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05.31.03 05.30.03 WE HAVE A LOT TO COVER TODAY. So let's get busy. There happen to be a bunch of intriguing films coming out, including: American Mullet, Finding Nemo, The Italian Job, Spellbound, and Wrong Turn, a movie about Bob's and Caryn's ilk: "A group of young people is stranded in the West Virginia wilderness and find themselves hunted by a band of inbred, disfigured cannibal mountain men." Yay! Salam's story: "The most gripping account of the Iraq conflict came from a web diarist known as the Baghdad Blogger. But no one knew his identity - or even if he existed. Rory McCarthy finally tracked him down, and found a quietly spoken, 29-year-old architect." From the Guardian. (shalini) The Whiskey Bar serves up: the administration's weapons of mass destruction timeline o' bullshit.
Speaking of LPTJ, check out Perseverance, wherein Mr. Darnielle weaves a tale of Lightning Bolt, Load Records, and unlucky Tigers pitcher Mike Maroth. Have you been wondering where the better WNBA players spend their winter vacations? The answer is South Korea, and our own kickass (yet precious as a doily) Chamique Holdsclaw reports. And for you 2 people who give a darn about race and basketball, The Foreign Invasion of the American Game is an interesting little read from the Village Voice. It's Buffy's World, We Just Live In It, the TVw/oPity final recap. Sigh. Now I'll have to start reading their Sorority Life analyses. Cincinnati: Wanted Man Busted by Baseball 'Kiss Cam' (dave) HK READERS! WE NEED YOUR HELP! A certain reader submitted this dream for shrinkage. Please send your helpful interpretations to the kitty.
Much posting has been happening over at the beloved BFF. Notably, and with much sadness, came the announcement of the passing into kitty-heaven of one Ida Malone, feline daughter of Troy and Katie. And then BFF returns to its usual programming of boozing highlights. Super Minnesota Geek J. Shaffer reports:
And on that note of blatant blog theivery, HK wraps up the Weekend Edition. Tune in tomorrow or the next day for MORE MORE MORE!!!
This made Bob and I weepy, but we are pathetic sentimental losers: Not Drunk, by Leslie Harpold. Michael F. gets published! "OK, here it is. My first commercial publication comes out in October. Fodor's Guide to the Lewis and Clark Trail. I wrote the introduction and the sidebar boxes in the text. yay. oh, and that's me leading the pack train. It's mostly beer." Congratulations! You are now living the Dream, beerhound. What do you think? The Spam Epidemic. Go sign another damn petition: Support the Democrats' Fight Against Bush's Extreme Judges My super cousin, Robyn Roberts Palmershein, inspired by my Xanadu nostalgia (in fact, my Winamp shuffler just now started playing I'm Alive) recently purchased the Xanadu DVD. The Palmersheins are wine people. (See, we're first cousins once removed. As you know, my people are whiskey and beer people.) So Robyn has hatched a plan to buy a vineyard in Napa, called Xanadu Vines, we sell good wine. She offered me a job as a grape crusher. Q. #27: Why are so many women turning to lesbianism? Dear Kitty: Do you have any advice regarding buying a new laptop? I don't know anything about computers but my Cloud mom has very generously offered to buy me a new laptop for my 30th birthday and has given me some money for one. What should I get? I don't do much, but I'd like something that will accomodate two writers, one email/web junkie, two aspiring digital video maker/editors and at least one aspiring ipod owner. Sure, I don't even know what an MP3 is now, but come on, I have a decent learning curve. I really trust the kitty and her advisor(s) and am curious as to what they would do if they had an $1800 computer-earmarked windfall. I currently own a 1997 Winbook XL and it is in very failing health. It only powers up sometimes. Love, C Dear Constance: Sounds like you and yours are gonna be Mac people from now on, which makes sense as I happen to know your introduction to compoots was a 9-inch Mac Plus circa 1989. Mac people tend to be snobby, and/or defensive, which goes against the Constance humility grain, but nevertheless: Luckily for you, the Powerbook G4 starts at $1799. It's fast and purty and iPod compatible, and OSX allegedly never crashes. Course, 12 inches is on the tiny side (for some things), and for some reason an upgrade to 15" costs another thousand bucks or so. I have this Dell, which is top o' the line-ish for PC laptops, starts at $1399, is 15.5" and it's alright with me. But, I don't have an iPod and I don't do video stuff. Of course, there are other mp3 players besides iPods, not as thrilling design-wise, but still. I the kitten, however, unlike my woefully ambivalent help, always has a definitive answer, which is this: go for the Powerbook, and buy the biggest and bestest you can. If you want to hem and haw some more, write to JM direct. If you want to hear from someone who's actually qualified to speak about Powerbooks, write Mr. Dave Dunlap Jr. at ddunlap @ washcp.com. He loves to share his knowledge AND his whiskey. Thanks Dave! If anyone else wants to give Ms. Chang two cents, write HK.
05.28.03 Also from Shalini, mathematical proof that Bush is Evil. And, for serious now, the Bush-Hitler connection. Dave sent this hilarious video by Electric Six, who brought us Gay Bar! Danger! High Voltage. This cool chick writes about animal sex. Move Over, Dr. Dolittle: Olivia Judson Advises Those Bitten - and Consumed - by the Lovebug. Here's a quiz: in what species does the girl-animal "plunge her proboscis into his head" during sex. "Her spittle turns his innards to soup, which she slurps up, drinking until she's sucked him dry." How can anyone not love evolution? June 4-6 in DC: the National Progressive Conference to TAKE BACK AMERICA. Our man HOWARD DEAN will speak! The agenda is here. Mike lent me an Azure Ray CD. Mike won't read my site or call me, but he does give me good music. Here's a pretty song: Sleep. Don't forget to check out GIRLS ARE PRETTY. And here is a pic my mom sent to me and a hundred people. I wish I were a dolphin. Then I wouldn't be tempted to care about this: the gay reality TV report from Lisa de Moraes of the Post: A Dating Game With No Straight Answers.
