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This Space for Rent Archive: 2002. Genesis.

02.14.03 LOVE, the begetter of heartache, the begetter of beautiful and sad, sad songs. The HK Juke tends toward the maudlin, 'cuz love hurts. So go have a nice cry in your beer: John Gorka: The Water is Wide, Lisa Moscatiello: A Fool Such As I, Radiohead: Knives Out, The Be Good Tanyas: Only In The Past, Magnetic Felds: All My Little Words, Belle & Sebastian: Get Me Away From Here, I'm Dying, Cowboy Junkies: Sun Comes Up, It's Tuesday Morning, Emmylou Harris: Tragedy , Katharine Whalen and the 6ths: You You You You You, Linda Ronstadt: I Never Will Marry, Bruce Springsteen: Tougher than the Rest, and Sally Timms and the 6ths: Give Me Back My Dreams. I got a bloody Valentine! Hey Jenny, You said you wanted a gun, so I got this one for you for Valentine's Day. It's a beauty too, a Smith and Wesson .357 Magnum with custom engraving. Feminine, but not too over the top, if you know what I mean. You'll have no problem dispatching a mangled kitten with this baby! Enjoy! Your pal, Michael Fox 02.13.03 SO! How are we feeling ONE DAY AFTER learning the universe will NOT end in a big, hot, sexy crunch, but in an infinite, and infinitely slowing expansion, crawling slower and slower but never stopping, not stopping after the last spark of light has been extinguished, not after every frozen planet and dead star has crept unfathomable distances apart from every other...just absolute zero cold and blackness, forever and ever. What? What's that you say? WHO CARES?! Well! I CARE! (sob! sob!) Like everyone else who read a bit about the Pete Townsend internet kiddie-porn case, I myself tried Googling "Russian orphanage boys," to see if I, too, came up with horrific child rape pictures. Happily, I did not. What I did find were hundreds of sites for international adoption. Tons of photolistings and descriptions of available kids in orphanages. You can pick 'em out just like cats and dogs on the Humane Society's pages. So my breeding friends and that includes we gays these days, think about it. Michael Fox sent this: "...the Dodge Tomahawk. Its a concept vehicle. A four wheeled motorcycle with V-10 engine that will allegedly top out at speeds between 450 and 500 MPH. Perfect for a sightseeing tour of central Iraq." Yesterday Brian Geller at loshon hora had two great anti-war site links up, but today he has disappeared them. So I'll give 'em to you myself, but remember Brian was the genius who found them: GLAMericans for Peace, and Masturbate for Peace. Obviously, we are on the side of Good, if these are our allies. Over and out, happy Thursday, JM. 02.12.03 MAZELTOV! Marci becomes a first-time aunt as of yesterday. The little fella was 10 days early, so he'll get to be an Aries steada one of us hopeless Pisces. Good for him, and the Gleicher clan! On the subject of congrats, I've been meaning to announce the following: Brian has received a prize, which he's calling a "merit-based award" from his company, which is sending he and his lady to Aruba. I'm very jealous. Bob was hired as actual staff at Voice of America, which means he's no longer in contractor-purgatory, and Mike has been promoted from playground-guy-snack-maker-music-teacher over at his school to something cool-sounding, but I think "Dean of the Annex" was a joke. And....condolences to Bob who's great-uncle, one of his favorite relatives, died Sunday. Speaking of aunts and uncles (and btw, Mike and Bob are both very fine uncles themselves) my uncle Ron sent this to HK today: The Gulf War 2 Simulation Game. You more watch it than play it. It's very scary, in a cute and educational sort of way. Check it out. A Picture Worth a Thousand Answers: Scientists Capture Best Image Ever of Universe's Beginning. "As a result, the astronomers said, they can now predict confidently that the universe will continue to expand forever instead of eventually collapsing back in on itself in a "big crunch," as some had predicted. 'The universe is expanding and cooling. That will continue happening. The universe will get colder, the temperature will drop and things will move apart. The density will go towards zero,' Bennett said in an interview. 