Jenny Miller | Heck's Kitchen Pantry, 2005

03.02.05
Today I am very excited to announce the appearance of our own Melissa Dettloff in TIME magazine. She wrote me last month: How *honk*ing cute is this?

"guess what?
supposedly, apparently, i am going to be in time magazine
march 8 issue
but only in the supplemental thing that subscribers get, so it won't be in
the newsstand issue.
i talked to a reporter in december & we had a good talk
her article is supposedly about "diy fashion"
then we took the photos a few weeks ago and it was a
TOTAL NIGHTMARE
i'm dreading seeing them
but my parents are excited."

What a lucky little blog purveyor I am today. Because we also have Dana(r), of The People's Reciplex fame, providing an exciting new book recommendation. Heck's Reading is Fun® Week just won't end!

The Diamond Age: Or, a Young Lady's Illustrated Primer
by Neal Stephenson

Stephenson doesn't get hung up on his own smart pants The Diamond Age has everything I could want in a novel... imaginative sci-fi ideas and technology, insights into class and psychology, a cool twisty plot, and a heart-melting but fierce little girl character. After I finished this book, I mourned the fact that it was over, idly hoped for a sequel, and then confined myself to reading non-fiction for several months. I'm still wondering if it will be years before I encounter a sci-fi novel of equal quality. (Not to mention that the next one should also be of suitable size and weight for carrying on the train – more recent Neal Stephenson novels require some serious upper body strength.)

Now that we all know how much I loved this book, let it also be known that this author is wicked smart. He uses adverbs such as "insouciantly," yet somehow doesn't get hung up on his own smart pants. Yes, I had to learn new words and but the majority of the writing was pure fun. During an amusingly casual courtroom scene, characters say things like "Chill out, man" and score points for a good burn by licking a finger and making an imaginary mark in the air. Readers are never treated to any intellectual preaching – Stephenson has mastered "showing it, not telling it."

Try not to be alarmed by the subtitle, "A Young Lady's Illustrated Primer." It may sound like insufferably proper silliness, but the engineer who creates "A Young Lady’s Illustrated Primer" is a member of a neo-Victorian culture. His eventual banishment is one of the most entertaining parts of the story and the primer contains some pretty kick-ass fantasy stories of its own. Read it, then help me find other good novels (preferably under 5 lbs in weight) until Stephenson is inspired to do a sequel to this one.

-Danar

03.01.05
Did we just say last week that chubby, white, gay men are the authority on ladies fashion? We did. Well, I haven't seen Jack in a while, so he may or may not be chubby, but he's certainly the HK authority on all things Oscars! Even when we disagree (Eh, Chris Rock? Here's what Tim Robbins thought of Rock's dig at his politics. From Kittenpants). Now sit back, relax, and prepare for Jack's Third Annual Post-Oscars Awards and Fashion Dish!

Where Have All the Big Stars Gone?

Hey everyone! Whew. Quite a show last night. Oscars 2005 actually had some suspense for once - some was awards-related (I honestly didn't know who was going to win Best Director and Picture until the Eastwood and "MDB" were announced); most was Chris Rock-related (couldn't wait to see who he would fry next!). Overall, a shorter show then usual (just over 3 hours, not bad), with laughs (Rock, Robin Williams, even Jeremy Irons cracked a funny), tears (mostly mine, such as when Sean Penn took himself too seriously for the 842nd time during the Best Actress presentation), and "The Aviator" and "Million Dollar Baby" sharing the majority of the major awards. Enough wrap-up though - let's dish. Awards first, fashion second.

The Awards
But first, let's give it up for Chris Rock. He won my respect about 37 seconds into the ceremony by dissing Cuba Gooding Jr. and never lost it from there. I'm not sure that he will be asked to host again - he really let a couple of expected ("President" Bush) and unexpected (Jude Law) folks have it during his opening speech. I mean, if I was holding my breath wondering who he would lampoon next, how do you think Renee Zellweger felt? Good thing she hasn't actually felt anything (except hungry) since 1998. I'd say he has about a 50/50 shot at being asked back. Personally, I'm all for it.

After some awards that no one cares about, I readied for the first major of the night when Renee wandered on stage to botox her way through the Best Supporting Actor presentation. Morgan Freeman's win in this category really started my night off on a high note. Yeah, I know that he played the same role in "Million Dollar Baby" that he has played in countless other films, but you know what? I really enjoy watching that role. The other performances were good, but not Morgan Freeman good. His attire for the evening left much to be desired, but who really cares what the guys are wearing anyway?

The next fun moment of the night occurred when Beyonce took the stage to sing me a lovely tune from "The Chorus" (France's nominee for Best Foreign Film). She actually sounded great, for the most part. I thought this outfit was just Ok on her, though I didn't like the green eye shadow she borrowed from Desperately Seeking Susan's Midwestern cousin. As for the overall performance, I'm not sure why they needed to have 48 boys on stage lip synching, but whatever. The camera pretty much stayed on Beyonce, so all was good. Somewhere in Santa Barbara, Michael Jackson cried.

The first major went to Cate Blanchett for her mimicry of Katherine Hepburn in "The Aviator." Look - I think she did an Ok job, but what we had here was a case of people giving it to the person who is probably the best actress of the bunch - not necessarily the best performance. I am therefore flummoxed - I'm excited to say "Academy Award Winner Cate Blanchett," yet I really felt like she was probably the 4th or even 5th most deserving of the bunch. Long Live Laura Linney! Although could ya do me a favor and lose that mullet, Laura? Unless you're going all method on me for a dramatic role as a gym teacher, it's gotta go.

Basically, the most noteworthy items that occurred between Blanchett's win and the award for Best Actress were more musical performances and the presentation of Best Song (I'll briefly discuss each), "Sideways" sole award for Best Adapted Screenplay (I won't discuss). Let's start with the "music." The second performance of the evening was given by the Counting Crows, for "Accidentally in Love." Yes, that band is still with us somehow. After viewing an extremely bloated Adam Duritz bounce around the stage like Cuba Gooding Jr., I can safely assume that they only person who was accidentally in love was Courtney Cox Arquette. Courtney - what was you thinkin?

Cue Beyonce for her second performance of the night. Again? She somehow managed to warble her way through some crappy song from "Phantom of the Opera," despite the potentially crippling effect of a ridiculous chandelier around her neck. What WAS that thing? It scared me a little bit. I think she was trying to make Oprah feel poor or something. All I know is that the girl from "Phantom" who announced Beyonce probably would have done it better, no offense to Destiny or her child intended.

Antonio Banderas and Santana greased their collective way through some song from "The Motorcycle Diaries." It was kind of malo if you ask me. No me guste. I was waiting for Rob Thomas or some hip R&B chick to come out and start singing a retread of every other song that Santana has done for the past 4 years. Oye como va.

Mr. Prince One more song - still with me? Great. Beyonce...again. This time, she's singing with some guy who apparently looks nerdy enough to resemble Glastonbury, CT's Matt Stowe. I don't know - some song from "Polar Express" or something...I really couldn't focus anymore. Look - no one wants to hear a great and fun singer like Beyonce sing three ballads in a row. Even the old bat from Titanic wants her to make me lose my breath a little. It was all just a little too serious. I need a soldier, Beyonce, stat! Why wasn't Kelly Clarkson's song from "Princess Diaries 2" nominated? And yes, I'm serious. I have fallen in love with her, so back off.

After Prince gave Kelly's award (and Aimee Mann's award before that - I'm still reeling from Phil Collins over Aimee Mann from 4 years ago) to the song we'll never hear again from "Motorcycle Diaries", we're finally at the next big one. Ooh - and it's my favorite...Best Actress! Sean Penn, who once again finished off his 'do by swirling himself around a cotton candy machine for a couple of minutes, came out to end the Annette vs. Hilary drama. In a repeat from five years ago, Swank takes home Oscar #2 (that's 2 more than Julianne Moore, people. Hrmph). Her speech was pretty boring. She thanked a whole lot of people that I guarantee no one cares about (managers, agents, lawyers, Chad Lowe) before inspiring little girls from Western PA to Oklahoma with her "I'm just a girl from a trailer park" cheese.