05.27.03 Ugh. It's been a long and draining weekend. Excuse me while I get all bloggy. Yesterday I drove to Hanover, PA and took my uncle Jon and his lady friend Judy to Baltimore to play. I am not a good host nor trip leader. I didn't know what to do with them, and I griped about the weather a lot. Certainly the highlight was touring the USS Constellation, the last all sail warship built by the Navy. It's right in Inner Harbor, so check it out. The other highlight was Judy spending $60 on palm readings. Then she gave me a palm reading. Judy the amateur psychic (and professional psych nurse) sees me as a home and business owner. She says I will have a bar/bookstore/coffeeshop with two she-friends, one of whom will have a wealthy father who will finance our venture. I will take up new hobbies, like painting (or sculpting), and while I won't be "good" at painting (or sculpting), I will be "excited" about painting (or sculpting). She sees little human adoptees in my future. She also sees a sick number of cats. "Huge cat vibe. I see you as one of those cat ladies." So, uh, girls with rich daddies? Let's get on this. Meanwhile, my grandma is tending to my greatgrandma in the nursing home. This is causing my grandma to become a total basketcase. I share a room with her when I sleep over, and last night she talked, loudly, in her sleep, ALL NIGHT LONG. She was talking about my greatgrandma, as usual, just as if she were awake. Which she was not. Twice I said, "Grandma, it's not time for talking." This would quiet her for maybe 5 minutes. I saw my greatgrandma last night, too. She is a tiny 80 lbs., with oxygen tubes up her nose. She can't see. It's, mmm, awful. Before I left she made sure to tell me it was a "shame" for a "woman of 40" to be without "a home or family." I'm 30, greatgrandma. "Thirty's bad enough! You need to settle down! Always going out all the time." Hm. Well, I'm not homeless, greatgrandma, and I do have family. I am HERE aren't I? "You know what I mean. And you KNOW I'm right." Sigh. When I open my very successful bar/bookstore/spro-shoppe, I believe I shall name it Irene's House of Fun. Or maybe, The Nursing Home. Portland friend Tess just sent me this:
Argh! Agh! Carrie (or maybe Corrin) lives two doors down from my blissfully un-starstruck friend! Oh, Carrie (or Corrin) is going to LOVE me! From Danar: New updates on the Reciplex have been posted at last! * Browse recipes according to vegetarian and non-vegetarian categories
Thanks! Clear Channel Protest Thursday in DC: Stop the FCC Media Giveaway! National day of protest to stop the media monopoly. May 29, 2003, 12:30 PM, (the Thursday before the FCC votes to dramatically deregulate the media). At Clear Channel, 1620 L. Street, NW, #600 (metro: Farragut North). If you're feeling generous, you can give $ to moveon.org's ad campaign. Ok, I have more stuff, a lot more fun stuff - wedding news, interviews,
queries for the kitten, more on the California uncle and aunt-like person
(they were homeless for 6 months!), etc., but I'm too tired and have all
this dern work stuff to do today. Thanks for your patronage and patience.
Love. J. 05.23.03 Funny Booze Ads, from Modern Drunkard. HK bowling buddy M. Weiner reviews The Matrix: Did I miss something or is it still the 1990s? Do you believe you are a fairy trapped in the body of a human? You're
not alone. Attention Bob! And Bob-like people. Here's a collection of two-headed twin pics! By the reverse cowgirl. I'm sorry - that IS a two-headed kitten. :( 05.22.03 Some politics: 1.) On June 2nd, the FCC is going to vote to allow further media consolidation. For more on this decision visit The Future of Music Coalition, or Go to a meeting. 2.) Get on the Dean bandwagon, and 3.) Oppose the Federal Marriage Amendment. (Fritz and Caryn). Music: I put up some songs I like. Please make my efforts meaningful by downloading a few. Apples in Stereo: Benefits of Lying; Death Cab for Cutie: Movie Script Ending; Beulah: If We Can Land a Man On the Moon, Surely I Can Win Your Heart; New Pornographers: New Face of Zero and One; Quasi: It's Raining; Built to Spill: Strange; Mountain Goats: Fall of the Star High School Running Back; Bright Eyes: The Movement of a Hand, A Line Allows Progress, A Circle Does Not. Love: Or something like it. The Vice Guide to Being Totally Crushed Out.
Some dudes will always want to pay younger guys to fuck. Do the Hustle! Says Dillon the whore, "[My girlfriend] knows, and she doesn't like it. The thing is, I'm paying for her, her mom, and my daughter to have a nice place over by Irving Plaza. All they pay is the phone bill." I just have to ask, why do dudes get to be called hustlers? From Vice. The Kitten's getting a lot of mail, and she sure is pleased about that. She'll take one today from a certain lapsed Reciplex chef and philosophy major.
Send your Very Important Questions to the kitten. Have a nice Thursday. Love, JM, HK, & Co. 05.21.03
Please provide some information on fourth finger length and the ability to parallel park. Thanks very much. dear DM, you are probably worrying you might be straight or something, right? well, yes, your predispostion to ladies or gents might be apparent by your, ahem, finger length. according to a three-year old study i never saw before yesterday, hetero ladies tend to have index fingers which are CORRECTION longer than, or about the same length as their ring fingers, whereas men and lesberados usually have significantly longer ring fingers. this has to do with levels of androgen exposure in the womb. this business about prenatal male sex hormones gets even more interesting when you look at the guys, as there is evidence that a.) gay men may be exposed to MORE testosterone than straight dudes, because b.) the queers usually have older brothers. ah, science. and yes, my personal assistant jm has very studly hands. PDF of the study from Nature, the the HTML, the ABC News version, and another story. we would like to conduct our own highly scientific study, so please check your hands and get back to the kitten. be sure to include your assessment of your parallel parking abilities. Jayson Blair is pretty despicable. Unrepentant Blair Taunts 'Idiot' Editors. Oh, racism made him do it. What a punk. Here's the Onion's infographic. Dan Savage: BILL,
ASHTON, RICK. From Bobby. Andrew Beyer on Julie Krone and Thomas Boswell on Annika Sorenstam: Numbers Alone Expose a Bad Lie. So nice to have decent sports columnists on your local paper, ain't it? Christine Whitman resigned from the EPA today. She was kinda sorta in a way my Big Boss. I'm sure she will be replaced by someone entirely evil. In memory of the environment, M. Fox sent this Dodo, the official mascot of the Bush administration EPA. Thanks, peeps. Don't forget to send the kitten your vitals. 05.20.03
Shalini nominates this week's tasteless spam subject: Pound her meat tunnel. Did you know? Our very own D. Dunlap appeared in 3,000 Miles to Graceland. Metallica vs. Iraqis. From Matt Cowal: Metallica song used to interrogate Iraqis. "Sergeant Mark Hadsell told Newsweek magazine: 'These people haven't heard heavy metal before. They can't take it.'" Attention Mac nerds: LPTJ's John Darnielle seriously geeks out on the new iTunes store.
05.19.03 Old and Alone ranked fairly high, and this very week might be the last for my poor little old great-grandma, Irene Roberts, born in Kentucky in 1906. I won't write her obit yet, but I'll say she led a pretty satisfying life until about 4 years ago when her hip broke. Following the hip-breakage, as often happens, everything went to shit. There's really no way to overstate this: dying with dimentia, in a nursing home, broken-hearted and bitter, blows. So last weekend I went up to visit and gave her my cold, which now appears to be killing her. I don't really know what to say about that.
