Jenny Miller | Heck's Kitchen Pantry, 2005

10.20.05 - PSYCHIATRIC HELP 5¢
Colonel Finally Saw Whites of Their Eyes, By Dana Milbank, wapost, from mw. "As Colin Powell's right-hand man at the State Department, Larry Wilkerson seethed quietly during President Bush's first term. Yesterday, Colonel Wilkerson made up for lost time."

I'm too cheap for therapy, so I'll take whatever advice magically appears before me. However, sometimes my internets give conflicting fortunes....

The Onion Pisces February 19 - March 20. Taking some time off is fine, necessary even, but before you know it, three months have gone by and you haven't killed any more nurses.

Holiday Mathis PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20). Contrary to popular myth, there is scientific proof that goldfish can remember things for longer than three seconds. Those who think that you, dear fish, won't hold a grudge may have another thing coming!

10.19.05 - fucktard edition.
Last night I went to the Greatest Balkan Dance Party Ever Held at a Hipster Bar in DC. My cube neighbor, a mild-mannered programmer by day, is an ass-shaking Bulgarian Superstar by night. The pipes on that woman! And the finger cymbals! I may have mentioned this internet concern to some colleagues in attendance, which means today is obviously the perfect day for a check in with Bova.

ADULTS ONLY, YO!

Some douchebag on the road yesterday had a Calvin-kneeling-before-a-cross-praying window decal, like this. Whoever made that thing is also an asshat. And today I was behind a bumpersticker that read, I PRAY...GET USED TO IT! Ooooohh......I'm skeert. Here I was all, "It's fine for adults to pray in the privacy of their own homes, just don't flaunt it, I mean, you don't have to be in my face about it. Gross!" And this guy really set me straight. Thanks, Christian hero! Pardon this driver for oppressing your praying rights! Fucktard.

Last night I went to see John Vanderslice at the Black Cat. The show drew a small audience of nerdy boys, nerdy boys with small, cute girlfriends, employees of the bar, John's mom, and me.

We've been working on this new fangled thing called a blog. Mostly, we've learned that writing practically every day is way harder work than it looks. But we also know that it's good for us and keeps us honest....After all, we don't have real jobs.

Anyways, the blog talks about most of the places we've found interesting on our southern cross-country US tour and a few of the interesting people we've met.

We'd very much appreciate it if you'd visit the site every once in a while when you can't think of what else to do. Please tell us what you think - we love suggestions for travel destinations and writing improvements.

Brian, Edward, Dave, Jacob, Troy, Katie, SLyon, Anne, Marla, Jeff, Cheryl, Jimmy, Mary and about a hundred other lovely people I know all went to school in Harrisonburg. That's why we had to go down there. To check out the quad and the novelty sex shop. Stepping into the collective past of my friends was pretty nice, too. Their memory lane is a lot better landscaped than mine.

Never let it be said that I won't post a really horrible picture of myself for laughs. Shelbot says, "Sarah and i got back from rennfest and in an ale inspired frenzy we searched amazon and this came up! i took a screenshot!! why are you hiding your career from us?"

10.14.05 - from the last photo i ever took contest
You know that one commercial on TV that isn't totally shitty? Profiles: The Guy Who Wrote "Tiny House" at the Banterist (the guy who wrote "Leather Pants").

An excellent and nostalgic waste of time: Oregon Trail, at Virtual Apple, from mw.

Corrections : A front-page article yesterday about Dave misstated his whereabouts and doings. Dave spent his birthday at the DMV, and not high on drugs, as reported. HK regrets the error, sort of.

10.13.05
Today is the 24th anniversary of the birth of Emerson House co-owner, Dave. No, not that skinny white guy, I'm talking about DAVE. We congratulate Dave! He's spending his day off alone, wandering around the botanical gardens, high on mushrooms. Which reminds me of a lesson I have to impart: if you tell me you're going to spend your birthday alone, wandering around the botanical gardens, high on mushrooms, I'm going to go tell the whole world. Well, not the whole world so much as a handful of bored friends, all my hot groupies, a couple hard won enemies, this dude John I met last night, grandma, and guys looking for pictures of Serena's butt and Michelle Wie's boobs. But there you have it. Happy Birthday, Dave! Does this look weird? How about this?

NEWS: Here's the space where I would be talking about the news, like we do do. There's definitely no shortage of news. News is happening, every day. Current events. Politics. Commentary about current events and politics. Game theory, global warming, mash notes, haters, giant pandas, and so forth. I hope this has been edifying.

DANCING NEWS: Come on down to the no longer lame PHASE ONE this Sunday for a very special edition of THE HOTT BOXX. Featuring resident DJ (and literal resident DJ) Junebullet and, hailing from a few blocks to the south, DJ C.RUSH, bearers of the two cutest smiles in D.C. With special guest! KATASTROPHE, Trans MC Supreme from San Francisco. Uh, his last record's called let's fuck, then talk about my problems, so there's reason enough to love. Let's go out BWA-style...

Heck's Kitchen Proudly Presents:

Premembering Brian: A BWA Memorial Video, Just In Case He Ever Passes On

By Edward Wiley Johnson

10.11.05 - money management edition
1.) This morning I arrived bright and early to the coffee shop and ordered my usual newspaper and medium house ($1.86), but after some digging around found that my wallet was not with me. I said to the very young cashier, "I forgot my wallet. Be right back," but just then a guy handed me three bucks saying, "I got it." Which was really cool, and a dollar more than I needed actually. So I sat and drank my coffee and figured, correctly, that I'd probably find my wallet in my (often unlocked) car, where I've developed a habit of leaving it, in plain view.

2.) Last night I committed the cardinal sin of gambling, which is Do Not Try To Win Back Your Lost Money With One Big Bet. But, HAHA GAMBLING GOD! I won big. Thank you, Pittsburgh Steelers.