'It will dissipate and peter out, as opposed to the alternative of having the universe close back in on itself. If you had to choose how the universe would end, by fire or ice, this is the ice answer.'" My mom's pastor, who doesn't "believe in" dinosaurs, vehemently disagrees. TONIGHT: by Dave, from the CP: "If it’d been me instead of Anthony Michael Hall and Ilan Mitchell-Smith creating the ultimate woman in Weird Science, things would have turned out totally different: I would have thrown a copy of the first Avengers’ 7-inch and a Near Mint The Avengers #4 into the computerized cauldron. And instead of boringly "perfect" Kelly LeBrock, out woulda popped Polly Watson, frontperson for NYC’s Crimson Sweet . Watson quit an editorial job at Marvel Comics to pursue the punk life full time. Good thing she did: The band’s disarmingly straightforward approach to punk is refreshing in this world of No Wave poseurs and electroclash lemmings. Her band mates, Robbie Kongress and "Electric"Al Huckabee, are a more than ably propulsive rhythm section, but it’s hard to deny the primary appeal of a woman who can discuss both the Silverhead discography and Frank Miller’s run with Daredevil. Crimson Sweet plays with the Meat Joy at 9 p.m. at the Black Cat’s Backstage, 1811 14th St. NW. $5. (202) 667-7960. (David Dunlap Jr.)" If you've done something cool or had something sad happen, and you could use some public recognition or sympathy, please write me. 02.11.03 My housemate Paula leaves for Saudi Arabia tomorrow. She'll be stationed at Prince Sultan Air Base in Al Kharj, 24°03'48"N 47°34'50"E, if you find yourself in the neighborhood. You should see all her gear. She has a flak jacket, burka, grenade vest, chemical gear (at left, including gas mask), one very heavy helmet, a pair of mittens with trigger finger, desert cammo, green cammo, and a pair of boots, which she's allowed to keep. She's not even in the military. She's an expert with some sort of superduper mapping software they'll use to track down Scuds. They can pixelate all of Iraq into one-meter squares. So like, some missile goes off from somewhere, which is tracked by satellite, and then someone goes, hey, where are all the hard-pack, rural roads with less than a 2-degree grade, blah blah blah, and then Paula and her people whip up a map which shows just those spots, down to the meter, and then other people run out in their tanks or whatever and try to blow up the Scuddies. This whole thing seems very, well, expensive for one thing. There's some new songs in the HK jukebox, AND I've set up a public FTP account so you guys can upload stuff. I KNOW you've got good things on your computer that you'd like to share with the people. Thank you. 02.10.03 EMERGENCY! The Terrorist Threat has increased from Yellow (Elevated) to Orange (High!)! On a scale of 1 to 10, Fascist Homeland Security Dictator Tom Ridge says we're around 8! Please avoid: "The financial sector - Key transportation links, including bridges, tunnels, railways, subways, and civil aviation - Symbolic targets, such as national monuments and recreation and amusement parks - U.S. symbols of power, such as the White House, the Capitol, and other federal buildings." No problem. As long as all of DC may now quit our jobs and go on the dole. Ridge recommends we all make Family Disaster Plans. The plan is, you're going to be a refugee. Load up your backpacks with water, drugs, identification, and go ahead and kill your pets, because they're not allowed in "shelters," wherever those are. Oh yeah, pick a spot "outside your neighborhood," where you can meet your peeps when the phones stop working. From Trix McGinnis, former HK Consumer Consultant - Dear Hecky: Top 5 or 10 for the Bonnie Prince? Then why hasn't it appeared on the newly furnished books and music favorites section? I'm trying to come up with some more stuff---maybe I can add a section of what NOT to read or buy, even though critics love it. For instance this Ha Jin (I think) book called Waiting, which won the National Book Award in 1999. Could this book be any more boring? Yes, the point of the book is that these lovers are waiting for each other while living under the extremely repressive chinese communists during the cultural revolution. But do they have to be waiting with such boring personalities and must the author use such insipid prose to unravel this big giant snore? I think there's ten times more passion between me and my cat, who