Trix McGinnis sends us WEEK
IN CRAIG: THE GREAT MESH CAP DEBATE, and
In briefs:
05.18.03 Coming to your neighborhood GAP next winter: A Hat That's Way Cool. Unless, of Course, It's Not. "R.I.P. the trucker hat, a fashion statement that traveled from downtown to the mall so swiftly it is still below the radar of most mainstream fashion publications, even as some hipsters themselves seem unaware it has been declared over." The New York Times in the blogosphere: Dating a Blogger, Reading All About It. Seems some bloghos aren't as conscientious about their peeps' privacy as is HK. And A New York State of Blog. 05.17.03 From the Post: "Some high-profile crimes since the movie's 1999 release have allegedly been committed without any obvious motive other than attempts to escape The Matrix." You know, I'm not so sorry I didn't run out and join a commune when I was 20. From Michael F., The Story of Big Fun. "The purpose of this glossary is to give the reader an idea of state-of-the art youth hedonism as it exists in Central Virginia in the late 1990s." Blasphemy from Fred: Dress Up Jesus. From Bob: iquit.org. For quitters and quitter wanna-bes. Finally, this made me cry: Soul on Ice , by Steve Rushin. 05.16.03 The Sports Guy Stock Report. Even if you don't care about the NBA you'll like this column. Ok, you probably won't. But, y'know, it's got people you've heard of like, "Jack Nicholson ... apparently he's taken his "Drunk and somewhat delirious guy in sunglasses at the awards shows" persona and merged it with his "Guy at the Lakers game" persona. He's about two more vodka-and-tonics away from pulling a Calvin Klein at the Staples Center. Hey, not that we'd be against it." Thank you, Dave D. Kim K, of Philadelphia: ok miss kitty-know-it-all, I have a question
for you. I live across the street from a very old, in american terms,
Thanks Kitten-who-isn't-me. She'll get to the rest of you this weekend. From Shalini: San Francisco is No. 1 -- in books and booze: Survey distills purchasing habits in U.S. cities . DC spends the most on "Entertainment." Here's the Booze & Books chart. Yesterday I received a forwarded missive from my webhost, from the International Federation of the Phonographic Industry, which read in part: "We are asking for your immediate assistance in stopping this unauthorized activity. Specifically, we request that you remove the infringing files from your system. In addition, please inform the site operator of the illegality of his or her conduct. In addition, under the Digital Millennium Copyright Act, if you ignore this notice, you and/or your company may also be liable for any resulting infringement." Thusly I have removed a buncha mp3s. From Ranger Ted: My Calving Diary, by DeeAnn Price. "9 a.m. Calf #47 has sucked one hind teat. I note that his mom has a bad bag, thick long teats in front and short ones in the back. It will only get worse with age so I'll put her down on next fall's "sell" list. I leave the barn door open knowing the cow will coax her offspring out." Complete with doomed-cows-eating-placenta-photos! Go check on Deb and her toilet paper problem, and please come back tomorrow for more more MORE of the same. Thanks, J&HK. 05.15.03
From Shalini (and the wall street journal): Shirk Ethic: How to Fake A Hard Day at the Office. See also Don's Boss Page. Some gadgetry and trickery for officebots. Bob's favorite militant group name ever: Salafist Group for Preaching
and Combat. When I Googled this, all the pay results were sites selling
sermons. Lazy preachers can search by topic! Jill says Eric's boss says: "the older you get the harder it is to tell the difference between young and cute." Oh yes. The kitten was out all night and didn't have time to get to your questions. Maybe tomorrow, she says, unless she takes the day off to see that little film. 05.14.03 "Two demographics enjoy pondering the philosophical intricacies of The Matrix: stoners, and everyone else, excepting a few killjoy anti-intellectuals." Hacking the 'Matrix' Master Code: Reloaded Questions, by Jane Dark. "The Matrix suffered from the angst of being a grand critique of synthetic spectacles that obscure our daily lives, while being that very thing. Reloaded offers a similar conundrum: Even the plot's stories of freedom are revealed as their inverse. " "Buffy the Vampire Disciplinarian: Institutional Excess and the New Economy of Power." Sound like a class you'd like to take? From Eric Webster: The academics who run this website were featured on NPR today. See also Slayage.com, and don't forget the Television Without Pity recaps. Man, just one hour left. Despair. Also from The Village Voice: On
the Rights of Those Not Yet Designed: Supertots And Frankenkids, by
Erik Baard. On the subject of soon-to-be genetically enhanced humans,
"Judge Judith Barzilay of the U.S. Court of International Trade decreed
that intelligent characters with 'extraordinary and unnatural powers,'
beings with 'tentacles, claws, wings, or robotic limbs,' 'highly exaggerated
muscle tone,' or 'exaggerated troll-like features,' are 'nonhuman creatures.'"
From Stylus: Yoko Ono: A Biography of Musical Development and Critical Reevaluation, by Todd Burns. "Ono's musical output has been ignored by both the popular media and a popular culture which has deemed her music unlistenable and alien. It is my argument that the factors of Ono's gender and ethnicity play a large role in her maligned state within the minds of music fans. Various other avant-garde composers and musicians have been lauded for their forward looking musical and theoretical achievements and may have undergone critical reevaluations over time. Ono, to a certain extent, has undergone the same with her figurative and conceptual artistic ventures, yielding a recent retrospective of her artwork entitled Yes Yoko Ono." Tomorrow night at the Velvet, Rory Cowal plays. Says big brother, "they're an acid jazz sort of thing (I think)." In briefs: Heck's Kitten makes her official debut tomorrow. Loshon hora is back in business, Modern Drunkard has Inspirational Posters, and at The Reverse Cowgirl's Blog: details on The "You're a Bad Man, Aren't You?" Fundraiser! I'm sure some of you bad men have some prize-worthy tawdry tales, Dave. 05.13.03 This week's SI covers the departures of some badly behaving college coaches,
with this teaser: "Strippers and coeds, respectively, helped bring
Alabama football coach Mike Price and Iowa State hoops coach Larry Eustachy
to grief." Aside from the dubious blame-assignment happening in that sentence, can you believe writers still use the word "coed" to describe female college students? They might as well just call us "other." If you're going to use the word coed incorrectly, you'd better be making up softcore porn titles, or be joking. Jeez. In today's Post, Thomas Boswell is pissed. Come on, Annika, stick it to 'em. You can play with plenty of these jerks. It's quite likely I'm the only one of us fascinated with cricket rhetoric, but just in case, the Aussies have been misbehaving in their matches, or whatever, with the West Indies. From ACB sledges Waugh's ugly Aussies:
Secret Service Questions Students. This is what you get nowadays for criticizing Bush in class. If you didn't get to it yesterday, go vote for Rebecca's stuff! Also, the Kitten is getting upset no one has asked her anything. She really knows the answer to every question in the universe. So come on, now. Yesterday some nice guy sent me this photo of my dad at work. Wasn't that nice? Isn't he cute? I think so.
05.12.03 Look at this cool mermaid, by puppy and whiskey afficianado Rebecca Lowery, who bravely took up the Coney Island T-Shirt Design contest challenge. She has entries in the Mermaid Parade, Burlesque at the Beach, and Coney Island categories. Rebecca reports: "there are some really ugly shirts getting lots of attention from loyalist friends, so why not mine too. it's not at all a democratic vote, more like a winningest smile contest, and i won't be mad if you like someone else's better (just sad)." So go vote for Rebecca's stuff! Here's an old song by Garrison Starr: Superhero. And here's another Mirah, cuz it's real sad: Archipelago. Gotta work for a while. Love, JM 05.10.03 Andy Earles interviews Ben OcOsker of Load Records. "Load Records is the boredom's arch nemesis within the kingdom of atonal entertainment." I was looking for something else, but came up with Why Do People Hate America? A Summary of Anti-Americanism. Bummer. Too bad for the kids that LSD was replaced with much crappier drugs. The Vaults of Erowid is a whole lotta acid info. They say, "Erowid.org is an online library of information about psychoactive plants and chemicals and related topics." In case you were wondering. Here's a nice song by the New Pornographers: The Laws Have Changed. Also, rumor has it Neko Case will be appearing nude in your Playboy. You know, I learned a lot while stopping by Pitchfork. About Vanderslice and Mountain Goats and our pals Q and Not U. I should check it more often. Quit wasting my time on Friendster. In Sports, everything has been happening. But mostly people goin' nuts about Michael "Hey Kwame, you're a flaming faggot" Jordan getting the axe. Bye Mr. God Complex! Wilbon will miss kissing your ass! 05.09.03 HK: Shalini, welcome to Talky-Talk. Everyone is
excited to learn more about you. Tell us, are you really a Native American?
