From: Jimi
Subject:missed connections

So I'm sure everyone is on the edge of their seats wondering what ever came of the 'missed connection' I received. Actually, you probably just assume that I had a good chuckle and that was the end of it. And I thought you knew me…

So I posted an RE: on missed connections and basically explained that I'm straight, but flattered and I apologized for any confusion that me looking like Freddy Mercury might have caused.

So then he responded directly to my post and emailed me.

So he seems nice in the email, and now I feel like I have to defend why I was looking at the m4m missed connections. Fair enough. Keep in mind I have no idea who this guy is, I don't remember him at all.

His response:

Ok, so flattery will truly get you anywhere. Maybe not into my pants, but I'll hang out with anyone and have a drink, at least once anyway. So I responded and told him that if I were one of his trickster friends I could think of funnier things to do than respond with 'I'm straight'. I basically tell him that I'll be at the gym every weeknight this week, maybe I'll run into him there. I figure this is less committal than a bar meet up, and its very public, etc. Oddly enough, my many gay encounters at the gym have given me a newfound respect for women and what they have to go through every day. Dudes are creepy. They will do weird things like a naked butterfly stretch in a closet sized sauna when you're just trying to watch Van Wilder 2: The Rise of Taj on your Ipod. And this being my first 'gay date' I was a bit apprehensive. Just for the record though, I don't think I could be more straight. You know how homophobic frat dudes are possibly so close to being gay that it scares them and they are just angry all the time and overcompensate? I'm the opposite. I've kissed guys before and it was super gross and not arousing in the least bit. So I can honestly say that I have done enough self examination and tried enough things in life to know where I stand on important things, like my sexuality. Anyway, back to my date with a gay guy.

So I'm sitting down, about to do the 'ol military dumbbell press, and this guy walks past me, does a double take, and smiles. So I take out my headphones, extend my hand to shake and say his name with a question mark at the end. He smiles and says yes, good to meet you etc.

Meanwhile I'm thinking, 'you've got to be kidding me.' I remember this guy and I now know why he thinks I was checking him out. It all comes together.

First, he is older, probably about 48, about 5'10'' gray hair, but wearing an old worn hat so you can only tell he's gray from the short beard. He looks tough as shit, but not like your typical gym, super built, will smith kinda guy. More like ex-special forces, spent some time in a pow camp, lived off of rain water and grubs kinda tough. He's not super thin, but he's lean and muscular. The reason I remember this guys is because I saw him look over at me that day and stare at the stache then look me in the eyes, and I thought he wanted to fight me. Not just fight me, but I thought he was thinking 'who is this asshole with the mustache, I'm going to rip his heart out with my bare hands and eat it.' I seriously thought this. He has such an intense look that I was afraid of being there at the same time as him for fear of him saying something or just a sucker punching me in the solorplexus –despite the fact that I am bigger than him. I guess I always think of the gym as prison, there's certainly enough parallels I guess. Anyway, so this is the guy that comes up to me. This is the missed connection. The guy that I was afraid of because I thought that he thought I was gay and I thought he wanted to beat me up.

You know how you sometimes get a weird or bad vibe from someone and you can tell within the first minute of meeting them that you want to stay as far away from them as possible? Well that didn't happen, in fact just about the opposite. He's super nice, and genuinely seems like a good guy. The conversation was a bit funny/ awkward at times and very similar to many first dates I've had, but he definitely seems like the kind of guy you'd love to grab a beer with and just hang out. A real man's man if you will. He is truly a man for men.

A couple hours later, when I arrived home from the gym I had this email in my 'box'.

Jenny, here is a little dispatch I received from a friend of mine who participated in the caucus on Saturday. I thought you might find it entertaining. I have her permission to share it and I have edited it to protect the identities of both the innocent and the guilty.

Hope you're fine,

Suzanne

That hot stache (above) landed our Jimi in the Richmond Craigslist Missed Connections, m4m. Note: Jimi checks out mens at the gym.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: REDACTED
Date: 2008-03-09, 10:20PM EDT

You were working out on Sunday about 2 p.m. on 3/2. We checked each other out, looked later and you were gone. Hit me back, describe your stach and what you were wearing if you're interested. I'm there most Sundays, first time I'd seen you.

Annie and Michael Dogsit Barksdale, that Bongz May Travel South for Birthday Happening.

From: Annie
Subject: Barky

We just got him to stop crying! Its party time from here on out. Okay so he's still wimpering a lil and also maybe just farted.