I am slightly allergic to. There is nothing beautiful about this book. Happy VD Day! Trix YESTERDAY: A-List HK friend Brian accompanied me to my sweet little grannies' house. We were fed and fed and my great-grandma was particularly fascinated with my laptop's mouse. Here is a picture of me and my 96-year old great-grandma. Don't click it if you are afraid of old people, or of the insides of my nostrils. In other laptop news, I discovered that one can watch movies, and not necessarily pornography, in bed with laptop and headphones. So I will now stop griping about not having a TV and VCR in my room. 02.09.03 Magic Robot is the work of the brother of this guy I met the other night, Mr. Michael J. Fox. The brother lives, I believe, in California, and toils as a web designer. He also makes trippy little cartoons, which are both cute and oddly mesmerizing, kind of like Teletubbies. Check 'em out. MJF also recommended Sharpeworld, America's #1 Website. Jennifer Sharpe's site is intimidatingly good 'n' deep. Deep as in, this will take up many hours, so I'll wait until I'm back at work to begin perusing. 02.07.03 Last night was the opening of PORTRAIT OF THE ART WORLD, A Century of ARTnews Photographs. You may recall that Sarah wrote two entries for this exhibition and book a few months back. It's a cool show, and you can see it pretty well from right where you are, as they have a nifty slide show (link above). Martina Hingis Calls it Quits: Oh, Martina II, I miss you already. How could you only be 22? "I want to get my English to such a high standard that I can get a job in, perhaps, marketing. I have money and I live in a country that I love ... what more could I ask?" asks the Swiss Miss. The Reciplex Revived! This week: Microwaves As Entertainment, Vegetarian Sausage Taste Test, Grammar-challenged Comments attempt to drive traffic to "competitor" sites, and Great recipes from the fall get a second turn as "Recent Additions" Why I Should Be Famous by Deborah Schwartz 1.) Because it is something I really want, and have strived hard to achieve. 2.) Unlike most people, I don't care so much about money. I'd rather be poor and famous than rich and obscure. 3.) My community's "rabbi-at-large" once told me I was an "old soul". 4.) I have an interesting and sassy personal style. 5.) I am always the loudest person in the room. 6.) I floss almost every night. 7.) I have dared to mix Pop Rocks and Coca Cola 8.) Though I am pure of heart, I can't do anything particularly well. 9.) Though I am pure of heart, I can make fun of people loudly and not feel bad about it. 10.) I visit my uncle in prison regularly. 11.) I have had to endure many terrible hardships in my life (like not being famous). 12.) I would settle for being "relatively famous" or "kind of famous". 13.) I would never use my powers to maim or kill. 14.) I would always sign autographs whenever asked. 15.) I would never spit on those less fortunate than myself, even if they asked me to. This seriously makes me furious. Jackson Investigation Requested By Attorney, Singer Feels 'Betrayed' By Documentary, and he fucking should. I watched 5 minutesof this bullshit interview last night. The prudery and prurience of people continues to amaze me, and I'm speaking specifically of MJ sharing his bed with kids. Big fucking deal. He's not fucking these kids just because he's a weirdo. The world needs more love, as the man said, and if a parental-figure can't cuddle a kid then we're in real sorry shape. Jesus Christ. And speaking of Jesus Christ and prudery, here are some Christians that boast none of the latter. LIBERATED CHRISTIANS "Promoting Positive Intimacy and Sexuality Including Responsible Nonmonogamy or Polyamory as a legitimate CHOICE for Christians and others / Exposing false traditions of sexual repression that have no biblical basis. Promoting Intimacy & Other-Centered, Loving Sexuality Sybian for Maximum G-spot orgasms for women's pleasure and therapy." Swing away! An example of Liberated Christian humor.         02.06.03 The Korean Friendship Association Song of National Defence. This song is hilarious. As hilarious as the Official Website of North Korea. From loshon hora. It's a sick codependence, we and Jacko. Living With Michael Jackson, tonight at 8, "the longest suicide note in history." The CornCrib is Jacob, famous for his :( Washington, DC :( bumper sticker. Mark yer calendar. 