HK: So, what are your thoughts on Indian soap operas
and pink stuffed bears? Just wondering. HK: Never mind. Now, your long battle with celibacy
has been well-documented, and rumor has it you finally won some down in
May-hee-co. Do you have any words of wisdom or inspiration for HK's hard
up readers? p.s. hi mom! HK: Very wise. Hopefully that will help someone
(Bob) have sex with a live human being. We thank you for appearing on
HK. You are the coolest sexually active woman who works in Arlington and
lives in Mt. Pleasant that we know! Do you have any parting thoughts for
your new fans? There, isn't Shalini nice? Ok, now we have some less than pleasant stuff to deal with. But I will sprinkle it with random shrew pictures (from Ranger Ted) to soften the blows. Firstly, Believe it or not! Bush,
Blair Nominated for Nobel Prize for Iraq War. Second, Bob and I nominate these as the vilest inbox atrocities to date: Subject: Punish this Iraqi slut!!
Subject: Video taped sex crimes again Iraqi wimen Photos: They appear to be male soldiers raping Iraqi women, although they mostly look pretty fakey. I'm afraid to click the ad, but I went to the site directory and there are two movies there: http://203.31.88.65/fpa/iraqi/, if anyone's up for investigation. Oh yeah, and I totally take back everything I said about this being a violence-glorifying, woman-hating, woman-exploiting culture. Because that's just naive and silly.
Caped Crusader Saves the Day in English Town. LONDON (Reuters) - A masked and caped do-gooder has been sweeping through an English town, performing good deeds and scattering terrified bad guys, a local newspaper reported. Craig's List, DC. Yeah, we have one of these. All kinds of classifieds and all free to list. Arthur Loves
Plastic and First Ladies DJ
Collective has shows upcoming: Man who cut off own arm speaks. "As his entrapment spanned days and his options narrowed, he drew on a spirit of self-reliance and optimism to snap the bones of his forearm, then hack away at his flesh in a bid for freedom." Tomorrow: The Jenny and Mike Bennett list of worst ways to die. And a bit of today's news makes the list - "The rear door of a Russian-built cargo plane burst open as the aircraft was flying across Congo and 129 passengers were sucked out, airport officials said Friday."
05.08.03 I love entertaining you people, but sometimes you complain. "There's too much stuff here. I don't have time for all this. I'm hungry. Wah." Well, I'll try to be more efficient. Here's some stuff you can do today, in a handy list format: •Friendster. Cool
new Friendsters include, Constance, Ranger Ted, Bob, Sarah, and Fritz
Fontaine. Cool old Friendsters include Hotdish, Troy, Katie, Jacob, Rebecca,
and Cheryl. Wouldn't you like to be a Friendster, too? The discussion board has been a hotbed of stimulating analysis by some of the best minds of our generation. SAL has discovered a t-shirt which I believe neatly summarizes the collective message board ethos. Tune in tomorrow as HK interviews Ms. Shalini A., who recently won her battle with celibacy! 05.07.03 Firstly, great news. Salam Pax, the Baghdad blogger, is BACK. Yay. Secondly, an enormous timewaster, the benefits of which remain a mystery...and yet...AND YET....IT CANNOT BE DENIED! As Jaime "Hotdish" Shaffer says, "this is the latest fad in a year of, uh, fads. DO IT. be my friend. if you're as cool as i know you are, you've already done it...." Let us present Friendster! Friendster puts all your friends in one convenient location! Right in front of you! When you do it, use my email address as the Friend who got you here, and then we'll all be in the same community, loving each other electronically, as it was ordained. Thirdly (but bestly): by way of Binge Drinkers of the World, Unite! comes a wonderful resource, called Modern Drunkard Magazine. Writers who understand YOUR lifestyle take on numerous topics of import, including, but not limited to:
A true boozing inspiration. Speaking of worthwhile pasttimes, I hope some or all of you took in some Buffy last night, and that documentary about pre-Code ladies was totally sleazy-awesome! If you missed it, look for it on Turner Classic Movies. Another goody from Shalini (and Businessweek): What If Women Ran the World? Uh, duh, yes, things would be a lot better. And sexier. But women don't run the world for the same reasons the world would be better if we did: your gender's violent, egomaniacal sociopaths are better than, and far outnumber, ours. I wish all the cool guys and gals would band together and take back the world. But I'll settle for banding together for drinks, I guess. 'Tsall for today, Friendsters. May you ace your interventions, and soar like drunken eagles. 05.06.03 Matt LeBlanc got married! In Hawaii, to his longtime lady, a hot mother of two. The party included castmates Jennifer Aniston, Lisa Kudrow and Courteney Cox. Chandler and Ross were busy. Nice friends, huh?
Tonight on Turner Movie Classics at 8 and 10:30: Complicated Women, a look at how much cooler Pre-Code female characters were. Damn that Code. From Tom Shales' Hollywood's Uncensored Women: "Examples cited include such famous films as "Design for Living" (1933), which endorsed the idea of a ménage à trois for two men and a woman, and such lesser-known titles as "Frisco Jenny" (1932), in which Ruth Chatterton rises from hooker to a madam running a swank bordello." From SAL. Shalini sends: The Source for Youth Ministry's Guide to Teen Lingo! Example: bootie And in sports, the Lakers lose, and Phil and Shaq cry. "I mean, Tim Duncan had more [free-throws attempts, 14] than my basketball team had," Jackson said. "I know it's his [MVP] night tonight, but I mean really, that's ridiculous." O'Neal fouled out with 3:26 to play, having picked up his last three
three fouls in a little more than a minute. "I'm not going to change
my game," O'Neal said. "If they want to keep flopping, if the
refs want to keep falling for that, then that's fine." Thanks for stopping by, kids. Until tomorrow! Keep drinking beer and watching TV! 05.05.03 Adams Morgan/Mt. Pleasant residents beware of clones! Whilst smoking a cigarette in front of my residence in the greater Adams Morgan/Mt. Pleasant area last evening, I saw Suzanne Marcus walking towards me backlit by the dim martini glass/high heeled lighting of Columbia Road. Excited about an unexpected visit by my former roommate, I threw my arms up in the air (like I just didn't care), shouted "Suzanne!" and started running towards her. Ok - I don't actually run (unless beer is involved) so we'll call it more of a shuffle. Unfortunately, I was unaware that a Suzanne Marcus doppelganger is among us. Please be careful not to make contact with this woman. She did not appear even remotely amused at the thought of being mistaken for my beautiful and highly missed former Calverton Apartment co-resident. And while it's true that in good lighting she is not even half as radiant as the real deal, I suspect that I am not the only one who could make this mistake. Please be warned. I think she might be like those female aliens from the 80's TV show "V" that ate rats for brunch and dinner. If so, perhaps her presence in Adams Morgan/Mt. Pleasant is a good thing, but who wants to hang out with a rat-eating doppelganger? Jack N. Martins Thanks Jack. In other news, some of my posse ended up at the racetrack
in Laurel Saturday to take in the Derby. There, through the wonders of
off-track betting, we were all able to lose money without even being present
at the race! I think we learned some important lessons though: always
bet on geldings with the word "Funny" in their names. And, trifectas
suck. Says T. Boswell: "In farm country, they say if you see a man beating a mule, it's probably a bad mule. But if, every time you see that fellow, he's beating another mule, then you've found a bad farmer." Sayonara, Mr. Jordan, you are a bad farmer, and you're no fun to play with, either. So take your ball to Charlotte and bully the kids down there. And feel free to take Dougie with you. Love, DC. 05.03.03 05.02.03 No offense. And here I fail, twice: Contempt for others, like masturbation, is best as a secret pleasure. Do you know what an aphorist is? It's someone who makes aphorisms. Gadgets in your future: The early-adapters here in nerdy IT-land will probably have these shortly. Wrist phones! Wrist email! Ahhh, I can't wait until my forearms are wrapped in devices, like Boba Fett! Many of you kind people have inquired into the circumstances of my voluntary resignation from the basement cubicle coding purgatory. True, my job is easy, and doesn't pay horribly. True, the economy is bad and I have nothing lined up. True, ah, whatever. Deb Schwartz asks: SO? what did you say to your boss? Were you like, "Take this job and shove it?" Was it like: Or was it like this: Actually Deb, it was EXACTLY like scenario B. Have you been talking to
my coworkers? 05.01.03 The Queer Heterosexual, by Tristan Taormino, writer, porn star, and director of The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women. Queer queer queer, yer all a buncha queers. Speaking of which, from SAL and The Onion, Band Teacher Gay in Retrospect. Also from TT, Enema Evangelist. I had an enema story critiqued in a fiction workshop one time. It made the people giggle. Look! See Sarah's and Caryn's fabulous 'dos at Hairball 2003! See Angry Bob in blue makeup! He's never been photographed without a cigarette!
