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| 07.16.04 Thank you, Bill. And thank you, RT and the Morning News for this silliness, and Jill and Mr. Airplane Man for this song. And Zulkey for interviewing Bookslut Jessa Crispin. Oh, and how could I forget? Underblog threw out his old printer. P.S. Day 17 commences at midnight. For all our sakes, may something interesting happen to you or in your vicinity in the 24 hours following. 07.15.04
Senate Scuttles Amendment Banning Same-Sex Marriage, wapost. MoveOn.org's ads on the issue, in Real, Quicktime, and MPEG. Meanwhile, in nutty wonderful Arcata, CA: "A resolution declaring a complete lack of confidence in the validity and legitimacy of the American electoral system came before the City Council for review. The DNC has been stalking the corners around my building for a few months. I just heard one of their young women ask an approaching man, "Would you like to help get George Bush out of the White House?" to which he replied "SURE! WHY NOT? SIGN ME UP!" and she was all, really? and he was all, hell yeah, and I was all, I already give to you guys, which is the only time I'm telling the truth when I say that. Work Ethic Calculator (excel) , from Bob. More later. OH! CONGRATULATIONS TO THE DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA, on the impending addition of Constance "Cupcakes" Chang to our ranks. And mazel tov to her, for being admitted to American University Washington College of Law. Take that New York City! 07.14.04 A bunch of us went to see Anchorman last night. I ate a cone of curly fries. Overall, it was a satisfactory experience. Detroit friend Lekkner will make you a custom city/state t-shirt for $28. She's a cool lady who makes cool stuff, including her website, which also has madlibs. My dad wrote and shot this story on Ohio's raptor reintroduction program: Restoring the big birds. He also sent that skateboarder photo. I love my dad. He only tells me to smile when he's taking a picture, and usually not even then. Sally says, "This is something one of my super cute interns has organized. Save the date!" What: Urban Art Attack '04 - From the Ghetto to the Gallery.
We have DJ's coming from DC and artists from all over the East Coast
coming together to make this happen. And don't worry, they're not the
kind of artists who do hotel seascape paintings. There shouldn't be a
boring landscape or beach scene in the place. Artwork will be exhibited
while the music is playing and some of our featured artists work on a
collaborative piece to be raffled off at the end of the night! A portion
of the proceeds will be given to a local youth in need of a kidney transplant.
For those of you who can be lured with t-shirts...yes, I think there Call Nori (703.862.2775) or the Gallery (540.371.9040) if you have any questions! Nori Allison | J. Coleman www.slavetothepaint.com. PS: go to http://noriallison.com/art/fredericksburg.lsp for DIRECTIONS and Nori's notes on Fredericksburg Ranger Ted found this: Dig site unearths ancient Klallam villa, up in Port Angeles on the Olympic Peninsula. "Among the artifacts to surface from the grounds of Tse-whit-zen -- a likely former winter village of the Klallam peoples of the upper Olympic Peninsula that carbon dating so far shows could be as old as 1,719 years -- are remnants of a longhouse and at least two other tribal houses crafted from cedar."
07.13.04
Porch report: The grouchy one-legged dad across the street was pacing
up and down the sidewalk smoking last night, with his jeans hiked up above
his prosthetic knee, for some reason. The guy feels sorry for himself,
obviously, and he likes to stand in his open doorway, screaming at his
family, so we all get to hear him. And he started painting his house,
but the color is so stupid - it's the same color as our porch's spray-painted
pelicans, if you've seen those, so I guess he just stopped painting halfway,
and now his house is part shitty brown, part stupid blue, and mostly horrible
baby poo yellow. Like this, but flatter and chippier and uglier >>.
Also, it looks like an IHOP.
Our house, of course, looks like a halfway home for urban hillbillies. At least the sanctity of one-legged dad's marriage is being bravely defended in the hallowed halls of Congress. As currently drafted, the amendment consists of two sentences: "Marriage in the United States shall consist only of the union of a man and a woman. Neither this Constitution, nor the constitution of any state, shall be construed to require that marriage or the legal incidents thereof be conferred upon any union other than the union of a man and a woman." Wapost. The vote is tomorrow. It's neat to have a right taken away from you that you never even had. It's like being a criminal, except you're a law-abiding, tax paying, U.S. citizen! It's like, being part of a lesser class of people, separated by perversion. It sure is neat. I don't get at all bitter about all my friends' weddings. I sure don't. Here, make some anagrams. I have to go lunch. Love. JM. 07.12.04 07.09.04 Say, do you feel like dancing the night away? Discotheque | tonight | with Will Eastman (Puja's boyfriend!) - Dance like it's 1977, or 2004. Be your own dancing queen, disco attire requested, disco moves mandatory. Black Cat Club, 14th Street @ S, $5 9pm all ages. Then there are those blogs that actually produce quality stuff, and are rewarded with readers. They are your favorite bloggers. And what's better than your favorite blogger? Two of your favorite bloggers! Today, Claire Zulkey interviews Ana Marie Cox, also known as Wonkette. Sallypants from yesterday's Reliable Source (not generally a friend of Wonkette's):
