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02.14.03 John Gorka: The Water is Wide, Lisa Moscatiello: A Fool Such As I, Radiohead: Knives Out, The Be Good Tanyas: Only In The Past, Magnetic Felds: All My Little Words, Belle & Sebastian: Get Me Away From Here, I'm Dying, Cowboy Junkies: Sun Comes Up, It's Tuesday Morning, Emmylou Harris: Tragedy , Katharine Whalen and the 6ths: You You You You You, Linda Ronstadt: I Never Will Marry, Bruce Springsteen: Tougher than the Rest, and Sally Timms and the 6ths: Give Me Back My Dreams. I got a bloody Valentine! Hey Jenny, 02.13.03 Like everyone else who read a bit about the Pete Townsend internet kiddie-porn case, I myself tried Googling "Russian orphanage boys," to see if I, too, came up with horrific child rape pictures. Happily, I did not. What I did find were hundreds of sites for international adoption. Tons of photolistings and descriptions of available kids in orphanages. You can pick 'em out just like cats and dogs on the Humane Society's pages. So my breeding friends and that includes we gays these days, think about it. Michael Fox sent this: "...the Dodge Tomahawk. Its a concept vehicle. A four wheeled motorcycle with V-10
engine that will allegedly top out at speeds Yesterday Brian Geller at loshon hora had two great anti-war site links up, but today he has disappeared them. So I'll give 'em to you myself, but remember Brian was the genius who found them: GLAMericans for Peace, and Masturbate for Peace. Obviously, we are on the side of Good, if these are our allies. Over and out, happy Thursday, JM. 02.12.03 On the subject of congrats, I've been meaning to announce the following: Brian has received a prize, which he's calling a "merit-based award" from his company, which is sending he and his lady to Aruba. I'm very jealous. Bob was hired as actual staff at Voice of America, which means he's no longer in contractor-purgatory, and Mike has been promoted from playground-guy-snack-maker-music-teacher over at his school to something cool-sounding, but I think "Dean of the Annex" was a joke. And....condolences to Bob who's great-uncle, one of his favorite relatives, died Sunday.
A
Picture Worth a Thousand Answers: Scientists Capture Best Image Ever
of Universe's Beginning. "As a result, the astronomers said, they can TONIGHT: by Dave, from the CP: "If it’d been me instead of Anthony Michael Hall and Ilan Mitchell-Smith creating the ultimate woman in Weird Science, things would have turned out totally different: I would have thrown a copy of the first Avengers’ 7-inch and a Near Mint The Avengers #4 into the computerized cauldron. And instead of boringly "perfect" Kelly LeBrock, out woulda popped Polly Watson, frontperson for NYC’s Crimson Sweet . Watson quit an editorial job at Marvel Comics to pursue the punk life full time. Good thing she did: The band’s disarmingly straightforward approach to punk is refreshing in this world of No Wave poseurs and electroclash lemmings. Her band mates, Robbie Kongress and "Electric"Al Huckabee, are a more than ably propulsive rhythm section, but it’s hard to deny the primary appeal of a woman who can discuss both the Silverhead discography and Frank Miller’s run with Daredevil. Crimson Sweet plays with the Meat Joy at 9 p.m. at the Black Cat’s Backstage, 1811 14th St. NW. $5. (202) 667-7960. (David Dunlap Jr.)" If you've done something cool or had something sad happen, and you could use some public recognition or sympathy, please write me. 02.11.03 There's some new songs in the HK jukebox, AND I've set up a public FTP account so you guys can upload stuff. I KNOW you've got good things on your computer that you'd like to share with the people. Thank you. 02.10.03 From Trix McGinnis, former HK Consumer Consultant - Dear Hecky: Top 5 or 10 for the Bonnie Prince? Then why hasn't it appeared on the newly furnished books and music favorites section? I'm trying to come up with some more stuff---maybe I can add a section of what NOT to read or buy, even though critics love it. For instance this Ha Jin (I think) book called Waiting, which won the National Book Award in 1999. Could this book be any more boring? Yes, the point of the book is that these lovers are waiting for each other while living under the extremely repressive chinese communists during the cultural revolution. But do they have to be waiting with such boring personalities and must the author use such insipid prose to unravel this big giant snore? I think there's ten times more passion between me and my cat, who I am slightly allergic to. There is nothing beautiful about this book. Happy VD Day! YESTERDAY: A-List HK friend Brian accompanied me to my sweet little grannies' house. We were fed and fed and my great-grandma was particularly fascinated with my laptop's mouse. Here is a picture of me and my 96-year old great-grandma. Don't click it if you are afraid of old people, or of the insides of my nostrils. In other laptop news, I discovered that one can watch movies, and not necessarily pornography, in bed with laptop and headphones. So I will now stop griping about not having a TV and VCR in my room. 02.09.03 MJF also recommended Sharpeworld, America's #1 Website. Jennifer Sharpe's site is intimidatingly good 'n' deep. Deep as in, this will take up many hours, so I'll wait until I'm back at work to begin perusing. 02.07.03 Martina Hingis Calls it Quits: Oh, Martina II, I miss you already. How could you only be 22? "I want to get my English to such a high standard that I can get a job in, perhaps, marketing. I have money and I live in a country that I love ... what more could I ask?" asks the Swiss Miss. The Reciplex Revived! This week: Microwaves As Entertainment, Vegetarian Sausage Taste Test, Grammar-challenged Comments attempt to drive traffic to "competitor" sites, and Great recipes from the fall get a second turn as "Recent Additions" Why I Should Be Famous 1.) Because it is something I really want, and have strived hard to
achieve. This seriously makes me furious. Jackson
Investigation Requested By Attorney, Singer Feels 'Betrayed' By Documentary,
and he fucking And speaking of Jesus Christ and prudery, here are some Christians that boast none of the latter. LIBERATED CHRISTIANS "Promoting Positive Intimacy and Sexuality Including Responsible Nonmonogamy or Polyamory as a legitimate CHOICE for Christians and others / Exposing false traditions of sexual repression that have no biblical basis. Promoting Intimacy & Other-Centered, Loving Sexuality Sybian for Maximum G-spot orgasms for women's pleasure and therapy." Swing away!
02.06.03 It's a sick codependence, we and Jacko. Living With Michael Jackson, tonight at 8, "the longest suicide note in history." The CornCrib is Jacob, famous for his :( Washington, DC :( bumper sticker. Mark yer calendar.