From Dave and ESPN.com on Larry Eustachy, who's been suspended and may
be fired for partying with away-game ladies: Vroman and center Jared Homan, who will be a junior, said they would seriously consider leaving if Eustachy was not the coach. Eustachy, 47, is holding a can of beer in the photos. The pictures were taken at a Jan. 22 apartment party in Columbia, Mo., just hours after Iowa State lost to Missouri. In some photos, Eustachy is kissing young women on the cheek or is being kissed on the cheek. "He's drinking, but he's 47 and has that right. As far as being kissed on the cheek, I don't know if you've seen 'The Price is Right' with Bob Barker, but he has that happen all the time," said Homan, who was charged with public intoxication last month. Here's one take on it: Eustachy himself - not alcoholism - is real problem News from the Sky: Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do it's own, entitled Survivor - Texas Style. The contestants will start in Dallas, travel to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo. From there, they'll proceed to Abilene, Ft. Worth and finally back to Dallas. Each person will drive a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that say "I'm gay, I'm a vegetarian, I voted for Al Gore, George Strait Sucks, Hillary in 2004, and I'm here to confiscate your guns!" The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins. More later. Love, JM 04.30.03
How to throw your own Derby party: Thanks Trix! You are so wise. By the way, Empire Maker is the big favorite, and Andrew Beyer should know. So, who got to watch Buffy last night, and who decided to tape it instead so they could go get some dinner, but when they popped the tape in it was all screwed up, so it was more like radio show Buffy? Pooh. But it sounded like Buffy got ousted from her own crew! Mutiny! Get the full scoop when Television Without Pity posts the new recap! Meanwhile, SAL reports: The main "visual" things you missed last night due to faulty recording
devices.
Deb Duncan sent something right up Heck's Alley: Doctored Photo from the London Evening Standard. Here's another silly timepasser: Which
Scooby character do you most resemble? I got Velma. If every one of you sends me $500, I can buy the new BMW Z4. I'll let you drive it to your reunion. I'll be your escort, if you need one. I'll have a baby for you, if you're infertile. I saw one on the road the other day. It was olive-green, and driven by a blonde woman who was not me. And that ain't right. Thanks to everyone who sent me congrats for my courageously irresponsible job-quitting of yesterday. Soon I'll be enlisting all of you in the job hunt, or maybe sleeping on your couch and stealing the change off your dresser. 04.29.03 Optional but recommended reading: Roger Ebert Talks About Michael Moore and Much More, to Progressive Radio. I didn't know Ebert was such a cool guy. I have a few exotic visitors I'd like to indentify: If you are the one from Australia, Saudi Arabia, or South Africa, please say hello. It's driving me nuts. Speaking of me, guess what I did today? I quit my job. Yeah, that's right. I did. QUOTATION: To have the external pressure of a job removed is very astonishing. Your own will is now your only motor and it has no horse-power. Sometimes I think that perhaps the most competent business men, and lawyers and doctors, who must be at the office at nine o’clock every morning, do not realize this and take more credit for initiative and industry than they deserve. And it is why all the bright women of the world, who if more were expected of them, might do important work, but who instead have a chronic feeling of ineffectiveness and sloth. ATTRIBUTION: Brenda Ueland (1891–1985), U.S. magazine writer. Me, ch. 6 (1939). On leaving her job as a staff writer at Liberty magazine to become a free-lance writer. bartleby.com 04.28.03 Sign future President Howard Dean's petition to can Senator Pervy Santorum!
From SAL. From Dave: The Nerdification of America, a Peter Bagge comeek. This explains a lot. My sis sent me this today and I usually trash this crap, but, it appealed to my hatred of credit bureaus, so I called the number and opted my little self out and it all seems legit. However, I've been wrong before. Here's the spiel: Your Credit: Personal Information goes public Starting July 1st, 2003, the four major credit bureaus in the US (Equifax, etc.) will be allowed to release credit info, mailing addresses, phone numbers, etc., to ANYONE who requests it. If you do not want to be included in this release of your personal information, you can call 1-888-567-8688. Once the message starts you will want option #2 (even though option #1 refers to this email, push #2) and then option #3. Be sure to listen closely, the first option is only for a two-year period. Make sure you wait until they prompt for the third option, which opts you out FOREVER. You should receive their paperwork in the mail confirming the "opting out" in less than one week after making the call. When's the last time you saw a cute, fun, happy girl-coming-of-age movie? Or, any girl-coming-of-age movie at all? Yeah, there aren't a whole lot of them for the same reason the last few bands you've seen were almost all dudes and for the same reason the NBA team salary cap is $40,271,000 and the WNBA's is $622,000 and for the same reason that a fellow most likely created whatever we're looking at listening to or reading at any given moment - guys are just that much more interesting. But, enough of my griping about media tryanny and male-worshipping dominant culture. Until tomorrow. Anyway, Bend it Like Beckham will make you feel a little happier than you were before. Also, there's a lot of locker room-changing sportsbra-wearing going on. Empowering yet prurient! Recommended.
04.27.03
04.25.03
This site is so cool and my job is so ridiculous that I went on to read the Buffy recap, Misogyny is baaad, mmmmkay?.