MTV Takes Wonkette Beyond the Beltway * That foul-mouthed red-haired vixen known as the Wonkette ( Ana Marie Cox of Arlington) has leveraged her popular political gossip site, Wonkette.com, into a gig with MTV News. The network will announce today that it has hired Cox, 31, to cover all the incredible tension and excitement that is the Democratic National Convention. It says her "unabashed style and irreverence" will galvanize young voters. "Her coverage of the DNC will help us reach our goal of 20 million 18-to-30-year-old voters in November," Ocean McAdams, vice president of MTV News, said in a statement. Cox will join correspondents Gideon Yago and SwayCalloway on the beat. But one question lingers: Is Ana Marie's name avant-garde enough to connect with MTV acolytes? "No. I'm not even, like, Tabitha or Serena," she told us yesterday. "I am totally old for them. I can't be Sway but maybe I could be Lean, or Listing, or an archangel to compete with Gideon. Or I could use my porn star name, my childhood pet and street names: Muffin Witchwood." Over to you, Muffin. Something weird: Illustrated Smiths lyrics, via Sharpeworld. Last night a friend, who will remain totally unidentifiable, was chasing her cat Ian down the back stairs, and I believe she was quite impaired, and she called me a few times, and she angrily called her absent roommate, whose name is a palindrome, as she lay bleeding in the yard, and, this is the funny part, I discovered this morning she sent me pictures of her wounds, using the camera in her phone, at 1 in the morning. Ouch! 07.08.04 Too bad he has to come home to this. Maybe Bob will give HK an exclusive VOA insider scoop. My friend Julie Comnick, who's moving to Prescott, AZ to teach painting at Prescott College, is visiting with woodworking boyfriend Chris Jones, tonight through Saturday. So, you'll want to meet them. Make your reservations today. The Chairman must now eat before attending to further blogging duties. 07.07.04 Well, that was depressing. DebCentral's
got exhibitionist amputees, BWA
has a photo of semi-transient Edward, and Zulkey
has an ODE TO THE URBANEST OF KEITHS, by Wakiza
Gamez. Tune in later for my review of Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance! Wait, no, I'll just use last week's Amazon.com game, and give you the reader reviews ranked from worst to best. They are funny. I read this book when I was 19 and thought it was pretty sweet, probably because I was nineteen and prone to stoned philosophic ramblings that I'm sure I thought were brilliant. Today, the book is good about once every 8 pages when Pirsig ceases the bullshit for one minute to describe the countryside they're riding through. Otherwise....what a dick... "What a great title. And even an intriguing concept...explaining zen via the motorcycle. Unfortunately, the book turns out to be a long winded narcissistic lecture by a person you wouldn't want to be stuck in a car with, never mind a motorcycle. Don't waste your time. Take a walk instead." - brianamcb from Arlington, MA 07.06.04 Happy Birthday America, from Mr. Bears Will Attack. An illustrated tale of squirrel murder, from no home-like place. And did I forget to mention motorcycles? Disappointment is Best Served Cold, by expert pusher of old bikes, UB. From Andy D. across the sea:
07.02.04 Stuffings: Amazon.com Knee-Jerk Contrarian Game! From Waxy.org, via Ranger Red. A Serious Threat to Democracy: Al Gore reminds America that we should be as fearful of a government that exploits our fear of terrorism to expand its powers as we should of terrorism itself. Alternet, from Jess. Fox After Dark: Who will protect the children from porn? Nice Fox fuckup, wonkette. "Why Don't Ohio Senators DeWine and Voinovich Believe Every Child Needs a Mother and a Father? Homosexual marriage intentionally creates fatherless families or motherless families. Think about it." Wait, slow down. I'm thinking....I'm thinking single-parent households, by which we pretty much mean fatherless households, will always be overwhelmingly created by straight men departing. Why don't they outlaw divorce and bastards? Then we'd be getting somewhere. CONTEST WINNERS! Photoshopped Robbers, by Jill, Eric & Me.
07.01.04 1. Metro is pissing people off again, halving the size of every train after 10pm. "...angry crowds have found themselves competing for space on the trains at an hour when most had been accustomed to relaxing their urban combat skills. Those unable to push themselves aboard have to wait 15 to 20 minutes for the next train, as a new crowd forms around them." This right after a fare increase, and a new report that Metro could have been running 8-car trains during rush hours, rather than the current max of 6, all along. An 8-car train is 600 feet long, the exact length of Metro platforms, and were built that way for that purpose. If you are an everyday Metro commuter, you understand the significance and absurdity of this "discovery." 2. Distracted Driving Safety Act Begins July 1. Because I hate freedom, I have no ambivalence about the "no cellphone while driving" law. I hope they pull over and ticket every damn person, me included if necessary. Bonus: no more sitting shotgun in someone's car while they prattle on the phone. I hate that.
CONTEST: This is a fun picture to play with in Photoshop. Please send your Photoshopped Robber to jennifer_miller at sra.com. 4. Fort Reno: Fort Reno summer concerts continue, tonight with Ted Leo and Ian McKaye & Amy Farina as The Evens. The other night several of my heartier friends went to the midnight showing of Spiderman 2. I asked intrepid reporter Shauna Miller to give me a three sentence review in under five minutes. She wrote: "spidey was almost a perfect movie, but it is 10 minutes too long. sam raimi is a GENIUS and there is an awesome evil dead reference and a cool nod to king kong, too. kirsten dunst has a wet t-shirt scene again, and also walks around with her eyes half closed like she just got some and now she's bored. dave had to explain to me what a hobgoblin was, but the crowd seemed way excited about that, as well. there is a lot of makers mark product placement in this film, the moral of which seems to be that alkies eventually become crazy villians in hobgoblin suits. oops, that was like 5 sentences. 6." Claire Zulkey wrote this for the Tribune. Registration may be required:
Happy 71st, Grandma. 06.30.04 Bitty Report: I decided to start Bitty up and see if I could get him going without anyone around to make me nervous. (Note: although I extend Bitty some of the characteristics of a sentient being, Bitty's gender is like that of a dog - girl or boy, it's a dog. Or like a baby. It's a baby. People disagree with me on this one. But I digress.) The first thing that happened, upon climbing on Bitty and giving her a kick, was I lost my balance, and Bitty sort of fell over on me, which would have been very embarrassing, except no one was around. Anyway, to make a boring story end sooner, I got the guts together to put her in gear, ease off the clutch, throttle....and, off I went down our very scary alley! Over garbage and gravel and bricks and glass, Bitty and I bounded down the hundred-year old brick cut, and out onto Emerson St. proper. We went around the block twice. In first gear. Yeehaw!