02.05.03 here's some stuff for HK. use as you will. luv, brian
(ed. note: i have been listening to the sun, and they rawk.) My little sis tried to get me to listen to The Be Good Tanyas, and I finally did, and I'm glad. MP3: The Littlest Birds. Last night James Mercer, The Shins guy, played a beautiful little set. Go over to the hippoate "sounds" section and listen to When I Goose Step. And I've got Girl on a Wing. Kwame to LeBron: "Nothing in life is free." by Kornheiser. Phil Spector hires O.J. lawyer after murdering veteran actress of Roger Corman films. Pitchfork. See also the new version of Let It Be will lack the bloated orchestrations of Phil Spector. 02.04.03 "It may be a punch line to more than its fair share of jokes, but
Seattle's Sub Pop has consistently released better music than most labels
over the past couple of Iron & Wine MP3s: Southern Anthem, Lion's Mane
02.03.03 Sneak Preview See Julie Comnick's new painting, Communion with Vacancy. Complete site redesign coming soon.
Unlike most kids, I wanted to be an astronaut when I grew up. In 1961 the Russians sent up Valentina Tereshkova, making her the first woman in space. The progressive Americans followed up with Sally Ride in 1983, 22 years later. I always felt a bond with Valentina, because her birthday is March 6, 1937, and MINE is March 5, 1973. Cool, huh? Oh yeah. Wow. B. Geller links to April 1980 article, Beam Me Out Of This Death Trap, Scotty 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1 ... Goodbye, Columbia by Gregg Easterbrook. It's somewhat difficult to make a solid case for manned space exploration,
considering its costs and limitations, but it's not difficult to argue
for Generally I can't stand SI's Rick Reilly, because he's a marginally talented blowhard, but when he writes a good column about how obscenely undercovered are women's sports, I am happy to spread the word. Please check it out. And while we're over at SI, let's look at some possible answers to the burning question, What is Payton's Place? as in Gary, the Glove, Payton! I have to go move my car now. HK is starving for feedback. Feed HK today. 01.31.03 * * * * * * * * 01.30.03 In These Times has a great interview with 80-year old Kurt Vonnegut. Excerpted here: Joel Bleifuss: My feeling from talking to readers and friends is that many people are beginning to despair. Do you think that we’ve lost reason to hope? KV: I myself feel that our country, for whose Constitution I fought in a just war, might as well have been invaded by Martians and body snatchers. Sometimes I wish it had been. What has happened, though, is that it has been taken over by means of the sleaziest, low-comedy, Keystone Cops-style coup d’etat imaginable. And those now in charge of the federal government are upper-crust C-students who know no history or geography, plus not-so-closeted white supremacists, aka "Christians," and plus, most frighteningly, psychopathic personalities, or "PPs." To say somebody is a PP is to make a perfectly respectable medical diagnosis, like saying he or she has appendicitis or athlete’s foot. The classic medical text on PPs is The Mask of Sanity by Dr. Hervey Cleckley. Read it! PPs are presentable, they know full well the suffering their actions may cause others, but they do not care. They cannot care because they are nuts. They have a screw loose! And what syndrome better describes so many executives at Enron and WorldCom and on and on, who have enriched themselves while ruining their employees and investors and country, and who still feel as pure as the driven snow, no matter what anybody may say to or about them? And so many of these heartless PPs now hold big jobs in our federal government, as though they were leaders instead of sick. What has allowed so many PPs to rise so high in corporations, and now in government, is that they are so decisive. Unlike normal people, they are never filled with doubts, for the simple reason that they cannot care what happens next. Simply can’t. Do this! Do that! Mobilize the reserves! Privatize the public schools! Attack Iraq! Cut health care! Tap everybody’s telephone! Cut taxes on the rich! Build a trillion-dollar missile shield! Fuck habeas corpus and the Sierra Club and In These Times, and kiss my ass! I got that link from shaliniland. TOMORROW: DEB SCHWARTZ SAUNTERS INTO HECK'S KITCHEN! 01.29.03#2 It's time to show and tell. HK wants your stuff. Who wants to be interviewed next? Who has incriminating photographs? Who's got a bad short story? Who is lonely? The Kitchen cannot have too many cooks. C'mon, send something to katspank@hotmail.com. Today! 01.29.03 Most HK regulars are former video store clerks or former video store clerk groupies. Marty, from yesterday, has passed along Tales From the Video Store, and I'm sure "Clerk Tales of Woe" and "Customer Hall of Shame" will return many fond rememberies. New Tunes. 01.28.03 I got a Booyrah! This bit of fanmail is a good excuse to invite you to look at my romance comics site. It is sort of ugly, incomplete, and amateurish, with a smarmy bio attached, but you can read old romance comics there. Hi, Jenny! I was just perusing your romance comics Web site. Interesting stuff. I'm a fan of older comics myself, especially those that aren't about super-heroes, such as horror, war, westerns, etc. I can't say that I'm a fan of romance comics myself, but I do have a couple, and some of them are damn funny in retrospect. I noticed you haven't added any '70s Marvel or DC romance comics to your page. You haven't seen ugly wardrobe, bad hairstyles or hopelessly dated dialogue until you've read some of these. Do yourself a favor, Jenny, and hit eBay now! :) Keep up the good work. Booyrah! Please check out Marty's cool site, Marty's
Marquee. The guy has written a review of every movie he has ever seen. 01.27.03#2 01.27.03 Here's some stuff:
01.24.03 The dark side of 8-tracks: who knew small labels used to put out "tribute" albums, tricking dumb people into buying imitations recorded with studio bands? They even ripped-off Xanadu! Thanks Dave D. Jr.
01.23.03 Anyway, Xanadu
is a wonder to behold, though it bombed and was panned far and near. The
London Evening News called it "The most dreadful, tasteless, movie
of the decade. Indeed, of all time." But who cares. This 8-year old A lovely place to read more about Xanadu is The '80s Movie Gateway, and a site I can't say enough about is Only Olivia. On the subject of music as painkiller, our old friends at Last Plane to Jakarta have penned some very nice pieces on a variety of topics lately, including how Karen and Richard Carpenter ushered in multi-track pop recording. And here's one about how vegetarians can love barbecue sauce the same as everyone else, and by the way, Comets on Fire has released an album. And while we're on the subject of rock and roll as tasty junk food, my
friends' band, The Johnson Brothers, keep using in their promotional materials
a quote from the local weekly, in which the critic called their music
"chicken wings for the soul." They seem not to realize that
this isn't a compliment. And I get to see Peggy and my boys play this weekend. Hooray! Here are a bunch of pics of the band taken by my dad, and here is their real site. To bring us back down to wretched Earth, Bob has sent The Unseen Gulf War, which is good but should only be clicked if you want to see some real collatoral damage. 01.22.03 ***** 01.21.03 In case you hadn't noticed, most of our nation's people have been tricked, distracted, medicated and kneaded into a mass of doughy, infantile reactionaries. It really pisses me off, and I imagine you are annoyed, too. In addition to the news about my cervix, I also learned today that "Two out of three adults questioned said people 'who do not believe in religion' were unlike them...In contrast only one in three viewed Christian fundamentalists as being different." Here's how they teach sex-ed in Texas, thanks to our Doorknob-in-Chief: "You have been lied to, lied to by the media, lied to by celebrities," Ed Ainsworth told the 120 squirming eighth-graders at Smylie Wilson Junior High School. "Will this condom protect your heart?" he asked, flashing a glossy Trojan ad on a giant screen. "Will this condom protect your reputation? Go ahead and use a condom. You'll still be known as a slut." And here's a big shocker: the military needs to bomb our few remaining pristine places, so they can learn to kill people better. Totally off-topic, the Titans lost the other night, but Steve McNair is a warrior. In Rare Air, McNair Gave a Super Effort, by Steve Fainaru Washington Post 01.20.03 The business of finding and keeping heroes is treacherous. Even MLK is purported to have been a lecherous piggy with the ladies. But do like Clinton and compartmentalize, and behold the man's courageous life work. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., the great civil rights leader, rhetorician, orator, and king of the peaceful protest.