3.) Five bucks not spent on beer is five bucks earned. Stay home, eat a salad, work on your little sister's mixtape. Eventually Anisha will wander in and start sketching objects in your room, because she is running out of things to draw for her class, which requires a whole lot of drawing. Edward will also appear several times with an unlit cigarette dangling from his lips, all excited to show you his new movie: tour de mary

about his friend Mary, who just learned to ride a bike. That's a still there, in which she looks like a creepy skeleton. Cool.

I hope you've learned something today about saving and winning money, getting lucky, and the kindness of strangers.

Leonard Cohen: Chelsea Hotel #2

I remember you well in the Chelsea Hotel, you were talking so brave and so sweet, giving me head on the unmade bed, while the limousines wait in the street. Those were the reasons and that was New York, we were running for the money and the flesh. And that was called love for the workers in song probably still is for those of them left. Ah but you got away, didn't you babe, you just turned your back on the crowd, you got away, I never once heard you say, I need you, I don't need you, I need you, I don't need you and all of that jiving around. I remember you well in the Chelsea Hotel you were famous, your heart was a legend. You told me again you preferred handsome men but for me you would make an exception. And clenching your fist for the ones like us who are oppressed by the figures of beauty, you fixed yourself, you said, "Well never mind, we are ugly but we have the music." And then you got away, didn't you babe... I don't mean to suggest that I loved you the best, I can't keep track of each fallen robin. I remember you well in the Chelsea Hotel, that's all, I don't even think of you that often.

Heck's 6 Best Songs About Doing-It-Yourself

10.07.05 - rainy Friday edition
I'd like to personally congratulate Michelle Wie, who has gone pro at 15, instantly becoming a $15 millionaire. And what follows has nothing to do with trying collect site traffic: MICHELLE WIE NUDE NAKED PICTURES BOOBS.

Subject: inner piece
Message: Hey friend-folk, Here's some scans that are surely worth more than a few words. Although "large ameloblastoma" may be a fine verbal description of Jack's problem, I didn't really understand the situation until I saw these scans of his head. They are disturbing and fascinating...

HK Contest: Let's photoshop Jack's freakish skull (with temporary "bicycle chain" jaw). Click for high res. Send images to me. Send painkillers to Jack.

Shelbot's band is playing, and selling tea.
THE CASSETTES: Hello Ladies & Gentlemen of the DC area... Washington's very own Vaudeville "Brackish Euro Folk Garage Band" (a description given to us by the discernible tastes of Twisted Branch Tea Bazaar) THE CASSETTES are performing...

WE WILL BE SELLING OUR TEA BLEND, "THE CAPTAIN'S CHOICE" AT THIS SHOW, a tea blend that has received rave reviews by the proprietor of High Chai (highchai.com) in NYC amongst many others!!

10.06.05
True, I said I didn't care if the NHL ever came back. In fact, I said I hoped it disappeared, making room for more fratty t-shirt sports, like naked co-ed archery or Christian Women's Wrestling. But...behold! Alexander the Great. "On his first shift, the future star of the Capitals threw a body check so hard it dislodged the support between two pieces of plexiglass along the end boards, causing a three-minute stoppage of play." He then scored two goals in his first game. Wilbon adds, "It's not just that Ovechkin is supremely skilled, which he is. It's not just that he seems, eerily, to be where the puck is an instant before it arrives. The kid may be only 20 but he's also a showman, demonstrative without being obnoxious. Only seconds into his first game, on his very first shift, he delivered a big hit, a KO that made you go, "Ooooh." He skates away from defensemen, hits like a freight train, finishes scoring chances." Who's got free tickets?

Python vs. alligator in swamp. "A 13-foot Burmese python recently burst after it apparently tried to swallow a live, six-foot alligator whole, authorities said."

In torturing people news, President Bush is sad: Senate Supports Interrogation Limits: 90-9 Vote on the Treatment of Detainees Is a Bipartisan Rebuff of the White House. And the wingnuts are mad: Conservative Revolt Intensifies: GOP activists say Miers nomination is a betrayal of long struggle to move court to the right.

10.05.05 - Happy Birthday, Rebenga!
Yesterday: I drove down into Northern Virginia, home of 1 billion cars, 9,999,899 of them with idiot vanity plates and loathesome faux-patriotic ribbon magnet(s). Got mired for hours behind a major accident involving oil-bearing tractor trailers. Listened to my new CD, my only CD, many, many times in a row. Caught up with Jill and Lauren and followed them into Richmond. Hung out with Jill's friendly collection of exes and drank Legend Brown Ale. Half-watched the most depressing fucking movie, taking breaks to whine about it, chat on the phone, and read the book Bob loaned me, which sports some unfortunate raised gold titling. Slept for appoximately one hour on a beautiful, antique loveseat that was never meant for sleeping upon, dreamt about skydiving from great, great heights. Drove back up through Virginia to work this morning, dumping water on my head to keep from falling asleep and dying - I can't believe people do that every day - and immediately had to do one hundred monkey tricks.

10.03.05 - happy new year!
RECOMMENDED: "The ten days starting with Rosh Hashanah and ending with Yom Kippur are commonly known as the Days of Awe (Yamim Noraim) or the Days of Repentance. This is a time for serious introspection, a time to consider the sins of the previous year and repent before Yom Kippur. Among the customs of this time, it is common to seek reconciliation with people you may have wronged during the course of the year."

NOT AS RECOMMENDED: "Another custom observed during this time is kapparot. This is rarely practiced today, and is observed in its true form only by Chasidic and occasionally Orthodox Jews. Basically, you purchase a live fowl, and on the morning before Yom Kippur you wave it over your head reciting a prayer asking that the fowl be considered atonement for sins. The fowl is then slaughtered and given to the poor (or its value is given). Some Jews today simply use a bag of money instead of a fowl."

09.30.05 - Jimmy's olde tyme version
It's the season of fresh starts and clean slates for our Orange County friends, and I think I'll adopt the theme for myself as well. The first thing I'm going to do is to stop hating Republicans. What's not to love? From mw, "Congressional Democrats blasted former Education Secretary William Bennett on Thursday for saying that aborting 'every black baby in this country' would reduce the crime rate". I mean, I love abortion as much as the next baby, but why would we want to reduce crime? Wait, I'm not making sense. I must've accidentally wandered across the aisle.

How the badonk got its adonk. Rebonga says, "y’all are going to love this site, no question. click on the pics to mouse over and see this dude's retouching magic. pay special attention to that booty y'all." Glenn Feron - The Art of Retouching.

Edward also sent me a song. Hey, Edward. Why don't you just take over the whole site, huh?

Iron & Wine (and Calixico) > Sixteen Maybe Less

Submitted by Little Timmy on January 29, 2005

beyond the ridge on the left, you asked me what i want
between the trees and the chirping by the shading pond
I spent an hour with you, should I want anything else?

she rose and winked like the owner of a candy store
we were sixteen maybe less, maybe a little more
I walked home smiling, I finally had a story to tell

and though an autumn-time lullaby sang our new-born love to sleep
my brother wrote me, he saw her there
in the woods one Christmas eve, asleep

I met my wife at a party when i drank too much
my son is married and tells me we don’t talk enough
it’s so predictable, yesterday my dream was of you:

beyond the ridge on the left, the sun had left the sky
between the trees and pond you put your hand mine,
said "time has bridled us both but I remember it, too"

and though an autumn-time lullaby sang our new-born love to sleep
I dreamt I traveled and found you there
in the woods one Christmas eve
with me

JUNEBULLET SAYS: Girl Friday is tonight. Betynka, Danielita and I are dj'ing and proceeds go to Katrina relief efforts. Plus, get a free copy of DC Style magazine. I mean I'm sure you've been meaning to buy a copy of the newest issue and check out the interview with the First Ladies, but we'll just go ahead and save you the trouble.

Girl Friday
Fri. Sept. 30
10:00 pm - 2:00 am
$5 | all ages!
Black Cat Backstage
1811 14th St NW
www.firstladiesdc.com

09.29.05
Not really Left to Right:
Danielle, nice chick. Patrick, cracked my head on the kitchen floor Tuesday night. Jaime, The Red-Headed Terror. Dave, most likely to become self-made back-to the-land millionaire hippie. Katie, voted "Best Hair" last night. Brian, sorry I didn't give you a ride to work today. Allison, the girl all the boys liked in college, so I hear. Mary (with baby inside), what all the fuss is about. Troy, says vodka is the new cotton, so is wearing white vodka pants. Gail, I remember her name because it's also mine. Jeff, wore a real jack-o-lantern on his head last Halloween. Edward, "lil digger." Jacob, future RV Park owner. Hemal, really liked that Landlocked Blues song. Payal, kindly sister of Hemal. Jaime, telebosses me, believes in hotdish. Cheryl, urban plans things. SLyon, the librarian of your dreams. Meredith, professional rock star. Cindy, plans to run naked around the Washington Monument. Not pictured: me, ran out to do a stupid errand and missed the photo session. James, brother of Edward, husband of Mary, also took the four square picture below.

09.28.05

SCENE: Nighttime, front porch. Various characters. Weird homemade mead.

CONFLICT: In the Kenny Rogers song "The Gambler," does the gambler a) die that night on the train, or b) not die.

CHARACTERS: James, Mary, Brian, Jenny, Edward, and four others desperately wishing we would talk about something else. Brian believes, based on the textual evidence, that the gambler literally dies on the train. James posits that the genre dictates this tragic ending. I maintain that the gambler's apparent death is only an extension of the working metaphor. Ed says you're only debt-free when you die. Let's begin! Listen, read, and take this important poll.

THE GAMBLER, Kenny Rogers
On a warm summer's evenin' on a train bound for nowhere,
I met up with the gambler; we were both too tired to sleep.
So we took turns a starin' out the window at the darkness
'Til boredom overtook us, and he began to speak.

He said, "Son, I've made a life out of readin' people's faces,
And knowin' what their cards were by the way they held their eyes.
And if you don't mind my sayin', I can see you're out of aces.
For a taste of your whiskey I'll give you some advice."

So I handed him my bottle and he drank down my last swallow.
Then he bummed a cigarette and asked me for a light.
And the night got deathly quiet, and his face lost all expression.
Said, "If you're gonna play the game, boy, ya gotta learn to play it right.

You got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em,
Know when to walk away and know when to run.
You never count your money when you're sittin' at the table.
There'll be time enough for countin' when the dealin's done.

Ev'ry gambler knows that the secret to survivin'
Is knowin' what to throw away and knowing what to keep.
'Cause ev'ry hand's a winner and ev'ry hand's a loser,
And the best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep."

And when he'd finished speakin', he turned back towards the window,
Crushed out his cigarette and faded off to sleep.
And somewhere in the darkness the gambler, he broke even.
But in his final words I found an ace that I could keep.

HEAR YE! Meredith Bragg & also The Terminals

Should you be so inclined, please enjoy attending the rare hometown performance of the critically-acclaimed Meredith Bragg and his band, the world-weary, hard-luck, romance-bitten Terminals. With the departure of our cellist Elizabeth to the southern hemisphere, the Terminals now consist only of me and Jon, and our increasing surly disrespect for Meredith and his work is worth seeing now, before the inevitable, bitter end.

At the historic cabaret The Velvet Lounge, conveniently located at 915 U Street NW, around 9 o'clock. Also visit our ongoing internet concern at http://www.meredithbragg.com to win valuable prizes.

PS - I understand that there is also a Sprites show tonight at DC9. We will be angrily storming their backstage shortly after performing.

09.27.05 - Happy Big 5-0 to SSB!
Moonlight Mile, Bears Will Attack, wherein our hero describes his weekend in detail.
Puberty Pals, Kittenpants. "Today we bring you a sneak preview of the upcoming Kittenpants-produced feature film, PUBERTY: THE MOVIE. The movie stars Joe Lo Truglio, Caitlin Miller, Todd Barry, David Wain, Jon Benjamin, Eugene Mirman, Corn Mo, and Amy Sedaris, as the voice of a talking penis."
Sherm also just happens to be 50. We enjoy a broad demographic here beneath the HK umbrella.

09.26.05

My friends are getting a lot of mileage out of that photo.... Emerson House hosted a perfectly darling baby shower brunch for James and Mary this weekend. It was heartwarming to look around our living room, many times the scene of debauchery/karaoke, and see everyone freshly scrubbed and handling baby booties. Jaime Hotdish made onesies of us all, captioned with our collected wisdom/advice/cautionary tales for baby...ten little onesies that probably oughtn't be worn outside the house. My little suit's modeled by BlaBla monkey, a gift from Katie and Troy. We also played this effed up ELECTRIC SHOCK GAME. This is the game to play, perhaps on a first date, to judge a potential mate's pain threshold.

Music class: Stopped by that big protest thing on Saturday night, in time to see Le Tigre. They rawked, cutely. Here, do a little cublicle dance to On The Verge

. In town this week: Meredith Bragg + The Terminals are doing an instore tonight at Crooked Beat records, and playing a show proper Wednesday night at Velvet Lounge. Come by and see Brian all hunched over his keyboards...Ed lent me this new Iron & Wine/Calexico In the Reins EP.... Not sure yet which of the seven songs is the best, but I'll post this one based on Pitchfork's opinion, "But the real highlight is also the biggest shock: History of Lovers

is what Fleetwood Mac's Rumours might have sounded like if it had been recorded in Memphis, complete with steel guitar trim and a great horn arrangement to go with some stunning harmonies and an unbelievable vocal melody."

Rebongaz took this great picture of me and Ryan. We were dating for a minute, but decided we looked too much alike.

09.22.05 - Fall has sprung.
Last night I had some very hot, long lasting, and deeply felt conversation. It was exhausting! But today I feel rejuvenated. Bring it on, world! Oh, wait, just kidding. You know what's not funny because it's true? Global warming. Texas is about to get messed with, no matter its threatening bumper stickers.

a bus story, by SLyon.
this morning i'm standing on the bus, ipod in hand. i feel a little tug on my sleeve, and three darling children are looking up at me. "what're you listening to?". i look down at my ipod. crap. "uh, music?" "what kind of music? what's the song?" i look down at my ipod. it says CHEAP TRICK - track- HE'S A WHORE. oh, darling children. it's too early in the morning to announce this to you, let alone the whole back of the bus. instead of replying, i ignore the question. of course, children being children, they won't take a hint. a few minutes later, tug tug. i quickly scrolled down to neutral territory and let them see that it's FRANZ FERDINAND - track - TAKE ME OUT. then i had the giggles, because HE'S A WHORE is the best name for a song, ever.

Another heartwarming TAIL, from bob.
It was on the website last night for nyregion, but now it's nowhere to be found w/out the search engine. Perhaps it was just from yesterday's paper, in which case, you've seen it 15X already. Reading from this article has stopped all the goddamned cute baby panda cooing and the practice of stopping in parking lots for same-sex blowjobs before you go home to your boring wife and retarded mcdonald's chomping spawn has been deemed "disgusting," and "EWW!" I'll take blowjobs, please. A Sex Stop On the Way Home, nytimes.

09.21.05
I've received some nice presents lately, and they're the kind I can share. First, Matt made me this great mix. When I make a mix, it usually never actually comes to exist beyond these notebook paper lists sitting here on my desk. But this mix took about 15 minutes to conceive, create and deliver. There's a lesson there. This mix is also special because, as Matt said, the last one he made me was stuff *he* liked (and the cover was a photo of a dude rolling his penis around a stick), whereas this mix has songs on it *I* like. And breasts. So here you go.

And last Friday I got this cool little book in the mail from Mike Topp. I don't know Mike Topp personally, but what kind of guy just sends you his cool little book in the mail. An awesome guy, that's what kind.

09.20.05 - happy birthday mrs. shauna "esg" cowal!
Sorry about yesterday. The Hottboxx done wore me out, and when I got to work I found I'd been promoted to Vice President of Codebots in Charge of Cubicle Carpet and Coffee Straws and, well, there went the whole damn day.

THE 'SKINS HAVE SCORED TWO TOUCHDOWNS, ARE 2-0. From Jarcob Wascalus: "did you see......last night i almost gave up and turned the television off, but my propensity for masochism propelled me to continue to watch the Redskins once again get pummeled by the Cowboys. but holy shit! they pulled it out. did you see?"

Hell yeah I saw! The offense was god-awful for three and a half quarters, and then *boom* they scored twice in 70 seconds on two long strikes from Mark-sacked-again Brunell to wide receiver not-Randy Moss. Woah! The best part was when the guys dumped the water cooler on grinning, giggly Joe Gibbs. What a cutie pie.

A FRIENDSTER LOVE STORY: CHAPTER 1

to Jenny
from michael
Date: Monday, September 19, 2005 10:39:00 AM
Subject: hey
Message: Hey , Im Michael, living in the heart of west coast,
and I like to meet someone with god fearing heart,
someone who care, maybe we could start with
being friends, who know? We might end up as I
have been looking , and search for the right
person, for I so much long for a lasting
relationshipif you do not mine give it a try for the
trial might convince you, that there is still some
good men out there.take care of your self and
write back.michael.

to michael
From Jenny
Date: Monday, September 19, 11:13:00 AM
Subject re: hey
Message: Hi Michael. I am an atheist lesbian.
Why are you writing me?

michael
Date: Monday, September 19, 2005 5:16:00 PM
Subject: Re: hey
Message: Hey Nice hearing from you.....I like you and that is
why I wrote you and I do not think there is any
thing bad in writting someone you find special, for I
do think relationship is meant for two , and when
you find some you likes you go out right and say it
out.....I know you might be seating with a woman ,
but a man will be more fun....take care write
back...sweet kisses from michael.

Jenny wrote:

Maybe you're right. Women are a major pain. I see you live in Gambia. What are the ladies like there?

michael wrote:
Hey Jenny, Nice hearing from you again, that is so sweet, I will first say good hearing from you....well , well , well, there is always one woman out there or here but we all have want , something we like, there are lots of women out here but since we all has our ways of seeing things they too might have their own ways of seeing things , nor what they too might like, but there is one thing that matter more to me, background? some or most of them has Muslim background and which we christtians would not like , mostly looking at the present day wars between their act and so on, so you can see we should have total vew concerning them , for future matters, there will be a stage when they will want people to come very closed to them....enough of that for now, if not some might be sweet but the end could be something we could have nothing to write home about...take care and write back.....from michael.

09.19.05
Last night I almost walked into a giant spider in the middle of its giant spiderweb. But I didn't. I just got a little web on me. And I turned back toward the house to tell Edward to come and look at the big spider and web and I was glad I did, because I'd left my wallet sitting on the porch, and I was about to go out and I wouldn't have gotten very far without my wallet. So Edward came out and we looked at the spider, which was pretty scary and awful, and he agreed it was a good thing I hadn't walked into it, and he considered killing it, briefly, but I didn't think that was a very good idea. That's about how my weekend was, thanks for asking.

09.16.05 - les and mimes.
Sallypants says, "Your favorite folk rocker is going to be on NPR today at one pm!" Lisa Moscatiello's busy promoting her new album, Trouble From the Start. She named it after you. I grabbed a few mp3s off her site, but they're those fakey mp3s that are only like a minute long that really piss me off. I guess I'll have to buy the damn thing. Rich local folkies squeezing money out of us all the time...

Big freakin' news flash: Supermodel does coke! Doh! Kate Moss loves the blow. Listen people, you don't get skinny like me and Kate by eating. Rails for breakfast will melt those pounds fast.

Sarah addendums:
*"evil dean" -- it's my favorite stock character of all time. I sure hope he keeps wearing sweater vests and prep school uniforms. It just enhances his 80s-ness, and we all know that's the decade when all the truly evil deans got their Masters in Education.

**Still, the most amazing thing to me is how fast they got that carnival together. As an Event Planner/Expert Witness that shit is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

***I almost liked it better when the dean expelled them "just because." I mean, sure, Ryan and Marissa are fuck ups -- but, whatever! This is just because Tim is all bitter that his baby-raccoon of a wife left him for some poontang, even after he listened to all her stupid stories about sea creatures and carnivals.

hahaha....is chan marshall really crazy, or what?
is that rebongaz in the mask?
i love the blissed out seals.

chan marshall is either way kooky, or way savvy. i remain undecided. her voice is great tho.
it is rebongaz indeed!
the seals were sooo awesome. they got alarmed when we neared, but since seals are so lazy that only entailed making the loud "oorgh oorgh" sounds and rearing their heads up for maybe a couple of seconds.

on the chan note, i just remembered something [someone] shared with me when (s)he was still working at a music law firm in ny. they represented so many people, from lil' kim to cat power. so apparently, every time chan got paid in this era, she would rent a limousine and take all of her friends out on the town for insanely extravagant dinners and nights out. then a few days later, she'd call the law firm all, "(meekly, with sound of hair-chewing) heeyy, it's chan, um i need more money."

09.14.05
What are you doing here, huh? What do you want from me? Do you want sex, captured on X-rays? Because that I've got. "Ever wonder what hospital staff do in their spare time?" NOT. SAFE. FOR. WORK. Not safe for anybody, really. Blame Bob and Hillbilly Andy.

Q: What is Bush's position on Roe v. Wade?
A: He doesn't really care how people get out of New Orleans.

This is hilarious, from SLyon: mimi smartypants links to harrisonburg school lunches at Waterman elementary. read all about it:

"Remember when I got all obsessive about Googling school lunch menus? Maybe you don't, maybe I managed to keep something to myself for once in my fucking life. Regardless, I have hit the motherlode. I can't stop looking at this site, even though I almost screamed out loud when I saw the Ham and Cheese Pita. You also must click on the link in the main page's right-hand corner called 'What do I do with these pictures?' The answer is not 'consider veganism while scrubbing out your brain with bleach,' surprisingly."

Chertoff delayed federal response, memo shows, Deb D. "WASHINGTON - (KRT) - The federal official with the power to mobilize a massive federal response to Hurricane Katrina was Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff, not the former FEMA chief who was relieved of his duties and resigned earlier this week, federal documents reviewed by Knight Ridder show. Even before the storm struck the Gulf Coast, Chertoff could have ordered federal agencies into action without any request from state or local officials. Federal Emergency Management Agency chief Michael Brown had only limited authority to do so until about 36 hours after the storm hit, when Chertoff designated him as the 'principal federal official'in charge of the storm."

Writing's not working for me today, so I'll fill this space with a bunch of awesome Katrina pics (rolling into Alabama), and the first two paragraphs of Harper's Weekly Review. Marla says, "i like the part where the woman says, sheeit, i haven't even run out of weed!" My favorite part is "Republicans promised to probe themselves."

WEEKLY REVIEW Emergency officials in Louisiana requested 25,000 body bags for victims of Hurricane Katrina, and a total evacuation of New Orleans was ordered. Much of the city was still underwater, though several people who lived on high ground objected to the evacuation. "I haven't even run out of weed yet," said one woman. Houston, Texas, the headquarters of contractors Halliburton and Baker Hughes, was preparing for a boom; one real-estate firm was offering special financing deals "for hurricane survivors only." Wealthy residents of New Orleans were devising ways to rebuild the city with a minimum of poor people. Barbara Bush visited the Astrodome and said that, given that the evacuees were "underprivileged anyway," things were "working out very well" for them, and Representative Richard Baker gave the hurricane credit for finally cleaning up public housing in New Orleans. The government began to award no-bid contracts for the reconstruction, and President George W. Bush signed an executive order to allow federal contractors working in the wake of Katrina to pay their workers less than the prevailing wage. When questioned by House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi over his administration's response to the storm, Bush asked, "What didn't go right?" He also declared September 16 to be a national day of prayer. Dick Cheney toured the South. "Go fuck yourself, Mr. Cheney," yelled Ben Marble, a Mississippi physician who lost his home in the hurricane. "Go fuck yourself." Marble was handcuffed and later released. Republicans promised to probe themselves.

It was revealed that evacuees from the hurricane had been flown to Charleston, West Virginia, where no one expected them, instead of Charleston, South Carolina, where accommodations and doctors were waiting. Doctors in New Orleans admitted that they had euthanized critically ill patients rather than leaving them to suffer. "Those who had no chance of making it," said an emergency official, "were given a lot of morphine and lain down in a dark place to die." Bob Denver, best known for his role as the hapless, incompetent, shipwrecked Gilligan, died. Michael Brown, director of FEMA, was found to have lied on his resume and was removed from the Hurricane Katrina relief effort and sent back to Washington, D.C., to administer FEMA at a national level. "I'm going to go home," he said, "and walk my dog and hug my wife, and maybe get a good Mexican meal and a stiff margarita and a full night's sleep." He later resigned. FEMA officials asked journalists not to take pictures of dead bodies, and China announced that the death tolls from natural disasters would no longer be classified as state secrets. Germany surpassed the United States to become the world's number-one exporter, and California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that he would veto a bill legalizing same-sex marriage. A large bulge appeared in Oregon.

09.13.05 - over there: mandy and aj, by jess

The highlight of my weekend, besides getting lucky at the zoo, was certainly happy hour with Steve and Zulkey, out of the office through September 13th. Bob and I tried to keep the conversation above board, like we always do, but they could discuss nothing but sex with corpses. I mean, sex and corpses. They are a charming if nasty couple.

Feeling jerked around lately? World dragging you down, then kicking you back up? Over and over and over, until you're like a delicious, but overcooked noodle? Yes, to the point where I was barely irked last night when I discovered my motorcycle missing. I figured, correctly, that the dude(s) had probably gotten it about halfway down the alley before realizing the error of their thieving ways. I'll bet dude #1 was all, "Hey! This is probably special to someone! We really shouldn't hurt that someone's feelings with this selfish and callous act." And dude #2 was like, "If there's one thing the disaster on the Gulf coast has shown me, it's that we have to stick it to the Man, not our neighbors." And then they left Bitty behind a garage down the street. Thanks, dudes.

Happy anniversaries! To Matt & Shauna (yesterday) and Katie & Troy (tomorrow). Great weddings! You will all totally get your wedding presents really soon. I'm making them myself. It's homemade porn.

09.09.05 - let's be poems
Love the earth and sun and animals, Despise riches, give alms to everyone that asks, Stand up for the stupid and crazy, Devote your income and labor to others ... And your very flesh shall be a great poem.
- Walt Whitman

LINER NOTES: Because I care.
1. "Singin all about NYC and the nightlife." underblog.
2. from So Jealous, which is so awesome. if you like fucked up love songs.
3. "secret heart is a ron sexsmith song, but she does it better." shauna.
4. a bitter song you can send to your ex when she moves on long before you do.
5. a bitter song you can send to your ex, if she happens to be Jerry Hall. From the new album.
6. everyone wants letters and soda, but you get fucking and running, and that's if you're lucky. le sigh.
7. no one does pitiful like stephin merritt.
8. i don't know how this song got in my iTunes, but it says "Every child of God's a brat," which is nice.
9. The Official Driving Home Song of 2005
10. another driving anthem.
11. Rufus covering his dad's song, makes it only slightly gayer.
12. a good bottoming out song, from Kimya*

* Kristina says, "singer/songwriter kimya dawson (k records/ex-moldy peaches) has come up with the brilliant idea of donating music to young people affected by hurricane katrina. she's looking for all kinds of music to send teens relocated to houston. so please dig through your closets and find whatever you have to spare that you think these teens would appreciate! kimya dawson's music donation program: now that so many of us have ipods, who has discmen and walkmen and boomboxes and stereo and cassettes and cds lying around that we don't use anymore? let's start a music donation program. we all know music heals."

In my own private celebration of the working class, the second of The People's Reciplex was launched on Labor Day. As one of my old bosses would say, it was a "soft launch," i.e. "post it to the web but don't tell anyone because something is probably wrong with it." Very professional... just like the Reciplex.

I think it's all working now... so go off and enjoy! Share your recipes with the people and enjoy the recipes of others... and email me if something needs fixin' (thanks!).

09.07.05

Before returning to the storm, I have a few things to say. Actually, Peaches has something to say. Go ahead, Peaches. I like the innocent type Deer in the headlight Rocking me all night Flexing his might Doing it right Keeping me tight Taking a bite out of the peach tonight. Thank you, Peaches. Is that all? Licky licky sucky, Nobody here can tell me they don't wanna fucky fucky. All right, then. Here's the song: AA XXX, c/o Shauna. The other thing I want to say is, God helps those who help themselves. So please, help yourself to whatever you want. Everything's yours for the taking, without consequences. Isn't that neat? Look at Jesus there with that television: he's not worried. And neither should you be. Rob the store until it's all robbed out, and then just go find yourself a new store! The whole world is your store! Buy it, rob it, or scheme your way in, just remember to HELP YOURSELF.

As a matter of social policy, the catastrophic lack of response in New Orleans is exceptional only in its scale and immediacy. When it comes to caring for our fellow countrymen, we all know that America has never ranked very high. We are, of course, the only democracy in the developed world that doesn't offer health care to its citizens as a matter of right. We rank 34th among nations in infant mortality rates, behind such rival superpowers as Cyprus, Andorra and Brunei.

But these are chronic conditions, and even many of us who argue for universal health coverage have grown inured to that distinctly American indifference to the common good, to our radical lack of solidarity with our fellow citizens. Besides, the poor generally have the decency to die discreetly, and discretely -- not conspicuously, not in droves. Come rain or come shine, we leave millions of beleaguered Americans to fend for themselves on a daily basis. It's just a lot more noticeable in a horrific rain, and when the ordinary lack of access to medical care is augmented by an extraordinary lack of access to emergency services.

Even if we'll never win the national-greatness sweepstakes for solidarity, though, we've long been the model of the world in matters infrastructural, in roads, bridges and dams and the like. But the America in which Eisenhower the Good decreed the construction of the interstate highway system now seems a far-off land in which even conservatives believed in public expenditures for the public good. The radical-capitalist conservatives of the past quarter-century not only haven't supported the public expenditures, they don't even believe there is such a thing as the public good. Let the Dutch build their dikes through some socialistic scheme of taxing and spending; that isn't the American way. Here, the business of government is to let the private sector create wealth -- even if that wealth doesn't circulate where it's most needed. So George W. Bush threw trillions of dollars in tax cuts to the wealthiest Americans, and what did they do with it? Did the Walton family up in Bentonville raise the levees in New Orleans? Did the Bass family over in Texas write a tax-deductible check to the Mennonites for the billions of dollars they would need to rescue the elderly from inundated nursing homes?

Even now, with bedraggled rescuers pulling decomposed bodies from the muck of New Orleans, Bill Frist, the moral cretin who runs the U.S. Senate, wanted its first order of business this week to be the permanent repeal of the estate tax, until the public outcry persuaded him to change course. The Republicans profess belief in trickle-down, but what they've given us is the Flood.

The world looks on in stunned amazement, unable to understand how a once great nation has grown so indifferent not just to its poor and its blacks but even to the most rudimentary self-preservation. Some of it is institutional racism, but the primary culprit is the economic libertarianism that the president still espouses whenever he sells his Social Security snake oil. It's that libertarianism, more than anything else, that has transformed a great city into an immense morgue.

But, hey -- stuff happens.

meyersonh@washpost.com

But Hurricane Katrina also underscores a much larger problem: the growing number of Americans trapped in a never-ending cyclone of poverty. And while it may be too early to apportion blame definitively for the mishandling of the hurricane, even President Bush's own administration acknowledges that America's poverty is worsening on his watch.

The U.S. Census Bureau reported a few days ago that the poverty rate rose again last year, with 1.1 million more Americans living in poverty in 2004 than a year earlier. After declining sharply under Bill Clinton, the number of poor people has now risen 17 percent under Mr. Bush.

If it's shameful that we have bloated corpses on New Orleans streets, it's even more disgraceful that the infant mortality rate in America's capital is twice as high as in China's capital. That's right - the number of babies who died before their first birthdays amounted to 11.5 per thousand live births in 2002 in Washington, compared with 4.6 in Beijing.

Indeed, according to the United Nations Development Program, an African-American baby in Washington has less chance of surviving its first year than a baby born in urban parts of the state of Kerala in India.

Under Mr. Bush, the national infant mortality rate has risen for the first time since 1958. The U.S. ranks 43rd in the world in infant mortality, according to the C.I.A.'s World Factbook; if we could reach the level of Singapore, ranked No. 1, we would save 18,900 children's lives each year.

So in some ways the poor children evacuated from New Orleans are the lucky ones because they may now get checkups and vaccinations. Nationally, 29 percent of children had no health insurance at some point in the last 12 months, and many get neither checkups nor vaccinations. On immunizations, the U.S. ranks 84th for measles and 89th for polio.

One of the most dispiriting elements of the catastrophe in New Orleans was the looting. I covered the 1995 earthquake that leveled much of Kobe, Japan, killing 5,500, and for days I searched there for any sign of criminal behavior. Finally I found a resident who had seen three men steal food. I asked him whether he was embarrassed that Japanese would engage in such thuggery.

"No, you misunderstand," he said firmly. "These looters weren't Japanese. They were foreigners."

The reasons for this are complex and partly cultural, but one reason is that Japan has tried hard to stitch all Japanese together into the nation's social fabric. In contrast, the U.S. - particularly under the Bush administration - has systematically cut people out of the social fabric by redistributing wealth from the most vulnerable Americans to the most affluent.

It's not just that funds may have gone to Iraq rather than to the levees in New Orleans; it's also that money went to tax cuts for the wealthiest rather than vaccinations for children.

None of this is to suggest that there are easy solutions for American poverty. As Ronald Reagan once said, "We fought a war on poverty, and poverty won." But we don't need to be that pessimistic - in the late 1990's, we made real headway. A ray of hope is beautifully presented in one of the best books ever written on American poverty, "American Dream," by my Times colleague Jason DeParle.

So the best monument to the catastrophe in New Orleans would be a serious national effort to address the poverty that afflicts the entire country. And in our shock and guilt, that may be politically feasible. Rich Lowry of The National Review, in defending Mr. Bush, offered an excellent suggestion: "a grand right-left bargain that includes greater attention to out-of-wedlock births from the Left in exchange for the Right's support for more urban spending." That would be the best legacy possible for Katrina.

Otherwise, long after the horrors have left TV screens, about 50 of the 77 babies who die each day, on average, will die needlessly, because of poverty. That's the larger hurricane of poverty that shames our land.

E-mail: nicholas@nytimes.com

Yesterday I said I'd make you an afternoon mixtape, but that was yesterday, and I didn't really mean it anyway. Now you are conditioned to be disappointed! But really, I'll try to get one up this afternoon, for real, trust me. Meantime, I'll leave you with this great tune: You're So Vain, by Ms. Carly Simon.

Here's a brand new painting by Julie Comnick, posted to her site today. I'll bet she'd let you guys name it. Send your suggestions to gaipanandi at aol dot com.

09.06.05
Happy birthday to the world's awesomest sister, Jesse, seen there in New Orleans circa 2 B.K. Jess, I know you are having a super shitty birthday, so I'll play a fun song for you: I Know What Women Want, My Robot Friend.

This week 400 families are supposed to arrive at the DC Armory from New Orleans. The DC govt is asking that people don't make individual in-kind donations directly to the Armory. Instead, they ask that you give money to the Red Cross or actually volunteer in-person after signing up with the city's volunteer agency Serve DC. (So much red tape just help people it's ridiculous.) However, a police station in SW is accepting in-kind donations from individuals of water and basic toiletries to take to evacuees. The delivery site is:

First District Station
415 4th Street, SW
Washington, DC 20024
Phone: 202-698-0515
Fax: (202) 727-4026

09.04.05
Jaime and Jacob's friends Amelia and Courtney got out of New Olreans four days after the storm hit. Read their story on Amelia's site here: slughunter. "i know everyone thinks we were crazy for not wanting to leave our animals, but when you live paycheck to paycheck, have no car, and pets- you have no choice. they asked us to evacuate 4 days before payday, and 3 days before the hurricane hit. we had no way to get out. i am just glad that we decided to stick it out and not go to the superdome, as we may still be in new orleans, and our animals would be dead."

i know that there are many ways to help victims of the hurricane and i know that it might seem silly for me to tell you how you can help animals. but i worked with a great organization in new orleans, the southern animal foundtaion, and just wanted to let you know that there is a way to directly help a wonderful animal organization that had been a staple in our neighborhood.

southern animal foundation evacuated to baton rouge before the hurricane. i'm unclear as to whether they took all of their animals before the hurricane hit, but i know that they returned a few days ago, rescuing many people and more animals. my friend amelia and her boyfriend were among those rescued.

saf is a great organization - they run a non-profit no-kill shelter and clinic in the lower garden district, which has a mix of mostly low to middle class residents. they provide free care to those who cannot afford to pay for it and are always at capacity in the number of animals they are housing. they were recently working on getting funding to open a neighborhood pet adoption and education center, to be geared towards giving the lower income children and families a place to safely gather and learn about animals.

saf also employs 10-15 people who will be out of work if saf is unable to stay open. the people i worked with there were wonderful, mostly native new orleansers. i don't know if they'll choose to go back to new orleans, but i do know that they have many animals (i heard over 80) right now and need help with the costs.

again, there is a much larger issue right now with helping people - and i am giving to help humans as well. but saf is a great organization and if you have any extra money that's burning a hole in your pocket, they would be most appreciative, as would i.

09.02.05 - post taco night edition
There's really no excuse to feel anything but lucky and grateful today, as 1.) it is Friday, and 2.) we woke up alive in our own dry beds, surrounded by all our things, useful, sentimental, and stupid. So I don't want to hear your bellyaching. Common theme: "they never, ever ask for shared sacrifice." A Can't-Do Government, nytimes, Marla. Via Wonkette: MSNBC photojournalist talks about what he "couldn't" air. See also: Nagin's Nightmare: Full Transcript. "CNN just sent out the full transcript of the New Orleans Mayor's emotional and (understandably) expletive-laden interview on local radio yesterday: 'excuse my French everybody in America, but I am pissed.'"

This Space for Rent Archive XIX: Fall, 2005.

ADULTS ONLY, YO!

FW: my new hair
S.Lyon to me

Heck's Kitchen Proudly Presents:

Premembering Brian: A BWA Memorial Video, Just In Case He Ever Passes On

By Edward Wiley Johnson

Leonard Cohen: Chelsea Hotel #2

Heck's 6 Best Songs About Doing-It-Yourself

Rainy Friday Tuneage from roomie "big" dave:

HEAR YE! Meredith Bragg & also The Terminals

A FRIENDSTER LOVE STORY: CHAPTER 1

This Space for Rent Archive XIX: Fall, 2005.

ADULTS ONLY, YO!

FW: my new hair S.Lyon to me

Heck's Kitchen Proudly Presents:

Premembering Brian: A BWA Memorial Video, Just In Case He Ever Passes On By Edward Wiley Johnson

Leonard Cohen: Chelsea Hotel #2

Heck's 6 Best Songs About Doing-It-Yourself

Rainy Friday Tuneage from roomie "big" dave:

HEAR YE! Meredith Bragg & also The Terminals

A FRIENDSTER LOVE STORY: CHAPTER 1

FW: my new hair
S.Lyon to me

Premembering Brian: A BWA Memorial Video, Just In Case He Ever Passes On

By Edward Wiley Johnson