BWA was down yesterday, but he sent me this query and link: "will you do this if i do it?" Project Blog. I said sure, it sounds insane. Blogging every 30 minutes for 24 hours. Please send your nominations for a worthy charity. Monday, while looking for an illustration for Dunlap's preview, I came across an interesting series of drug sites, run by what appears to be one man. You could spend a lot of time, starting at www.cocaine.org. Bob writes: "the bush campaign took down the ad
comparing the kerry campaign to nazis. their reasoning is now posted
on home page at reelectbush.com.
it's just as unsettling as the ad itself." Liz Penn is busy writing fun and edifying reviews for us to read, and
Jill is busy reminding us of them. On Farenheit
911; on The
Stepford Wives and other stuff, and for Slate, on the great Ms.
Cho: There's nothing understated
about Revolution, Margaret Cho's latest. 06.28.04 Bob writes from work Friday night: "john stewart is on larry king. he just said 'conservatives for nader as a group probably has about the same numbers as retarded death row inmates for bush.'" TONIGHT: 28 MONDAY - Dave Dunlap, Jr. reporting: Rock 'n' roll has never lacked for cocaine inspiration: Sabbath's Volume 4, the Eagles' Hotel California, the Mac's gold-dusted Tusk. There sure are some lameass renditions of songs about the white stuff, though. I for one would rather crawl out a 53rd-story window than have to poison my earhole with Slowhand's mangling of J.J. Cale's blue-flake ode. But Bobby Bare Jr.'s new "The Terrible Sunrise" might be the best of the genre: "The sunrise ain't pretty when you ain't been to bed/And tomorrow is today instead..../The devil has crawled inside your nose." It's a worthy successor to Johnny Cash's version of "Cocaine Blues." Bare's From the End of Your Leash is full of great songs about drinking and heartbreak as well, and we can blame his upbringing for that. His daddy was no slouch as a songwriter, and Junior was raised in Nashville among such Outlaw Country royalty as Waylon Jennings—and we all know he was no stranger to the lure of the line. Bare plays with Tom Heinl at 8:30 p.m. at the Iota Club & Cafe, 2832 Wilson Blvd., Arlington. $10. (703) 522-8340. (David Dunlap Jr.) What's secret and powerful and lesbian and stylish? Why, it's The Secret Power of Lesbian Style, nytimes. "Far from being frumps, lesbians are a powerful presence in fashion, in both predictable and unexpected ways." From various sources. We've come a long way, frumpies. Silver Grey arrives at Underblog's. The Modern Language Association Language Map, A Map of Languages in the United States, RT. Adam writes - b side in collaboration with art & soul presents: jess feury, ryan hackett, nate lankford, karie reinertson, rebecca rogers, and pete smith. paintings/installation/photography, with music by manhunter at: flyer design by nate lankford & adam robinson
06.25.04 911 - kitty emergency, from Kim K. Howdy! Dave W. says, "just a giant colon for our friends lucky enough to live in beautiful Seattle. Let the summer fun begin! GOP agitprop ad at Bush-Cheney '04, from Deb D. Plan to reunite Luna with whale pod is put on hold, Ranger Ted. I have a ton of work to do now. Orca and albino deer, care of Ranger Ted.
06.24.04 SpaceShipOne just managed to make it up to (suborbital) Space and back, making its pilot the first privately-funded spacecraft operator to meet aliens. He said it was neat. They did it all with Paul Allen's $20 million, an amount SpaceShip's designer snorted "NASA would spend on a paper study." Snort snort snort. 'Fahrenheit 9/11' Is a Red-Hot Ticket, opening nationwide on 900 screens tomorrow. "The documentary includes endless shots of Bush golfing, taking vacations and shaking hands with Saudi oil tycoons at fancy hotels." You know, I'm kind of sick of everyone dissing Michael Moore. I know how he comes off. But his lil movie could very well swing this election. And if you don't believe that, we at least now have a significant artifact documenting the sins of this administration, and for that I'm grateful. The woefully hapless Wizards just made a trade for nice guy and NBA 6th Man of the Year Antawn Jamison, which can only mean Jamison will soon inexplicably suck and/or be arrested. Sorry, Antawn.
06.22.04 Speaking of Meredith Bragg, and Brian Minter, self-identified piano virtuoso, Sarah Lyon writes: i know there was some confusion the other night about meredith's upcoming show Q1) meredith is playing a show? answers: A1) yes, meredith is playing a show. Thursday, June 24th Thanks for clearing that up, Sarah. So, Thursday night will be busy, with Sally Mann at the Corcoran, Meredith Bragg at DC9, breakdancing at Chief Ikes, the arrival of Bitty, and the visiting of sister Jesse. Followed by a very full weekend, including the birthday of Sallypants! Family Day, and the Great Emerson House Party, VI. Oy. Yesterday I asked people to send in sad songs for the Monday Mix Tape™ v.1. And some people did. For more sad songs, see everything I've got over in Record & Tape Outlet.