"The Sea Inside" wins best foreign film. Haven't seen it yet, but it's a Spanish movie and I'm slightly obsessed with Spain so I love it already. Charlie Kaufman wins Best Original Screenplay (with Michel Gondry and some guy named Peter Bismuth) for "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind," providing the second most happy moment of the evening (for me) thus far. Last major acting award, Best Actor, unsurprisingly goes to Jamie Foxx for his mimicry in "Ray." Honestly? I thought his acting was better in "Collateral." Great performance, just not necessarily acting, per se. And his speech was lamerama. It was very moving when he gave the EXACT SAME speech at the Golden Globes. It just didn't sound quite as genuine the second time around. Kind of like when someone tells you, "It's not you - it's me" and you realize, "hey wait - that means it's totally me!"

Three cheers to you, Ms. Winslet! Last two awards of the evening. After a slew of technical awards for "The Aviator" and two acting awards for "Million Dollar Baby," it was an honest toss up as to whether /\/\/\/\ /\/\/\/\ or Clint Eastwood would win Best Director. Anyone who read my noms e-mail or 3 lines of this e-mail knows that I was pulling for Clint. Well, someone was listening, 'cuz Clint won. One more - Best Picture. Not sure if I was rooting more for "Million Dollar Baby" to win or "The Aviator" to lose, but either way, prayers once again answered. End Scene, onto fashion.

The Fashion
Ok - nothing earth shattering this year, but there were some definite highs and lows, kind of like what one would find in an Elizabeth Taylor's purse. Time for an old fashioned fashion smackdown, Nunzio style.

First off, where were the stars? Here is an alarming list of Hollywood royalty that we didn't see on the red carpet OR at the show last night: Nicole Kidman, Julianne Moore, Tom Cruise, Tom Hanks, Jack Nicholson, Uma Thurman, Cameron Diaz. This is just the names I jotted down off the top of my head. Come on - it's Hollywood's biggest night! Even proud momma's like Gwyneth and Julia Roberts (who was at the show but didn't walk the carpet as far as I could tell) let their nannies take over for an evening so they could step out. Sheesh.

It took me a while to realize the lack of star wattage. I should have realized something was awry when someone allowed Penelope Cruz to walk the carpet. I really didn't think anyone except Papa and Mama Cruz cared about her anymore. Oh well, more on Penelope and her ginormous ass bow later. Despite the lack of stars, the red carpet was a bit of a mess last night - and I'm not talking about the swirling vortex of back fat on Star Jones. It just seemed like there were thousands of nobody's flanking every semi-star who made time for the event. The biggest stars were probably Halle Berry and Oprah, I guess. Strange. Not even camera grubby Sharon Stone or Paris Hilton made the event. Are that many people really on Michael's witness list?

Ok - time for the good, bad, and ugly. Like last year, I included links to pics from yahoo.com.

The Good
Like I said before, very few dresses blew me away this year. No one really went out on a limb and did anything amazing this year. The two biggest trends were dangly swatches of fabric (mostly on bad dresses) and taupe-y/beige-y/tan galore (kind of boring).

I thought Oprah looked great last night, and I'm not just saying that so that she'll read this and invite me to emcee next year's show for her (wink, wink). She has worked damn hard to get in shape, and she chose a dress that showed off her work. Every decent picture I could find of her also features some scary lady in it who kind of looks like my Aunt Barbara, if she became a vampire and trailed Oprah around the red carpet. Either way, good work but not the best.

Also falling into the category of "decent attempt but not quite there" is Imelda Staunton. Hey - she won every critics award before Swank came onto the scene, and she looked pretty good for a British actress that no one has heard of. Actually, I saw her in a REALLY dumb movie with evil Andie McDowell (as if there are any good movies with Andie McDowell not named "Four Weddings and a Funeral"), and based on that alone am amazed how well she can clean up with a little make-up. Staunton loses out on top three mostly because she's not a star, but I also don't like her Wendy Pepper stripe of hair in front. Chunky highlights went out with "Friends."

Also, barely missing top three is China's Ziyi Zhang. I think she was going for a look similar to Gwyneth's horrendous ensemble from the 2002 ceremony, only she made it work. She's going to be huge next year once "Memoirs of a Geisha" comes out later this year. Trust me. Anywho, she succeeded where Gwyneth failed miserably. If that's my favorite kind of success I don't know what is. See for yourself:

Gwyneth in 2002
Ziyi Zhang in 2005

Color Jack snooty, but he likes a little color. Ok, so my award for third best dressed goes to Sandra Oh. I know - I surprise myself sometimes too. Look - I like a little color, so all three of my top dresses had some color to offer. Ms. Oh, who co-starred in "Sideways" and is married to it's director/writer, Alexander Payne, makes up for the sin of being on HBO's "Arli$$" for way too long (more than one guest starring appearance) by wearing something that looked great on her, great on the carpet, and even better in the theater. Unfortunately, she's going to be on a second-rate "ER" on ABC - a (gasp!) mid-season replacement of all things - so I can't name her as best dressed. Color me snooty!

Second up is Cate Blanchett. Ms Blanchett (that will be Dame Blanchett before you know it) is almost always up to glam task. As with so many previous dresses, Ms. Blanchett did not disappoint. Her pale yellow dress, with just a hint of a burgundy bow at the waist, fit like a glove. The hair was a bit over styled for my taste, but all-in-all she looked great.

So who does that leave as the winner? Come on - if you watched the show, the clear winner from last night was definitely Kate Winslet. I really hope she wins an Oscar soon. Who else could do a period British film and an off-beat American love story in the same year with as much success? Maybe Julianne Moore, but I digress. My point is that Kate is not afraid to show off her curvy figure, despite the fact that Hollywood is a stick-thin town. The dress was a beautiful color, the hair was of perfect length, and she looked like she was having fun (despite yet another Oscar loss). Three cheers to you, Ms. Winslet!

The Bad
Boy...this thing gets longer and longer every year! Anywho, the bad consists solely of highly questionable hair styles this time around. I mean, who was doing hair in Hollywood yesterday? It was like a Long Island prom in 2005 (or a prom anywhere else in 1985) for many of the ladies. Of particularly bad note were the bomb shelter on top of Penelope Cruz's head (more on her in the next section), the willowy scrambled egg whites on Scarlett Johansson - , and the aforementioned (about 4500 words ago - sorry!) greasy mullet on Laura Linney. Worst hair definitely goes to (this is a first) a man - Malaga, Spain's own, Antonio Banderas. Yikes. It's as if he confused his hair gel container with Star Jones' dinner plate whilst putting the final touches on his hair.

The Ugly Apparently, Jack loves Mr. Depp too much to notice that he looks ridiculous.
There really is only one dress this year that people are still talking about, but we're going to have to save that for worst dress of the night. Unlike previous years, even this dress is not as horribly memorable as the ghosts of Oscars past. No swan dress or "Uma sells Ricola" number. Kind of sad - bad fashion makes Jack a much funnier man. Anyway, I'll do the best I can. Oh - and I'm not going to waste any more time on Star Jones. So despite the fact that her dress made her back look like a 90-year old's butt every time she raised the microphone, I'm done with her.

Penelope Cruz - is she still really a star? How did she score such prime seating? Quick - name a movie other than "Vanilla Sky" (and you only know that one because Tom Cruise was in it) that she was in. Ok - you've probably thought of a couple. Now name one that wasn't a bomb. Yeah - that's what I thought. Unless you too are thinking "All About My Mother," Penelope Cruz is a waste of space. She didn't change my mind last night. I'll admit it - the dress could have been pretty, if not for the aforementioned disturbingly large bow. The aforementioned hair was Marge Simpson-esque. The make-up was silly looking. I don't know...if she stuck to Spanish movies I might like her more. I just can't understand what she's saying - makes listening to her an entirely unenjoyable experience. Plus, I still think she looks like a lemur.