From: Dave

if anyone wants homebrew beer,
and you buy one of these kits:
Northern Brewer Ale Kits
and some One Step cleaner:
Northern Brewer Sanitizers
and 5 gallons of water, I'll make it. Or show you how to make it. I'll
be making a cream stout and another batch of oatmeal stout in the next
couple of weeks, but if you got a nice spring/summer beer now it'll be
ready by early/mid may.

From: Anisha

I just bought an American Wheat Beer kit ("a spritzy, refreshing warm-weather crowd-pleaser") and the cleaner so maybe we can have a house beer brewing tutorial night when they arrive?? It'll kind of be in the vein of the Emerson House Lecture Series idea we came up with last summer.

From: Dave

I'd be happy to host that. It's pretty easy to learn and culturally important. Brewing goes back at least 5000 years, so you could say it's more significant than writing.

me: WHERE HONOR RULES

Brian: this is no time and no matter for jokes
gary gygax was the brilliant and erratic father of gaming culture,
the ur-nerd who shone a pale light in the suburban darkness,
the wizard of lake geneva,
and we are poorer for his loss
there will be an empty seat at the gaming table, old friend

"may all your hits be crits"

From: Suzanne

OMG!! Can't even wait, can you???? Well hold on, it's coming!

This Saturday, celebrate International Womyn's Day in a BIG WAY w/

Bananz: Skeee do bat bat! Back in town for one night only!!!
Jubilee: Featuring DC's own dapper dyke hunk on the banjo and the drum troll experimentin' on the pots and pans
Koralie, aka Sugar Hill: DC ex-pat on fiddle, banjo, accordion, heart-strings all the way from Oakland.
Secrets Btwn Sailors: Introducing their fresh Spring line of raaawww cuddle-core!
new songs!!! new talents!!! new outfits!!!

Saturday, March 8th
Doors: 7pm Music: 8pm sharp! (we got a dance party to tend to immediately following!**)
Prime Meridian
1403 meridian pl. nw
Contact Suzanne for more info: 732-829-5901

$3-$5 sliding scale. $7 for show AND super awesome house party to follow with dj's, beer, booze, snacks, bday cake and mega hotness!!
**no one will be turned away for lack of funds

$$$ benefits the Ladies Lounge; a support, life skills and leadership development program for DC area young lesbian, bisexual and questioning women. LL is a program of SMYAL. www.smyal.org for more info.

** Deep Sea Blow Out Dance Party to follow at 11pm! Come to show dressed for the party and get a kiss from a Sailor! Email Suzanne for the official party Evite if you haven't already received it. (suzannemarieh@gmail.com)

***Also check out the Mini Film Fest in Celebration of Working Women immediately beforehand
@ La Casa- 3166 Mt. Pleasant Street NW.
6-7:30pm. $4-$7 towards sending local sex worker activists to the International Harm Reduction Conference in Barcelona! contact Anai @ 202-986-2793 for more info.

My life with Mary Matalin, by Coach

I've been totally swept into the atomic dustbin of obama fervor, so you can imagine my disarm when i realized my very own mate absentee ohio voted for hrc!

A guerilla in my midst!

I guess I shoulda realized I was sleeping with a 2nd waver when, upon leaving "no country for old men," I'm all gaga and she's all, why weren't there more women in that movie? I guess we're both bandwagonesque in our own rights.

But anyway--I'm jokin, and obviously support free thinking and women's lib and I don't really think you're 2nd wave, honey. The real crisis is not that my mate and I primary differently, it's that lately, I've found myself a closet hrc fan. I think I'm cursed with a sort of John Hughes loyalty, in that, whoever seems like the underdog, I'll get behind. So Obama's 12 primary streak sent me straight to the comforting bosom of Mama Clinton.

Also, I hate to see someone lose. I remember when Bush 1 lost re-election, and even tho my folks voted Clinton, my Mom mentioned, "It's kind of sad when you get kicked out after one term." Rationally, it's not sad at all! But then, think about your Grandpa or Grandma running for rotary board re-election and getting soundly trounced by some young upstart cruising around in their Rascal scooter, and you'll feel a twinge heart-strung, too. That's how I felt for Bush 1. That's how I felt for hrc, with that plastered defeated grin, that arhythmic clapping, and that god-awful, nasal, lesbian-director-of-a-non-profit speech delivery.

So, I've effectively quantum-leaped back to freshman year of college. I'm listening to Indigo Girls, putting a rectangular rainbow sticker on my bike, and wearing unflattering clothes. Of course, all this could change, if Hillary regains the lead.

Drag queen bonus: I donate the persona Hillary Bottom-Splittin to the cause of gay parody.

Why's it got to be this way?

From: Debs
Subject: The Double Standard

A coworker just presented me with a print out of a picture of Hillary Clinton's face superimposed on the wicked witch of the west. The caption reads "Fly my pretties! Fly! Bring me the presidency!"

I said, "Don't give this to me. You know I like her."

He said, "I know, but it's just too funny."

I hate to sound like a grouchy old feminist, but I don't think it is.

Did you see the op ed in the Boston Globe?
The double standard

Grrr. Why not just superimpose Hil's face on a toothed vagina? Why's it got to be this way?

From: Brian
Subject: adultery

The following spam emails arrived at my work address this morning.

I though you would enjoy them for the endearingly earnest yet
plaintive sexual yearning.

-- I wanted to experiment with new experiences.

-- The person's physical appearance turned me on.

-- I wanted to try out new sexual techniques or positions.

-- I wanted to see what it would be like to have sex with another person.

Critical Roseanne Update

From: cg, "green bean," in NYC
Subject: Celebrity sighting.

I cant take her photo bc thats lame but im currently on a train with the original becky from roseanne. She has white hair with cotton candy pink and blue highlights.
Hot.
Also on the train with pneumonia....Hot.
cg

West Virgina

From: Bob
Subject: great letter to the editor from my hometown paper

"Fuck the elections. Here's some issues."

Cowell and others should be nicer

I am writing again concerning "American Idol" and show biz criticism. On one show last week, Simon Cowell told a young man that he would be better off not trying to go into the music business. He said the young man was not that good. I feel that was very, very rude! If he had to let him down, why wasn't he a little kinder? I would never be rude to someone.

John Travolta said on an episode of "Biography" on A&E that when he was young, a person in the entertainment business said he would be better off doing something else and not acting. John Travolta said, "I just smartly disregarded him." That was a sensible reaction, but some people are not able to handle that as confidently as John Travolta did.

Why can't Simon Cowell be nice? Paula and Randy were nice. That is how people need to be.

Well, I'll keep watching "American Idol," but I'll pray that people be nicer to each other in this world.

Teresa K. Howard

Huntington

Ohio

From: Tess
Subject: unglamorous Ohio

Hillary, Buckeye Girl, By Gail Collins, NYT.

this was an interesting article – is it an accurate portrayal of ohio? Since my dad is german and my mom is just strange (and not from the Midwest), I've never been sure what/how much of my childhood was standard Midwestern...

From: me

bob spent all morning extolling the virtues of this column/columnist.

"she is as cooked as reheated risotto" ??

yeah, totes unglamorous. khakis. shirt by Gap.

but how about this goodie? sent by connie.

(Our high school swim coach jailed for rape)

From: Tess

Wow! Poor UA. did bob not like the risotto line? I thought it was okay, having made risotto many a time and understanding it as a dish in which rice gets very, very cooked.

From: me

that's what HE said. i was the one scoffing...

From: Mart

I thought the risotto line - while Tess and Bob got the joke - was sort of the opposite of "unglamorous Ohio". Did your mom every tackle a constant labor dish like Ristotto? Mine sure as hell didn't. Though maybe she'd try an out of the box variety found next to her favorite all-in-one combo box spaghetti dinner from Kraft. But she's still fuck it up and have to throw out the pan.

Speaking of bad cooking, thought I would share some thoughts on Emily's mom Karen's terrible cookery from her submission to be on a new Bobby Flay show searching for the worst cooks in America a friend of mine is working on.This is the real OHIO. Thought you guys might find it amusing - even more so if you know Karen.

Written by Emily Davies: Lived to tell the tale

From: Julie

Hi,

Oh my god, I almost peed my pants last night when I read Emily and Cara's accounts of their mom's cooking. For the record, I actually think risotto is better reheated. It absorbs all of the extra juices so it's less crunchy than the original, because I get too lazy to keep adding more liquid.

My mom tried pretty hard, but "homemade" definitely meant a mix out of a box, and Pam was spayed on every cooking surface (usually a plug-in electric skillet). I could spend all day on this, but for the time being:

1. "salad" ingredients: cottage cheese, red Jello powder, cool whip, canned peach slices
2. spaghetti-Os with sliced hot dogs
3. hot dogs raw (plenty of preservatives)
4. toasted white bread with margarine dunked in hot chocolate (Ovaltine)
5. 1/2 and 1/2 on sugared cereal (Tess won't let me forget this one . . . my mom thought it was like the milk she had growing up in Nebraska, with the cream still on the top)
6. And yes, fried bologna, in Pam of course.

It's surprising we didn't all have type 2 diabetes before we became vegetarians. Which reminds me that my first year of vegetarianism consisted of baked potatoes slathered with cheese product. And Tess, your house was definitely an exception. The first time I had lentils was at your house when I was sixteen, and I thought it was really exotic.

Julie

1. EMO

From: Brian
Subject: my heart's an autoclave

did you borrow that mountain goats cd?
it is magnificent
my favoritest one in years
plus it features jon wurster from superchunk on the tubs
superchunk + mountain goats = awesomeness

Autoclave | (lyrics)

2. SEEDS

From: SallyP
Subject: doomsday vault

Okay, according to movies, this is not good.

1. Our next president is probably going to be black or a woman.

2. They are building a DOOMSDAY VAULT!

These are very clear cut signs that the future is upon us, and we are about to be hit by a giant meteor. I learned this from watching movies. Please start making your way towards Norway, asap.

xo,
sarah

3. JACK'S, THE ONLY OSCARS REVIEW YOU NEED.

From: Jack
Subject: ENJOY!

The White Party

4. PROFANITY

From: Neil
Subject: Go Cubs?

As you may or may not know, I am a baseball fan. It is my favorite sport, and the only one i even follow enough to be called a fan of it. Specifically, I am a Chicago Cubs fan. As it will be made explicitly clear this season, this marks the 100th anniversary of the last ChiCubs series championship. And to properly sum up the Cubs last 99 years, i give you a post- day-game tirade by forgettable Cubbie skipper Lee Elia , after the Cubs suffered a one-run home loss to the Dodgers in April 1983.

Love,

Obi Kenobi

5. A CAMPAIGN TO MAKE WOMEN SEEM LAME

From: Miriam
Subject: your other career

wow, jenny, i had no idea you created these hilarious cartoons in addition to your full-time job AND hk! why so modest? and where DO you find the time?!

me: hahahaha
miriam: :D
isn' that weird?
me: awesome
miriam: it's such a lame-ass cartoon
me: its confusing because it looks like Marvin
miriam: i know!
i think it must be the same person?
me: oh, and it's called Marvin
miriam: oh, yeah, there's that
me: jenny miller did not draw marvin
miriam: i really think the name of that comic is so gross and smug
BELLY LAFFS
me: it must be a parody
miriam: oh wait...
maybe jenny miller is the name of the mom character in marving!?
marvin*
and she's a writer!
me: OH!
miriam: yes, that's it!
you are marvin's MOM!
me: shit
miriam: these are so AWFUL
i'm going to send you another

me: these are so not funny
miriam: i know!
way to perpetuate the stereotype of women not being comedic
miriam: it's especially galling b/c isn't marvin written by a man?
me: go find out
miriam: ha.
yes, sir
yes, written by one tom armstrong
me: bastard
miriam: totally!
he's on a campaign to make women seem lame

Sunday Night Taint

From: Kristina
Subject: Djing at Taint Sun. 2/17

It's a presidential Taint! Come out and dance to the candidate who's
black AND a woman! After you get done with watching the Wire (oh
snap...Marlo disbanded the co-op? Randy's back? Omar can fly? What's
gonna happen next?!?!), stop through DC9 and dance away your
post-primary voting fatigue. It's a three-day weekend, so stay up late
and party with the Taint kids. I'll be spinning from 11 pm 'til
closing.

TAINT: TWO PRESIDENTS, ONE HOLIDAY
SUNDAY FEBRUARY 17, 2008 @ DC9 (1940 9th St. NW)
DOORS @ 9PM, $5, 21 AND UP
FEATURING DJ K LA ROCK, OPENING DJ HELEN KELLER

Join the folks at TAINT for a HOLIDAY SUNDAY party featuring K La
Rock, one of the founding members of the First Ladies DJ Collective -
an all-female dj crew based in Washington, DC dedicated to breaking
the "vinyl ceiling." Since 2002, she's moved crowds up and down the
East Coast with a delectable blend of electrofunk, booty bass,
italo-disco, dance-skronk and more.

From: JHotdish
Subject: hey there, bacon tits

dear jenny,

i cannot begin to explain the joy you have brought to my life on this vd day. every time i look at the dirtfarm valentines, i bust out laughing. in fact, i think they're like wine - they get better with age. each time i look at them, they get funnier and funnier. i mean, cutting cheese? BRILLIANT! i know you didn't create these, but your posting them just reconfirms my faith in jenny christ, superstar. yay!

lots of love and kisses,
jaime

From: Grandma
Subject: FW: Clean can be fun

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a
very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything
you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.

*****************************************
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into
the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,
'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

Chat with Bob

bob: keri writes: Happy Valentine’s Day to all. And to those who
hate the day, I say this: Valentine’s Day is a Christian corruption
of a pagan festival involving werewolves, blood and fucking. So wish
people a happy Horny Werewolf Day and see what happens.
me: nice
bob: agreed.
horny werewolf day is infinitely more appealing

From: Brian
Subject: barack and roll

quote of the day, from an msnbc comment board...

African Americans are getting it right. The issues don't matter to
them. Only that he is one of their own. They are so much smarter than
women in our country. It's too bad women will never learn.

From: 99 Sense
Subject: know you like-a punnany

but sometimes you need some dick to do the job.
check today's entry: Head N!&%a In Charge

and thanks for all the links. your ephemera game is firm.

-kim

Chat with Matt

Matthew: Phone Sex Grandma
me: i love this movie
Matthew: it's amazing
Matthew: the best part is when she's takign a piss and pretending to be asian
me: i havent gotten that far
Matthew: or in the tub pretending to be black
me: hahahaha

From: Someone named Lana
Subject: Kitty porn...?

I was looking at this in the office and Christen Greene told me to send you this.

Cute orange kitten

From: Debs
Subject: from my workplace

I took a picture of a sign that had been posted in the women's bathroom.

As you will note, instead of taking down the sign once the sink was fixed, a simple hand-written addendum was added. I believe this is evidence of a larger organizational problem.

From: cigatalines@infocig.com
Subject: link exchange

Dear Webmaster,

My name is Helga and I’m the owner of a new realistic sexdolls blog http://realisticsexdolls.blogspot.com/.
Now I'm seeking for new friends and partners.
I want to propose you to exchange links with your blog for visitors interchange.

I'm sure our cooperation will be useful for our visitors.

Please, review my suggestion and give me the answer.

Hope to hear from you soon!

--
Best regards,
cigatalines

From: Sarah Bolen
Subject: New song posted

It's an Aerosmith cover. Can you believe that? Me neither. What It Takes, myspace.

From: tastybacon (aka, 99 Sense)

It seems that I have this undeniable urge to become the internet. Maybe I'm bored. Maybe I'm afraid of face to face interaction. I don't know really, all I can say is that I can't stop myself from doing kind of weird things with my computer.

Last week I started uploading some of my 99 Sense pictures to Fickr, because I think they're interesting enough to stand on their own without my saying anything. I start browsing through Flickr, adding my pics to different groups so they get seen. Couldn't find an appropriate group to post my pictures of Sweet Love douche. So I started my own group and called it Not So Fresh Feeling, and started soliciting pictures dealing with "that time of the month" from other Flickr users. I know, weird. I'm totally not the kind of girl that embraces that branch of her femininity, in fact, I curse it much like Hank The Angry Drunk Dwarf.

But anyhoo, I did that. And Slut Machine, my blogging hero, and Jezebel's patron saint of all things like sex, bad television and other amazing awful things I love picked it up today, and posted it on Jezebel.com.
Check it out. Period Pieces

and also check out the Flickr photo stream. There's no real blood, guts, or uterine lining (even I have limits) and I promise you will probably laugh. You know how I like that.
Not So Fresh Feeling

Have a wonderful day,
-kim

life, continually cheapened: 99 Sense

From: Brian
Subject: Sgt. Pepper's: The Musical!

WHAT:
A showing of the hit 1978 film based on the music of the Beatles.

WHERE:
Emerson Street house

WHEN:
Thursday, 9 pm

WHY:

"The great thing about it is that there's no actual dialogue. Even
when the Bee Gees are talking to one another, it's all through song or
George Burns's voiceover, so they don't have to act except in a broad
physical way." -- Miriam

"There are certain films that seem to be made just to put the
tolerance of a badfilm watcher to the test. This film has its place in
that pantheon, right between 'Can't Stop the Music' and 'Santa Claus
Conquers the Martians.'" -- some guy on IMDB

Yes, you read that correctly. The movie stars the Bee Gees and George Burns!

I look forward to seeing you there!

love...
brian

From: Dave
Subject: Saturday: Celebrate reggae month w/ potluck

Jamaican Prime Minister Announces February as First Ever 'Reggae Month'

When your children ask you, "What did you do for the first Reggae Month?", don't you want to be able to tell them you celebrated in the best way you knew how? By coming to Emerson St and enjoying all things Jamaican. Saturday night we'll be having a Jamaican potluck. Bring all things of the island: patties, aloo pie, mannish water, jerks and curries, salt cod, callaloo, plantains, and Jamaican brownies. Also welcome would be Red Stripe, Malibu, or any other Jamaican intoxicant you enjoy. I have been told for entertainment we will be watching Cool Runnings all night with Toots & the Maytals CDs filling our 100-disc changer. If you're a fan of Jamaican showers, you might be interested in checking out the Jamaican hot tub? Bring a friend, see you there!