Seven of us actually got up and went to the big protest yesterday - with about half a million (depending on who you believe) other cold people. It felt enormous. The temperatures were in the lower 20s. The chants were, on the whole, bad. The speaker we heard was Al Sharpton - blick. But the day was sunny, the route was interesting, and hopefully it will matter in some way. There were pretty decent signs: I believe the group favorite was, "Why Do You Gotta Be All Violent?" Last week featured lots of letters, book recommendations, activism and music links, pictures, football picks, and our interview with Katy Otto. And next week we'll finally have the much anticipated Suzanne Marcus interview! So stay tuned, and happy Martin Luther King weekend. JM 01.17.03 Football is like some class I signed up for back in September because
I needed one more elective to graduate and it was the only thing that
fit in my schedule. I stuck around because the professor was hot and class
met in a bar. But along the way, something happened. I began to understand
that football is about more than touchups, defensive running backs, and
goal field things - it's about people. People whose lives play out just
like movies. I first tested my theory during the Fiesta bowl. Ohio State's possession
of a precocious freshman who had recently suffered a personal tragedy
ensured the Buckeye's win in overtime against a seemingly invincible team.
Upon hearing my successful prediction, HK's proprietor asked me to use
my film knowledge to predict (or "cinurmise") the outcome of the playoff
games. You'll see that three out of four cinurmations in last
week's column were correct. What you can't s So, here I am, a week later, asked to cinurmise the future once again. Problem is, all my teams won last week. I've grown attached to them and their individual struggles. How can I turn my back on Johnnyson and Mr. Tokoyoko? Now McNabb's big heart has a special place in mine. There's no way I can desert the Hoboken of the West Coast. And Eddie George is HOT! What's a gal with supernatural prediction powers to do? I think it's best to keep my mouth shut. For those of you who were planning on putting money on my picks I'll say this . . . you can expect an Eagles performance worthy of Veterans Stadium. On the other hand, an All-Pirates Superbowl XXXVII would be kinda kick ass. And wouldn’t that make a fun theme party? Eye-patches are seXXXVIIy! 01.16.03 01.15.03 MoveOn.org is a pretty nifty and effective war protest site, and they're sending around this petition to sign, among other things. From Kim K. of Philadelphia: "Auntie Mame: An Irreverent Escapade by Patrick Dennis. Though it in no way matches all yous edumicated ruminations, it makes one laugh out loud until you remember that you don't have a rich and flamboyant aunt that worked at the roller skates counter at Macys during the Depression. (This may be why you are riding a Greyhound.) Then this makes you sad. Bonus: There's a sequel too, Around the World With Auntie Mame!!!" Thanks Kim! We'll have to get the permanamamanent books and stuff recommendations page up soon. From Suzanne, of New York: "Planned Parenthood is doing this virtual rally. Maybe you could put the link on your site? It's funny. http://www.rallyforchoice.com/index.asp. Also, I agree with whoever suggested that HK offer book and film recommendations. Might I suggest you also include hair and skin product recommendations as well." Thanks SM, we'll look into that. From S, of DC: An exciting new trend in anti-choice feminism! http://www.womendeservebetter.com From Dunlap Jr, of Tacky Park: "Hey J, Are you friends with these guys from back home? (please say yes, please say yes) And can we hang with em? http://www.rcmediaonline.com/Outlaw/Roster_amdog.htm. I hope you are happy now. Your tipsy tirade has got Wendy all riled up about the saving the "world" now. It may involve me getting up at 6am on a weekend. Thanks. d" From Bev S. of DC: Did you know there is a collective of lady DJs here in Our Nation's Capitol? Now you do. It's The First Ladies DJ Collective. Finally, my all-time favoritest most wonderful professor ever ever, the Great Dr. Jeanne Fahnestock, has published another book: Rhetorical Figures in Science. It's a book about rhetoric. And science. You might not guess by my lazy wordcabulary and ass-halfed arguments that I myself was a Rhetoric Major. Well, how about that. Here's a snippet of what someone thought of her book: "Rhetorical Figures in Science is a book with many virtues: a compelling case for figures as arguments; a superb history of figuration, which brings it into revealing alignment with topoi and enthymemes; a series of excellent to stunning critical readings; and one of the most astute and lucid readings of Aristotle's corpus in years." Only $76! Got stuff you want to push in This Space for Rent? Want to help Jenny not get FIRED? Send good things this way. love j 01.14.03 dear jennymiller of heck's kitchen... dave eubanks, here. long-time listener, first-time caller. first, i think your site is the dreamiest, and am glad that my cc'd pal brian told me to go to heck. speaking of brian... in the spirit of his impressive efforts to pass
along a few more new journalism types--isn't he just the smartest?--and
in the spirit of your efforts to illuminate connections between said creative
historians a la defoe and capote, i've got an unsolicited observation
for the growing "hey-you-should-totally-read-this" discussion. didion has actually written about mailer. she reviewed the executioner's song, his biography of gary gilmore, who was in 1977 the first american executed in a good long while. the review is... uh... cool, because it's kind of like truman capote patting daniel defoe's back. or have i got it backwards? only trouble is, reading a joan didion review of a norman mailer novel would only occupy a few brief moments of travel on the dog. for that, i'd say dave eggers for southbound and westbound rides and david sedaris when easterly or northerly. of course, neither is a new journalist, so this email has clearly lost its focus. the didion review is at http://www.nytimes.com/books/97/05/04/reviews/mailer-song.html. sorry, no suggestions for best album of 2002, but if we keep our fingers crossed maybe a few more will appear. buddyhead hurt my feelings. yep. that about does it. admiringly, dave 01.13.03 Tricia, formerly our consumer consultant, suggests we start a books and music recommendation page. Sound good? She also agrees with Brian E. about the Joan Didion book he mentioned the other day. And, she says this: "Another good and capitivating "trapped-on-a-Greyhound" book that I just finished was Empire Falls, by Richard Russo. It takes place in this run-down, blue-collar town in Maine, and deals with issues you would expect in that sort of setting---frustrated ambitions, lack of ambition, tangled and protracted family roots and secrets, etc.. It's character and plot-dense, moving between the present and the past, and is a pleasurable read (but don't read it if you are in the mood for something mentally challenging). If you are looking for something darker, more beautifully written, and thought-provoking, I think the last good read like that was A Bend in the River by VS Naipaul." 01.11.03 From The Smoking Gun: At right is a photo of Joe Millionaire, a.k.a. Evan Marriot, back when he was an underwear model. Joe Millionaire is a truly reprehensible show, but I have to admit I sort of dug The Bachelorette (though I had to watch it through the "scary movie hand filter"). Will American embrace the humiliation and degradation of men in the same way they love to see hot chicks cry and grovel? Uh, here's a vote for No. The Top Albums of 2002 debate continues! This time Brian has helpfully sent over the picks of Seattle's KEXP, which happens to be one of the very, very few good radio stations.
Fred has sent us Blertco, a happy little site mostly about Art Cars. But Blertco also seems to like kittens and funny signs, like this one. Daily Alcohol Cuts Risk of Heart Attack, Study Finds Last week or so I was really excited about Capote's
In Cold Blood, and I wrote up a little bit about its place in the creative-non-fiction-new
journalism genre, and comparing it to Defoe's Journal of the Plague Year.
I certainly didn't think I was the first person to put these works in
the same paragraph or anything, but it still made me feel really unoriginal
when I opened up my Microsoft Encarta Encyclopedia and found this: "Other
novelists move in the opposite direction and place true-life people in
their works, attempting to portray the people in great detail. For his
In Cold Blood (1966), Truman Capote researched the lives of two murderers
and wrote their story as a chilling study of personality and motive. Capote’s
book traces its ancestry to A Journal of the Plague Year (1722) by English
That's all for today. Happy weekend. 01.10.03 Heck's mailbag never exactly spills over, but yesterday was a biggish day, as 63 actual people other than myself stopped by to get Tittie McNipple's football picks. Today I was going to write about Thomas de Zengotita's essay in Harpers, COMMON GROUND: Finding our way back to the Enlightenment, but that sounds like something to do while I watch FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL! So, a sampling of yesterday's correspondence: From: "David Dunlap Jr." ddunlap@washcp.com J, From: Brian Geller bgeller7@yahoo.com What's up? This is Brian. How about putting me on your mailing list?