Third worst dressed was Renee Zellweger. I have often enjoyed making fun of her questionable mental state, but usually she wows the crowd from the neck down. Unfortunately, she lost all of the Bridget Jones weight that made her look like an almost tolerable human being, and is therefore competing with Lara Flynn Boyle for hardest star to even look at. Combine that with a dress that is still somehow too tight (do they have negative sizes? She could barely walk in that thing!) and you've got a recipe for disaster. Despite not liking the cut of the dress (it goes in, it goes out, it goes in, it goes out - it's like one of those ugly curvy mirrors that the Queer Eye guys always throw out), I thought I liked the color. Until, that is, I looked at the pics again this morning. It looks like a Christmas leftover from hell. Basically, this thing looks like a fancy straight jacket married a Christmas tree skirt and they had a dress that is currently in it's awkward phase.

Only two left. After last year's tanorexic facial disaster, Charlize Theron returned looking radiant - from the neck up. From chest down, we're stuck with more fabric than even Stevie Nicks would know what to do with. I feel like you could have stretched it out, ironed it, and clothed the entire state of Southern California. One more fashion no-no and we'll call it a turkey for this Oscar Winner. Plus, she's a model so she really should have known better. I really don't have more to say. Jack should thank Hilary for giving him something truly ugly to write about.

Worst dressed = Hilary Swank. You know what? I'm happy for Hilary Swank, despite her awful dress. She's a pretty decent actress, she looks like a horse, and she's married to a Hollywood nobody best known for his work in "Life Goes On" from 1991-1993. Ooh - I just imdb'd him and found out he was in my favorite made-for-tv movie of all time, "Flight 90: Disaster on the Potomac" - how exciting! Anyway, she keeps finding great roles that show off her less-than-feminine side yet prove her that her teeth need to be woolly mammoth sized to fill her chops. I've cut her some slack over the years, said thing's like "she's getting better!" and "she's still a Hollywood outsider." Well, it's time for Ms. Swank to face the music. What the hell was she wearing last night? It was awful. The back was questionable, but could have bee salvaged by a decent front. Alas, salvation was not meant for that dress. Oh no. The front looked like one of them newfangled head-to-toe suits that the young swimmers wear these days. I hate them as much as I hated this dress. I believe it was my friend Lisa who remarked that she thought perhaps the dress was on backwards. I shutter to think of what we may have seen if she turned it around. No need to see Hilary's Swank now or ever - Ok? It was just awful. Ohmigod - I'm re-reading this and realized that I cannot stop writing "it was just awful." That's how bad the dress was. Why, Hilary, why? It's so bad, we got a front AND back picture for this one. Front - Back

Sadly, that leaves us at the conclusion of this year's e-mail. Lots of great movies coming out this year for everyone to see. Can't wait until next year already - only 364 more days until I'm verbally assaulting someone on the red carpet from the confines of my home! I hope you enjoyed, and here's to another great year in film!

Jack

02.28.05
I thought Reading Week was over and Dream Week had begun, but Mousie, thou art no thy lane, In proving foresight may be vain; The best laid schemes o' Mice an' Men, Gang aft agley, An' lea'e us nought but grief an' pain, For promis'd joy! When that happens, you'll gladly take a reprint from a friend - if they're good enough for Harper's, they're good enough for me. Besides, I have exclusive edits. From the excellent Shauna Ding Dong, Against Love: A Polemic.

against love: a polemic by laura kipnis

ah, laura kipnis. you made this feminist subscribe to hustler (uh, just to deconstruct patriarchal concepts of desire and sexual power, 'natch). and now you come through again. you loveable, cynical smarty, you.

how credible is the basic premise of modern coupledom, indeed. i purposefully avoided this book while i was tryin' to get hitched, but reading it now, i'm reminded why i love her. she can put research and social commentary together with a sarcastic, non-judgemental sense of self-effacing humor in a way that many pop feminist writers just can't. (i'm looking at you, ms. baumgardner.) and for that she gets read, by men and women, which ($$$ aside) is more important than it seems when you are trying to make a feminist statement about sexuality and coupling to a world that's real bored (not to mention self-righteous) about that. but it isn't all doom and gloom. she makes the case that there but for the grace of jeebus go all of us, and even ties it all up with a linguistics lesson: words like "against" and "cleave" have double meanings. might we not be against love and instead against the expectations and guilt we've been trained to feel? might we be able to come to our own damn conclusions about what's moral and right when it comes to love? and cleave to those? brace ourselves against those? if anyone wants to give it try, please report back.

one of my fave excerpts:
"If adultery is ultimately a referendum on the sustainability of monogamy, how credible is the basic premise of modern coupledom: that desire for your one and only love can and will persist through a lifetime of togetherness, despite so much evidence to the contrary? please read on in a tolerant spirit. if adultery is the sit-down strike of the love-takes-work ethic, regard the assortment of goons standing by to crush any dissent before it even happens. These days, we call that 'therapy.' yes, we weary, ambivalent huddled masses of discontent will frequently be found scraping for a happier consciousness in the soundproof precincts of therapy, a newly arisen service industry owing its pricey existence to the cheery ideal that ambivalence is a curable condition, that "growth" means adjustment to prevailing conditions, and that rebellion is neurotic....and you can be fairly certain that it's not those social norms that need a tune up. sorry, hon--it's you."

if the FBC* still existed, we would read this. love and our inherent inability to sustain the image we've constructed of it is a HOOT!

02.27.05

I have so many people to thank. Um, Jack Martins, wow. *applause* I couldn't have done it without your annual Oscar picks. Thank you so much. You're an inspiration. And thanks to Bodog sportsbook, for paying 2/1 on those picks. And thanks mom and dad for believing in me, and thank you grandma for the gambling gene. Thank you all. Here comes the music and I'm out of time. Ciao!

This is Dream Week, I think, and I'm not sure what form it's going to take, but Jill and Eric sent some dreams in, so we'll start with those. Please send your dreams in. We'll do something with them.

02.25.05
Dear dying old people, including the Pope, my great-grandma, and Bob's grandma,

Most of us are sorry, real sorry, that they make you keep living long past happiness, pride, lucidity, and continence. You wouldn't put your dog through that kind of end, but with people it's all legal bullshit, money, and fearful family crawling out the woodwork, usually the Christians, screaming to leave the feeding tube in! which makes no sense whatever, unless they're TOTALLY LYING about believing in heaven (hmhmm, they are). That's why you gotta get a gun and go like Mr. Thompson when it's all over. But, you know, don't do it while you're on the phone with your wife. That's kind of in poor taste.

"[The] Blog People (or their subclass who are interested in computers and the glorification of information) have a fanatical belief in the transforming power of digitization and a consequent horror of, and contempt for, heretics who do not share that belief ... Given the quality of the writing in the blogs I have seen, I doubt that many of the Blog People are in the habit of sustained reading of complex texts. It is entirely possible that their intellectual needs are met by an accumulation of random facts and paragraphs.'"
-- American Library Association president Michael Gorman's bid to become the blogging community's next whipping boy.

02.24.05

chubby, white, gay men are the authority on ladies fashion, and we're ok with that.

The Emerson House living room was fraught with tension last night, as one side (we'll call them The Sharks) bared their collective fangs at poor, indefensible Wendy, while the other side (we'll call them Me) fruitlessly tried to cast her as a pitiable character, of some talent, and much improved hair and makeup since we last saw her. Alas, all my efforts were for naught, and as the pressure built to a boiling point Edward cried, "PROJECT RUNWAY IS TEARING US APART!" He later added, "I get scared when mommy and mommy and mommy fight."

Then we drank more of Adam's homemade Margaritas. How did Project Runway end? Sally, not in attendance, sent this query: "Uh-oh. How were the battle lines drawn? Were people excited to learn, once again, that chubby, white, gay men are the authority on ladies fashion?"

Yes, we were! Though in this fashion plate's opinion Kara Saun was also worthy, Jay's win healed our wounds, made lambs and lions lie down together (as with a woman), and Emerson House soldiered on in television solidarity (The O.C., tonight at 8).

I'm not sure why, but this story just ticks me off. How honking lame can you get? Sad, Lonely? For a Good Time, Call Vivienne*, nytimes, from Bob. And THIS is a nicely written little news bit from the outer (and inner) reaches of The Milky Way, A Star Leaves the Galaxy, nytimes, from Underblog. And while we're at it, direct from Debcentral, A Dying Star. "I cried because the sun was a dying star. And I cried because I would not be around to see its demise. My life was a drop in the ocean of time that is the ten billion some-odd year life span of a star. And all I had to show for my slice of eternity was a mouth full of braces and a bad perm."