Richard
Cohen on that genius from Pennsylvania, Sen. Rick "I'm a huge pervert" Santorum.
Jon Stewart skewered More Republicans behaving predictably, just because: A prominent Republican fund-raiser who once said former President Bill Clinton was "a lawbreaker and a terrible example to our nation's young people" pleaded guilty yesterday in Baltimore Circuit Court to production of child pornography. (Shalini) Booty Babe Art. Because we needed some pics. (Bob) I don't know how it happened, but today's HK is turning out Boobie-themed. So I just searched "breasts" at bartleby.com and came up with this limerick: On the breasts of a barmaid in Sale But this is a Family Site, so let's get off the breastisies and onto drugs: Dave has something for you to do - 27, SUNDAY - A nostalgic ensemble comedy that examines a night in the life of a bunch of hedonistic teenagers, Dazed and Confused is also responsible for catalyzing the careers of some of its young performers. Sound familiar? Remember American Graffiti? That film introduced the world to Richard Dreyfuss, and Harrison Ford, Suzanne Somers, and McKenzie Phillips all managed to turn smaller roles into careers--albeit with varying degrees of quality and duration (especially for Sheriff Thighmaster and Stringbean McCokesnort). Without Dazed and Confused, we might never have known the likes of Ben Affleck, Matthew McConaughey, Parker Posey, or everyone's favorite High Times covergirl, Milla Jovovich. Even though Dazed is a helluva lot funnier than American Graffiti, it'd still be a whole lot cooler if you had a joint before you show up at 8 p.m. at Hoff Theater, Stamp Student Union, University of Maryland, College Park. $5.50. (301) 314-4633. (David Dunlap Jr.) "Marijuana is ... self-punishing. It makes you acutely sensitive, and
in this world, what worse punishment could there be?" 04.24.03
i told u i was hardcore: Found this in Harper's - a 21-year old, broadcasting live from his webcam, ingests large doses of drugs, including Klonopin, methadone, Restoril, Inderal, pot and rum, until he dies. HERE is the complete trasncript of the web chat happening at the time, and HERE are a couple stills. BTW, I repeat, Harper's is a fine mag. I am a nerd! Pearls Before Swine guy Stephan Pastis responds to my inquiry into his personal life. To his credit he chose not to address my concerns about his Greek Orthodoxy. Here is the transcript of the chat session he did for washingtonpost.com. ME: Hi Stephan - My friend and I just noticed 3 strips this month that are a pretty down on marriage. And we were wondering, if Mr. Pastis were having relationship troubles, would he share this information with two total strangers who are fans? Just wondering. You are great. MR. PASTIS: Well thank you very much....Yeah, if I were you, I'd assume the same thing, but alas, it's not true...I've been happily married 9 years and have 2 kids....While a lot of my stuff is based on my life, not everything is....More than anything, the topic just seems to be filled with humor.... True. What is funnier than married people? Do you hate reading IM transcripts? I don't. Shalini and I were fantasizing about secretaries yesterday...: JM says: Constance Chang of New York City has a song for you: "hello. i am not good at this mp3 thing. but i can direct you to a webpage with a great mp3 on it. it's smokey and miho (of cibo matto) singing a soothing little bossa nova groove from y tu mama tambien's soundtrack. erik and i saw smokey and miho awhile ago at tonic and they are very cool. and of course, their politics are cool as well." Consolacao, by Smokey and Miho. You know who I love? Jon Stewart. I would sacrifice 3 of my 4 limbs if it would make him President. If you're not watching The Daily Show, weeknights at 11, I hope you're doing something better. Since we've been talking about group sex a lot here on HK, I will include Mr. Stewart's thoughts on the matter: "I had what the French would call a menage a trois, but what I would call two-ladies-I-met-in-a-bar. It was incredibly awkward. I had enough trouble with one and then there was another person sitting there going, 'Uh-huh.' I was also still not too in tune with... well, let me just say, walk before you run. Boy, this is going to be one ugly piece of journalism!" Today's real quote: "Man's natural character is to imitate; that
of the sensitive man is to resemble as closely as possible the person whom he
loves. It is only by imitating the vices of others that I have earned my misfortunes." YOUR MISSION, should you choose to accept it: send me a good quote. Today. 04.23.03 Now, I love sports, cars, and objectifying women as much as the next guy, but what separates the Men from the Lesbyterians may come down to this: Grand Theft Auto: Vice City. Explains Chris Dahlen, "Killing for fun and stupid personal reasons isn't just for serial killers: everybody's doing it. Life is cheap, and I just don't see anything that reflects that. Anything except this game." Some truth there, nonetheless, I don't think I'll ever enjoy screwing a hooker and then running her over with my car to avoid paying the check. But hey, you don't need to defend your guilty pleasures to me. Please take a look at I'm Tryin' to Do Some Killin' Here, from Pitchfork, and thanks again Mr. Weiner. ITEM! ITEM! Deb S. has snagged a new job! Screams Deb, "I GOT THE MOTHER FUCKING JOB. I AM SO HAPPY. I HATE MY PRESENT BOSS AND I AM VERY HAPPY TO LEAVE AND VERY MOTHER FUCKING HAPPY I HAVE A FUNNY-FUN JOB IN A MUSEUM WHICH DEALS WITH THE HOLOCAUST. IT PAYS BUPKIS, BUT I DON'T REALLY CARE, BECAUSE IT'S A MILLION TIMES BETTER THAN BEING A SECRETARY FOR A CRAZY OLD INEPT MAN WHO EATS ATKINS BARS IN MY EAR EVERY DAY AND REEKS OF PORK CHOPS. I ONLY HOPE THEY WILL LET ME BLOG IN AT MY NEW JOB. WE SHALL SEE." More on jobs, from S. Loffman, who recently had the pleasure of reading a hundred or so intern applications. Quoth Sarah: I have been promising you a copy of the best recommendation letter ever. Here it goes: (Some letters have been changed to "F" to protect the Foolish) (This letter of recommendation appeared on a blank piece of paper. Apparently "Mr. Fuckett" didn't need the little smirking paper clip's help writing a letter.)
Thank you Mr. Fuckett. Work work work. I wish I could work as a Peep Artist. Like this guy. Speaking of peeps, HK's got two new items today, peeps: the little search box to your right, where you can search the site, and the Daily Quotation. Today's: "...I’ve stopped wanting to do any work at all. All work is bullshit. Everyone knows that. No matter how many telephones and extensions, no matter how many secretaries, no matter how many names in the rolodex. It’s all bullshit." Thank you, Irena Klepfisz (b. 1941), Jewish–American lesbian author; born in Poland. "Work Sonnet," part 3, paragraph 5 (1982). Referring, specifically, to clerical work; a prose poem. Bartleby.com. 04.22.03 Speaking of bad album covers (which we haven't actually done yet), and thanks to M. Weiner, may I direct your attention to All the Beach Boys' album covers rated and reviewed, by Chuck. Excerpt:
We can just see the conversation in the record section of K-Mart in the summer of 1974: 13-YEAR-OLD GIRL: Hey, it's the new Beach Boys album! (EYES COVER) Hmm....