From: "Wascalus, Jacob" WascaluJ@executiveboard.com i feel so honored! jaime's and my friend troy is making some From: (identity concealed for protection) Hey Buddyhead, just wanted to say that I'm really envious of your ability to use FUCK in a record review. That's fucking brilliant, you stupid ass pieces of shit. At least you learned how to use a simile before you started wasting all your time obsessing over television, your younger siblings lives, people who shop at the mall, and girls who will never sleep with you. You make people who are down with the syndrome look like fucking Einstein. Why don't you move out of your parents house and get a fucking life? (Editor's note: This HK friend hated Buddyhead.com so much, she got confused and sent hatemail to me. I don't even like Buddyhead!) From: "Brian Eskridge" brian_eskridge@hotmail.com jenny-- perhaps jaime and jacob would be *even more* impressed if you
used the word "simplicity" rather than the non-word (or word-usement as
i like to call them) "simpleness." yeah, i bet that would win you some
love. (Editor's note: Last night I was driving to a bar and suddenly it hit me: "SIMPLICITY!" Boy, was I pissed. And then Brian sends me this. I don't know if I should still love him. But thanks for writing, all y'all.) 01.09.03
Bucs vs. 49ers
Raiders vs. Jets 01.08.03 Jesus: Ok, our dear friend Bob has sent us Jesus of the Week. Pictured is "Huggy Jesus," a soft savior invented by a homeless man. A nice story. Plenty more Jesuses where that came from, too. Buffy: Tuesday,
January 21, 8PM ET/PT Artsy: Every week or so I get a newsletter called "Insider's Arts Guide, Washington's hottest source of free, cheap, and off-the-beaten-path arts & cultural events." Unfortunately they don't seem to have a website, so I marked up the document for your convenience. If you like it, subscribe, because that was too labor intensive. Playoff Football: Get ready to make some money, my gambling friends! Tomorrow HK reveals our own can't-miss Swami. You'll be amazed! 01.07.03 Announcing the birthday of Philadelphian Kim Kindelsperger! D.C. misses you Ms. Kim.
Click the comic to your left so you can read it. Borrowed from Salon.com,
by Tim Tomorrow. Deb of DebCentral received fan mail yesterday. It made her feel good that someone out there was reaping the benefits of her toil. Wouldn't you like the benevolent facilitator of Heck's Kitchen to also feel loved? Write her at katspank@hotmail.com. 01.06.03#2 01.06.03 So, we could certainly discuss the latest invasion talk (my very own housemate Paula is being sent to Saudi Arabia), or the latest Palestinian suicide bombing, or the latest Israeli promise of retribution, but, nah. I saw two movies last week, neither of them good, but both carried by worthy female leads - Sweet Home Alabama, with Reese Witherspoon, and Maid in Manhattan, starring Ms. Jennifer Lopez. Throw in Two Weeks Notice, with Sandra Bullock (and Hughey Grant) and those are three movies led by women who can act (in my opinion) and which are making lots of money. It just seems to me that there was a time when people said only Julia Roberts could open a movie big. Anyway, I can't recommend Sweet Home Alabama or Maid in Manhattan, but I hear Two Weeks Notice is good. And I'm sure Frida, starring Salma Hayek, is certainly more filmically meritorious than all the aforementioned. As you can see, I don't write about movies for a reason - I am bad at it - but I like the trend of women-led blockbusters. This week: Suzanne Marcus - The HK Interview. Also, a movie review by a competent critic, and of course, MORE. 01.03.02 01.02.03 12.28.02 In other cheery news, my stepdad's mom is not expected to make it through the night. I feel bad for him. And my mom. And my dad's mom just left. She drove up for a quick visit from Ft. Meyers. She's got a big gambling problem, see, and oh, never mind, this is too confusing. Not a very coherent entry. Anyway, my stepdad's out there in the living room drinking Port and smoking a cigar with my dad, mom, sister and sister's boyfriend. I just phoned from the back of the house and learned they're now watching some movie starring Tom Cruise that appears to be military- or courtroom-based. In other words, I'd rather be back here in the rec room doing this and half-watching Scary Movie 2 with two 14-year old boys. In conclusion:
12.27.02 Last night my sister, her boyfriend, and our dad hung out in Ybor with the great modern couple Deb Schwartz and Brian Geller. Schwartz was very entertaining, as usual. Geller has finally updated his bloggy site and named it Yiddish-style, "Loshon Hora," which means something like, "vicious gossip." Over at Hippoate, M. Bennett has surrendered his indie-rock cred with a fairly gushing review of Justin Timberlake's new single. My big news of the day is, I survived my first yoga class! My dad and I both survived, actually. It was 90 minutes of hell, in a super-heated room. It was also my first workout in at least a year. Recommended. Back to family time. 12.25.02 from shauna and slate, the saddameter, and while i was over there i also read the atheist christmas challenge. and the reciplex brings you the best fruit cake recipe ever. (hic!) 12.20.02 From Andy Earles (of Failed Pilot fame) via Dave D. Jr. (who recently won the Lampshade Award at the CP's holiday party) comes this sampling of caricatures of dreamy '80s popsters. Tomorrow: HK chieftan JM shares a Very Special New Year's Tale. It's tentatively titled, "Alone in the Universe, banging two pots together." Be sure to join us. 12.19.02 Billings, who is an artist, made a strong case for purchasing a Billings. I don't recall it exactly, but it went something like this: Her major mode of transport, a 3-speed bicycle, is in need of repair. In Italy she learned to paint a hell of a torso. A Billings will be worth a lot of dough someday. With her proceeds she will run George W. out of office. Plus a girl needs food, and tampons. And finally, (I have this verbatim) "it's all true what they say about Italians - we are the best dressed - the best lovers, and we will get Tony to pay you a visit if you disagree." All in attendance agreed that Billings was quite dashing, and probably has thugs at her beck and call. Now, go over to Michelle's site and think strongly about buying some protection, I mean, some paintings, today! ALSO: Need another gift idea? Tricia has sent us Saints of Virtue, the Christian video game. This is something I hope my little brother doesn't receive. 12.18.02
Click the comic to your left so you can read it. Borrowed from Salon.com, by Tim Tomorrow. Deb of DebCentral received fan mail yesterday. It made her feel good that someone out there was reaping the benefits of her toil. Wouldn't you like the benevolent facilitator of Heck's Kitchen to also feel loved? Write her at katspank@hotmail.com. 01.06.03#2 01.06.03 So, we could certainly discuss the latest invasion talk (my very own housemate Paula is being sent to Saudi Arabia), or the latest Palestinian suicide bombing, or the latest Israeli promise of retribution, but, nah. I saw two movies last week, neither of them good, but both carried by worthy female leads - Sweet Home Alabama, with Reese Witherspoon, and Maid in Manhattan, starring Ms. Jennifer Lopez. Throw in Two Weeks Notice, with Sandra Bullock (and Hughey Grant) and those are three movies led by women who can act (in my opinion) and which are making lots of money. It just seems to me that there was a time when people said only Julia Roberts could open a movie big. Anyway, I can't recommend Sweet Home Alabama or Maid in Manhattan, but I hear Two Weeks Notice is good. And I'm sure Frida, starring Salma Hayek, is certainly more filmically meritorious than all the aforementioned. As you can see, I don't write about movies for a reason - I am bad at it - but I like the trend of women-led blockbusters. This week: Suzanne Marcus - The HK Interview. Also, a movie review by a competent critic, and of course, MORE. 01.03.02 01.02.03 12.28.02 In other cheery news, my stepdad's mom is not expected to make it through the night. I feel bad for him. And my mom. And my dad's mom just left. She drove up for a quick visit from Ft. Meyers. She's got a big gambling problem, see, and oh, never mind, this is too confusing. Not a very coherent entry. Anyway, my stepdad's out there in the living room drinking Port and smoking a cigar with my dad, mom, sister and sister's boyfriend. I just phoned from the back of the house and learned they're now watching some movie starring Tom Cruise that appears to be military- or courtroom-based. In other words, I'd rather be back here in the rec room doing this and half-watching Scary Movie 2 with two 14-year old boys. In conclusion:
12.27.02 Last night my sister, her boyfriend, and our dad hung out in Ybor with the great modern couple Deb Schwartz and Brian Geller. Schwartz was very entertaining, as usual. Geller has finally updated his bloggy site and named it Yiddish-style, "Loshon Hora," which means something like, "vicious gossip." Over at Hippoate, M. Bennett has surrendered his indie-rock cred with a fairly gushing review of Justin Timberlake's new single. My big news of the day is, I survived my first yoga class! My dad and I both survived, actually. It was 90 minutes of hell, in a super-heated room. It was also my first workout in at least a year. Recommended. Back to family time. 12.25.02 from shauna and slate, the saddameter, and while i was over there i also read the atheist christmas challenge. and the reciplex brings you the best fruit cake recipe ever. (hic!) 12.20.02 From Andy Earles (of Failed Pilot fame) via Dave D. Jr. (who recently won the Lampshade Award at the CP's holiday party) comes this sampling of caricatures of dreamy '80s popsters. Tomorrow: HK chieftan JM shares a Very Special New Year's Tale. It's tentatively titled, "Alone in the Universe, banging two pots together." Be sure to join us. 12.19.02 Billings, who is an artist, made a strong case for purchasing a Billings. I don't recall it exactly, but it went something like this: Her major mode of transport, a 3-speed bicycle, is in need of repair. In Italy she learned to paint a hell of a torso. A Billings will be worth a lot of dough someday. With her proceeds she will run George W. out of office. Plus a girl needs food, and tampons. And finally, (I have this verbatim) "it's all true what they say about Italians - we are the best dressed - the best lovers, and we will get Tony to pay you a visit if you disagree." All in attendance agreed that Billings was quite dashing, and probably has thugs at her beck and call. Now, go over to Michelle's site and think strongly about buying some protection, I mean, some paintings, today! ALSO: Need another gift idea? Tricia has sent us Saints of Virtue, the Christian video game. This is something I hope my little brother doesn't receive. 12.18.02 12.17.02 Brian Eskridge has found evidence, derived from a bar receipt and a handwriting analysis tome from 1948, that I "had an early start in the path to Amazonian libertinism and matriarchal promiscuousness," among other things. Are you a girl with a left-slanting signature? Do you seek to undermine Man's Natural Order? Are you frequently filled with a strange joy of the forbidden? Please step behind the curtain and let Dr. Alfred O. Mendel reveal your veiled father fixation!
This also just in: That puppy offer was some sort of lame hoax, I'm told. What an odd, unfunny hoax. Still, they are cute puppies, and HK prides itself on posting cute pictures. It keeps the cute hatas out. Look, I said "hata." 12.16.02 Is it better to fill up at stations that don't use oil from the Middle East? I think so. Aside from the political implications of dependence on Saudi oil, there are few environmental atrocities worse than war. So, thanks Julie Comnick for forwarding: Major companies that do and don't import Middle Eastern oil (for the period 9/1/00 - 8/31/01)
If you do the math at $30/barrel, these imports amount to over $18 billion. 12.13.02 Yesterday I promised you a gift guide and a contest, but alas, I promised too much, as I am wont to do. Maybe tomorrow. I will also bring you the thrilling story of Constance being propositioned by Charlie Rose (no, it wasn't dirty. Or was it?). This is the kind of thing that can happen to a person after being featured in This Space for Rent. Keep that in mind. Did you all see The Chosen One, King James, LeBron James last night on ESPN2? I never knew I hated Dick Vitale and Bill Walton until suffering through their nauseating gushing over this 17-year old basketball player. Gross. Here are some "places" that might sell things that the people on your list
want: 12.12.02 Tomorrow: Heck's Kitchen's last-minute-online-shoppers guide. And, we begin a new contest called, "Defend Your Nerdy Obsession." Got one? Get defensive about it, why don't you. 12.11.02 HK: Tell us about Cloud, your hilarious Chinese mom. Constance: First off, I'd like to thank my smashing host, JM/HK/katspank, for having me here today. HK: (blush) Constance: Well, Cloud, like all good folks, had humble beginnings. She grew up in Taiwan, poor, tanned, spirited, and pretty enough for people to urge her towards a flight hostess career, a top aspiration for demure young ladies at the time. But Xiaomei, as she was known at the time, would not have it. She sent a watermelon-lugging suitor packing, was suspended from school for kicking a ball into her teacher's face, hung upside down out of classroom windows to better view the clouds that would inspire her future name, mooed loudly during class, and dreamt of one day becoming a brave horsewoman in the desolate Gobi desert. This woman, sometime thereafter, became JJ, as well as mom to me and my sister. She is now known as Cloud, because that's what people who see her signature self-portrait think she is. When she's pissed off (you can tell, because she yells, "PISSED!"), my sister and I refer to as the "Storm Cloud". Oh yes, she is indeed Chinese and she writes great emails with lines like: "Alas, I don't like commies either. What's a mother to do?" HK: Would you say there is any connection between the origins of Cloud, and your endearing self-deprecating humor? And might that be why you're moving yourself and your poor boyfriend to SHANGHAI??? Constance: Well, like all girls, I'm trying not to be like my mom. Sure, she's fun and kind and strong and wacky, but she's also a bundle of nerves. I may have inherited some of my wackiness from her, though I'm sure my dad would like to claim credit for my sense of humor. The self-deprecating part comes from the low self-esteem one can only garner from growing up Chinese and awkward in central Ohio. Cloud and the Dad do in fact reside in Shanghai, or as we like to call it, Hong Kong. But for a limited time only! So that would be why I am dragging Erik to the dangerous Orient. HK: Contance, I've heard a lot about your secretarial field studies. How long were you in the field before the secretaries began to trust you? Did you notice a social hierarchy among the group? Do you believe they have the capacity to feel pain, like people do? Constance: You're certainly right in that a social hierarchy exists. I am fascinated by secretarial cabals and culture but I must admit I have never been able to reach that inner sanctum of secretaries. I'd like to think that secretaries and other mimical species ("office girls" who like being called "office girls") accept me to some degree, but frankly, I'm a bit too much of a loner to fit in and rise in the ranks. In my current situation, I'm at a start-up, so I ride alone, I answer the phone alone, I fax alone. Though I must speak on behalf of secretaries and assistants everywhere: they are human, they do feel pain, so please give them a wide berth and a bit o' the kindness. They probably didn't get to take lunch for the fifth time this week and are getting paid $10 a day. That's why they