Heck's Reading is Fun® Recommendation Week appears to be over. Let's have a round of applause for our contributors, using their real names, so as to disguise them: Rebecca, Sarah Ly., Jill, Brian, Wendy, Lisa, Melissa, Mandy, Jason, Sarah Lo., and Andy. Tune in tomorrow for a brand new appeal to get you to provide content for me.

02.23.05
First order of business is I've finally anchored the entry dates, so you can permalinkem if you want to I guess. Second order of business is I'm not really in the mood for this today - luckily you the people have been sending in some pretty sweet comics, an old HK standby.

I'm not sure yet what these are all about, but, British horror comics, 100-some issues from 1978-'79, narrated by a mysterious woman of the mists, named, Misty. From Astrofiammante, who adds, "Two writers who worked on this comic, John Wagner and Pat Mills, also went on to work on 2000AD, which is The Most Famous British Comic Ever.... which of course contains Alan Moore's (eyes below, folks) seminal Halo Jones strip."

Quothe the site (which has every issue fully scanned), "With a cover date of the 4th February 1978, the mists parted and Misty introduced us to her self-titled weekly horror comic initially aimed at young girls. Presenting a crop of stories very unusual to that of other titles of the era, 'Misty' told the tales of very different girls:

Ack! Empty twin towers! A box of paints! Cool art, creepy stories. Sticking with the comics, Matt keeps sending me these great strips from The Perry Bible Fellowship: a comic strip for you. Thanks, Señor Ding Dong.

02.22.05
Last night I couldn't sleep, even after I finished a so-so bookclubby book, The Time Traveler's Wife, which is all about 'Time enough, and world,' a real feel-bad theme if you're worrying you're wasting your limited years in this life. So I got up and grumpily stumbled over to my bookcase to find something I hadn't yet read and which would be the most opposite to the determinism and gloomy romance of a time-traveler's love story, and lo! found Everything and More: A Compact History of Infinity, by David Foster Wallace. Which brings me more or less to this week's goal - to break out of some old habits and get creative and use time a little differently. In honor of HK denizens SuSuBelle and Ranger Ted, who are shaking things up by moving all the way to Bozeman, MT this weekend, I propose we all do SOMEthing new this week. Mmkay? And report back. Manar was born with a rare condition. Hmhm.

Manar was born with a rare condition. Hmhm.

Ok, onto some fun. Direct your own movie at D.FILM MOVIEMAKER! Here's one I made for Constance, who has recurring dreams that she's being followed by Quentin Tarantino: constance & quentin. And here's Sherman's: Valentine's Day. And here's Underblog's: Mystery Gal. Send us yours. AND you can make your own little comic strip over at Jiffy Toon. Send yours to HK. Thanks.

V for Vendetta by Alan Moore V for Vendetta.

Long before The League of Extraordinary Gentleman, long before From Hell, long even before Watchmen and Swamp Thing, comic book and graphic novel genius Alan Moore created V for Vendetta. This story of a Britain scared into a fascist, Orwellian government by a brush with nuclear war was written in the early 1980s, but remains fresh and relevant today because of its parallels to the world of Blair and Bush.

V is a revolutionary and terrorist, an insane anti-hero who fights the all-powerful state from behind a permanently-smiling mask and shadowy costume reminiscent of Guy Fawkes, the Gunpowder Plotter who tried to blow up Parliament in 1605. But Moore deliberately divides the readers' loyalties by making his hero a dangerously ambiguous figure - just how far is it permissable to fight fire with fire, cruelty with cruelty?

V is humanised by his relationship with Evie Hammond, a 16-year-old munitions worker who he rescues from the clutches of the police when her first clumsy attempt to supplement her income through prostitution go disasterously wrong. Evie's relationship with V mirrors ours in that it is complicated and ambiguous - but, like us, there is no doubt where her loyalties lie.

V for Vendetta's strong script is well complimented by its eerie, evocative artwork and the pale dreamlike colours used to illuminate it. Whether it can survive transition to the big screen - filming starts this autumn with Natalie Portman as Evie - is debateable, so read it now before it's ruined forever.

Until then, remember: "England Prevails."

- Random

02.18.05

Hey, have you ever considered the possibilty that Superman is a Dick? I hadn't either. But Mike Miksch over at National Lampoon has posted a collection of covers that makes for irrefutable evidence. Power corrupts, people, and Superman is a Dick. Example Superman quote: "Jimmy, this gift you got me for FATHER'S DAY makes me sorry I ever adopted you as my son. I'll have to destroy it to teach you a lesson!" Jimmy: "But...SUPERMAN...I mean...DAD...what did I do wrong?"

I know some of you never follow the links I post, but today The Power of Christ Compels You: go look at Superman covers, go to BWA's link of the week, fat dutch kid singing [update: kid's actually from Jersey, Numa takes Web by storm, UB], and also read The Cuddly Menace: My Little Golden Book about Zogg. And now, Sally has provided us with Friday's Heck's Reading is Fun® Recommendation Week Recommendation. Keep 'em coming.

Persepolis, The Story of a Childhood
by Marjane Satrapi

Now that Jay and that British lady discussed Real Books, I feel comfortable sending in my glowing report of yet another book with pictures and talk bubbles. Persepolis by Marjane Satrapi is a graphic novel that fucking rules, man. In this autobiographical coming-of-age story, Satrapi illustrates her life in Tehran between the ages of 6 and 14. It's during this time period the author (who is actually a descendant of the last Emperor of Iran) witnesses the Shah's ouster, the Islamic Revolution, and a war with Iraq that leaves her neighborhood in ruins. It's grim stuff, but her playful illustrations and funny observations keep the book from being a major downer. What I really loved was seeing how our young protagonist gathers information. She reads books, goes to school, plays "secret service" with neighborhood kids, observes revolutionaries, eavesdrops whenever she can -- and most importantly, she has an imagination that just won't quit and a great relationship with leftie parents who respect her intelligence. By the end of the book she's processed all this complex information swirling around her and becomes the confident, witty, talented adult who created this kick ass book. It's also a great reminder that kids are wicked smart and history is always easier to digest in cartoon form.

- Sally

02.17.04
Something's wrong with the Zonkboard. I think Sally's vocabulary has been infected by my new filing technique is unstoppable: "Sheeeit! The only thing this zonkboard generates is the biggest fucking syntax error of all time. what the fuck!?" Wtf, indeed. Also today: someone forgot to put dressing on my salad, if you know what I mean. I had to use a coworker's gross Garlic Parmesean Vinagrette from the staff kitchen. What else does this crazy day have in store for me?

Last night there were NAKED LADIES (butt with pasties, and thongs) dancing and burlesqueing at Chaos. Honestly, I don't remember much, but I was told that some aggro dude who thought he really was at the dollar ballet kept innapropriately throwing and stuffing bills in a wrong time/wrong place kind of way, and glaring ominously when he wasn't getting enough attention. This reporter says, everyone else had a very nice time, and the ladies were well-tipped. Thanks, Kitty Victorian's Burlesque!

And just what the fuck is this? It's fanmail, from one Meredith Bragg! Who writes, "Can i just say that I love book recommendations week? if i read i would send something. love, Meredith"

Thanks, Meredith! And not to worry - you don't need to read to enjoy Heck's Kitchen, where we post plenty of pictures for our illiterate fans. Today's book recommendations are all by the good Mr. Jason Hudson, father, husband, and angry man. Keep sending them in, people.

Freethinkers: A History of American Secularism by Susan Jacoby.

This well researched and academically supported tome of 365 pages in hardback, with an aesthetically tactile jacket cover, should replace American history classes around the country and nimbly disassembles the myth of American Democracy and all that "under God" bullshit. (Don't get me wrong. I'm down with Jesus. His message was of love and compassion and throwing over the tables of the money lenders, er... maybe the White House has nailed down Bush's desk in the oval office). It's just the people who misuse his name and indoctrinate children throughout the country with this unthinking jingoism to further their own gains and secure their insecure, mean little selves, make me want to scream. In the words of my rasta bredren, "Fire burn dem." But only metaphorically, of course, due to my Ghandian leanings. To do it justice, I will quote some of the jacket's reviews:

"In the best of all possible Americas every college freshman would be required to take a course called 'The History of American Secularism.' The text would be Susan Jacoby's Freethinkers, as necessary a book as could be published in the fourth year of the ministry of Geroge W. Bush." - Phillip Roth

"This book is fresh air for the lungs of those who defend the separatio of church and state. Here, clearly written and without apologetics, is the noble record of the long struggle to reain America's precious freedom of conscience, her pride for two centureis, now under threat from the political Right as never before."

Well, anyway, when it gets down to it, it's all about money and resources. We're such a stupid monkey. Some things remain the same. But not to be a total downer, I also highly recommend:

Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind by Suzuki-Roshi

Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind is the classic collection of Zen lectures by Suzuki-Roshi, the enigmatic, rumored closeted alcoholic (he never denied it and it only shows how human we all are) Zen monk who is largely responsible for bringing Zen to the West. Great stuff for personal transformation and smiling at and with the ridiculous. [The editor concurs.]

The Tree of Life by Peter Sis

I'm reading a ton of children's literature as I complete my M.Ed. and recommend any of the works by Peter Sis, such eye candy. My favorites are The Tree of Life (the life of Darwin) and Tibet Through the Red Box(the true story of how his father came to live in pre-occupation and then full occupation Tibet). His illustrations are stunning, his subject well researched and his writing entertaining. While they are children's books, they are just as rightly placed on the adult's bookshelf.

The Mountains of Tibet by Mordicai Gerstein

The Mountains of Tibet is another great children's book that deals with death and reincarnation in a very easy to understand manner. It has been a long time coming that well written and illustrated children's books on Buddhism are now available. This is a future classic.

Booty, Girl Pirates on the High Seas by Sara Lorimer

I would also like to recommend Booty, Girl Pirates on the High Seas by Sara Lorimer and beautifully illustrated (but too sparingly for I lover her artwork) by Susan Synarski. Get yerself this researched collection of easy reading tales of women pirates. This is a single sitting read and very entertaining. And it is always good to have career options, what with the social security scare and all (by the way, Fuck the whining baby boomers who only worried about their retirements and complacently destroyed the environment and built bombs and nuclear plants, etc.). Arrrgh, get ye some escapism me mates!

[Editor's note: Jay now begins to cheat]

The Little Friend by Donna Tartt

This from Publisher's Weekly...

"Widely anticipated over the decade since her debut in The Secret History, Tartt's second novel confirms her talent as a superb storyteller, sophisticated observer of human nature and keen appraiser of ethics and morality. If the theme of The Secret History was intellectual arrogance, here it is dangerous innocence. The death of nine-year-old Robin Cleve Dufresnes, found hanging from a tree in his own backyard in Alexandria, Miss., has never been solved. The crime destroyed his family: it turned his mother into a lethargic recluse; his father left town; and the surviving siblings, Allison and Harriet, are now, 12 years later-it is the early '70s-largely being raised by their black maid and a matriarchy of female relatives headed by their domineering grandmother and her three sisters.

Although every character is sharply etched, 12-year-old Harriet-smart, stubborn, willful-is as vivid as a torchlight. Like many preadolescents, she's fascinated by secrets. She She wrote The Secret History, which my mom gave me because she read the back cover and thought I would like it. And she was right! vows to solve the mystery of her brother's death and unmask the killer, whom she decides, without a shred of evidence, is Danny Ratliff, a member of a degenerate, redneck family of hardened criminals. (The Ratliff brothers are good to their grandmother, however; their solicitude at times lends the novel the antic atmosphere of a Booth cartoon.) Harriet's pursuit of Danny, at first comic, gathers fateful impetus as she and her best friend, Hely, stalk the Ratliffs, and eventually, as the plot attains the suspense level of a thriller, leads her into mortal danger. Harriet learns about betrayal, guilt and loss, and crosses the threshold into an irrevocable knowledge of true evil.

If Tartt wandered into melodrama in The Secret History, this time she's achieved perfect control over her material, melding suspense, character study and social background. Her knowledge of Southern ethos-the importance of family, of heritage, of race and class-is central to the plot, as is her take on Southerners' ability to construct a repertoire, veering toward mythology, of tales of the past. The double standard of justice in a racially segregated community is subtly reinforced, and while Tartt's portrait of the maid, Ida Rhew, evokes a stereotype, Tartt adds the dimension of bitter pride to Ida's character. In her first novel, Tartt unveiled a formidable intelligence. The Little Friend flowers with emotional insight, a gift for comedy and a sure sense of pacing. Wisely, this novel eschews a feel-good resolution. What it does provide is an immensely satisfying reading experience." I second that emotion...

Sorry for the rant, but I love blogging through other people's blogs. "God Bless" HK.

02.16.04
Why, who is that driving around in an '87 BMW, with the top down, listening to Ani on her way to work? Some sort of anachronistic lesbian caricature? Yes! It's me. And I just can't help but feel superior when I'm outside (right, cyclists?) and all the other dorks are inside. However, when you're outside, certain driving habits must be curtailed. Angry honking: three times on the way here today, once, I'm not kidding, at a van of nuns. Also, The Finger: not advised. In the past, The Finger has resulted in 1.) having a popcicle thrown down my shirt, and 2.) a pedestrian spitting on my windshield.

The beautiful day cannot prevent the usual assholery that is our ruling class, however. From Bob: Request to Edit Title of Talk On Gays, Suicide Stirs Ire. Thanks for caring, Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.

TODAY'S READING RECOMMENDATIONS come from Melissa "Lekkner" Dettloff, and my littlest sister, Mandy.

"Well I think these have been my favorites over the past few years...I'll go out and read Middlesex..it looks pretty good. Hey guess what...my photo [at right] was judged at the heart gallery and it got an honorable mention! Jess and I got the same score :O). Ok well, I'll talk to you soon! Love ya Mandy" Yay Mandy!

My New Filing Technique Is Unstoppable by David Rees

Gets my vote for best use of bad clip art. Comics about filing systems, flow charts, databases, re-ordering pencils, and meetings. Sounds boring. But it's not. You can get the book and/or check them out online: www.mnftiu.cc/mnftiu.cc/filing.001.html

I recommend getting the book, because then you can pick it up anytime you are feeling sad or cranky. And the cover is pink with eye-pleasing type. I suck at writing (anything) book reviews, but I assure you, this is Good Stuff.

- melissa

02.15.04
Book recommendation week is going well, in fact, it's spreading. Please keep sending them in. Today's review comes from Great Britain's Astrofiammante, who's here to tell us about Daphne du Maurier, probably best known to us as the woman who wrote Rebecca, which became a Hitchcock film considerably better-received than his adapatation of Jamaica Inn. Tune in tomorrow for suggestions from Jay, Melissa, and my littlest sister Mandy.

Jamaica Inn by Daphne du Maurier

I recommend Jamaica Inn by Daphne du Maurier. In fact, I recommend everything by Daphne du Maurier, as I think she is shockingly underrated and probably one of the most important British writers of the 20th century. But you have to start somewhere. Rebecca is perhaps her best book - but, having almost certainly seen the film, it is likely you will approach it with preconceptions and through the eyes of Alfred Hitchcock, rather than through your own.

Du Maurier as a writer is a descendant of The Brontes - Jamaica Inn is Wuthering Heights to Rebecca's Jane Eyre. It's exciting and multi-faceted; it's a thriller, a mystery, a romance and a literary novel. It's set in Cornwall. It has a strong and independent female lead character. In common with the rest of du Maurier's oeuvre, it has just been reprinted over here in a gorgeous new edition by a feminist publishing house, which is furnishing each novel with a weighty introduction and, hopefully, finally killing off the stigma to Daffers' reputation caused by decades of Catherine Cookson-style covers.

Du Maurier transgresses just about all the rules of literature - refuses to be tied to the constraints of genre - can write in an utterly convincing male or female voice - is one of the few writers of her generation who articulates female experience. When you're done with Jamaica Inn and Rebecca, read Frenchman's Creek, My Cousin Rachel, The Scapegoat and The House on the Strand. Don't be put off if the plots sound incredible on the back of the jacket - they aren't. They are gripping, disturbing, exciting, fulfilling books. You'll end up in love.

- Astrofiammante

02.14.4702 (Year of the rooster. Also, Valentine's Day.)
Mr. Alan Keyes: "if my daughter were a lesbian, I'd look at her and say, 'That is a relationship that is based on selfish hedonism.' I would also tell my daughter that it's a sin and she needs to pray to the Lord God to help her deal with that sin." Maya Keyes: "It was kind of strange that he said it like a hypothetical," she says. "It was really kind of unpleasant." When Sexuality Undercuts A Family's Ties. So, the family values of the Right = throwing your 19-year old out of the house, cutting her off, and not speaking to her. But we already knew that.

Briefly, Neal Pollack live-blogs the Grammys for Salon: Grammy whammy! A Texas police chief has a lot of confidence in the citizenry. "We can't forget that Jim Jones got a bunch of folks to drink Kool-Aid with him down in Guyana. You could shave one side of your head and have a loyal following around here by nightfall." In news of my weekend, the laptop battle was good, Chinese New Year with the Cupcakes was good, seeing Ms. Zulkey was good, Valentines at the Corcoran was good, and you must, must get down to the National Zoo to see that mama cheetah and cubs. Trust me. Every day between noon and 2pm. And now, more Heck's Reading is Fun® nominations from you guys. Keep sending them in. Today's contributors are the great Wendy and Mr. Brian Minter.

Runaways Pride and Joy, Runaways Teenage Wasteland, Runaways The Good Die Young by Brian K. Vaughan

Thank you for giving me the three Runaways books Marvel! I'm not sure that I could have read the comic (with a lower case c) before all of the issues were collected into this dignified format. Runaways is aimed at a young adult market fed on the teat of manga. So, the drawrings are pretty. The plot? Younguns discover that their rich and powerful parents, who for the most part have treated them quite well, are actually supervillians. And they've done their super-villiany for the sake of their children! The dialogue has the pop-culture awareness that's very dear to the hearts of we who miss Buffy and have tried to console ourselves with Gilmore Girls. It's the characters that make the thing though. Specifically, the girl characters. There's Thelma-like Gert, psychically connected to her Velociraptor, who wants to trade her "slave name" for Arsenic. Young Molly gets her period and comes into her mutant-power strength. Karolina, the alien daughter of movie stars (snicker) who turns into a rainbow shaft of light at will and has a crush on her friend Nico. And Nico, the beautiful nerdy witch with a powerful staff inside her soul that she can only pull out by cutting.

- wendy

The Scar by China Mieville

You will probably find China Mieville's books in the science fiction section of your local massive chain bookstore. It's not really science fiction in the sense that it has spaceships and robots, but we insist in ghettoizing all literature that does not conform exactly to the world as we know it, so there you are. It's not really fantasy either, at least, not any sort of fantasy that owes a debt to JRR Tolkien.

Instead, Mieville's work is a mix of science-fiction (nonhuman sentient beings, some of whom can fly and some of whom are cactus-people), fantasy (magic works, although it is treated as an obscure science by its practitioners), steampunk (artificial constructs powered by steam engines, including a giant hive-mind that built itself in a junkyard), adventure (a pirate city of stolen ships lashed together that travels the high seas), socialist thought (the working class of the floating city eventually rebel against the power structure they labor under) and horror (a secret agent of a colonial power is pursued across the world by terrifying amphibious assassins).

Mieville's three novels (Perdido Street Station, The Scar and Iron Council) are all set in the same world; a world neither contiguous to nor mirroring our own, but they are only loosely-connected to one another, so it isn't necessary to start with any particular book (there are a few references to Perdido Street Station in The Scar, but all you need to know is that the "bad dreams" that plagued the city that a character refers to were caused by gigantic nightmare-eating moths summoned by a monstrous, multi-species crime boss in the employ of the mayor). The Scar's is the best of the three, and it is set mostly on a series of pirate-ships, a literary strength that most contemprary novels lack.

The plot of the book, like all Mieville's writing, is byzantine and complicated; it rewards patient, careful readers and defeats capsule reviews. If you are not in the habit of reading science fiction, this is a good book to start with, as most subsequent science fiction will seem tame by comparison.

- by BWA

02.11.05
Last night's The O.C. wasn't quite as gay as a hat, but someone should still alert the Virginia legislature, the FCC, and Margaret Spellings. How gay are we going to get? The slippery slope of gay leads even to this: Mr. Franky Pelvis on "the downfall of neoconservative shill Jeff Gannon," Military Escort Whore Demoted to White House Press Room Whore. Excellent!

It's the second day of Heck's Reading is Fun® extravaganza, and the people are actually submitting. I love when you Submit, so get down and service us. Thank you. Today we have two suggestions, one by Sherman, children's book writer and illustrator extraordinaire, and another by the lovely Ms. S. Lyon, crazy-cat-lady-librarian.

Love That Dog by Sharon Creech

I recommend the book i read last night, Love That Dog: a novel by Sharon Creech. It was a gift from Mr. and Ms. Cupcakes which makes it especially-special but there are five reasons why I think you (and everyone) ought to read it and only one reason why you ought not to.

Five reasons to read it:

1. the before bed reason: you can read it from beginning to end in about 20 minutes.
2. the emotional reason: it's funny and heartwarming and really sad.
3. the educational reason: you learn stuff about poetry.
4. the in-with-the-in-crowd reason: it's a New York Times bestseller.
5. the name dropping reason: I sat next to Sharon Creech at a SCBWI function about a million years ago before i knew who she was. She was nice and serious and intense.

One reason not to:

1. I got tired of how the narrator keeps repeating words three times for emphasis.

- sherman

Charlotte's Web by E.B. White
The rumors of sadness and change

I revisited this book in college and count it among my favorite treasured books of all time. If you liked this story in the second grade, you will like it even better now. Eloquently written prose emerges from a seemingly simple children's story. Wilbur is a sad and lonely pig until he meets Charlotte, a wise spider, who works miracles to save Wilbur from becoming bacon. By spinning messages, like "Some Pig" and "Terrific" into her web, she creates a local celebrity and sets him on a course for the State Fair. It is not so much in the story, as it is in the telling, that makes this book a literary classic. The themes of friendship, life and death, and change of seasons are artfully wrought through E.B. White's evocative passages:

The crickets sang in the grasses. They sang the song of summer's ending, a sad, monotonous song. "summer is over and gone," they sang. "Over and gone, over and gone. Summer is dying, dying."
The crickets felt it was their duty to warn everybody that summertime cannot last forever. Even on the most beautiful days in the whole year - the days when summer is changing into fall - the crickets spread the rumor of sadness and change.

Sometimes, if I need a good cry, I just skip ahead to the end.

love, Sarah Lyon

From : Sally
Sent : Friday, February 11, 2005 11:11 AM
Subject : Happy Valentine's Day!

Hubba hubba,

It's that special time of year when consumer giants guilt us into buying expensive Valentine's Day gifts for the ones we love. This year, why not save your hard earned money for important things (like beer) and spend your Sunday at the Corcoran with me and Adam? We'll be at the museum from 11am to 4pm with supplies galore so you can make super special valentines for your super special sweetie. (Or sweeties. I don't know your life.) We may even have some booze and snacks hiding in our office. (Shhhhh! This is a family program.) It's fun, it's free, and the Corcoran is pretty. Please come visit, we get so lonely.

Blankets by Craig Thompson

has the distinction of being possibly the longest graphic novel ever written. that is, that did not run in serial installments. it's also beautiful and will not make you feel stupid for reading a comic book (not that you should - comix are great for smarties and arties). this autobiographical story of a young, crucially religious midwesterner's first longings and love traipses all over the map of the teenage human heart with pitch-perfect detail. even a really graphic solo sex scene is handled with aching care. the narrative's spiral through the stumbling awakening process of adolescence and first heartbreak is remarkably well-mirrored by the drawings, which have a deceptively off-the-cuff quality; as the story unfolds, it becomes clear that it's the work of an alarmingly skilled artist.

sometimes the jesus stuff can get a little longwinded, but you know from the book jacket that craig stops being a christian eventually so it's cool. who knows if thompson will ever be able to pull off another story so compellingly (i mean really, are there ever more poetically apt struggles to chronicle after adolescence reaches its end?), but who cares. read it in bed, and alone, so you can think back to the first time without distraction.

- Rebecca

From : Shauna C.
Sent : Wednesday, February 9, 2005 12:18 PM
To : JM
Subject : can you post dear abbys? this has to be a fake.

THIS SATURDAY: The Mid-Atlantic Laptop Battle at DC9 at 9PM! Starring Emerson House's own JuneBullet (known at home as Maegan).

02.09.05
Well, hell, there's a lot going on lately. The LSU and Ohio State women's basketball teams are ranked #1 and #2? Tennessee and Connecticut have eight losses between them? There might be, uh, peace in the Middle East? Mayor O'Malley and Governor Ehrlich had an affair? Cathy, Irving, and Andrea have a drunk threeway in the men's room at the reception? KARL ROVE is Deputy Chief of Staff? Oh, boy are we fucked.

The work of a real-live Hollywood reader of movie pitches - revealed! From Ms. S. Lyon (the blonde above): "JM, Here's the site I was telling you about from Harper's...Query Letters I Love. just a sample...S."

I'm seeing Adam Sandler. Two more thing before we get to jeering Virginia: From Rebenga, The Wurst Gallery, and from Kittenpants' Daily Scoop, TEN ROMANTIC HAIKUS, for VDay.

Marla says, "i see the virginia general assembly is at work not only in writing discrimination into the state constitution, but also in working on similarly pressing issues like...exposed underwear?" Bill sets fine for low-riding pants. MW and Bullet, take heed.

Just what the hell is up with Virginia? From Marla's brother: Attached is the speech that our Delegate, Adam Ebbin [Virginia's first openly gay delegate] gave on the floor of the House of Delegates yesterday in opposition to the constitutional amendment, which passed. Virginia was also considering legislation that would specifically ban gays from adopting. The Democrats were raising concerns over how the state would determine someone is gay.

'Most of the debate on the bill came on Saturday, when legislative opponents ridiculed the measure in asking how investigators would verify gay sexual relationships. Del. Robert Brink [from Arlington] asked whether agents would examine petitioners' music collections for show tunes or their fondness for the Village People's 1970's hit song, 'YMCA,' a tune widely considered a gay anthem.'"

Remarks by Virginia State Delegate Adam P. Ebbin
Against the passage of HJ 586
(Constitutional Amendment; Marriage) February 8, 2005

(After addressing misinformation provided by Delegate Robert "Bob" Marshall in regard to the book "After the Ball", hospital visitation rights in Virginia and the Lambda Legal Defense Fund.)

This House has taken a number of actions to exclude gay and lesbian Virginian citizens from mainstream society and that, together with this proposed Constitutional Amendment, will make gays and lesbians strangers to the laws of this Commonwealth.

There are moments in our history as a nation and as a Commonwealth of which we are profoundly ashamed. The trail of tears of Native Americans, slavery, the denial of women's suffrage, lynchings, the internment of Japanese Americans, massive resistance to desegregation and anti-miscegenation laws right here in Virginia. Many of you will say those were different I have no doubt, Mr. Speaker, today is one of those moments of which we will one day be ashamed. We are about to actively write discrimination into our State Constitution.

I can not stand by while this body uses gays and lesbians as scapegoats for what has happened to the institution of marriage.

How many members of this body are divorced? How many have children that are divorced? Grandchildren? Parents? Brothers? Sisters?

What did gays and lesbians have to do with any of those divorces?

How many children are now raised by single parents?

Can we really blame gays and lesbians for the fact that so many households are now headed by a single parent?

How many of those marriages were celebrated or consecrated in a church or synagogue?

How can we blame gays and lesbians for those who have broken vows to their God and their spouse?

I am a supporter of marriage. My late grandparents were married for over 65 years. I am concerned about the state of marriage. Why doesn't this body address the true threats to marriage? Poverty, spousal and child abuse and high divorce rates are threats to marriage.

If same gender couples in Loudoun County have automatic hospital visitation privileges--that does not weaken marriage. If a gay couple in Virginia Beach can easily inherit property--that does not threaten marriage. If two women in Campbell County can include one another on their health insurance policies, rather than overburden the public healthcare system if one falls ill--that does not break up married couples.

The gentle lady from Campbell said that this amendment would protect the institution of marriage as we know it. That institution is broken. Broken by heterosexuals. Why don't we fix it?

What are we defending marriage from? Are we defending it from the high heterosexual divorce rate by seeing that we will NEVER grant civil unions? Are we defending marriage from the criminal offense of adultery? No, we are not. Ostensibly we are here to thoughtfully give our careful consideration to amending the Constitution of this Commonwealth. But that's not what's really going on today. This is all about politics and re-election campaigns. The measure before us addresses none of the threats or challenges that husbands and wives face today.

Mr. Speaker, I am under no illusion. I fully realize that this amendment will pass this House and likely be before us again next year. I also have no doubt that the proponents of this measure are on the wrong side of history.

I have faith that the future offers a more enlightened and just Virginia. Most younger Virginians have no prejudice - no bias - no fear of those who are different. They recognize that there is no threat to the institution of marriage from loving, committed gay and lesbian couples who will one day enjoy equality under the law.

(The following was not used)

"I am not an advocate for frequent changes in laws and constitutions, but laws and institutions must go hand in hand with the progress of the human mind as that becomes more developed, more enlightened, as new discoveries are made, new truths discovered and manners and opinions change. With the change of circumstances, institutions must advance also to keep pace with the times. We might as well require a man to wear still the coat which fitted him when a boy as civilized society to remain ever under the regimen of their barbarous ancestors." -Thomas Jefferson

If this were about protecting traditional marriage - this body would have shown similar outrage when Virginia's divorce rate exceeded 50%.

If this was about protecting traditional marriage - this body would have shown similar outrage when the number of children being raised in this country by a single parent exceeded 50%.

If this were about protecting traditional marriage - Del. McDonnell's proposal two years ago to require 8 hours of premarital counseling would have made it out of committee. He could only find 7 delegates who were willing to require 8 hours of premarital counseling.

From: Marty Smith
Sent : Tuesday, February 8, 2005 8:45 AM
To: "'J M'"
Subject : RE: Our dumb magazine, Lime Tea, has made Heck's Kitchen Link of the Week

Thanks for appreciating our appreciation. And btw, we're always looking for quality submissions; if you or any of your posse are so inclined, feel free to send something. All payment is currently in warm fuzzies, but hey. See upcoming themes at www.limetea.net/submit.html.

02.07.05
At last! I have gotten around to posting your short, short "Pact" stories. Thanks Ranger Ted, Rebenga, S. Banauna, and Sherman for writing somethings.

RT just found this great video: A New Caledonian crow exhibits remarkable tool-using capability. Remember that National Geographic about animals at play, and there were those pictures of crows hopping up to the top of a snowy hill, flopping on their backs, sledding down, and then doing it again? Crows are fuckin' smart, people.

This here's from regular contributor "Terrence," who writes, "This was sent to us by one of our competitors today regarding our most popular poll question EVER: Should there be openly gay characters in cartoons aimed at children? You can't put this on your website (or if you do, change names of individuals and institutions, block the poll and the answer from popping up on google, etc). It cracks me up."

Utterly asinine indeed, Ms. Wanda. And to complete today's update, here is a picture of Ed at work.

02.06.05

Emerson House L-Word 15-Hour Marathon: Completed. From Bob, She Likes to Watch, nytimes. "Showtime's decision in January 2004 to air 'The L Word,' which follows the lives of a group of fashionable Los Angeles lesbians, was akin to ending a drought with a monsoon."

The National Zoo has cheetah cubs. I drove by there this afternoon, but the parking lots were full. I don't want to get too down on the zoo, but their cheetah enclosure is terrible - or it was last time I was there. Much, much too small. The only worse cells at the zoo are where the small cats - ocelots, servals, etc. - live, which are shamefully inadequate. Anyway, it's depressing, but they're pretty damn cute, huh?

Something funny from Danar: "this is about my friend Cassy's mother:
Ohio woman suspended for tax form humor.
I thought it would be blog-worthy for you. Cassy says there's some national write-in campaign in reaction to this and it was mentioned on Rush Limbaugh's show - making her mother some sort of folk hero overnight. Cassy's mother is a hard-core, old school Democrat by the way... so this was really just humor, not politics." Thanks, D. Dana also claims she's about to launch The Reciplex v.2. We hungrily await.

02.04.05
Well isn't this special? Thanks, Lime Tea, for recognizing a high-quantity blog when you see one.

Seriously for real I'll update later - I have to work, AND I'm a little slowed-down due to a late night wrestling/thumb spraining incident. Meantime, this is a story that keeps getting weirder: Rhythm Co-Owner Rushed to Hospital After Hurting Self. As Dunlap noted, "pretty crazy, but it does seem as if she was trying to warn us..." See exhibit A: Sally Anthony.

02.03.05
No time for a proper update today. We're listening to 89.3 The Current (thanks to Sherman), which in the last hour has played: Death Cab for Cutie - The Sound of Settling - Arcade Fire - Neighborhood 3 Power Out - Fiery Furnaces - Here Comes The Summer - Poole - Superamerica - Atmosphere - Always Coming Back Home To You - TV On The Radio - Staring at the Sun - Juana Molina - El cristal - Sarah McLachlan - Fear - Mel Torme - Too Close For Comfort - Dramarama - Wonderamaland - The Suburbs - Cig In Backwards - Damien Rice - Volcano - The Verve - Lucky Man - Iron and Wine - Jezebe - Matt Pond PA - KC - David Bowie - Ziggy Stardust - The Roots - Guns are Drawn - The Polyphonic Spree.

02.02.05
Happy Groundhog Day. I wonder what we were doing last year? Oh, right. This. But it's not just Groundhog Day, according to some cute chick who works upstairs and sends company-wide emails all through BLACK HISTORY MONTH. To kick off Black History Month '05, I've plucked this off my Yahoo Romance Comics group discussion board, topic: black is beautiful. Without further ado, here is one Robin Fisher's recap of YOUNG ROMANCE #194 (1973). I hope s/he doesn't mind.

The cover has a young black woman sitting on the floor with a young redheaded man in her arms. The woman is a nurse and the young man appears to be dead. She is surrounded by a middle aged man in a suit, another young black female nurse, a young black doctor, an old white doctor, a young white blonde nurse and another old white doctor. The word balloon says, "He's gone....we're finished...now are you satisfied?" The caption is, "The world played this nurse a dirty trick....it gave her, 'Full hands – empty heart!'" The next caption box says, "Readers...You'll find out the price of love in, 'How much for romance?'" and "She had to learn, 'How to lose at love!'"

The first story is the one on the cover. 'Full Hands, Empty Heart." (This actually has credits!) Written by Robert Kanigher. Drawn by John Rosenberger and inked by Vince Colletta. In a series of three panels we see the average work day for Nurse Phyllis Carter. She helps deliver babies, cares for old ladies and interrupts kissing wheelchair bound teens. All Nurse Carter can think about is, "No one ever kissed me like that....I wonder if anyone will...? I wonder if I'll ever meet anyone who would turn me on like...like...I was the sun waiting for night to end?" She lives, works and dreams alone. "Why is it...always the middle of the night...when I wake up...a lifetime before dawn?" Anyways...."Saturday was always the busiest night of the week at the hospital." Nurse Carter is sent to help the new resident. When she arrives she finds the Doctor applying mouth to mouth to a young O.D'ing black man. Eventually Nurse Carter takes over from the fatigued Doctor. In a few dramatic angles the Doctor commands his patient to "BREATHE!" Nurse Carter succeeds and is thanked with a giant swinging hug. "I thought I lost him...my first patient here! But you brought him back! You've got the touch Nurse!" The Doctor and Nurse Carter share a poignant stare.

The resident Doctor of course is the young redheaded man on the cover. Nurse Carter says, "Love brought him back, Doctor! The medicine you can't find in any medical book. The love in your fight not to lose him!" The doctor then directs her to take the recuperating O.D'er to the ICU but to be sure to, "Come back as soon as you can...it's going to be a long night...we don't want to break up a good team!" Nurse Carter promises to be right back. They spend the whole night working together and wiping each others sweat. (I'm not kidding!) "As the night waned......(the Doctor says) 'If I wasn't falling off my feet....I'd thank you for reminding me.....what medicine is really....all about..." After the Doctor falls asleep Phyllis kisses him. "Days and nights of emergency", lead to, "What would you like to do on our day off, Phyllis?" as they wander hand in hand through the city zoo. They spend the day together and end up in the park with our redheaded Doctor resting his head in Phyllis's lap. ".....I never dreamed....I would ever meet...anyone like you..." (And FINALLY we learn his name.) "I never dreamed ...I would ever meet....anyone like you...Allan." To which Allan replies, "....I want you to meet my friends. I'm so proud of you...I want to show you off..." (??!!)

This name doesn't do this fish justice. One researcher onboard suggested a name like the Starburst Anglerfish would be more appropriate. This is the female of this strange anglerfish. She has very long fin rays, and hairy tubes all over her head. These tubes are known as 'neuromasts' and are extensions of the sensory structures found in the lateral line system of most fishes. They must help her detect her prey, soon captured in her large toothy mouth. Less than 20 specimens have ever been collected of this species, only six in the entire Pacific and Indian oceans (in an area two thirds of the earth's circumference!). To show how rare many of these deep-sea fishes are, this species is considered the 'common' member of the family! Others are only known from a single specimen. Like other anglerfishes, males are very different. They are small and have simple fins. In this species, the male latches on to the female and doesn't let go. Their skin fuses and he stays as a permanent pimple with eyes, drinking blood and making sperm.

So the night arrives and Phyllis and Allan go to a party at Allan's friend Ellen's house. Ellen has a stuttering response when she meets Phyllis and runs off. Allan chases after the hostess to find out what's up and Ellen freaks out. "Your private life's your own affair, Allan! But you must be crazy bringing her here! Your career's just starting! Do you want to commit professional suicide?" Phyllis hears and takes off. Allan follows and comes to the realization that his friends are "...blind fools!" They decide to go to one of Phyllis's parties. At which one of Phyllis's friends takes her aside and says, "What's the matter Phyllis...aren't your brothers good enough for you? Stop playing Cinderella with that young Doctor Kildare! Wake up! It's midnight! He's only playing around with you!"

Phyllis realizes what hypocrites her friends are and they leave that party too. Suddenly, one night, while working together, Phyllis goes and checks in on the drug supply room. She finds Johnny, a white junkie, in there with a knife trying to get at some drugs. Allan arrives just as Johnny takes a swipe at Phyllis with his knife. Allan ends up getting stabbed. Phyllis catches Allan as he falls and his dying word to her are, "Don't.....go.... sour... on...the... world... because... I....have ....to.....leave...you....give....them.... another.....chance....Phyl...." As Phyllis sobs over Allan's corpse, she spits out to the surrounding crowd, "He's gone....we're finished.....are you satisfied now? If we don't learn to love each other.... the world will always be a jungle!.........In some worlds there's no colour....only people."

Yay! Speaking of ebony and ivory, Marla sent us: Names of Animals, Babies and Groups of Animals. She adds, "did you know a baby platypus is called a PUGGLE?! stupendous." Indeed. And while we're on animals, this is a great site sent by Ranger Ted: NORFANZ Voyage Creature Features, very weird deep sea animals and explanations.

This Space for Rent Archive XVI: Late Winter - Early Spring, 2005.

Where Have All the Big Stars Gone?

Remarks by Virginia State Delegate Adam P. Ebbin Against the passage of HJ 586 (Constitutional Amendment; Marriage) February 8, 2005

Remarks by Virginia State Delegate Adam P. Ebbin
Against the passage of HJ 586
(Constitutional Amendment; Marriage) February 8, 2005