which one's supposed to be the cute one? Thank you Arcata, CA, for this little speck of good news in a sea of bad: Local Officials Rise Up to Defy The Patriot Act, Washington Post. From M. Fox. Here's a good tear-jerker for ya, by the old PNW Injun, Mr. Sherman Alexie: What You Pawn I Will Redeem, The New Yorker. From M. Fox. This is almost too good to be true: a 1998 debriefing of Monica Lewinsky, brought to us by the Smoking Gun. Excerpt: "The President spent a lot of time concentrating on Lewinsky. Lewinsky had four to six orgasms that day. A ray of sunshine was shining directly on Lewinsky's face while she performed oral sex to completion on the President. The President remarked about Lewinsky's beauty." So dumb it's obviously true: Star-Spangled
Ice Cream, from Constance. Their real copy:
Brian E. answers the call: songs that should die (by decade): 1960's -- Roy Orbison's "Oh, Pretty Woman." Okay, I know I'm going to take a lot of shit for this. I'm just saying, ever since 1990 and Garry Marshall that song just lost all its luster. And, let's face it, The Great One has better ones. 1970's -- the title track from Barry Manilow's "Even Now" album, or Eddie Rabbitt's "I Love a Rainy Night." The best-title-track dialog in High Fidelity got me thinking of worst title tracks. I'm here to tell you, it's hard to go lower than Mr. Manilow's "Even Now," even though it's not exactly in heavy rotation on today's adult contemporary stations. My real vote here is for Rabbit's crack-headed lyric: "I love a rainy night when the moon is shining bright..." Hey Eddie, rainy nights are cloudy, you idiot! Thanks for ruining my pre-teen years with your oh-so-catchy nonsense.
1990's -- Offspring "Come Out and Play" Why, why WHY is this still getting air play some nine years after its release? Hey Mark Lanegan-- this is how you write a song that captures an audience. Scrap all that sweet oblivious genius, and get to work writing slop like this. New category suggestion: "Best bad record album cover art ever." My nomination: Linda Ronstadt's "Living in the USA." Thanks, Brian! He later added: "i'm serious. i'd hate to admit, but i LOVE the cover art on that album. sooooo hot. and roller-skates too! i take it that you're a fan as well?" Yes, I am. I've got a bunch of other stuff that I suppose will keep until tomorrow. I hope you all had a fine Passover/Easter/weekend. I spent Sunday in the nursing home with my great-grandma. She told me she was going to walk out of there, get a ride back to Cincinnati, and rent a little two room apartment, right next to the market. Her social security, she told me, is pretty good, and she just wants that apartment. Also, the mayor of Cincinnati has been calling her, asking her to move back to town to become the mayor's personal assistant. My boss and some chick who flirts with him are talking about how skanky Monica is on Mr. Personality, and how much "classier" The Bachelor is. Now he's saying the guys on the show aren't ugly. Shockingly, he holds women to a somewhat different beauty standard. Ok, before I start trashing my boss some more, I'd better do a bit of work. My grandma informed me this weekend that I am "intolerant," and that she doesn't "even know her little Jenny anymore." Sigh. Later all. And love. JM
Brian Kall and Kim Kindelsperger descended upon DC this weekend, surprising everyone by dropping in on the Visions in Feminism Bad Art Silent Auction (I took home a very special paint-by-numbers Jesus, and two Plains Indians-themed velvet paintings, donated by M. Fox). But apparently Kim and Brian had come from Philly less to see their old friends than to go to a rockabilly show at a duckpin alley in Fall's Church, featuring the Stray Cats guy. This was one very cool alley, and beers were $2.50. Here's a City Paper story about the history and demise of duckpin, with a mention of the Fall's Church lanes. And here's a fact for ya: No one has ever bowled a perfect 300 in duckpin. The high game stands at 279. Also that night - I got to talk to this Matt Weiner guy for a while (Matt is a truly gifted conversationalist, by which I mean he finds a way to let you talk about what you want to talk about), and he pointed me in the direction of Stylus Magazine, for which he writes, and recently contributed to Hidden But Not Forgotten: The Stylus Magazine Non-Definitive History of the Hidden Track. MW excerpt:
In response to my solicitation for songs we wish would go away, George W. (not that George W., but this George W.) responded thusly: "Okay, I realize I've picked the low-hanging fruit here, but... Kansas, "Carry On, My Wayward Son" Bad Company, "Bad Company," "Feel Like Makin' Love" REO Speedwagon, "Keep on Rollin'", "Keep on Lovin' You", "Take it on the Run" Styx, "Lady," "Come Sail Away" Journey, "Don't Stop Believin'", "Any Way You Want It" May I propose another survey? What songs do classic rock stations *not* play that they should?"
Now, if you'll allow me another birthday shout-out, I must say HAPPY 30th! to yet another good friend who's reached the alleged untrustworthy age, Tessie (Tess) Jordan. We tolerated each other through high school, lived together in college, and got the hell out of Dodge at roughly the same time. She is spectacularly brilliant and amusing and healthy (which sets her apart from many of us) and I just love her to death. For her protection from potential employer Google-searches, I will not discuss herein her role in the most transcendent and mind-expanding 8 hours of my young life. 04.19.03 04.18.03 The silly classic rock station I listen to in the car has been promoting a Boston concert, which is rather nice because it means they will branch out a bit from from Smokin' and More Than A Feeling. Why do we have to hear the same two songs from every band all the time? I heard some guy call the station yesterday and say, "Hey, is there any way you guys can play Hotel California by the Eagles?" Why?! Why would a person request a song that's been played on that station every day since 1976? Wouldn't we all be fine to never hear Hotel California again? And Bad to the Bone. And YMCA. And Southern Man. And Light My Fire. And Celebrate Good Times, (C'mon!). These are a few songs I wish would go away and die. WHAT SONGS DO YOU WISH WOULD GO AWAY AND DIE? April's best HK Google hits: True Searches, part 3.