Frog in the sink, yesterday at the Accokeek Ranchero. From SuSuBelle.
06.21.04 Don't Die in Me, Mirah.
On the other hand, if you want to see a funny movie full of motorcycle chases, rent Torque. It's on IMDB's list of Top 100 Worst Movies ever, proving beyond a shred of doubt that many people wouldn't recognize humor if it hit them with Ice Cube atop a crotch rocket at 180 mph. Also, this is an official party announcement from Les: 06.18.04 Sally Mann: What Remains, at the Corcoran through September 6. Catalog speak: "Never one to shy away from challenging subject matter, Mann asks us in What Remains to contemplate the beauty and efficiency with which nature assimilates the body once life is over." The lovely rotting dead, by the amazing Ms. Mann. Bob reports: "Space news - Wild 2 comet unlike any other. oh my god! rodents genetically altered into unnaturally monogamous state!" Speaking of -ygamy, this is funny: POLYGAMY PROBLEMS, by CZ. Speaking of CZ, she's got The Poppy Z. Brite Interview today. Poppy has a new book called Liquor, which Wendy (whose birthday is tomorrow, Juneteenth) is currently reading. Be sure to send your regards. Let's have another song. Lift Yr Skinny Fists Like Antennas To Heaven, by Godspeed You! Black Emperor. And why not another. The Buildings They Are Sleeping Now. And now, a special surprise from our own Oscar prognosticator and commentator, Mr. Jack Martins! Jer F*cking Me - Right?Jack N. Martins Every now and again, I am so disturbed by the current state of celebrity
affairs that I feel it's my calling to send an item to Heck's Kitchen.
After a long discussion last night, I knew that a quick diatribe regarding
the recent rash of ricockulously named celebrity offspring was a necessity.
Let's just say I'm not exactly cuckoo for Coco Cox (Arquette). K? You may be thinking, "But Jack - celebrities have been bearing children with idiotic names since the dawn of time!" (which, incidentally is 1948, when the television was first patented). But I retort….as humans, are we not designed to learn from our past mistakes and move on? Instead, it's all a little bit of history repeating…. You see, a long time ago, in an acid-induced galaxy far, far, away, a normally named man, Frank Zappa, began fathering children. I guess to draw attention to a flagging career, he named them Dweezil, Ahmet (the most conventional of the names), Diva (as if she were nearly as important to the gay world as four-time Academy Award Nominee Ms. Julianne Moore), and good ol' Moon-Unit. Collectively, these uber-successful offspring have hosted the first TRL on MTV in the 80's (1-800-DIAL-MTV - I called 20 times one day to get "Home Sweet Home" by Motley Crue on…..I still believe I am sole the reason it shot to number one - I'm on my way, just set me free, home sweet home), a game show on the Game Show Network that even I couldn't watch more than once (a first for me since, well, ever - I'll watch any game show), and a traveling cooking show with Lisa "you say, I only hear what I want to" Loeb on the Food Network. Wow…they're like the first family of cable. Bow before them and shower them with Ace Awards. Fast forward to the early 90's, when an incredibly successful Demi Moore and an even more successful Bruce Willis are Hollywood's power couple, and they start having children. Now, if I were them, I would think to myself - "what goes well with Willis….hmmm…" What I would NOT have come up with are names like Rumer (future crackhead), Scout Larue (six-time divorcee), and Tallulah Belle (stripper - hellooooo). These names broke up a good marriage, killed two careers, made Planet Hollywood file for Bankruptcy, and kept Ashton Kutcher in the weekly rags. Oy.
I'm not pulling jer leg. Jer not dyslexic. Rub jer eyes and read it again. He named the children Jermajesty. And then, mere months ago, we celebrate the birth of little Apple Blythe Alison Martin. Come on Gwynnie - I though you were hip enough to know that Apples are SO 70's….it's all about Ugli fruit and Pomegranates these days. Ugli Pomegranate Martin would have been kickASS! Well, should little Apple be a straight girl (Apple has lesbian written ALL over it), I can only hope she meets the spawn of Jason Lee and settles down. I can see it now - "Pilot Inspektor Lee and Apple Blythe Alison Martin give bath to first child - Lala Cowbell Martian. Lee" or something of the sort. Or maybe she will be best buds with Coco Cox Arquette. Oh, the scary, scary possibilities. So I ask you, Hollywood (and you know you're reading)….when will the madness end??? What will it take for you to realize that you are threatening the very fibers of American morality, already coming undone by the looming darkness of gay marriage? I guess this is what happens when you let straight people have children…. 06.17.04 Mr. John Vanderslice, $12 mainstage at 8:30. Please see Heck's Record
& Tape Outlet for several Vanderslice songs. The Tragedy of Karl Malone, by Claire at Barrelhouse Magazine. See also Zulkey's new diets at plain old Zulkey. Don't forget today is Day 17. And here's a picture my dad took. State high school track championships, Ohio.
06.16.04
Speaking of murder in the big city, the Detroit Pistons just KILLED those silly purple and gold Lakers, and I really wish I'd put some money on them because they were at least 6-1 underdogs. But I did pick them to come out of the East, so take THAT, random drunk guy on the barstool next to me at the Lucky Bar that one time. Ha! Ok, my entire update below this point was just wiped out when ye olde Photoshoppe caused ye olde Dreamweavere to crash. Perhaps it's a sign to start working, or to go to lunch. Here's a flyer for a show I can't attend, but looks like some fun anyway: the Carlsonics at Fort Reno, Saturday at 7:15. Sarah Lyon will give you a ride. Grilled Scallops with Grilled Pineapple Salsa Recipecourtesy Wolfgang Puck, from foodnetwork.com 15 large sea scallops Soak wooden skewers in water for 30 minutes. Season scallops with salt. Oil a hot grill and place the skewers over high heat for about 2 minutes on each side. At this point, you may brush on teriyaki or your favorite barbecue sauce. Serve immediately over pineapple salsa. Pineapple Salsa: Oil your grill. Place pineapple slices onto hot grill for 4 minutes on each side. Gently toss the onion slices and jalapenos in olive oil. Place onto the hot grill for 3 to 4 minutes on each side. Remove from grill. Peel skin off of jalapenos. Cube the pineapple, removing the inner core. Cube the onion and mince the jalapenos. Combine all of them with the chopped herbs in a large bowl. Add lime juice and drizzle with olive oil. Season with salt and freshly ground black pepper, to taste.
06.15.04
Here's the Original Pledge of Allegiance: "I pledge allegiance to my Flag and the Republic for which it stands - one nation indivisible - with liberty and justice for all." In June of 1954 an amendment was made to add the words "under God." Then-President Dwight D. Eisenhower said "In this way we shall constantly strengthen those spiritual weapons which forever will be our country's most powerful resource in peace and war." Some of the many Pledges of Matt Groening, from Life in Hell.
(Thanks to whoever runs the
Life in Hell site. Wow, is it ever ugly.) I pledge allegiance to the flag "I plead alignment to the flakes, and the untitled snakes of a merry cow. And to the Republicans, for which we scam, one nacho, underpants, with licorice and jugs of wine for owls." And, the 1991 one:
From : Suzanne A few weeks ago Bova conducted a BJ class for a bachlorette party I hosted. I love this picture. The class was phenomenal. His knowledge on the topic is deep and wide. - SM
06.11.04 Bob: i just saw a pigeon straight-up WHOOP another pigeon's ass. it was brutal! all pecking at near the eyes and "holy shit, i'm a pigeon and i can't get away from this pigeon who's snapping at my wings" kinda shit. dude, this traffic situation's even got the pigeons all angry. Me: wasn't that one of the signs of the apocalypse? Bob: here's the passage from revelations: "and god said pigeons would turn on each other after a great leader fell. the streets of a capital city would fill with fire and riderless horses and there would be general naughtiness among its officials and its citizens. it will also be very hot outside." WOW. 'Twas the Great Cupcake Reunion Part 2, plus new Bitty Porn! Cowabunga, Bitty. You are Fine.
WHAT ARE THE PEOPLE LOOKING FOR? manscaping 06.09.04
I wrote Bob a poem. I don't write a lot of poems, but I hope you like it. Here goes....(AHEM)...check! check! Go, go, go, go You can find me in the club, bottle full of bub When I pull out up front, you see the Benz on dubs
And you should love it, way more then you hate it Don't try to act like you ain't know where we been either nigga There. Do you like it? I'm going to call it "Girlfriend Willin to get Bi." In other news of note, Bitty Has Arrived! She runs and everything. Go, go, go Bitty it's your birthday! Why do I obsessively read the sports page? Because I'm a sheep! Baa. Baaaah. Herd me! "In a frequently chaotic world, team sports provide structure to millions of Americans, says Michael Mandelbaum in his new book." And You Thought It Was Just a Ballgame, nytimes. jill&eric. We would just let it go, but so long as the corpse and casket are paraded through our drug-addled, traffic choked district, we can't. From the Village Voice via Bob, Death of a Salesman Gipper-dämmerung 07.01.04 1. Metro is pissing people off again, halving the size of every train after 10pm. "...angry crowds have found themselves competing for space on the trains at an hour when most had been accustomed to relaxing their urban combat skills. Those unable to push themselves aboard have to wait 15 to 20 minutes for the next train, as a new crowd forms around them." This right after a fare increase, and a new report that Metro could have been running 8-car trains during rush hours, rather than the current max of 6, all along. An 8-car train is 600 feet long, the exact length of Metro platforms, and were built that way for that purpose. If you are an everyday Metro commuter, you understand the significance and absurdity of this "discovery." 2. Distracted Driving Safety Act Begins July 1. Because I hate freedom, I have no ambivalence about the "no cellphone while driving" law. I hope they pull over and ticket every damn person, me included if necessary. Bonus: no more sitting shotgun in someone's car while they prattle on the phone. I hate that.
CONTEST: This is a fun picture to play with in Photoshop. Please send your Photoshopped Robber to jennifer_miller at sra.com. 4. Fort Reno: Fort Reno summer concerts continue, tonight with Ted Leo and Ian McKaye & Amy Farina as The Evens. The other night several of my heartier friends went to the midnight showing of Spiderman 2. I asked intrepid reporter Shauna Miller to give me a three sentence review in under five minutes. She wrote: "spidey was almost a perfect movie, but it is 10 minutes too long. sam raimi is a GENIUS and there is an awesome evil dead reference and a cool nod to king kong, too. kirsten dunst has a wet t-shirt scene again, and also walks around with her eyes half closed like she just got some and now she's bored. dave had to explain to me what a hobgoblin was, but the crowd seemed way excited about that, as well. there is a lot of makers mark product placement in this film, the moral of which seems to be that alkies eventually become crazy villians in hobgoblin suits. oops, that was like 5 sentences. 6." Claire Zulkey wrote this for the Tribune. Registration may be required:
Happy 71st, Grandma. 06.30.04 Bitty Report: I decided to start Bitty up and see if I could get him going without anyone around to make me nervous. (Note: although I extend Bitty some of the characteristics of a sentient being, Bitty's gender is like that of a dog - girl or boy, it's a dog. Or like a baby. It's a baby. People disagree with me on this one. But I digress.) The first thing that happened, upon climbing on Bitty and giving her a kick, was I lost my balance, and Bitty sort of fell over on me, which would have been very embarrassing, except no one was around. Anyway, to make a boring story end sooner, I got the guts together to put her in gear, ease off the clutch, throttle....and, off I went down our very scary alley! Over garbage and gravel and bricks and glass, Bitty and I bounded down the hundred-year old brick cut, and out onto Emerson St. proper. We went around the block twice. In first gear. Yeehaw!
BWA was down yesterday, but he sent me this query and link: "will you do this if i do it?" Project Blog. I said sure, it sounds insane. Blogging every 30 minutes for 24 hours. Please send your nominations for a worthy charity. Monday, while looking for an illustration for Dunlap's preview, I came across an interesting series of drug sites, run by what appears to be one man. You could spend a lot of time, starting at www.cocaine.org. Bob writes: "the bush campaign took down the ad
comparing the kerry campaign to nazis. their reasoning is now posted
on home page at reelectbush.com.
it's just as unsettling as the ad itself." Liz Penn is busy writing fun and edifying reviews for us to read, and
Jill is busy reminding us of them. On Farenheit
911; on The
Stepford Wives and other stuff, and for Slate, on the great Ms.
Cho: There's nothing understated
about Revolution, Margaret Cho's latest. 06.28.04 Bob writes from work Friday night: "john stewart is on larry king. he just said 'conservatives for nader as a group probably has about the same numbers as retarded death row inmates for bush.'" TONIGHT: 28 MONDAY - Dave Dunlap, Jr. reporting: Rock 'n' roll has never lacked for cocaine inspiration: Sabbath's Volume 4, the Eagles' Hotel California, the Mac's gold-dusted Tusk. There sure are some lameass renditions of songs about the white stuff, though. I for one would rather crawl out a 53rd-story window than have to poison my earhole with Slowhand's mangling of J.J. Cale's blue-flake ode. But Bobby Bare Jr.'s new "The Terrible Sunrise" might be the best of the genre: "The sunrise ain't pretty when you ain't been to bed/And tomorrow is today instead..../The devil has crawled inside your nose." It's a worthy successor to Johnny Cash's version of "Cocaine Blues." Bare's From the End of Your Leash is full of great songs about drinking and heartbreak as well, and we can blame his upbringing for that. His daddy was no slouch as a songwriter, and Junior was raised in Nashville among such Outlaw Country royalty as Waylon Jennings—and we all know he was no stranger to the lure of the line. Bare plays with Tom Heinl at 8:30 p.m. at the Iota Club & Cafe, 2832 Wilson Blvd., Arlington. $10. (703) 522-8340. (David Dunlap Jr.) What's secret and powerful and lesbian and stylish? Why, it's The Secret Power of Lesbian Style, nytimes. "Far from being frumps, lesbians are a powerful presence in fashion, in both predictable and unexpected ways." From various sources. We've come a long way, frumpies. Silver Grey arrives at Underblog's. The Modern Language Association Language Map, A Map of Languages in the United States, RT. Adam writes - b side in collaboration with art & soul presents: jess feury, ryan hackett, nate lankford, karie reinertson, rebecca rogers, and pete smith. paintings/installation/photography, with music by manhunter at: flyer design by nate lankford & adam robinson
06.25.04 911 - kitty emergency, from Kim K. Howdy! Dave W. says, "just a giant colon for our friends lucky enough to live in beautiful Seattle. Let the summer fun begin! GOP agitprop ad at Bush-Cheney '04, from Deb D. Plan to reunite Luna with whale pod is put on hold, Ranger Ted. I have a ton of work to do now. Orca and albino deer, care of Ranger Ted.
06.24.04 SpaceShipOne just managed to make it up to (suborbital) Space and back, making its pilot the first privately-funded spacecraft operator to meet aliens. He said it was neat. They did it all with Paul Allen's $20 million, an amount SpaceShip's designer snorted "NASA would spend on a paper study." Snort snort snort. 'Fahrenheit 9/11' Is a Red-Hot Ticket, opening nationwide on 900 screens tomorrow. "The documentary includes endless shots of Bush golfing, taking vacations and shaking hands with Saudi oil tycoons at fancy hotels." You know, I'm kind of sick of everyone dissing Michael Moore. I know how he comes off. But his lil movie could very well swing this election. And if you don't believe that, we at least now have a significant artifact documenting the sins of this administration, and for that I'm grateful. The woefully hapless Wizards just made a trade for nice guy and NBA 6th Man of the Year Antawn Jamison, which can only mean Jamison will soon inexplicably suck and/or be arrested. Sorry, Antawn.
06.22.04 Speaking of Meredith Bragg, and Brian Minter, self-identified piano virtuoso, Sarah Lyon writes: i know there was some confusion the other night about meredith's upcoming show Q1) meredith is playing a show? answers: A1) yes, meredith is playing a show. Thursday, June 24th Thanks for clearing that up, Sarah. So, Thursday night will be busy, with Sally Mann at the Corcoran, Meredith Bragg at DC9, breakdancing at Chief Ikes, the arrival of Bitty, and the visiting of sister Jesse. Followed by a very full weekend, including the birthday of Sallypants! Family Day, and the Great Emerson House Party, VI. Oy. Yesterday I asked people to send in sad songs for the Monday Mix Tape™ v.1. And some people did. For more sad songs, see everything I've got over in Record & Tape Outlet.
Frog in the sink, yesterday at the Accokeek Ranchero. From SuSuBelle.
06.21.04 Don't Die in Me, Mirah.
On the other hand, if you want to see a funny movie full of motorcycle chases, rent Torque. It's on IMDB's list of Top 100 Worst Movies ever, proving beyond a shred of doubt that many people wouldn't recognize humor if it hit them with Ice Cube atop a crotch rocket at 180 mph. Also, this is an official party announcement from Les: 06.18.04 Sally Mann: What Remains, at the Corcoran through September 6. Catalog speak: "Never one to shy away from challenging subject matter, Mann asks us in What Remains to contemplate the beauty and efficiency with which nature assimilates the body once life is over." The lovely rotting dead, by the amazing Ms. Mann. Bob reports: "Space news - Wild 2 comet unlike any other. oh my god! rodents genetically altered into unnaturally monogamous state!" Speaking of -ygamy, this is funny: POLYGAMY PROBLEMS, by CZ. Speaking of CZ, she's got The Poppy Z. Brite Interview today. Poppy has a new book called Liquor, which Wendy (whose birthday is tomorrow, Juneteenth) is currently reading. Be sure to send your regards. Let's have another song. Lift Yr Skinny Fists Like Antennas To Heaven, by Godspeed You! Black Emperor. And why not another. The Buildings They Are Sleeping Now. And now, a special surprise from our own Oscar prognosticator and commentator, Mr. Jack Martins! Jer F*cking Me - Right?Jack N. Martins Every now and again, I am so disturbed by the current state of celebrity
affairs that I feel it's my calling to send an item to Heck's Kitchen.
After a long discussion last night, I knew that a quick diatribe regarding
the recent rash of ricockulously named celebrity offspring was a necessity.
Let's just say I'm not exactly cuckoo for Coco Cox (Arquette). K? You may be thinking, "But Jack - celebrities have been bearing children with idiotic names since the dawn of time!" (which, incidentally is 1948, when the television was first patented). But I retort….as humans, are we not designed to learn from our past mistakes and move on? Instead, it's all a little bit of history repeating…. You see, a long time ago, in an acid-induced galaxy far, far, away, a normally named man, Frank Zappa, began fathering children. I guess to draw attention to a flagging career, he named them Dweezil, Ahmet (the most conventional of the names), Diva (as if she were nearly as important to the gay world as four-time Academy Award Nominee Ms. Julianne Moore), and good ol' Moon-Unit. Collectively, these uber-successful offspring have hosted the first TRL on MTV in the 80's (1-800-DIAL-MTV - I called 20 times one day to get "Home Sweet Home" by Motley Crue on…..I still believe I am sole the reason it shot to number one - I'm on my way, just set me free, home sweet home), a game show on the Game Show Network that even I couldn't watch more than once (a first for me since, well, ever - I'll watch any game show), and a traveling cooking show with Lisa "you say, I only hear what I want to" Loeb on the Food Network. Wow…they're like the first family of cable. Bow before them and shower them with Ace Awards. Fast forward to the early 90's, when an incredibly successful Demi Moore and an even more successful Bruce Willis are Hollywood's power couple, and they start having children. Now, if I were them, I would think to myself - "what goes well with Willis….hmmm…" What I would NOT have come up with are names like Rumer (future crackhead), Scout Larue (six-time divorcee), and Tallulah Belle (stripper - hellooooo). These names broke up a good marriage, killed two careers, made Planet Hollywood file for Bankruptcy, and kept Ashton Kutcher in the weekly rags. Oy.
I'm not pulling jer leg. Jer not dyslexic. Rub jer eyes and read it again. He named the children Jermajesty. And then, mere months ago, we celebrate the birth of little Apple Blythe Alison Martin. Come on Gwynnie - I though you were hip enough to know that Apples are SO 70's….it's all about Ugli fruit and Pomegranates these days. Ugli Pomegranate Martin would have been kickASS! Well, should little Apple be a straight girl (Apple has lesbian written ALL over it), I can only hope she meets the spawn of Jason Lee and settles down. I can see it now - "Pilot Inspektor Lee and Apple Blythe Alison Martin give bath to first child - Lala Cowbell Martian. Lee" or something of the sort. Or maybe she will be best buds with Coco Cox Arquette. Oh, the scary, scary possibilities. So I ask you, Hollywood (and you know you're reading)….when will the madness end??? What will it take for you to realize that you are threatening the very fibers of American morality, already coming undone by the looming darkness of gay marriage? I guess this is what happens when you let straight people have children…. 06.17.04 Mr. John Vanderslice, $12 mainstage at 8:30. Please see Heck's Record
& Tape Outlet for several Vanderslice songs. The Tragedy of Karl Malone, by Claire at Barrelhouse Magazine. See also Zulkey's new diets at plain old Zulkey. Don't forget today is Day 17. And here's a picture my dad took. State high school track championships, Ohio.
06.16.04
Speaking of murder in the big city, the Detroit Pistons just KILLED those silly purple and gold Lakers, and I really wish I'd put some money on them because they were at least 6-1 underdogs. But I did pick them to come out of the East, so take THAT, random drunk guy on the barstool next to me at the Lucky Bar that one time. Ha! Ok, my entire update below this point was just wiped out when ye olde Photoshoppe caused ye olde Dreamweavere to crash. Perhaps it's a sign to start working, or to go to lunch. Here's a flyer for a show I can't attend, but looks like some fun anyway: the Carlsonics at Fort Reno, Saturday at 7:15. Sarah Lyon will give you a ride. Grilled Scallops with Grilled Pineapple Salsa Recipecourtesy Wolfgang Puck, from foodnetwork.com 15 large sea scallops Soak wooden skewers in water for 30 minutes. Season scallops with salt. Oil a hot grill and place the skewers over high heat for about 2 minutes on each side. At this point, you may brush on teriyaki or your favorite barbecue sauce. Serve immediately over pineapple salsa. Pineapple Salsa: Oil your grill. Place pineapple slices onto hot grill for 4 minutes on each side. Gently toss the onion slices and jalapenos in olive oil. Place onto the hot grill for 3 to 4 minutes on each side. Remove from grill. Peel skin off of jalapenos. Cube the pineapple, removing the inner core. Cube the onion and mince the jalapenos. Combine all of them with the chopped herbs in a large bowl. Add lime juice and drizzle with olive oil. Season with salt and freshly ground black pepper, to taste.
06.15.04
Here's the Original Pledge of Allegiance: "I pledge allegiance to my Flag and the Republic for which it stands - one nation indivisible - with liberty and justice for all." In June of 1954 an amendment was made to add the words "under God." Then-President Dwight D. Eisenhower said "In this way we shall constantly strengthen those spiritual weapons which forever will be our country's most powerful resource in peace and war." Some of the many Pledges of Matt Groening, from Life in Hell.
(Thanks to whoever runs the
Life in Hell site. Wow, is it ever ugly.) I pledge allegiance to the flag "I plead alignment to the flakes, and the untitled snakes of a merry cow. And to the Republicans, for which we scam, one nacho, underpants, with licorice and jugs of wine for owls." And, the 1991 one:
From : Suzanne A few weeks ago Bova conducted a BJ class for a bachlorette party I hosted. I love this picture. The class was phenomenal. His knowledge on the topic is deep and wide. - SM
06.11.04 Bob: i just saw a pigeon straight-up WHOOP another pigeon's ass. it was brutal! all pecking at near the eyes and "holy shit, i'm a pigeon and i can't get away from this pigeon who's snapping at my wings" kinda shit. dude, this traffic situation's even got the pigeons all angry. Me: wasn't that one of the signs of the apocalypse? Bob: here's the passage from revelations: "and god said pigeons would turn on each other after a great leader fell. the streets of a capital city would fill with fire and riderless horses and there would be general naughtiness among its officials and its citizens. it will also be very hot outside." WOW. 'Twas the Great Cupcake Reunion Part 2, plus new Bitty Porn! Cowabunga, Bitty. You are Fine.
WHAT ARE THE PEOPLE LOOKING FOR? manscaping 06.09.04
I wrote Bob a poem. I don't write a lot of poems, but I hope you like it. Here goes....(AHEM)...check! check! Go, go, go, go You can find me in the club, bottle full of bub When I pull out up front, you see the Benz on dubs |
3.
grass
players, Vicario and Lindsey and Capriati, and then four years of the
Williams sisters (Venus, Venus, Serena, Serena). The men's side was
dominated for a decade plus by *yawn* Pete Sampras, so...yeah. This
year Serena's blowing everyone up. She served up a 126mph rocket yesterday,
a Wimbledon record, against a French miss who looked quite overwhelmed.
She squashed Capriati this morning 6-1, 6-1. The Russian girl, 17-year
old Sharapova is good, too. Unfortunately, as Sally pointed out yesterday,
when that noble tournament comes around, and you realize you're missing
it, that's just a big fat reminder that you don't get Summers anymore.
You work. Loser.
Have
you ever wondered what I do all day at "work"? No, but I'll show you
anyway. I spent last week posting these new Public Service Announcements
to the Energy Star website. The New York Times wrote about them, and
Daily Kos responded: 
From
Bob:
But
did they learn? Of course not. Though quiet for several years, celebrities
(some more important than others) began the recent round of horrid monikers
last year. Who started this trend? The Jackson family, natch. It all
started with the nickname of a young fry dangling off of a balcony in
Germany. Ladies, Gents, and Trannies, allow me to present Blanket Jackson
to you. Not one to be upstaged, older and wildly unsuccessful brother
Jermaine kicked it up a notch with little Jermajesty Jackson.
Every
day, often twice, I ride the city bus. The city bus is full of poor
people, a small but significant minority of whom, on each and every
bus, are some combination of LOUD, OBESE, SMELLY, DRUNK, or CRAZY. I
would say that every trip up and down 14th is an adventure, but that
word conjures an image of protagonist action, whereas I mostly
sit quietly, staring out the window, with my hands covering my ears.
Let's just say the feeling I get from exiting the bus is is an enormous
relief, like when your parachute opens, or when you don't get stabbed
on the bus.
I
apologize for the sordid state of affairs in the kitchen. I have given
up trying. Also, my optometrist informed me today that the vision in
my right eye is "still correctable" with "thick enough
lenses," the unspoken part being, "not for much longer."
How sad.
06.10.04