construct vacuums of access—to aggregate power and compensate for low quality of work-life and pay. HK: Mmm, very interesting. Now, would you share with our readers the names of four inanimate objects in your household? Also, does it bother you that your old friends still call you "Connie," and if so, how will you stop us? Constance: Thanks for your concern but I'm okay with the "Connie", even though Cloud feels that it is a trashy-sounding name, and its mention in a Jeff Foxworthy book ("You know you're a redneck if...you have a tattoo of your woman's name on your arm and it's Betty Lou or Connie") corroborates that. Sometimes Erik calls me "shortpie" which I am not okay with. HK: I just have to ask for our readers, How DO you get your hair to do that? Constance: Well, dahling, some of us have it, and some of us do not. (Insert rich people laugh, which I stole from the people I work for.) Actually, I just use the same hair care product that Jenny does! HK: Parting thoughts? Constance: Gosh. It's a tremendous honor. I've been a big fan of Jenny's for years, and this is a dream come true. I really appreciate this opportunity to get my very important message of whining out to the hoi polloi. Smooches, darlings! And of course, a big shout-out to Jimmy Carter for his Nobel Peace Prize! ********* I said we were done with the King of Pop, but I was wrong, of course. I guarantee
you will be glad you read Moonwalker
In Neverland, by Hank Stuever. Excerpt: "Another person will no doubt have cause to drag him into a courtroom for some reason or another. At this metamorphic rate, what will respond to the summons will not be a man at all, but something contained in a jar, carried to and from the proceedings by an attorney or two. The jar will be speaking in a whisper, and cameras will be clicking in disbelief. Michael Jackson engenders a kind of disbelief that, on the whole, isn't the worst thing a man could be remembered for. The jar of goo will weep and not exactly answer the questions asked of it. The jar of goo will say all it ever wanted to do was help the children." 12.10.02 The Softies: Sleep
Away Your Troubles And it will generally be dominated by songs I think are Perfectly Sad. But feel free to send me MP3s! The new song section will be over there to the right where the Super Bonus Fun Float has been floating. Need a free player? Click here: Winamp download For dessert try Steve DeFrank, LiteBrite artist, and Timothy Wilson, photorealistic painter of old toys. Colorful, representational, and accessible for the masses. From the Corcoran Connection. 12.09.02 12.07.02 Today I booked a BUS ticket to Tampa for Christmas. Twenty hours on the dog. Do you have a special Greyhound horror story? Send it asap to katspank@hotmail.com. 12.06.02
(I know this is a Sensitive Issue so) I'm NOT saying any one of these girls' names is bad, (ok, I think Brianna kind of sucks): in fact, taken alone they are quite lovely...but....WTF is up with the trend to ultrafeminization? Just say these names aloud, and the enduring impression is...something like the memory of a head on a feather pillow. Clearly Madison came from a movie I missed, and other than that the only name with a decent consonant is Kaitlyn. The boys are boringly Biblical as usual, except for Dylan, our mildly rebellious, albeit standard, rugged individualist. Boys, we shall name you without an ounce of whimsy, because what is expected of men above all else is conformity conformity conformity. Girls, we wouldn't think to weigh you down with substance and gravity. Go be pretty. This just in: my friend Sarah thinks I'm full of shit, but helpfully offers: "BTW, Madison is from Splash, which has been playing on TNT an awful lot lately." Speaking of our deeply prescribed gender roles, and gender stupidity in general: The Desperate Bachelors: India's Growing Population Imbalance Means Brides Are Becoming Scarce Oops! We aborted all the girls! THAT didn't turn out like we planned! Lady Pirates Scuttled, Lady Presidents Post Big Win, Lady Rockets Outmuscle Lady Comets, Lady Vikings Win Big. Photos by my dad, nomenclature by idiots. 12.05.02 12.04.02
12.03.02 <<APPLAUSE>> HK: Sarah, what IS Heartthrob, the game? HK: Who would you rather dance with, Dex or Greg? HK: I see. Do you find that white, homosexual men can
also play this game? Or is it only for white, heterosexual women? HK: Wow, I have a feeling this game could help a lot
of people sort out their OWN values, right SL? HK: Will this game be featured at GAME NIGHT, the Sequel?
HK: Parting thoughts? Superhero for Single Girls: Terrifica,
N.Y.-Based Costumed Protector of Women, Is Targeting Lonely Lotharios 12.02.02 #2 12.02.02
Atomic Books is a great place to
spend time and money, should you have it. They've got what appear to me to be
tons of comics and zines, and cool books like Also over the weekend: We met Bob's posse of Southern Sirens and they wield superpowers. For example, upon entering an establishment, pretty boys become glued to them. They also induce men to exhibit their wares in pubs. Fascinating! At least it was to me and Bob. Return tomorrow for an exciting review of Sarah's new board game from the '80s, Heartthrob! 11.30.02 11.27.02 Here's an illegible excerpt from Cimmarron #7. 11.26.02 part 2 11.26.02 Dave Dunlap Jr. is a recent Memphis transplant who is now famous in my mind for, among other things, a) introducing me to Creem magazine, and b) writing a great zine from which I learned descriptors like "Afternoon Rock." I read Lester Bangs for the first time on Saturday, and I'm even more embarrassed to say, I had to ask Matt Cowal what a "hesher" is. Geez. Dave wrote this for the Memphis Flyer: Blinded by the Lights, A study in stimulated emissions and musical phantasms at the Moldy Oldy Laser Show Festival. Read it and leak. 11.25.02 If you find snacks to be too complicated, one Susan Badder (boss o' SAL) found: The Funner Peanut Butter: P.B. Slices. Peanut butter slices make peanut butter easier to eat. If anyone feels qualified to help navigate, please write. 11.22.02 Sun's rays to roast Earth as poles flip. This little nugget, brought to us courtesy of shaliniland (more on that later), was the major subject of my evening with Bob. Basically, Earth's magnetic field is disappearing at a rate which signifies an imminent (this millennium) flip in our magnetic poles (north becomes south). The flipping has occurred many times in prehistory, but hasn't happenend in about a million years. Anyway, besides total anarchy among the migrating animals, our kids' kids (or whoever) can expect massive and unpredictable climate change (possibly to the point of our atmosphere boiling off, ala Mars), intense solar radiation bursts, and well, pretty much the end of civilization if not homo sapiens sapiens if not all terrestrial life, by exposure, famine or (name your plague). So, the question was, assuming these projections are accurate, does this change one's approach to life? Is it like or unlike the fact that our sun will die in 5 billion years, taking with it whatever is left? Is it like or unlike learning you have 6 months to live? I guess if you're an afterlife believer it matters less. Or maybe it matters more - I don't know. One thing I do know is that I am not among the people who find any consolation in the idea that humans have a future in space. I love space as much as the next geek, but we made ourselves on this planet over a helluva long time, and frankly, I don't want our ancestors evolving into creatures that can survive somewhere in a cold, plastic bubble on an alien planet, or worse, some floating hunk of steel in endless space. Shalini is a nice girl who is right behind this partition that makes up my cube here in corporate land. She is one of about 2 people here who talk to me, and this is her blog. 11.21.02 11.20.02
Last but not least, Fred has unearthed the motherlode of kitten pictures at Rate My Kitten! Wow! As Suzanne would say, it's Total Cuteness Overload.
11.18.02 Kelley Mlicki has sent this link: rathergood.com. One man and his love of animating angry kittens. Sarah has informed HK that the popular Black People Love Us! site, featured last week in this space via Mr. Geller, made the front of Sunday's NYTimes Style section. Read the article: Black-White Harmony: Are You Kidding Me? Yeah, you need to register, but it's free once you provide the usual false demographic information. These people were responsible for some other famous stunts, too. I wish I were creative like them (sniff). Finally, Marci and I had ate the new Burger King BK Veggie somewhere on the New Jersey turnpike. PETA said it was OK. And it was. 11.15.02 Argh, how could we have missed the birthday of the almost famous Deb Schwartz? Write her at contact@debcentral.com and tell her how bleak your days would be without her daily affirmations. Army Dismisses Gay Arabic Linguists. Well, screw you, Army, and your fake war on terrorism. The U.S. Army: We Fear Pansies. Speaking of human rights, terrorism, and cowardly military maneuvers, how are we feeling about the unmanned, remote-controlled Predator aircraft performing assasinations? Outside designated warzones? "Carbonizing" suspects, in lieu of arrest? Isn't it exciting that the government can now kill very specific people by remote control? Oh, I am feeling much safer now. By the way, White House press mouthpiece Ari Fleischer said, "The president has said very plainly to the American people that this is a war in which...sometimes there are going to be things that are done that the American people may never know about." 11.14.02 11.13.02 Happy late birthday Kelley Mlicki! By my calculations you should come East for a visit while you can still get around unassisted. 11.11.02 11.08.02 11.07.02 11.06.02 11.05.02 * HAPPY SUPER TUESDAY: Why you should care about democracy's big night out!
- The
Daily Show 11.04.02 *VOTE* Please vote tomorrow. Even I'm going to do it. Marylanders go here for polling places and candidates. Everyone else scroll down and Google your local election board. 10.30.02 10.29.02 Friends, don't let the kids down again this Halloween. Treat 'em to a pack of scary lies, compliments of everyone's favorite Christian propogandist, aka, the best selling author of all time (true!), the one and only, Mr. Jack Chick. And remember, you are Hopelessly Heckbound, Unbeliever! 10.28.02 An enormous protest against war was fairly well buried by the media. But it did actually occur. Eric, Constance, Jen, Bunny, and other HK regulars were in attendance. Sniper Suspect 'No Trouble' As Bar Regular. "Oyen and his regulars wonder whether the Waterfront Seafood & Bar is somehow cursed as a crossroad for serial killers." 10.24.02 - Happy United Nations Day. 10.23.02 10.22.02
There's nothing to say today except, Snipey, your total body count was trumped in a second by just one Palestinian suicide bomber. Mister Sniper: You are a Wuss. In other headlines, our Commander-in-Chief is a big fat liar. "For Bush, Facts Are Malleable: President's recent rhetoric has taken some flights of fancy." 10.21.02
Dear Comrades, The People’s Reciplex has recently undergone its own mini-revolution of sorts. We now offer not only recipes, but also wordy pleas for recipes and other amusements. Come visit and enjoy new recipes, plus pictures of meat and vegetables in unusual configurations! Participate in a budding debate about microwaves. (A machine of the people or capitalist tool?) And, Heck's Kitchen wishes a Happy Birthday to Bev Stanton! 10.16.02 10.15.02 10.12.02 10.11.02 10.09.02 Exclusive. Exclusive. Glory-seeking Sniper not getting enough attention. Provides local news outlet Heck's Kitchen with limited edition signed prints of Death Tarot cards. Make great gifts. Proceeds go to Bush's war.
10.08.02 #2 10.08.02 #1 10.04.02 10.02.02 10.01.02 Poor Pig.
I know how he feels. Waiting for a letter. I would also like a letter. But not a letter from United Features Syndicate or Stephan Pastis asking me to cease and desist using his Pig. But I can't help myself. So drop a missive on Jenny's World today. 09.30.02 09.27.02 Wanted: $20,000. Necessity is the mother of invention, or as new Redskins coach Steve Spurrier says, necessity is what makes things happen faster. This Karyn chick is paying off her big fat consumer debt faster and funnier than I coulda thunk. A true inspiration on a rainy day in DC, when the people are protesting the worst lenders of all, the IMF and World Bank. Boo. 09.25.02 09.24.02 New to the CD changer is Neko Case. She has an album out called Blacklisted, she's lived in Tacoma and Canada and Alexandria, VA of all places, and she's written this nice little essay entitled Neko's Ladies about her womanly musical influences. 09.23.02 Also today, the inimitable Deb Schwartz and inestimable husband Brian Geller have been taking a lot of bus trips to the nuthouse/prison to see Uncle Ira. Tensions are running high. "I refuse to stop not-laughing at Deb's jokes," said Geller. "If she divorces me, she must realize she will have to make the M-35 bus ride alone." Finally, Ellen DeGeneres showed up at the Emmys last night with a hot chick who is maybe not a lunatic. Yay! Thanks, Marci. 09.21.02 09.20.02 Speaking of obscene Disney pirates, Shelia Tiddle wants to know, What is Your Pirate Name? If you missed Dave Barry's column this week, you might not realize that yesterday was Talk Like a Pirate Day. Arr. And if you don't know who Lynda Barry is, here's a handy interview. 09.18.02 Also brought to my attention today are a couple tours you shouldn't miss. One is Stephin Merritt's Future Bible Heroes, making stops in NY, DC, Chicago, Minneapolis, and Pittsburgh. The second is Mirah, who is playing pretty much everywhere except DC. 09.17.02 09.13.02 My aforementioned sibling Jesse, the exotic pet smuggler, and I will be traveling to Chicago for Halloween. If any of you would like to commission work from artist-friend Julie Comnick, please let me know. You can see some of her work here. She paints a mean bird. 09.12.02 09.10.11 In other news, I have written a statement of mission. 09.06.02 09.05.02 It saddens me to report that my beloved car, an '84 BMW 325e called "Hockey Puck," died suddenly and unexpectedly today. Hockey Puck, we hardly knew ye. In lieu of flowers, please send donations to Jenny's Auto Fund. Thank you. 09.04.02 8.27.02 8.26.02 8.23.02 08.21.02 *an award with a prestige rating somewhere betwixt the Teen-Choice and the Music Video awards. |
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now predict confidently that the universe will continue to expand forever
instead of eventually collapsing back in on itself in a "big crunch,"
as some had predicted. 'The universe is expanding and cooling. That will
continue happening. The universe will get colder, the temperature will
drop and things will move apart. The density will go towards zero,' Bennett
said in an interview. 'It will dissipate and peter out, as opposed to
the alternative of having the universe close back in on itself. If you
had to choose how the universe would end, by fire or ice, this is the
ice answer.'" 
cammo,
green cammo, and a pair of boots, which she's allowed to keep. She's not
even in the military. She's an expert with some sort of superduper mapping
software they'll use to track down Scuds. They can pixelate all of Iraq
into one-meter squares. So like, some missile goes off from somewhere,
which is tracked by satellite, and then someone goes, hey, where are all
the hard-pack, rural roads with less than a 2-degree grade, blah blah
blah, and then Paula and her people whip up a map which shows just those
spots, down to the meter, and then other people run out in their tanks
or whatever and try to blow up the Scuddies. This whole thing seems very,
well, expensive for one thing.
EMERGENCY!
The Terrorist Threat has increased from Yellow
(Elevated) to Orange (High!)! On a
scale of 1 to 10, Fascist Homeland Security Dictator Tom Ridge says we're
around 8! Please avoid: "The financial sector - Key transportation
links, including bridges, tunnels, railways, subways, and civil aviation
- Symbolic targets, such as national monuments and recreation and amusement
parks - U.S. symbols of power, such as the White House, the Capitol, and
other federal buildings." No problem. As long as all of DC may now
quit our jobs and go on the dole. Ridge recommends we all make 
An example of Liberated
Christian humor.
The
Columbia blew up, and the big story seems to be how much less we felt
it than Challenger. Some call the Challenger disaster our Kennedy assasination,
at least in that everyone remembers where they were and what they were
doing when they heard the news.
Janeane
is so cool. 
A Rock and
Roll Odyssey to the Heart of it All. I tricked Sarah and the Dunlaps
into accompanying me to Columbus for the weekend. Luckily they had a good
time, or so they claimed. Yes, we partied with rock stars, we ate at White
Castle, we shopped at thrift stores, and we drank quantities of beer and
whiskey. Return tomorrow for photo evidence.
thought
Olivia was The Most Beautiful Woman of All Time, and the soundtrack was
huge thanks to the stylings of the Electric Light Orchestra. I'm listening
to it right now. And it's great!
But I don't care what the stupid Other Paper or London Evening
News says: Xanadu rocks and the Johnson Brothers are beautiful. So
beautiful, in fact, that if Peggy hadn't married that guy Curtis, I'd
have been sorely tempted to switch teams and try to get him for myself.
Not because he has such a good, good heart, which he does, nor for his
virtuosity, which is inarguable, but because he's just that Hot.
ee
is that I changed my Steelers vs. Titans cinurmation after learning that
Steelers coach Bill Cowher broke Titans coach Jeff Fisher's leg back in
1984 - ending his playing career (this information was not available at
the time of publication). Fisher's retaliation is clearly a more compelling
plot line than that XFL garbage!
This
is my sister Mandy and down there is my brother Sean. Aren't they cute?
novelist
Daniel Defoe, a novel based on real accounts that involves both actual
and imagined victims of a real-life plague that occurred in 1665 in London,
England." Is that uncanny or what? Which reminds me, Brian wanted to add
to the recommendation list 
Eagles
vs. Falcons 
his second season. Feeling betrayed, he decides to leave the game behind.
But a chance encounter with his elderly Asian neighbor convinces him to
reconsider his actions. Mr. Tokoyoko offers words of encouragement. "Johnnyson,
follow your heart. Arm for throwing will follow." Johnson shines on the
Bucs, a team that believes in him. Things seem perfect until Johnson hurts
his back. Mr. Tokoyoka appears and, using mystical Asian secrets, heals
the young Johnnyson. The quarterback returns to the field ready to prove
everyone wrong -- especially those jerks in Washington who haven't had
a good season since his untimely departure. Verdict: Bucs win!
Titans
vs. Steelers
in San Francisco's shadow. It looks across the bay towards unattainable
wealth and beauty, the Great Gatsby of cities. Like Oakland, Rich Gannon
knows what it's like to be second best. For years he bounced from one
team to another, but never started. That is, until Jon Gruden saw something
more than a career back-up. He saw a kindred spirit. He saw a man who
was right for Oakland. With the town's undying support, Gannon is ready
to show the world that second best is really first best, or whatever.
You can bet the underdog is going to prove the world wrong! (Seriously,
go bet your whole salary on this one.) Verdict: Raiders win!
Happy back to the grind, worker
bees, and welcome to a new year. Mrs. Sally Gilbert, my stepdad's mom,
died at 12:15 AM on December 29. She'd been going for quite a long time,
so it was a relief all around. My stepdad was holding her hand when she
died. I've never seen someone look so dead. I think Sally'd had a pretty
nice life. She had four sons. She seemed to really love her (still living)
husband Don. She wrote poetry and designed clothes and I know they travelled
a bit. She was quite a fashion plate. She was tall and interesting-looking
and the few times I hung out with her she'd get drunk and tell me, with
much gravity, that my mom is a very wonderful person. I guess you could
say she drank herself to death. I think she drank Scotch. Alcohol dimentia
and other alcoholism-related problems, like, repeatedly falling and breaking
bones, were the main culprits in her long decline. My mom and Mike had
been caring for Mr. and Mrs. Gilbert at home for several years, changing
diapers and stomach feeding tubes, administering drugs anally, and cleaning
gangrene wounds that went clear to the bone. Think about it, my fellow
recreational drinkers.
Happy Friday
the Thirteenth, my lucky friends. This has to be a quickie, as I am swamped
with actual work. Here are some FREE PUPPIES. Contact this person: suzette.jackson@uspto.gov.
I
was going to post a very handsome graduation picture of Bradley Taylor, but...isn't
this funny? These are ER psych nurses in Florida. I don't feel like I need to
comment further. Except to say, Congratulations Sir! We are all proud of you!
Especially my sister! And we hope the next time we get hammered and incur a
serious injury in the Tampa area, you will be there to keep us from swallowing
our tongues. Thank you!
NEW.
NEW. NEW. Today we debut the Songs Section (to be better-named when inspiration
strikes). It'll look kind of like this:
Please
give it up for S., GAME NIGHT chieftan, and owner of HEARTTHROB,
by Milton Bradley ©1988.
Collecting
Classic Video Games, by Bill Galaxy, which is a great nostalgia trip for
men and women of a certain age. I think you could get a bit of holiday shopping
done there.
My high school girlfriend looked like
Elizabeth Taylor and (I admit this must sound like a bit of an idealization
BUT), that might be why I came to consider Liz to be the Archetypical
Woman. Which is why I could spend my lunchbreak today thumbing through Elizabeth
Taylor: My Love Affair With Jewelry. It's the illustrated tale of a nice
Jewish girl who devoted her life to love and beauty. What's wrong with that?
Nothing. At right are George and Martha, Martha and George, with Martha wearing
some famous ruby earrings. Yeah! I feel better now!
11.19.02
of
these behemoths, you are about THREE TIMES as responsible as normal people
for all the drilling, murder, and pollution caused by oil dependence. In closing
I would like to express my wish that the endangered animals pictured in your
dumb ad live to see you die.
I know I
was born old and grouchy, but I don't get why shows have to start so damn late,
and why we're all forced to stand in place for hours, face forward, like a big
band of idiots. Especially when everyone knows there will be no cause for dancing.
Especially when you are 5'2" and every single person is taller than you. These
indie rock guys - they're not small. They're all Big 'N' Tall. Anyway, last
night we went up to Baltimore to see 
The
Day After...The fallout begins! Thanks Deb Duncan for passing on 
Senator
Wellstone is dead.
In
today's weird news, Chief Moose speaks to Snipe: "You asked us to say, 'We have
caught the sniper like a duck in a noose.' We understand that hearing us say
this is important to you." The duck reference apparently is drawn from a folk
tale in which a boastful rabbit tries to catch a duck in a noose. The duck appears
to be caught but flies off, dragging the rabbit along with him. The rabbit then
tumbles into a tree stump, where he is stranded. Pictured, Snipey & Son.
Sources: 
I don't know much about
my new pal Fred Knight, but he seems to have a thing for the Future, as
imagined in the Past. Today he offers us 