Now Sarah has a very important announcement. Subject: So Bad It's Good! That's right! TODAY, Friday, April 18th, is the BIG DAY! It's the BAD ART SILENT AUCTION!! Come wander through our gallery of entertainingly bad art. Ponder the portrait of Tom Selleck with the eyes that follow you. Shed a tear for the paint-by-number of a sad, sad clown. Marvel at the hologram of Jesus knock, knock, knockin' on heavens door. Place your wager on small bid sheets next to your favorite piece. At the end of the night, the highest bidders fork over the cash and take home their very own tacky disasterpiece. Where you ask? The ultra-suave, ultra-luxurious Annapolis Hall multi-purpose room, at the University of MD, College Park. The auction is part of the Visions in Feminism Kick-off Art Night that will Benefit HIPS (Helping Individual Prostitutes Survive). Doors open at 6:00, and this event, which will be the most fun you've ever had in your entire life, will only cost $5. WOW! I'm floored. The art night to kick-off the 3rd annual Visions in Feminism Conference will also feature a film screening, DJs, bands and performers, including: Hott Beat (DC feminist electronic), Morgan Storm (all female hardcore from NJ), Rachel Jacobs (singer/songwriter from NYC), Kenyatta Ali (from B-Girl Manifesto), Mothertongue (DC women's spoken word). Also...the evening will begin with a screening of The Children We Sacrifice, a film by feminist filmmaker and activist Grace Poore, who will be the keynote speaker at the conference on Saturday. Visit her website at www.shaktiproductions.net for more info on her work. I hope to see you there. Bring cash! - Love, Sarah Finally, speaking of my family, here's the Left Behind Drinking Game, from Rapp Scallion's Pirate Ship. "That's right, friends, now you too can enjoy radical fundamentalist Endtimes propaganda and alcoholic beverages, all at once!" As Endtimes mythologies go, Buffy blows away the Left Behind series. But hey, to each his crazy own. 04.17.03 Yesterday's responses from HK Solicits Your Dream Fragments. From Rebecca:
From Natalie:
From Jill: Subject: The Dowdy Underpants From Suzanne
From Nada Mucho, Odes to Onanism (Or, "Songs about Jerkin' It"): The best songs ever about masturbation, By Matt Ashworth From RALPH, the review of arts, literature, philosophy and the humanities, Some Thoughts on the Science of Onanism, A speech delivered to the Stomach Club,a society of American writers and artists, Paris, 1879. By Mark Twain Dave Dunlap Jr. reviews Neon Golden, The Notwist (Domino). From The Memphis Flyer The sound on the Notwist's Neon Golden, a delicate acoustic/electronic blend, appears to have been achieved by process of elimination. Formed 14 years ago in Munich, these hirsute Hessians have led a Shermanesque march through such musical territories as punk, metal, dub, jazz, dance-pop, and guitar-god onanism (of a strain particularly derivative of Dinosaur Jr.). Though they didn't learn that Bavarians should never, never, ever sport dreadlocks (I'm blaming the dub phase), the Notwist should be given credit for ultimately crafting an album that assembles the best elements of their past, spent genres. Their sixth full-length, Neon Golden, is sure to increase their fan base. The record even made several critics' "best of" lists as an import last year. (The domestic release includes three nonessential bonus instrumentals.) While "Record of the Year" claims are premature, Neon Golden may well be one of the prettiest records I'll hear all year. A high tolerance for blips and bleeps as accouterments of more traditional song structures is necessary. Thankfully, the electronica flourishes don't seem extraneous and are integrated subtly throughout. The front-porch banjo picking and guitar strumming by vocalist Markus Acher are accented by the squiggles, samples, and beats supplied by Martin Gretschmann (who also records solo under the Console moniker). In the end, Acher's voice is both the strongest component of the current Notwist sound and its most limiting factor. Not without its breathy charms, his range is limited and he seems intent on not getting all histrionic à la Thom Yorke. The restraint restricts many of the songs to being just |
From
SI by way of LPTJ: 
05.29.03
send in birthday "shout-outs" to their cats, along with footage of their
cats doing "something cool." The first episode features a cat that eats
his meals with chopsticks and another cat that surfs in the ocean." Yes!
Thanks Bob.
emergency"
robot voice). If she has a boyfriend and you are just courting her,
she will put on the tape and they will lie in bed listening to "Ne
Me Quittez Pas"and laughing their fucking asses off. You know that
Grant Hart song "All of My Senses"? Imagine her and her boyfriend
toking a one-hit and killing themselves when he goes, "Without
you I’m abuuuuuusing, all of my sensee-eees."You might as well
have a hidden camera in your toilet that broadcasts to Times Square.
Dear Ms. Spank:
Bob
and Caryn hosted one helluva partay last night. Thanks Bob and Caryn!
queen
bee of her swarm of friendsters. She is known amongst my boy-peeps as
"the tall hot Vulcan," but that's because they are concupiscent
Star Trek nerds. Yesterday Ms. Huber was responsible for a city-wide work
stoppage after she sent: 
Dear Protestant:
The Catholics ring the bells whenever the heck they want. Generally they
ring every 15 minutes, with longer chimes on the hour or half hour, and
sometimes counting the hours on the hour. They might also ring for funerals
or weddings or mass or graduation or whatever. The weird thing is, Catholics
have pretty bells and robes and windows and stuff, but they make super
ugly gifs. Look at this thing. It's a galaxy, ours, I guess, with HELLO
HEAVEN® ringing it. What the heck does that mean?
Copy: People Attacked in Their Homes and Savagely Raped at Gunpoint! Footage
Smuggled Out of Iraq by the Troops That Did It! Sexually Deviant Soldiers
Run Wild!
Now,
Some Good Things:
The Washington Post. Accompanied by this photo of him driving off
into the sunset after his 
distract
me from the lonely, hopeless, aimless despair of living in the modern
world. Alas, I have been informed by a friend that "people with ideals
are boring," and so rather than explore my dull 'how shall we live?'
questions, HK presents again, today's most funnest un-news!
Grease
3 is on the horizon. If you are like me, you LOVE Grease and you don't
care what anyone says. If you're even more like me, you watched Grease
2 on TMC forty-seven times in the summer of 1983. But that would be a
crazy coincidence! Anyway, Grease 3 is sure to suck, but apparently it
will be set in the late '70s and will "focus on the tunes from the
disco era." It will be about the spawn of Sandy and Danny, played
by Sarah Michelle Geller and Freddie Prinze Jr. Just kidding.
The
big Kentucky Derby is coming this Saturday, so plug, plug away, because this
year I'm going to be in the grandstand. I'm sure 
Michael
Fox writes: OK, if I don't need to defend my guilty pleasures to you then
I just have to share my unbridled joy at seeing my new most favorite rodeo bull
(Little Yellow Jacket) throw world champion bull rider Chris Shivers straight
into the dirt in 1.8 seconds last Saturday, thereby denying him the much-hyped
$1 million payoff he would have received if he could have stayed on for the
full 8. Weighing in at 1,670 lbs., LYJ hopped out of the chute, threw his hips
to one side, twisted his haunches to the other, then spun around on one of his
front legs while kicking both rear legs about 15 feet in the air. That candy-assed
cowboy never knew what hit him; till he was spitting the dirt out of his mouth.
Then LYJ just stopped and stood there in front of the disappointed spectators.
Staring them down, he telepathically commanded them: "ALL HAIL LITTLE YELLOW
JACKET, FOR I AM THE KING OF THIS FUCKING UNIVERSE!"
1980's
-- Crosby, Stills & Nash "Southern Cross." When you hear the Southern
Cross for the third time, you'll understand now why i came this way. You want
to talk about pain? Try enduring this 4:40 worth of mystical ancient mariner
tales that could make William Blake start yawning.
I
can't fully get behind GHW's Journey and REO Speedwagon selections, but I thank
him for his enthusiastic, thoughtful, and timely nominations. I'd like to add
"We're an American Band," by Grand Funk Railroad, to the kill list.
she
even read one or more of these tomes. If you feel like it, drop her a greeting
at BBG005@ netscape.net. That stands for Big Bad Gilbert, by the way. Mandy's
quite a bit like me, minus all the boozing and whoring - so it's practically
like you know her. Pic in tie by sister 
inordinately,
Steve Rushin and Rebecca Lobo were married on Sunday. She, one of the greatest
basketball players ever, he, one of my favorite sportswriters. Mazeltov!
Thanks ladies!
A lot of television-influenced dreaming going on Tuesday night. Looks like the
men were all too chicken to share yesterday. Bawk bawk. Speaking of masturbation
- yesterday I read Dave's review (below), in which he made use of the word onanism,
which I then had to Google, and I found these two cool things: