own downward paths. Jackie Earle Haley, who played big-swinging, pint-sized delinquent Kelly Leak, had just one decent post-Bears role: Breaking Away. After that, he was sent to the straight-to-video purgatory of Dollman and Maniac Cop 3: Badge of Silence. Vic Morrow, the ill-tempered rival coach, suffered the grisliest of demises: He was beheaded by a helicopter during the filming of the Twilight Zone movie. But perhaps no fate was more heartbreaking than that of Tatum O'Neal. Imminently crush-worthy and world-weary at age 12, her Amanda Whurlitzer remains cinema's greatest tomboy. With a mouth as nasty as her curveball, she made boys across America giddy and slackjawed. Her career bottomed out after Little Darlings, and her rocky marriage to John McEnroe ended horribly, as well. Then there was the heroin addiction. Watching O'Neal stumble awkwardly through her scenes on a recent episode of Sex and the City, I felt pangs of physical discomfort. But I shouldn't be surprised at all of these sad endings: The Bears actually lose to the Yankees at the end of the movie. Shed a tear when the film screens Saturday, Aug. 30, at noon at the American Film Institute's Silver Theatre and Cultural Center, 8633 Colesville Road, Silver Spring. $8.50. (301) 495-6700. (David Dunlap Jr.) 08.29.03 Today I made the critical error of assuming I could drive 6 blocks through the city to complete a simple errand. My harrowing tale begins when I was informed I could not leave a tip for my stylist on my debit card, thus necessitating a trip to the bank. I won't bore you with the excrutiating details of my failure, but I will say a few things: 1.) Do not move to D.C., unless you are a close personal friend who will move in next door. 2.) Never, ever turn down 19th, between P and K, for any reason, at any hour, of any day. 3.) Get off your damn cellphone, before I kill you. My new housemate, friend, and boss-of-me, Ms. J. Shaffer, is spending this special weekend at the Minnesota State Fair! A fair whose obesity and milk products are rivaled only by the Ohio State Fair. She writes: dear jenny, here is a list of all the food-on-sticks options for my annual visit to the minnesota state fair on friday. perhaps some dedicated readers of heck's kitchen would like to voice their opinion and tell me what to try?? Click here, and then search food-on-a-stick. Look at some of these vendors: Giggles Campfire, Clown Popper, Colonial Nut Roll, Grandma's Pasties, Granny's Kitchen Fudge Puppies. Tomorrow: The game of baseball hasn't been the same since the 1976 release of The Bad News Bears. No longer does the sport boast such colorful characters as Bill "Spaceman" Lee and his marijuana pancakes or Joe Pepitone posing nude for Foxylady magazine. And in a parallel fashion, several of the Bears' principal actors embarked on their own downward paths. Jackie Earle Haley, who played big-swinging, pint-sized delinquent Kelly Leak, had just one decent post-Bears role: Breaking Away. After that, he was sent to the straight-to-video purgatory of Dollman and Maniac Cop 3: Badge of Silence. Vic Morrow, the ill-tempered rival coach, suffered the grisliest of demises: He was beheaded by a helicopter during the filming of the Twilight Zone movie. But perhaps no fate was more heartbreaking than that of Tatum O'Neal. Imminently crush-worthy and world-weary at age 12, her Amanda Whurlitzer remains cinema's greatest tomboy. With a mouth as nasty as her curveball, she made boys across America giddy and slackjawed. Her career bottomed out after Little Darlings, and her rocky marriage to John McEnroe ended horribly, as well. Then there was the heroin addiction. Watching O'Neal stumble awkwardly through her scenes on a recent episode of Sex and the City, I felt pangs of physical discomfort. But I shouldn't be surprised at all of these sad endings: The Bears actually lose to the Yankees at the end of the movie. Shed a tear when the film screens Saturday, Aug. 30, at noon at the American Film Institute's Silver Theatre and Cultural Center, 8633 Colesville Road, Silver Spring. $8.50. (301) 495-6700. (David Dunlap Jr.) 08.28.03 In case you hadn't heard, much of DC has been without electricity for over 24 hours. But we're not crying about it, are we, even though all the food's gone bad and it's hot in here. Ok, my power was only out for one night and day, but still. The storm was pretty neat, though. I had just emerged from the metro and into Dupont Circle at 5pm. The sky was very dark and wind was whipping up a whirl of dirt and branches at all the scurrying little worker bees. A big gust shook the tree tops, and we looked up to see all the pigeons and crows get blown right out of the trees! Everyone went, "Woah." It was scary! So we ran to our respective homes or bars - in mine, the ceiling fell in from the water. Ah, 'twas a happy hour. Where does all the money go? Halliburton. Graph from the Post. Lights, Camera, Exploitation: That’s Our Bush! The President’s Re-Election Campaign Kicks Off With a Shameless 9-11 Docudrama. "DC 9/11 also marks a new stage in the American cult of personality: the actual president as fictional protagonist." Village Voice. And while you're at the Voice, how about When Cops Are Thugs: Zero Tolerance Comes to Mexico City, Courtesy of Rudy Giuliani. Bob reports: dig this! they were playing an excerpt of a talk radio interview of schwarzenegger and, to the question of whether he supported gay marriage, he said, "i do support domestic partnership. but i think gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman." also, for the 1st time since 9/11 (as i understand it anyway) less than half the country believes that bush should be reelected. yay! and dean is fucking everywhere! Speaking of the doctor: Join us in giving an enthusiastic MD reception for Howard Dean, M.D. DATE: Monday September 8, 2003, TIME: 6:45 - 8:00 PM, LOCATION: University of Maryland at College Park, Next to Stamp Student Union Courtesy of the g.h. williams blog, Bonnie "Prince" Billy's Tour Diary. The U.S. Open is a bit without the star power of the Williams' sisters, which they're only too eager to tell you: "Serena snapped up 13 pairs of high heels at Bergdorf Goodman and Manolo Blahnik alone on Tuesday - and while both were careful to praise those playing in the Open this week, they also admitted that things were, well, a tad boring without them. "Without us, it is a little dry," Serena Williams told reporters. The Onion: What Do You Think? The Ten Commandments Ruling and Your Horoscope. Pisces: (Feb. 19—March 20) Don't worry if you don't understand the complex, yet seemingly effortless, unfolding of the universe. After all, you're stupid. Two stories about the March on Washington, 40 years ago this week: March on Washington Revisited and Paths to Glory. Also, Janis Ian gets hitched. All the latest in the file sharing brouhaha: RIAA Adopts High-Tech Gumshoe Tactics. "Using a surprisingly astute technical procedure, the Recording Industry Association of America examined song files on the woman's computer and traced their digital fingerprints back to the former Napster file-sharing service." And, Al Franken: Throwing Punches and Punch Lines. And, see below, for something fun to do. Thanks, Troy! 08.27.03 Attention Pennsylvania Residents, and Brooklynites (you know you are!): From Savage Love: I was recently in a restaurant in New York having dinner with my wife. (The restaurant in question is Rosewater, and I recommend it if you happen to be in the Park Slope area of Brooklyn.) While my wife was using the ladies' room, I overheard the word "santorum," and of course my ears perked up. My neighbors, two women and a man, were discussing not only your column, Dan, but also their approval of the new meaning of santorum and how useful it would be for them. All this over Chilean sea bass and smoked duck! How is Mr. Santorum taking all this? - Ted I don't know how Mr. Santorum is taking all this, Ted, and when I called his office to inquire... Well, let's just say that Sen. Santorum had no comment. In fact, no one in his office would even take my call. Which struck me as rude, but, hey, I'm not a constituent. Perhaps a reader who lives in Pennsylvania, the state Santorum represents, would have better luck contacting him. (You can e-mail Rick at senator@santorum.senate.gov, or reach him by phone at 202/224-6324.) I'll present anyone who can get an on-the-record comment from Santorum or his spokesperson with a case of lube and a selection of santorum T-shirts from extraugly.com. (bob) Kucinich vs Dean on the issues You won't find me beating up on Rep. Kucinich. He's Constance's man until he doesn't get the nomination. He's good on most of the issues, better than Dean, he's from Ohio, and he speaks his mind. He's the only Presidential candidate who voted against the vile Patriot Act. But, Sarah and I saw him on The Daily Show the other night..and not even Jon Stewart, who was trying really hard, could get the guy to appear remotely charismatic. And his comb over...or toupee, I'm not sure...the guy's a great Representative, I wish the House were full of Kuciniches, but there's zero chance he can win. Now Dean, Dean's got Ambition: Dean Readies Ad Blitz More Than Year Ahead of Election. Unfortunately, he also has Poets for Dean. Bush 'Compassion' Agenda: A Liability in '04? "Mr. Wallis said Mr. Bush had told him as president-elect that 'I don't understand how poor people think,' and appealed to him for help by calling himself 'a white Republican guy who doesn't get it, but I'd like to.' Now, Mr. Wallis said, 'his policy has not come even close to matching his words.'" (bob) A DC institution, which we actually frequent, turns 45: Ben's Chili Is Something Else; That's for Sure. "What else could explain the scene at Ben's this past weekend: hundreds of people - Bill Cosby, D.C. Mayor Anthony A. Williams and Jesse L. Jackson among them - standing in a block-long line in 95-degree heat to eat hot chili?" You've Got Crack! VirtualCrack.com. More wacky Christians and their bumperstickers: 1 & 2. (sal) Dust and Deception, nytimes. "Last week a quietly scathing report by the inspector general of the Environmental Protection Agency confirmed what some have long suspected: in the aftermath of the World Trade Center's collapse, the agency systematically misled New Yorkers about the risks the resulting air pollution posed to their health. And it did so under pressure from the White House." (bob) Still Frowning, Fox News Drops Franken Suit. Fox is such a class act: "The lawsuit, filed earlier this month, described Franken as a 'C-level political commentator' who 'appears to be shrill and unstable.'" Tune in tomorrow for a special surprise! Ok, I can't keep a secret. Tune in tomorrow for the HK Interview with Ms. Dana King, co-founder of THE PEOPLES' RECIPLEX! 08.26.03 HAPPY BIRTHDAY, mom! You're still the coolest, even if you never read my site. Feel free to write my mom and tell her how neat she is. Especially if you've never met. Write her at zemommy at tampabay.rr.com, and say, way to be 47, Jenny's mom. In the spirit of Gay TV Tuesday, see how girly or boyly you are at straightacting.com. I was a girl=6 and boy=6. "I am large, I contain multitudes," as girly boy Walt Whitman once said, when it was pointed out he had contradicted himself. Sassy. The Reciplex has an exciting semi-issue, featuring Self-Medicating Pot Butter for One, by Danar. "A recipe for Dutchmen, select Canadians, as well as Future Peoples Everywhere Else." In music, how about that Corn Mo? You can't read much kittenpants without noting her fervor for this Corn Mo. I got a couple mp3s from there, and am delighted to report they are delightful. Check out this *honk*ed up story called: A Deadly Day for Charlie Company. M. Fox sent it from the LA Times. Reprinted by me, to bypass the registration nuisance. Finally, this is a message to that witch who threw gum in Tessie's hair in 1988, when we were heckling Ronald Reagan at the Bowling Green campus, who added further insult to gum assault by sneering, "Obviously you all are too young to remember when gas was $1.00 a gallon!" Hey lady, *honk* you! I paid $1.73 today! And all your Republicans bombin' ain't doing *honk* to fix it! As someone somewhere said, let's bomb Texas. They've got oil, too. Even more finally, guess what? This blackout photo's a fake. Shoot. Says intrepid reader and hill gopher Jami B: "Hello JennyMiller.com, You know that I frequent your site for new and exciting information but I noticed an error in today's posting. The satellite photo is a fake. Check out this website for the full info." Thanks, J. By the way, I just noticed that someone from The Executive Office of the President was perusing Heck's Kitchen. If I mysteriously disappear, well, I did it all for you. 08.25.03 I regret to inform you that I may soon be returning to regular, fulltime employment. This is good news to friends who have to deal with my constant poverty and whining about that poverty, but to those of you COUNTING ON HK to deliver you the best of today's Washington Post, well, I might not have time to read the paper for you anymore. With that looming big-girl work schedule in mind, I present the final, wildly unpopular "headlines"-themed edition. NEWS FRONT: Israelis and Palestinians continue playing bomb tag. Palestinians now "it." Liberian kids love their AK-47s. Molester priest murdered in prison. And Latinos or Hispanics? A Debate About Identity. You probably already know about the Hispanic/Latino debate. You might also know that Latino is not a racial category. You might also know that Latinos passed African Americans as the largest ethnic minority in the U.S. a few months back. If you know all this, you probably needn't read the story. Scientists Gain Insight From Man's Vision. Blind for 40 years, this guy can now see perfectly. The interesting thing is his brain's inability to process and interpret images. For example, he can't recognize faces, including his wife's. SPORTS: American Little Leaguers lose to Japan again. Cutely, the vanquished from Boynton Beach, Fla. and vanquishers from Tokyo became buddies. Freedom Festival: DC Freedom won the WUSA championship yesterday, thanks to The Great Abby Wambach and Company. I watched most of this game and Abby scored on a helluva header. The Mystics, on the other hand, continue to underwhelm, and mild-mannered forward Chamique Holdsclaw is pissed. "Holdsclaw, frequently called upon to be the team leader in Bullett's absence, balked at the notion she should assume such a role after the game. 'I can't do every damn thing,' Holdsclaw said after scoring a team-high 24 points. 'I'm tired of worrying that I'm going to have to be [the leader]. I can't do everything. If they expect me to do everything in Washington, D.C., this team is never going to win.'" The critics weigh in on Playmakers, ESPN's first dramatic series. "It's not horrible." American Sprinter Jon Drummond makes a huge ass of himself. Throws world-class temper tantrum at Worlds: 08.24.03 Mr. Bova came to Washington - paid respects to nation's treasures, slutted around like a champ. Good luck in NY, Michael! 08.22.03 Guess what yesterday was? HK's birthday. We've come a long way, baby. Go see the excitement that was last August. I'm at my grandma's. We fixed the worm. Now I'm off the nursing home, which is the worst place on earth. I believe it was Mr. Bova who said, Never have kids. Then you'll never end up in a nursing home. And I thought, yes, it'd be better to just trip over my pussy posse, fall down and not be able to get up. The End. Tomorrow night at J. Patricks in Baltimore: Ms. Lisa Moscatiello. Her website is painfully ugly, but she's not. 08.21.03 Good afternoon friends, minions, others. From Wendy D: Mini-KISS, and Scary Movie 3, the trailer. Although I will never live down having insisted all my friends see Scary Movie 2, I must insist you all see Scary Movie 3, the trailer. Michael Jackson's in it! Queer Eyes everywhere: Gay TV, The Onion graphic. See also, Baptist Lies for the Queer Guys, by Betty Bowers, America's Best Christian. And, the Post people have ideas for Queer Eye copies, and they think they're pretty funny, anyway. Even When I Was 12, about Thirteen, from the Village Voice, via UB. Also, that wasn't this katspank who sent you that big, fat infected file: Worm Wars II: Attack of the Virus. Bob says: doreen just sent me this great article about dirty women comedians during the 50s. Here's Pearl Williams: This broad goes to an eye doctor. He holds up a chart with letters and says, "Can you read this?" She says, "No." He holds up another chart with bigger letters. "Can you see this?" "No," she says. He holds up another chart with huge letters. "Can you see this?" "No," she says. He takes out his schlong and says, "Can you see this?" "That I can see," she says. "Oh, that’s your problem," he says. "You’re cockeyed." Look at this idiotic thing: Gathering, Because They Can. Latest fad among carefree young celebrates absolutely nothing. Neal Pollack: Ashcroft Rolls Like Thunder. Finally, you've gotta know about this. State Senator Rodney Ellis writes: Dear friends, I am writing to you from a hotel room in Albuquerque, New Mexico, where I and 10 of my colleagues in the Texas Senate have been forced to reside for the past 20 days. If we return to our homes, families, friends, and constituents, the Governor of Texas will have us arrested. Read all about it here. I'm off to my granny's. Have a nice day. 08.20.03 Everything Kittenpants: My Pretend Interview With John Travolta, by Darci "Kittenpants" Ratliff, from Haypenny.com. "I've been a fan of John Travolta's for a long time. I thought it would be great if I could get an interview. But, I'm no Liz Smith! I did the next best thing: I interviewed a collection of his most famous lines from the movies." See also, Kittenpants interviews Andy Richter. I'm no KP sycophant, but HK might be. I'm just A BIG FAN. Speaking of fans, a bunch of us travelled up to Charm City last night to see the East Coast premiere of Dave Dunlap Jr., professional funnyman. He was Fearless and Great! I was so impressed and proud, and even stone cold sober. Main act Todd Barry was a total pro, and I learned he appeared a few times on Dr. Katz, my most favorite defunct animated show. If anyone has Dr. Katz tapes, let me know. M. Fox writes: These guys aren't too smart. I bet this looked super cool, however. (AP CHEYENNE) Two Rock Springs men have pleaded guilty to destroying five electrical transmission towers in southwest Wyoming. Eric Wickersham and Kole Egbert, who are both 21, entered guilty pleas last week in U-S District Court to charges of destruction of an energy facility. Each faces a maximum of 20 years in prison and a 250-thousand-dollar fine. Sentencing hearings are scheduled October 20th. Wickersham and Egbert are accused of untwisting three of four guy wires that were holding a 70-foot tower in place. The tower fell, causing a chain reaction, resulting in four other towers and the lines falling to the ground. No one lost power because alternative transmission routes prevented interruption. Idaho Power Company estimated 275-thousand-dollars in damage to the lines, which carry power from Rock Springs to Idaho. Totally random music recommendations from local folkie and polyamory fan Susan: 1--Trina Hamlin. She is fabulous. Check out her website. 2-- Asylum St. Spankers 3-- Cordero "...Latin influenced indie rock." 4--Action Figure Party. An HK VIP Writes: I've had it up to here with reviews of the new Liz Phair album. Whether positive or negative, these articles all sound exactly the same. Quick to attack, rejoicing in opportunities to downplay her past achievements, and revolving around whether her sexuality is something they can, literally, get behind. Even Matt's article - a person I respect a lot -- talks about his inability to extricate Liz Phair's music from his animosity towards an ex-galpal. And let's face it, he's not the only guy who got a hard-on when others proclaimed Brad Wood was the MASTERmind behind the record. The worst part, these boys won't even admit how this music changed the way they perceive women and female sexuality. Most of these reviews are based on three things, she's getting older, she's still sexual, and she'd like to make some money. But they can't admit that pisses them off, they've got to pretend they believe she's some witch that betrayed them all. Why? Even if they weren't essentially changed by these records, they internalized the message after hearing their girlfriends play Exile in Guyville 4 billion times in the summer of 1993. And I say "girlfriends," because if any of these guys want to pretend they were huge fans who wrote glowing reviews of the early work, they are lying. It's one record. Neil Young made, like, 207 terrible records. Fucking genius! So she put out one record on a major label, so she's sick of playing Mama Indie Rock to a bunch of trucker hat wearing hipsters, so she wants to be a single-mom with a cash flow, so fucking what?! The animosity of these reviews is just too much. I just can't deal with any more chauvinist wolves in liberated-guy sheep costumes. If I read one more, "I'm pro-women's sexuality," or "I like the Teaches of Peaches" disclaimer, I'm gonna start whacking people with my shoes. Hardly any reviews include quotes -- and when you attack some one for selling out, you should at least ask them WHY. Unless of course, you don't give a shit. I'll admit, I'm not happy Liz Phair is traveling down this road - and making pit stops to visit Sheryl Crow and Jewel along the way - but I am infuriated by male writers using the "I'm so disappointed she sold-out angle." Am I supposed to believe Liz Phair was their hero during Nirvana's heyday? When I first saw Liz Phair on the cover of Venus, I thought, "Why is she on the cover of a magazine about women indie rockers?" And then I remembered, "Oh yeah, she's one of the most influential women artists of the last couple decades and she has a new record." It's just an interview, and it lets her talk about her own career. Thank god, because I don't really care what a bunch of pompous writers "think" about her career moves. I want to know why she's doing it. Because I do give a shit. Thanks, reader/writer. You can read the interview here: phair game, from Venus. (thanks to uberfan interview-transcriber Mesmerizing). See also: Quotes from Liz Peers. So, recently I learned that someone has written a song about me! Unfortunately, it's very unflattering. Today's lesson: watch out for artists and musicians, and reviewers and comics, and people with blogs, and especially members of Phish. Kittens...kittens are the ones you can trust. 08.19.03 Two writers from the same mag debate the merits of Liz Phair's "Hot White Cum." Pro: Sweet On the Sticky Stuff: The Ignored Pleasures of Liz Phair and "H.W.C." and Con: If not for the lyrics, it could be a b-side from Phair’s new pal, Sheryl Crow, complete with handclaps. The first writer's a friend of mine and a great guy, Matt Weiner. But I think I agree with the other guy. Arthur Loves Plastic's CD-release party the other night was a Post Pick. You can listen to/buy Higher Fruit here. You can see Bev/ALP working, there on your left. Whale Flatulence. "Somehow, this story was *not* picked up by the 'major' newswires. . ." - Eric W. Speaking of which, Bush campaign launches blog. Gross. Mr. Bova and I went to the National Gallery of Art yesterday. We liked this guy, Amedeo Modigliani, and his stuff looked kind of queer. Like, this one's called Madame Kisling. We also liked this guy, Charles Sheeler. That one below is called Classic Landscape. See what the Normals are up to: Readers' Choice Best Bets 2003, Washington Post. Example: Best Gay/Lesbian Bar - JR's. "A mainstay of the 17th Street scene, JR's attracts gay male professionals and model-types alike with its frat-house atmosphere." Woohoo. FREE KITTENS! From Shalini's friend: I have a friend who is leaving the country and needs to give his kittens away to a good home. I believe the kittens are just a few months old. These kittens are great, and this is coming from someone who doesn't even like cats. So, if you would like them or know of someone who would and could provide a good home for them, please let me know. My friend would like to give them away within the next few weeks. Thanks. Roon Stop Ashcroft/Sign another petition: From Howard Dean: This week, Attorney General Ashcroft is touring the country to build support for his ‘Victory Act,’ which would expand the Patriot Act. Join me in taking a stand against John Ashcroft’s plans by signing the petition to stop the passage of the Victory Act. 08.18.03 Quick & dirty today. I'm still hosting Mr. Bova, which is a pleasure, but definitely cramps my HK-style, and also the power has gone out, which means I'm on battery time. Firstly, this case gets weirder and weirder: Murder and Mystery: They were friends and teammates, but now Patrick Dennehy is dead and Carlton Dotson, who spent this past weekend under a suicide watch, stands accused of murder. Nextly, from Stylus' Seconds: Perfect Moments in Pop - Billie vs. Ella. Finally, from Bob: "here, you can take a quiz to determine which golden girl you are most like. me=dorothy." Stop me if you've heard this one before. During the summer of 1972, my parents, then 15 and 16, worked at the local pool. To briefly and unfairly characterize them for your entertainment, I'll just say that my mom was sort of a bubbly, popular, student council type, and my dad was sort of a guy in a pot who smoked band. One day they were working when a thunderstorm broke. My future mom and dad ran for shelter in an equipment room, and in a thunderstormy minute I was conceived. Henceforth my baby parents had to raise me, and their party lives were over, before their party lives had even begun. Which brings me to a point. Which is that, this morning, as I was reviewing the events of the last several days (dinner party, dinner party, small party, swimming pool, potlucky party, party-party, movie, etc.), and previewing the events of the next few days (pretty similar), and while I was feeling a little ridiculous about my misspent leisure and extended adolescence, I thought - aha! perhaps I've been charged with the task of playing for three. Like Buffy, Slayer of Vampires, I was born with a destiny and duty, not of my choosing. And after that exercise in following my vices and underachievements to their obvious not-my-fault sources, I feel not just better, but rather heroic. Speaking of people who make good use of their time, I leave you with a photo of the Canadian Rockies, taken by my former roommate Kari, who writes: My sister and I just returned from our 3 week cycling trip on the canadian rockies. The 650 mile trip took us from Calgary, thru Banff, Lake Louis, and Jasper. We then returned to Calgary east of the Rockies, traveling through cattle, logging, and oil country. We camped most of the way, with a night in a hostel and a night in a motel (with whirlpool and sauna). The trip went well; 5 minutes of rain, two easily changed flats, and 2 mountain passes. Physically, it was all very do-able. The scenery was spectacular, did a couple of nice hikes. And the locals were friendly, even despite the U.S. ban on Canadian beef - some mad cow that came from the U.S. 08.15.03 So, who here knows a whole lot more about the power grids than ever before? The entire West is on one grid. The entire East, in the east-of-the-Mississippi sense, is on another. And Fucking Texas, the Humvee of states, has its own. Ever driven through west Texas? It's a paradise of dirt and cows baking in the sun, with the occasional oily town thrown in. I don't see any problem with letting them secede. We don't need the Bushes or the Rangers or the Cowboys. On the other hand...All Hail West Texas is a darn fine album, so John Darnielle must have seen something I missed. Speaking of Darnielle, he's finally posted something new and as usual, worth your time. Liam Lynch’s "United States of Whatever" is about as great a novelty record as you’re ever going to hear, sayeth he. VICE has a picture issue thing going on. There's the usual heartwarming Do's, and a bunch of other stuff, too. Girls Are Pretty: Happy You Can Do Anything You Set Your Mind To Day! From Bob: a de-fucking-lightful story about waterbeds. Today's emails detailing Grandma's Struggles with The Worm: 1.) yikes how do I know for sure if the worm went back into his hole. 2.) Hi Jenny, howdo i know if the worm is gone i could not complete what i was told to do Love me 3.) what i meant the box does not show up and iam not cut off i tried to sent to you in hecks kitchen but did not know how to send it i am on my way to the nursing home love grandma Why the blackout? Could be "The lesbians with their electric dildos." Go ask Neal Pollack. NOT LEAST! Last night we saw a Stephen Colbert special. Go read this Stephen Colbert interview. Have a nice weekend. 08.14.03o Re: the punchline to yesterday's de-skunking story from Dana: "Heya, can you make one small edit? 'He smells like a fresh pussy.' I left out the 'a!' Although I realize no one is likely to notice, I feel that it makes a big difference, and is the accurate quote anyway." Here you go: "Indeed, as Jack put it, 'he smells like a fresh pussy!'" Re: required daily readings: From Bob: super flashing kitten eyes! From kittenpants proper: hollywoodiscalling.com. Impress your client with a personalized greeting from Fred "Rerun" Berry! From the onion: What Do You Think? The First Gay Bishop. From British friend Random: Re - a couple of previous concerns, Reuters (via Yahoo.co.uk) is running a story with the headline "Never mind fat cats, where are my pants?" From Q: The NFL kicks off with an "interactive football festival" on the Mall. Oy. "A Pentagon spokesman said the concert will honor the armed forces because the NFL 'really wants to give a big thank-you" to troops.'" And finally, Abortions and You, from kittenpants, the site. And finally finally, from Bob: Maureen Dowd: Blah Blah Blog. Re: Yesterday's bit about endangered Mermaids at Weeki Wachee: Andy and I went scuba diving at weeki wachee a couple of months ago. The water is amazing, the people are super nice... and there are mermaids, too! I highly recommend it! - Shannon Connor, friend of my sister. From my actual sister, an actual Floridian: With the Disney onslaught many of the old parks are threatened, unable to pay staff and upkeep the parks. Dino World is another on the endangered park list. It's kitschy and the dinosaurs themselves have been slightly deformed after 60 years in the brutal Florida sun, but what would break the monotony of life like a stroll through the prehistoric ages and a good old fossil dig? So next time you are planning a day trip looking for some Florida fun, think Mermaids and Dinosaurs, not Mickey and Minnie. Here are some links helpful in planning: Weeki Wachee & Dinosaur World. (ed. note: aw, even the website is old-fashioned.) Re: The Blaster Virus! Oh, alas and alack. My grandma's computer seems to have caught it. She writes: "Hi Jenny if you get this message why does my windows shut down Grandma" Deb got it, too: I got the worm. The computer V.D. Re: yesterday's appeal for dog names. We've had just three entrants so far, but they're good ones: From my sister: i vote for jeebus, on account of the simspons episode where homer was sent on a mission and yelled to the pilots taking him there "but, i don't even believe in jeebus!" From Sallypants: Clarence! He just look like a Clarence to me. Or Killer. Or Al Jolson, because of the whole blackface thing. From kittenpants: I nominate "Superman" and "Delta Omega Gamma" and "Lance" and "Bruce Dickinson of Iron Maiden" which is what my friends just named their puppy. Also "Steve Perry" and "Magic Bobby." Mom, I hope you're listening. 08.13.03 Reciplex Dana writes: Something happened Sunday night which made me wish that I had a blog. I thought I'd send a brief account to you since Heck readers might need a chuckle after the sad cancer death entry yesterday... Late Sunday night the Jackbot and I were stationed at our home PC nerd stations, happily computing, when I realized there was a nasty stench filling the apartment. Our unruly Puerto Rican street cat, Freddy, sat a foot away from our desks looking freaky, wide-eyed, and wet. We quickly deduced that he'd been sprayed by the skunk that roams our neighborhood. We have no vets in the family and no idea how to de-skunk a cat. Jack toweled off the Fred while I did a quick Google search on "skunk spray." The first hit was precisely about how to clean skunk spray off of pets. I immediately learned that tomato juice is a myth - it numbs the tomato-juice sniffing human to the skunk smell and does little else. Multiple sites advised mixing hydrogen peroxide, baking soda, and liquid detergent in a bucket outside of one's house, using caution and latex gloves. Unfortunately Fred was sprayed directly in the face and that stuff is too harsh for the proximity of eyes. Thankfully the internet had an eye-friendly alternative... an over-the-counter douche. Jack was confused. He thought that a douche was a cleaning tool, rather than a cleaning chemical. I reassured him with all the consumer knowledge of my many-oraficed gender. At 11:30pm we set out to find a 24-hour pharmacy and purchase a douche bag and a pack of cigarettes (for afterward). I spared Jack the gender-inappropriate experience of carrying the douche up to the cash register and we returned home armed with our internet-recommended cat de-skunking product. We were alarmed to discover that the douche was a thick red liquid but Jack bravely locked himself in the bathroom with Freddy and the colored douche chemical. After several applications and rinses, we went outside for a cigarette to clear our nostrils with liberal doses of fresh air and smoke. When we returned to the apartment we knew for sure that the web site was right and Freddy no longer smelled like skunk. Indeed, as Jack put it, "he smells like fresh pussy!" Heehee. Wasn't that was educational? Thanks Dana. And now for some big news of a different sort. Next Tuesday, the 19th, our own Dave Dunlap Jr. will be making funny for money at The Otto Bar in Baltimore! He's opening for Todd Barry, "who is like an all for real funny no joke comedian," according to Mr. Dunlap. Hooray! While snooping around for dirt on Todd Barry, I came across this interview at a site called kittenpants. Kittenpants! She has some great stuff! I wrote her a love letter and she visited my Zonkboard! Now everyone go over there so she's impressed with all the HK referrals, alright? Oh yes, her list of links is very good, and among them is this: The Top Ten Gayest Songs Ever! MP3s included! Shoot, kittenpants also led me to reallysmalltalk.com: very short stories about New York City. From Bob: Sad Days for Mermaids of the Sequined Sort. What these ladies do for $6.50 an hour... Finally, my family is getting a new puppy tomorrow, and I told my mom I'd solicit names from you guys. There's my mom and the new puppy. Here's her current list of nominations: Ozzie, Jeebus, Norm, Indy, Einstein, Hamlet, Willie, Brutus, Augie, Izzie, Shaunzy, Ubu, Sloopy, Buster, JP, Punky, Albie, Jordan, Dude, Cosmos, Rush. Ok, I think we can immediately scratch Dude and Rush. Help us out, creative reader-people. Nominate or vote for a name today! 08.12.03 This morning my company gathered at the stairwell for a weep-in over the death of Dave Newton, who, with his wife Amy Marasco, was the founder of Marasco-Newton, this here company. Dave was a really great guy, reports those who knew him - a true environmentalist, extremely generous, sincerely kind to all people, and totally into his wife. He gave a third (one third!) of his wealth to Habitat for Humanity. He just turned the company over in January, and BAM, dead in August. From stupid cancer. Then I opened an email from Mart in NY, who tells me that his dear friend Marnie just died after a "not very long cancer battle." She was just 34. So, today it's hard to avoid thinking about how long we've got, what we've done so far, and of course, hating fucking cancer. Since I'm unlikely to have the Death Theme again for a while (I hope), this is the day I post a link to an obituary of someone none of us know. Her name was Amanda Davis, she was a writer and, like Mr. Newton, the center of a little universe: "She was the magnetic core around which a lot of people swirled, and as such she was a facilitator of relationships and possibility of all sorts. Many of us were connected, through her, to a community that she created and maintained; she made life feel cozy, small, family-like, even for people who lived 3,000 miles apart. With her energetic pragmatism, she commanded the chaotic, nonsensical world to work better, and it did, or at least it seemed to, when she was around." From this lovely bit her McSweeney's peeps wrote up, with links to a lot of her work. AND that concludes the Death portion of today's HK. And now, a big roundup o' stuff, from all y'all. From the Peoples' Reciplex: •The Community Flog — The flogbot efficiently describes several weeks worth of humanoid produce consumption in one informative flog. By the Roboflogger 2K3. • Microwaves As Weapons — New contributed articles taint our beloved "machine of the people" with the latest "capitalist tool" uses. Commentary and article discuss microwave technology developed into weapons by the U.S. Synopsis by Jack Odell • The Legacy of "Pork, the Other White Meat"® — Thanks to this marketing strategy, pork and chicken shared one more similarity than color - increased sales in the U.S. The woeful impacts of the famously successful pork industry marketing campaign. By Erin Hendrick From Bev: Saturday evening, August 16th, midnight until 1:30 AM is the CD release party for Feel the Love, the single from the upcoming album Higher Fruit that has been deconstructed by an international cast of remixers: To hear some of the tracks from Higher Fruit, go here. ALP will be spinning downtempo and progressive house. The party happens at ATLANTIS @ Japone, 2032 P Street in Dupont Circle (the lounge is in the back of the cafe). The venue defies description, and is in keeping with Ms. Arthur's theme park heritage. Hope to see you there!! From Dave, "i see a great Purple vs. Kuno movie in my head." — Legendary Dog-Eating Catfish Dies. This is one helluva fish. Please see also the article directly below: Live kittens are being used as bait by professional fishermen hunting giant catfish. ! From Bob (of course): Tease-O-Rama! "America's only weekend-long convention dedicated to the foxy, fabulous and all-around over-the-top world of burlesque!" From Caryn: VICE's take on Friendster. Also from Caryn, Unknown and Alone in Mexico, a tale that cautions: if you are a paranoid schizophrenic, don't get lost in another country. Speaking of which, from Underblog: Creativity and Madness. From Q: This polar bear is Purple. Really. From Shalini: A coordinated effort by vandals to fool people into thinking Starbucks had closed. From Deb: Suicide Bomber Barbie. From Sarah: Leno Gets 'Queer' Makeover. "Maybe they'll make him into someone likeable." And urban animal news from Underblog: Vultures, Rats, and Evil Pet Store Owners. I JUST got another work email about another cancer death of an employee today. Geez. So, love your neighbors, do something with your lives (and try to get me to do something, too) and enjoy your Queer Eye, tonight on Bravo! 08.07.03 All About the Whiskey Rebellion, by Michael Fox. 08.06.03 Something occurred to me last night while watching a WETA special about George Washington. I was seated on the futon, gearing up for Bravo's Gay Tuesday lineup, sipping some water and occasionally spanking Purple the Giant Cat, who can take a cat spanking like none other, when this something occurred to me. So, Washington was this bizarre kind of leader who took very seriously the affects his actions would have on the future of the Republic. He was committed to democratic ideals. The guy really walked the talk. So, I thought I might write a little bit about the good GW, when I remembered HK's own M. Fox is an expert on the subject. (Therefore, tune in tomorrow for the exclusive "GEORGE WASHINGTON: A NATIONAL TREASURE" Exhibition Project Manager Michael Fox HK Interview!) So I'll just say that the most horrifying part of this program was when narrator Richard Brookhiser was asking a group of school kids about the importance of manners and showing consideration and respect to others, and they all replied, in some very poor English, that what's important is "being yourself" and doing and saying whatever you want, and if someone doesn't like it, too bad, because self-expression and individualism are everything. After which I found myself agreeing with George Bush Sr. when he stated his wish that we could somehow return a civility to American culture. So the thing that occurred to me was that maybe bitching about politics and whining about the mass media all the time is rather ignoble. So today, I present a more noble topic: the reactions of some actual eye-witnesses to Purple. What do YOU think? Purple the Giant Cat. that thing is a manatee with a cat's head stuck on top. unlike any cat i've ever seen, this one's better built for life in the water than life on land. if PT Barnum were alive today, he'd give you ten large for that freaky feline, and turn it into the greatest sideshow legend of all time. if there is a god who cares one wit about cats, that god will create in cat heaven a cat-treadmill for Purple. because those little cat-angel wings will never lift Purple off the heavenly ground it will sleep on for eternity. I think Purple should be the basis of a whole new measuring system. Henceforth all things should be measured in relation to Purple. For instance, at capacity, my backpack weighs half a Purple. This new Ikea coffee table is about two Purples wide. Forget the metric system, let's hear it for the Purple Process! purple is akin to a squishy footstool, or a beanbag that can die. he is a prime candidate for a 'queer eye' makeover. i mean, i don't want to go assuming he's straight or anything, but come on. that beer n' pizza gut says it all. seeing that cat in motion singlehandedly trumps all fat-based hijinx in such films as goonies and old school. From Q: 'No, not again!' An incredibly disturbing story from ESPN.com about what happens to retired racehorses. You know, if the industry really wants to bring the public back to racing, they better make these atrocities a thing of the past. Man, just when I was getting into it, too. Same sources: Tennis parent's actions may have led to death. This dad's actually been poisoning his kid's opponents! Last but not least: U.S. Foreign Policy. From Deb. D. A funny and useful primer. 08.05.03 mini-entry The Key to a Successful Freelance Career: A Diary, from The Morning News, and Shaliniland. Funny stuff from Sarah Hepola. Star Wars animated in ASCII characters. From Andy Darley. I linked to the Post story the other day - this is the actual ascii movie. So...the Republicans are basically eschewing public funding for their campaigns. Let me repeat that: Bush is relying soley on private donors for his re-election. Once more, the Republicans have SO MUCH MONEY they DON'T EVEN NEED THE PEOPLE. Furthermore, "The recently enacted McCain-Feingold law bans unlimited 'soft money' contributions to national parties, depriving Democrats of a key source of cash from unions and Hollywood figures. The law limits donations to presidential candidates to $2,000, and Republicans have far more supporters able and willing to give that amount of money than do Democrats." Campaign Financing Reshaped: Bush Edge Making Public Funds Moot. This makes me so mad I just want to listen to pretty songs about death. From J. Vanderslice/MK Ultra: Red Cross, a sort of pretty but more topical song about going to war in Africa. Goodbye, Max! a really pretty song about abortion. Letting Go, a very pretty song about death. 08.04.03 Hi people. Ever seen a THIRTY POUND CAT? Well, as I type I'm battling one for space on this coffee table. His name is Purple, and I am to live with him and feed him for a month. There's another cat here, too, who I haven't seen in a while. It's possible Purple "Double Wide" Fatty ate him. The Greatest Reality Show Ever: Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Because I hate this usually cheap, lazy, bitchy, humiliating, stupid genre...you may be more or less inclined to take my opinion seriously. But this show strikes the perfect tone. It's hilarious, useful, and respectful. It's not catty, and it never celebrates another person's misfortunes. I laughed, I cried, and I highly recommend it. Not surprisingly, some folks just don't get it, as revealed by my google search. Dear Chairman KittyHorns: Can Elle of Legally Blonde really be a Postmodern Feminist Icon? Underblog Dear Underblog: Firstly, yes. Secondly, let's start asking the right questions. Q. WHY ARE THERE A MILLION GUY MOVIES WHICH ARE COMPLETELY POINTLESS? A. They're not completely pointless. They make men feel good about being men. They're about how men use manly attributes to solve manly problems in a manly way. This is exactly what Charlies Angels and Legally Blonde are about. Feeling good. Kicking ass and feeling good and being chicks. And there ain't nothing wrong with that. From the NYTimes: "The latest crop of pop entertainment, from reality television to soap operas, is reinvigorating the debate about culture, gender and stereotypes." Feminist Theory vs. Pop Fantasy. There're even props for my new favorite show: "The show with the faintest hint of what women want or like from men is Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Ms. Morgan said with a laugh. "They take a nice straight guy who wants to impress his girlfriend or his wife, and they make him over." And file this under Missing the Point: Hollywood's Material Girls. Washington Post. News from the Dean Camp: "Today, Howard Dean is on the covers of Time, Newsweek, and US News & World Report. On Sunday, the Des Moines Register Poll showed Howard Dean taking the lead in the important state of Iowa." Check out Dean: Cranky or Flinty? "He certainly doesn't suffer fools gladly." A man after my own black heart. Washington Post. Tasty bits: Looking a Marriage with Lesbian for compensation - 24. Dean's List. "Everyone's happy," from Bob. GoVeg.Com. LeMay. Traficant in 2004. Deb D. Hey, why not sign the Million For Marriage petition? From Jaime. Finally, our own Ranger Ted's big project sees the light of day in the great state of Minnesota! Presidential visit: Washington stops in Minneapolis . . . no lie! Congrats to M. Fox and his Lansdowne portrait! 07.31.03 Former bodyguard: Athletes need protection from selves. Left unsupervised, rich jock boys tend to throw people through plate glass windows, get high and drive around with guns in the glove box, and occasionally get brought up on rape charges. All of which could be prevented with a fulltime badass babysitter - featuring lurid details by Dennis Rodman's old bodyguard. From yesterday's revelation that Bush is a homo: "I think it is important for our society to respect each individual, to welcome those with good hearts. On the other hand, that does not mean that someone like me needs to compromise on the issue of marriage." Stephin Merritt says: "Love is like a bottle of Gin, but a bottle of Gin is not like love." But just how much is Deb like a bottle of Ginger Ale? #1 Fantasy, from Hoopla500. "If Erica Jong is to be believed, the #1 fantasy for women is sex with a stranger." Type Casting: Geek 'Star Wars' Is Full of Characters. This guy's recreated every scene of the original on his computer using nothing but "dots, dashes, parentheses, asterisks and what-have-you." Also, Dean too Lefty? Too Centry? Yawn. Who cares. HE'S THE MAN. From my sis: "hey there animal lovers...The Animal Rescue Site is having trouble getting enough people to click on it daily to meet their quota of getting free food donated every day to abused and neglected animals. Just go there and click "feed an animal in need" for free. Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate food to abandoned/neglected animals in exchange for advertising." Go to: www.theanimalrescuesite.com Pictured: Ms. Katie and Ms. Shaffer, at Katie's bridal shower. Cake by Jaime. Jaime is on her way to The Telluride Film Festival, where boyfriend Jacob is working. Aren't they lucky? Photo by groom-to-be Troy. Tune in tomorrow for my exclusive report from REDSKINS PARK! 07.30.03 Lookit what all the cat dragged in today: • The Ad Subtractors, Making a Difference, Washington Post. As the headline claims, Adbusters and Commercial Alert are actually making a difference. • GAY HIGH, NYPost. I NY. • In Final Hours, Despair Defeated Poet Indian-Born Writer Apparently Killed Herself, 2-Year-Old in D.C. Home. This gruesome scene occurred at the home of Howard Norman, author of The Bird Artist, and creative writing faculty at UMD. By the way, creative writing sucks at UMD. • Pentagon Abandons Plan for Futures Market on Terror, nytimes. Is there any scheme too stupid for a Republican to imagine? Says Tom Daschle; "I must say this is perhaps the most irresponsible, outrageous and poorly thought-out of anything that I have heard the administration propose to date." And here's the take from Onlne Casino News: You can now bet on terrorists and world calamities! • Rat-brained robot does distant art: "Meet the latest spaced out modern artist - a picture-drawing robot arm in Australia whose brain sits in a petri dish in the US," BBC. Call me a bleeding heart commie pinko, but does anyone else have a problem with the brain of a mammal trying to figure out how to live, when in fact it has no body, and the electrical impulses it's poor little brain is sending off leads to some colored pens somewhere, scribbling on paper, and they're calling it "art" and "learning"? What the fuck kind of bullshit is that? Go check out the pictures. • From the Smoking Gun: A Passionate Defense of the 'F' Word. A lawyerly explanation of the mainstreamedness of all things Fuck. While you're there, check out Hepburn's Last Will & Testament, and Kobe's mugshot. • Photographing the Famous, Even Those of an X-Rated World, nytimes. A fancy-pants portrait artist stoops to photograph porn stars. From Bob. • Columbia Heights/Adams Morgan, where most of us live and/or play: D.C. Fears Upsurge in Gang Feuds. And a reminder: The Deep Six play Friday, 9:30, at the Black Cat. In other news of a sort, Trix McGinnis leaves Forbes and NY in the dust Saturday, and heads out to Berkeley. Bye, Ponygirl! And Shalini, my cube neighbor, is right this second telling her bosses to take this job and shove it. She's headed down to Miami, where she envisions a life of freelance codebotting from Miami's clothing-optional beaches. Best wishes to you both - I am very jealous. Below: a little something made by Dave's friend Brian, in honor of Mr. Dunlap's night of Iron Maiden and Dio. 07.29.03 This is Haley, one of my dad's and Julie's cats. They found him underneath their car one night, upon returning from a Mary Chapin Carpenter show, so they named him after her song, Haley Came to Jackson. He's a big, fat orange tabby with half a tail, a bad eye, and a drooling problem. Isn't he cute? So, here's your daily sampling of this and that: • The Old Country: DJ Eddie Stubbs Won't Let Nashville Forget Its Roots, Post. • A Hummer parody site by the Sierra Club: the HummerDinger (from Trix). It's very funny, and very slow. • And if, like me, you forget to check your Onion, go do so before the new one comes out: the Onion. Make sure to stop by my favorite, What Do You Think? and say hello to the blonde one, whom Bob would like to get to know better. Speaking of Bob, he is a damn fine cook. Yesterday he fed me twice. And watered me. And, because he felt bad about having called me "joyless," he read not one, but TWO articles in my Sports Illustrated. Go ahead and ask him anything about the Kobe case, or New York Giants tight end Jeremy Shockey. Speaking of football, training camp has started, and I plan to drive down out to Loudon County on Thursday morning to watch practice. Anyone care to join me? Oh yes, and speaking again of Bob, which I am doing because I've hardly seen anyone else for days - last New Year's Eve Bob grilled some catfish, despite it being very, very cold out, and it was good, but Constance's Crunchy catfish fillet recipe looks pretty good, too. Tonight at Merriweather Post: Iron Maiden. By Dave Dunlap, Jr. My introduction to the standard-bearers of the new wave of British Heavy Metal was a hastily edited, Christian anti-rock screed titled The god of Rock, supplied by my well-meaning but hopelessly Baptist mother. Its opening sentence on Iron Maiden was poorly constructed, factually incorrect, and rife with twisted logic: "This group is relatively obscure 'heavy metal' molten madness band that has recently come out with an album named, The Number of the Beast 666." I was hooked. It helped that Maiden had the best approach to brand marketing in the entire realm of metal. The band had a simple, unforgettable logo (designed by bassist Steve Harris, a trained draftsman), but the most appealing element was its iconic mascot, Eddie, a skeletal demon who adorned every bit of Maiden paraphernalia. Eddie was seen in all manner of badass guises—WWII bomber pilot, Revolutionary War redcoat, Egyptian pharaoh, cyborg bounty hunter—and I swear at some point I saw him as a ghoulish Canadian Mountie. Human air-raid siren Bruce Dickinson rejoined the group in 1999 after an six-year layoff, and now the band is touring again, certainly banking on fans' nostalgia for the glory days. That's fine, because both the fans and the band exist in a blessed state of arrested development: Maiden's primary song subjects—military history, science fiction, and the occult—have massive appeal to (perpetually) adolescent males. The only major heavy-metal theme that was ever missing from the catalog was ladies. But then, ladies were absent from our own lives, as well. WashingtonCityPaper I have to do some work. By the way, I've created a new Archives section...I'm nost sure what to do with all this stuff. I guess just leave it up until my server explodes. Happy Tuesday. 07.28.03 Hey y'all, sorry about the lag in updates. There's more to the transient lifestyle than unlaundered clothing and passing out in the park: there's also the lack of internet access. At any rate, guess what? Some Bay-area rag called Other quoted Allison Farber from jennymiller.com! for their story on why NPR is overrated. Thanks, Sandy. And now, a buncha stuff: The Pool in Film: Deep and Lovely and Full of Sharks, nytimes. (wendy). Hmmm...a pregnant dude: malepregnancy.com. (deb). Kansas: Flatter than a Pancake? (susan). I'm sure you all heard about the block of the FCC rule change in the House. Here's a story about slimy little Michael Powell's ineptitude: FCC Chairman's Star a Little Dimmer. From Shaliniland: NationStates. "You create your own country, fashioned after your own political ideals, and care for its people. Either that or you deliberately torture them. It's really up to you." A timely warning to potential gambling addicts: 'Almost City' - As the racing life fades around them, a community of gamblers still comes to Laurel, waiting for the big payoff. It's proving to be a long, hard wait, from Washington Post Magazine. The HK Zonkboard was visited by Aaron and M. Bova (pictured), who had to deal with the censorship of the State as they discussed possible band names and Michael's famous trunks. I know, some people hate reading transcripts of chats. But, I thought Mr. Bova was funny. aaronious: Jenny... We should use Chairman Meow as our new band name. bova: I have to go finish painting the goddamn mantel over the fireplace Chairman Meow: i would be honored bova: that would be pretty funny bova: I kind of like '*honk*finger' too although that's a bit punk bova: *honk* bova: s h i t finger Chairman Meow: hahahaha bova: your *honk*ing chat thing is OPPRESSING ME bova: ! aaronious: Mike... I want those swimtrunks! bova: some stupid kids told me they liked my spandex--I set them right though aaronious: Did you whip it out? bova: I said, " *honk* you, you *honk*ing little *honk*s! They're *honk*ing VINTAGE Caryn checks in from Australia: today's most startling revelation: as distasteful as travelling on a greyhound bus is, it is infinitely more dismal with an earth-shattering hangover courtesy of mr. jack daniels and a mouth that tastes like a cat's ass after having slept 4 hours in a room with 9 other people...i have become obsessed with the notion that everything that i'm doing at this very second is the first and last time i will be doing it. it has honestly reached clinical levels. e.g. this is the only time in my life that i will sit here in the brisbane greyhound station, wearing these shoes, watching this child ride one of those coin operated toy car rides while i'm scraping last night's goo from my face. i think i should rest. xoxoxox, c Thanks Caryn! J. Hudson writes: Have you ever covered a rant about the introduction of white shoes in soccer (and how awful it is)? Please encourage readers of HK to write to their congressperson or the MLS to ban white shoes in professional soccer (and while you're at it, encourage them to only use quality full match players and not over-the-hill European and South/Central American players like Etcheverry (will someone please just stand on his left foot?)). I find the whole white shoe thing intolerable. I can barely stomach to watch MLS. In the recent Columbus Crew/ Kansas City Wizards match, I am afraid there may have been a majority of players wearing white shoes. This ain't cricket! Am I the only one that is bothered by this? I wrote Max at Fox Sports World, but never heard back - I suspect he must wear white cleats. This is purely an aesthetic objection, but an aesthetic crime of the highest order. Ed. note: Etcheverry happened to be responsible for a critical assist last night for United, which put them a game up on your Crew, who now occupy last place all alone.... Ms. Stanton announces: "Arthur Loves Plastic will be spinning from 12:00 to 1:30 on Saturday August 16th at ATLANTIS, a new, intimate, yet funky party from StoneFinger Productions. Located at Japone at Dupont Circle in Washington, DC, this loungy venue is absolutely brand new and will be a fresh environment for everybody. This gig will be a CD release party for Feel the Love, the globally remixed single from the upcoming album Higher Fruit." Listen to Feel the Love. Finally, I was really sad today to hear from my mom that their little dog Danny was hit by a car and killed. He was just a little guy and my mom really loved him. So, watch out for puppies, and think happy thoughts in the southerly direction of my mom & family. Thanks, love j 07.24.03 "Of course the people don't want war. But after all, it's the leaders of the country who determine the policy, and it's always a simple matter to drag the people along whether it's a democracy, a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism, and exposing the country to greater danger. It works the same way in any country." - Herman Goering at the Nuremberg trials (from Snopes.com) Swimming Pool, by Francois Ozon, starring Charlotte Rampling and Ludivine Sagnier. A thoughtful character study. A compelling mystery. With some big twists. Well-acted and...uh...wow, yes, that girl is hottt. And naked a lot. Yes, I recommend it thoroughly. Rampling is great and Sagnier is...mmm...a magnetic presence. You're supposed to ogle her! It's essential to the plot. Her part requires all that nudity. Yes it does. Been reading Bram Stoker's Dracula. Immediately began having vampiress dreams. Last night Bob insisted I'm just not giving gory slasher movies a chance. That the directors are underappreciated "masters of color." I say, some people were born with lust and some people with bloodlust, and I have none of the latter. What do you think? Modern Drunkard Magazine has new stuff, including: The Solution to All of Life's Problems: Using booze to overcome life's many obstacles. Boozing with the Bible: Armed with the Good Book and a wicked thirst, MDM searches for salvation and strong drink in the mean dives of Skid Row. Three Drinks Ahead with Humphrey Bogart: The man, the legend, the lush: Belting 'em back with Bogie. Are You an Alcoholic? Good, then we can talk. MDM gamely answers A.A.'s Twelve Questions. Weapons of Mass Redaction, by Maureen Dowd. ( From Bob - "don't worry. i've come to terms w/the fact that she'll never love me the way that i love her.") Tonight at Fort Reno, Amanda Mackaye's new band, The Deep Six. 7:15ish. HAPPY BIRTHDAY RANGER TED! M. Fox hits the big 4-0. Congrats, sir! Yesterday Mr. Fox directed our attention to the gibbet (pictured). He explaineth: "It's a gibbet iron from Philadelphia. Made to display the decomposing body of a pirate in 1781. Never used and on display at the Atwater Kent Museum. The gibbet iron was popular with the British navy. After the public strangulation of pirates, it used to paint the bodies with tar then hang them in gibbet irons along the Thames to discourage sailors from piracy." Thanks, MF. From Philadelphia Oddities. Have a lovely Thursday. Over and out. 07.23.03 RANDOM SORT OF FUN DAY! Please do the following sort of fun things, and you will have some fun: (I plucked these mp3s from on-hiatus Sharpeworld a while back.) 1. Acid - The Story of L.S.D. - a funny song about LSD. 2. Picking Up Girls - an foolproof instructional guide to tricking hot chicks with big knockers into sleeping with you. 3. Who Belongs to the City? by DebCentral. 4. Here's a sad song. Sad songs are fun, right? Azure Ray - I Can't Sleep 5. Here are three pictures Bob sent me:   Oh, yes: Evil sons killed. "Uday, 39, was a notorious playboy, bloodthirsty sadist, rapist and murderer." Finally my tax money pays for some deaths I can get behind. And finally, Mr. Eskridge's response to my comment that the Tour de France has been "interesting." p.s. interesting is one word i could use to describe the tour. i might also say THE-MOST-FUCKING- EXCITING-EDGE-OF-YOUR-SEAT-NAIL-BITING-HEMORRHOID-INDUCING-CAN'T-BELIEVE-MY-EYES tour ever. yes, i've been glued to OLN every night from 8 to 11 since day one. yesterday i screamed so loud when lance fell that i'm sure everyone in my building thought i was being cut up into small pieces. i was in tears when he approached the finish line. my god! what an amazing day. allez lance! Allez Lance, happy Wednesday, and thanks for playing. 07.22.03 Click. This is a damn great article (found in Bob's bathroom) which posits that GW's success is the result of his language skills: A Nation of Victims, from the Nation. "President Bush, like many dominant personality types, uses dependency-creating language. He employs language of contempt and intimidation to shame others into submission and desperate admiration....his political opponents are caught in a fantasy that they can win against him simply by proving the superiority of their ideas. However, people do not support Bush for the power of his ideas, but out of the despair and desperation in their hearts." Big news: Dean takes lead in California. September 24th at the Corcoran: the Guerrilla Girls. Listen at wnyc.org for more on the Friendster phenomenom and, the Gender Detector. "The program analyzes a writer's use of simple words like "you," "the," and "with" - and has an 80 percent rate of accuracy." And then there are the 20% of us who write funny. (Underblog). Check out Reciplex search stats. Kornheiser on Kobe. And here's a hell of a story: The Sole Survivor, about a guy whose entire family killed themselves. Finally, Mel Gibson Super Sucks. On the secret screening of his crap Jesus film yesteday: "Another invitee, right-wing radio host Laura Ingraham, flew here from San Francisco to see the film but arrived too late and missed it. 'I'm so bummed,' Ingraham told us. 'I want to see any movie that drives the anti-Christian entertainment elite crazy.'" Ah yes, the good old anti-Christian entertainment elite and the Liberal Media. If only. 07.21.03 Hey, how was your weekend? Did you break your toe, split your pants, lose your contacts, and blow one-third of your net worth at the track? No, I don't know what sort of loser could have such a weekend, and still care enough to update this site for you. From E. Webster: Smiling Through the 30th, a Birthday Once Apocalyptic: "Today, when marriage is routinely delayed past 30 and the 20's are often an extended adolescence — a time of romantic and professional hopscotch — a 30th birthday feels to many the way 21 once did, as the gateway to the more serious adult world. . . . "People have been treating 30's as bar mitzvahs, Sweet 16's or — dare I say it? — weddings." Sign another gay marriage petition, aight? (Ms. Shearin). Speaking of perverts demanding special rights, The End of the Line for Penthouse? And...YAY! The Carlsonics make music and our own Dave Dunlap Jr. makes jokes, WEDNESDAY NIGHT at THE WAREHOUSE NEXT DOOR, 1021 7th Street. Go Dave! 07.18.03 Late entry: Six Degrees of Procrastination: Why is everyone you know on Friendster? Slate, via Bob. That Kitten May Look Harmless, but He's a Jailbird, NYTimes. "While the slumbering newborn might not have seemed like a menace to Mr. Melendez, the facts of the case, according to prosecutors, are these: Gizmo was a threat to the safety and well-being of subway passengers throughout the system." Underblog. Hipster Bingo! From Suze. I just got three squares without even leaving my cube. From M. Fox: "Try this! It's spicy. And now, a word or 600 from down under, by the woman whose bed I occupy in her presence. I mean, absence. Ms. Caryn Compton! dear kitten, i'm sorry that i have been so flippant with my correspondence, hopefully the dearth of any written word has created a sensational myth about whether or not i'm actually alive, but more likely you're having trouble remember who in fact this "caryn" is. i am having the time of my life here and i couldn't be happier. as some of hk's readers may know, i basically decided to come to australia in the course of one afternoon's time after my most recent failed attempt at a relationship. i felt that i needed a life-altering experience to elevate my perspective. well kitten, that's exactly what i fucking got. i'm not exactly sure where to start with in terms of my travels. as you know, i found a place to live in sydney with 4 wonderful people and 1 complete and utter cunt. go figure, she's the other american and she sucks. so my roommates are composed of: james -- u.k. here on a year visa, has been in Sydney for 3 months and is currently traveling till he's broke. rachel -- u.k. As well. just quick her job at a cafe down the street and is traveling with some friends she's had since grammar school. delphene -- french. delphene is the glue that holds our little domestic experiment together. she is living here for a 6 months, but has lived here a few years ago when she was a volunteer for the olympics. delphene, james, and i went to a rugby match a few weeks ago at the olympic stadium and she pointed out where her name (along with the 14,000 other volunteers) is inscribed in one of the various columns outside the stadium. She is a wealth of travel knowledge and an absolute gem to have around. margie -- most recently from queens via columbia . very cool chic with an excellent sense of fashion, who incidentally i am going to travel with for the next few days in melbourne. i am currently in melbourne staying in the greenhouse backpackers hostel. since i've been traveling i've had to tap back into my hippie roots, not the easiest thing for yours truly, but i am growing accustomed to all night bus rides and sleeping in a room with 5 random strangers. i'll be in melbourne for 3 more days, then back to sydney for a week, then to brisbane for a week, then to figi. things that i have been doing: i have managed to feel at home in Sydney, now that i've been there for about a month and have gotten the hang of public transportation, which is incredibly efficient here. my favorite thing is to take the ferry to the smaller parts of Sydney It runs just past the opera house and is so beautiful to see, every single time. i rented a car with delphene and her sister and we did a tour of the northern beaches which was aces. (don't worry, i didn't drive) as bob may or may not have told you, i set an international record for the grossest amount of p.d.a. in a bar with a surfer from margarita island. it's amazing what 6 shots and 6 beers can do to your ability to reason out what is acceptable and what is the human equivalent to watching mating rituals on national geographic. he was nice enough, and actually gave me a surfing lesson last weekend, and i guess that's about all i have to say about that... i am going to close for now because someone is waiting to use this computer. i will give more updates and as soon as i get back to Sydney i will send pix. xoxoxoxoxoxox, -c- You can bother ms. caryn yourself, at carynecompton @ yahoo.com. And finally, some un-bad news. "Yesterday, 75 television executives from network affiliates descended on Capitol Hill to prevent the House appropriations committee from voting for a partial rollback of the FCC rule changes. Republican committee member Frank Wolf urged his colleagues to vote their conscience, and stand up to the lobbyists. And they did just that, delivering a 40-25 vote against big media. Conservative columnist William Safire wrote in today’s New York Times: 'Here is what made this happen: Take the force of right-wingers upholding community standards who are determined to defend local control of the public airwaves; combine that with the force of lefties eager to maintain diversity of opinion in local media; add in the independent voters' mistrust of media manipulation; then let all these people have access to their representatives by e-mail and fax, and voilà! Congress awakens to slap down the power grab.'" MoveOn.org. Happy weekend! 07.17.03 Evening Two of my residency at BB Wildlife Preserve was very similar to Evening One, except that I spent some time reading a book, called Hitchcock/Truffaut, a fascinating and very long flim-by-film interview of the former by the latter. I started at Notorious, because it's my favorite, and learned something about the (debatable) "longest screen kiss in history." While riding a train through France, Mr. Hitchcock espied a young couple walking beside the brick wall of a factory. The guy stopped to relieve himself (of urine), and the girl never left his arm, but just gazed about the countryside, back down at what he was doing, and then up at him again. Hitchcock thought this, the never separting part (and the watersports), was what "true love" meant, and therefore, some years later, Bergman and Grant had to shoot the pain in the ass 3-minute kiss scene, (of which Hitchcock said, "As a matter of fact, the actors hated doing it. They felt terribly uncomfortable at the way in which they had to cling to each other. I said, "I don't care how you feel; the only thing that matters is the way it's going to look on the screen."), which in my opinion (and I don't know much) resulted in about the hottest movie kiss I've ever seen. Anyway.....today's submissions: geeks4dean.com, passed on by Shalini. By the way, the long defunct Shaliniland is back in business! From Mr. Fox: Meowlingual. And this just in from Constance: Japanese Toymaker Goes Meowlingual. From E. Webster, this week's booze correspondent: Scotch Whiskey: A Rugged Drink for a Rugged Land. Every now and then I stumble upon something very obvious, like a large curb, or in this case, The Village Voice, which is a fine place to spend some time. One thing they like to do is gather and post daily headlines of interest, such as: 68 Bush Supporters Raise $8.6 Million for Campaign; 25 Million U.S. Cars Have 'Black Box' Recorders; Bush Defends Intelligence As 'Darn Good'; Neil Bush Admits to 'Perhaps 3 or 4' Asian Flings; DEMS SAY NAY ON GAY MARRIAGE. Mr. J. Hudson is quickly becoming a contributor of note. Today he writes: Hey, are you covering the Pat Robertson smiting down the Supreme Court Justices? You can tell your readers to visit his website (http://www.patrobertson.com/) where he is calling it Operation Supreme Court Freedom. In it, he quotes Thomas Jefferson… "You seem to think that the Supreme Court is the ultimate arbiter of constitutional interpretation, a very dangerous doctrine indeed and one that would place us under the tyranny of an oligarchy." to which Mr. Robertson says, "How wise Jefferson was." He must have forgotten that Jefferson also said, "Christianity is the most perverted system that ever shone on man." Thank you Jason! And thank YOU, for all you do. 07.16.03 - Day One of Itinerancy. Ever wondered what it would be like to live with Bob? After my first night in temporary residence with Mr. Brumfield, I can report that living with Bob is Hot and Dirty. But you knew that. Testimonials of Satisfied Customers, Part I: "Heather and I spent most of the evening on HK. It is what the internet should be - unsubstantiated instant fun!" Thanks Jay. If there're three things we like, they're unsubstantiated, instant, and fun. But perhaps you haven't noticed our commitment to journalistic untegrity, microlocal news, and dogmatism. Please readers, don't delay in sending your own Testimonial of Satisfaction today. If it makes Chairman Meow purr, we will post it on the Testimonial Wall of Fame. Jay would also like for you to Have an Om. And today at The Peoples' Reciplex: Brits Claim Earliest Lasagna Recipe: An alleged "medieval lasagna" recipe has been discovered by British researchers. From Underblog E.W. - How to Make the Perfect Martini, and The Perfect Martini. "Garnishing a Martini with an olive is like a putting a lawn jockey in front of Fallingwater." So, Roseanne has a new show, and here are a sampling of headlines: Roseanne's new reality show is too much to stomach; Roseanne feels the hot flashes of TV; Can Roseanne make nice? Roseanne Barr has, like, a new reality TV show; Press corps, nodding, stops off at a Barr. Oh, wait, that last one is positive. Anyway, what I'm waiting for is Ellen's new show. It's my first day back at work, which means I am busy formatting exciting word documents into exciting HTML documents. Shockingly, the Bush administration failed to name eco-enemy Idaho Gov. Dirk Kempthorne as new EPA adminstrator, going with current EPA official Marianne L. Horinko, at least for the interim. I hope Ms. Horinko is appreciating my attention to detail in marking up All Appropriate Inquiry Criteria Analysis/Comparison to State, Federal, and Commercial Assessment Approaches, June 10, 2003, Document Number: EPA-500-F-03-229. 07.15.03 How are you today? My head hurts. But look what Ms. Jill McElmurry, professional author, has done with our mascot. Now that is nice. And it reminds me: Happy Birthday to The Peoples Reciplex! Check out Comrade Dana King's sparkling new mission statement. So, last night ended at Pharmacy Bar, where Mr. Dunlap played a very special mixtape, and began at Fort Reno, where we managed to accidentally miss The Carlsonics, on the way to which I managed to accidentally dump a beer on my crotch, which looked really cool. (Right now there is a distracting commercial on for 2 Christian rock CDs called "Worship Together," 9.99 + shipping & handling. Ah, back to Croatian and Hungarian water polo.) SO, at Fort Reno I ran into Ms. Nancy X, semi-professional artist, and Ms. Amanda MacKaye, semi-professional musician, who has this to say: I have some shows with my band - The Deep Six - coming up that I hope you can make it to. Thursday July 24th, 7:15-9:30pm Fort Reno Park, Chesapeake St. and Nebraska Ave. in DC (Tenleytown) www.fortreno.com w/Velvet and French Toast *This is an everyone friendly show, early evening and outside - no smoke! I started coming to Ft. Reno when I was 14 it's a really cool program to support. It's free for all so think about buying a t-shirt or donating a couple bux to keep it happening. This is it's 35th year I think. Bring the kids! Friday August 1st, 9pm Black Cat, 1811 14th St. DC www.blackcatdc.com w/Karmella's Game and Sumac *4 months after our debut we return to the Black Cat on the day before my birthday More and more Bush parody sites (from Deb D.): Western White House & gwbush.com. Awesome idea, ESPN! Rush Limbaugh joins NFL pregame show. From Bobert: Calling All Annoying Virgins - Britney Spears' contrived chastity is no more. Who, pray who will step up to symbolize America? SF Gate. And from dear friend Jay, dad of Lily Star Hudson, a darling, unedited, drunken rant, some of which is about our OSU's exciting new scandal: "Apologies for the run ons in advance - it's the way my brain does/n't work. In an year (or 2 - hey, Enron is a little loose on their math too) when we have the Enron scandal (and noone in jail yet - I still have hope), resident Bush (and noone in jail yet - I still have hope), the Bush twins (and noone in jail yet - I still have hope), no WMD's (and noone in jail yet - I still have hope), we have to deal with TOSU's cheating star athlete. Krenzel (or whatever his name is, the QB) has a 4.0 in something really hard like molecular biology or some such mathalete major and he has to suffer the deserved ridicule of all because one (or probably a couple dozen) fellow athletes can't pass a relatively easy course (let's face it, wrapping your brain around a little history, even if it is new to you, is a lot easier than molecular whatchamacallit). I admit I am not a football fan, but this is ridiculous. Like the Enron fallout (where Arthur Anderson paid the ultimate price) and Bush's African uranium fallout (pun intended) (where he will get yet another fallguy to take the wrap for him) Ohio State emailed a defensive response to the NYT article. When our theocracy is bombing innocent people and has failed to find closure on a single election campaign promise (other than screwing the country and ultimately the world and lining their pockets in the process) isn't it about time we were allowed to call BS on BS?! Hey, Clarrett will never make in the pros anyway - he is too short. It's no wonder he sat out half the season with injuries. More importantly, while I'm ranting about BS, how about impeaching Bush (All Clinton did was be a horrible husband. Bush killed thousands of people.) The Republicans are quick to complain and the Democrats too slow. & While I am King for a Day, I'd like to get Paige, Sec. of Education, sent back to Houston where his cheating ass belongs (see NYT 7.11.03). "In the immortal words of the Clash, 'Give 'em enough rope.' I shouldn't drink beer and type." 07.14.03 New Planet! With the addition of Quaoar (pronounced, kweer) the Milky Way Conference may now be called the Big Ten. DC dwellers: tonight at Fort Reno, The Carlsonics. 7:15. Afterwards, see Mr. Dunlap's flyer at left. Big Brother Gets a Brain : The Pentagon's Plan for Tracking Everything That Moves. From the Village Voice. Country Roads Folk Festival, August 30 in WV. From Susan. Been to a barn dance lately? From the NYTimes, Ohio State to Examine Special Help for Clarett. I'm starting to wish big-school football would just detach from the NCAA and quit trying to pretend they're not for-profit, semi-pro minor leagues. This guy, who can't stay out of the papers, is probably illiterate. Go Bucks! 07.11.03 I am just not right today, possibly thanks to Em's "Pirate Punch" at Game Night. So, no update, or whatever we call these things. Entries in the Log. Arrr! But this from Nancy: (dc) 1460 Wall Mountables at DCAC through 9/7: Message: Adams Morgan's not just for drunken suburbanites and interns! No! From July 11 through September 7 at DCAC (2438 18th St., NW, upstairs), 1460 Wall Mountables features works by all kinds of people (even me!), as long as it fits in a 2' x 2' space. My piece is a mystical tour of the mustache. Actually, you can just see what you'd look like with one, and make one for yourself. Fun! Come on over to the opening, tonight, July 11, 7-9 pm! 07.10.03 Holy shit, it’s a This Is Your Life babe. She has the Linda Ronstadt hair your babysitter had in the 70s, the Olivia Newton-John pants your friend’s sister had in the 80s, and that Gwen Stefani top your first girlfriend had in the 90s. You’ve been jerking off about this girl for 25 years. Caught up on my Darnielle yesterday and sure was glad I did. Links and excerpts: Congregation: Someday we will all be buried up to our necks. It’s knowing this that makes love so sweet. Living + Music: Dear Editor, Please write about Schlippenbach. 100 Reasons Why "Ignition - Remix" Is So Damned Great: This is the remix to ignition Hot and fresh out the kitchen Mama rollin that body Got evey man in her wishin hate them: last time I played the Circle of Dead Children album the webmonster came into the kitchen and pronounced it "ridiculous" - not to be a dick about it but I knew right then that there had to be something to it Elephant in the Room: "Who’s the best rock band in the world?" I ask this kid. "I don’t really like rock," he says. Fair enough fair enough: I figure he’s gonna tell me he likes Eminem, or Tupac, or 50 Cent. "What do you listen to?" I say. "I like pop," he says. Viceland DO'S: I prefer the Do's, and this is my favorite. Because he notices her Linda Ronstadt hair and Olivia Newton-John pants. But mostly because he notices that she looks just like a Chick tract chick! I can't find the exact one, and it's not This Was Your Life, but believe me, it's uncanny. From Mudfetish.com: The Thong Song. (thanks Mart!) See also this collage: Elvis lives in Flash and Famous Star Wars kid. Good stuff. Last night I hung out with the Emerson Street kids, and others, at Aroma, where NPR was taping a story about Friendster - following around our Friendster Ayla, who "met" our Friendster Troy. Keep your ears peeled for this exciting semi-real story. Deportes jueves: Nike just bought Converse for $305 million. Now, it was one thing when Billie Jean King pissed off Jennifer Capriati, because Capriati's a bitch. It's another thing to piss off Lindsey Davenport, who's all class. Billie Jean's lineup for the Fed Cup: Chanda, Alexandra, Lisa and Meghann. Now here's a hell of an American team: USPS, by Sally Jenkins. Ah yes, and our Washington Mystics have lost 11 in a row. Geez. In between ignoring the doorbell, which has been rung three times this morning by relentless little Jehovah's Witness do-gooders clutching their Awake mags, I'm watching TCM's tribute to Katherine Hepburn. I just saw Holiday, and now Woman of the Year. This one's pretty cool. If I'm still sitting here by Philadelphia Story, someone come slap me. Or send a pizza. 07.09.03 New at www.chick.com: "Christian parents find themselves in a difficult situation. Educators are pushing Harry Potter, gushing over how bringing the occult into the classroom makes children more willing to read. But Christian parents know full well that glorifying witchcraft will make their children more willing to try it when they reach their teens, or when they are approached in college. And this explosion in occultic interest will produce a wave of demon-oppressed adults. They need answers to the questions by their children, and educators who now think that little witches are 'wonderful'." Well....today I got a bunch of pictures, because I don't feel like writing a bunch of thousand words. Mouseover for captions, mmkay? This is my brother. In December, he was shorter than me, and now he's taller than me. The kids got bored at the restaurant we went to and began crafting beautiful jewelry such as modeled here by Sean. He's a funny guy. Can't you tell? Mandy chose to strike this pose with her cellphone stuck in her ear. Everyone always thought Mandy would outgrow me and Jess. Haha! She stopped at five feet even. Mandy used her pie tin to create these Pilgrim-people. You know what's NOT a good thing to do with this stuff? Take a note Mr. Stoudamire: do not wrap your pot in aluminum and carry it through the airport metal detector. So, you might have heard I have some needs. I need a part-time job, I need a place to live, I need a beer. If you have one of these things, please write me. The Glove signed with the Lakers, which means I'll now have to root against my favorite player. It's possible that L.A.'s starting lineup will be Kobe, Shaq, Payton, Malone, and Pippen. Wasn't that a '90s Dream Team? Did you know When Doves Cry has no bass guitar? But it does have a lotta drum, so Curtis here played some drum. He also wore this sexy bandit mask. I know it looks silly now. But on stage it was just right. Here're some bad pics from the Purple Rain show. Ah, it was glorious. And look, they finally got a chick playing with them. In a bustier. Yay! 07.08.03 Today, at the American History Museum, which has an otherwise crap collection of pop culture artifacts, I saw: Oscar the Grouch in his can; The Fonze's jacket; Hawkeye's and Hunnicut's martini glasses (and Klinger's Mudhens pennant); a Fred Rogers' cardigan; and bestly, Edith and Archie Bunker's chairs. Ok, not working and not knowing where I'll be living in 2 weeks is less fun than