02.05.03 here's some stuff for HK. use as you will. luv, brian From the Tampa Tribune: In September, art student Nathan Banks, 22 (of New York's Purchase College), painted randomly chosen words on about 60 meandering cows in order to see if they would inadvertently line up to form poetry. At about the same time, in England, writer Valerie Laws, 48, did the same thing with sheep (except that she chose the words of only one poem, to see if the sheep could form another poem). An arts council granted Ms. Laws about $3,400 for her project, which she said would break down the boundaries between "literature" and "quantum mechanics." From John Richards at Seattle's KEXP: The Sun "Love and Death" (Warner Bros) Finally, you can own The Sun. Right now in EP form, new full length on the way but goddamn this is good. I love the Sun so much it hurts. Get this, don't ask any questions. They are a rock band from Columbus Ohio who everyone will know of soon enough. (ed. note: i have been listening to the sun, and they rawk.) My little sis tried to get me to listen to The Be Good Tanyas, and I finally did, and I'm glad. MP3: The Littlest Birds. Last night James Mercer, The Shins guy, played a beautiful little set. Go over to the hippoate "sounds" section and listen to When I Goose Step. And I've got Girl on a Wing. Kwame to LeBron: "Nothing in life is free." by Kornheiser. Phil Spector hires O.J. lawyer after murdering veteran actress of Roger Corman films. Pitchfork. See also the new version of Let It Be will lack the bloated orchestrations of Phil Spector. 02.04.03 TONIGHT: (stolen from The Washington City Paper, by Dave) "It may be a punch line to more than its fair share of jokes, but Seattle's Sub Pop has consistently released better music than most labels over the past couple of years. Oh, sure, it's been the home for such whozats as the Blue Rags and the mischievously named Gardener. But the little indie that got real big when Nirvana did has of late also been responsible for such bands as the Shins and upstart krautpopsters Kinski. Iron and Wine is the label's latest unlikely success story. That moniker is the nom de tune for Sam Beam, whose God-given name is so smooth it makes you wanna drink him all night long. And after listening to The Creek Drank the Cradle, you might have to reach for something: Beam's melancholic songs about having mountains in the palm of your hand and throwin' it all away are some of the more beautifully devastating to be heard in a while. Poor Sam is constantly fretting about the ghosts of squandered passion. (Perhaps his sweetheart just got lost pickin' berries in that thicket that he calls a beard.) He also has a just-add-Jesus instant Southern Gothic flavor that, when accompanied by his whispered solipsisms, makes Elliott Smith look like bleedin' Lemmy. But all those precious idiosyncrasies are excused by the clarity of his proferred insights. Nothing checks the would-be migratory nature of our collective cock like "Now I see Love/Looking for you in this other girl's eyes/Time and all you took/Only my freedom to fuck the whole world." Beam plays with Rosie Thomas, James Mercer, and Sam Jayne at 8:30 p.m. Tuesday, Feb. 4, at IOTA Club and Cafe, 2832 Wilson Blvd., Arlington. $10. (703) 522-8340." (David Dunlap Jr.) Iron & Wine MP3s: Southern Anthem, Lion's Mane 02.03.03 Out with a whimper. SI for Women was never good. And now it's gone. Fans hoping for real sports coverage where SI left off instead found a periodical more akin to SI for Kids. When it wasn't dumbing down, it was being just another fitness mag. Still, it's sad. Sneak Preview See Julie Comnick's new painting, Communion with Vacancy. Complete site redesign coming soon. The Columbia blew up, and the big story seems to be how much less we felt it than Challenger. Some call the Challenger disaster our Kennedy assasination, at least in that everyone remembers where they were and what they were doing when they heard the news. Unlike most kids, I wanted to be an astronaut when I grew up. In 1961 the Russians sent up Valentina Tereshkova, making her the first woman in space. The progressive Americans followed up with Sally Ride in 1983, 22 years later. I always felt a bond with Valentina, because her birthday is March 6, 1937, and MINE is March 5, 1973. Cool, huh? Oh yeah. Wow. B. Geller links to April 1980 article, Beam Me Out Of This Death Trap, Scotty 5 ... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1 ... Goodbye, Columbia by Gregg Easterbrook. It's somewhat difficult to make a solid case for manned space exploration, considering its costs and limitations, but it's not difficult to argue for the relevance of cosmology, the ancient science committed to answering the Big Questions. Perhaps you have been wondering: If our universe began like a smooth, dark milkshake, with neither light nor lumps, what happened to pull matter together into the first star, then a galaxy, then clusters of galaxies, then into the largest known structures in the universe: bubbles, in which galaxy clusters fall into the seams, leaving unfathomable empty voids between? Hmm? The answer is dark matter, which is the invisible mass that accounts for 90% of all the mass in the universe. Without this mystery stuff, there would never have been enough gravitational pull to make the bumps which eventually turned into you and me. A very readable cosmology book is The Whole Shebang by Timothy Ferris, the stellar popular science writer. Ha ha. Generally I can't stand SI's Rick Reilly, because he's a marginally talented blowhard, but when he writes a good column about how obscenely undercovered are women's sports, I am happy to spread the word. Please check it out. And while we're over at SI, let's look at some possible answers to the burning question, What is Payton's Place? as in Gary, the Glove, Payton! I have to go move my car now. HK is starving for feedback. Feed HK today. 01.31.03 Deb Schwartz: The Meta Interview ! See Deb's Interview Here! * * * * * * * * 01.30.03 In These Times has a great interview with 80-year old Kurt Vonnegut. Excerpted here: Joel Bleifuss: My feeling from talking to readers and friends is that many people are beginning to despair. Do you think that we’ve lost reason to hope? KV: I myself feel that our country, for whose Constitution I fought in a just war, might as well have been invaded by Martians and body snatchers. Sometimes I wish it had been. What has happened, though, is that it has been taken over by means of the sleaziest, low-comedy, Keystone Cops-style coup d’etat imaginable. And those now in charge of the federal government are upper-crust C-students who know no history or geography, plus not-so-closeted white supremacists, aka "Christians," and plus, most frighteningly, psychopathic personalities, or "PPs." To say somebody is a PP is to make a perfectly respectable medical diagnosis, like saying he or she has appendicitis or athlete’s foot. The classic medical text on PPs is The Mask of Sanity by Dr. Hervey Cleckley. Read it! PPs are presentable, they know full well the suffering their actions may cause others, but they do not care. They cannot care because they are nuts. They have a screw loose! And what syndrome better describes so many executives at Enron and WorldCom and on and on, who have enriched themselves while ruining their employees and investors and country, and who still feel as pure as the driven snow, no matter what anybody may say to or about them? And so many of these heartless PPs now hold big jobs in our federal government, as though they were leaders instead of sick. What has allowed so many PPs to rise so high in corporations, and now in government, is that they are so decisive. Unlike normal people, they are never filled with doubts, for the simple reason that they cannot care what happens next. Simply can’t. Do this! Do that! Mobilize the reserves! Privatize the public schools! Attack Iraq! Cut health care! Tap everybody’s telephone! Cut taxes on the rich! Build a trillion-dollar missile shield! Fuck habeas corpus and the Sierra Club and In These Times, and kiss my ass! I got that link from shaliniland. TOMORROW: DEB SCHWARTZ SAUNTERS INTO HECK'S KITCHEN! 01.29.03#2 Worthwhile reading from creamedpeas: The Illustrated Encyclopedia of Sex. These Plinko girls have even more time on their hands than I...and some fun & pretty sites to show for it, including: 404 Research Lab, plinko.net, creamedpeas It's time to show and tell. HK wants your stuff. Who wants to be interviewed next? Who has incriminating photographs? Who's got a bad short story? Who is lonely? The Kitchen cannot have too many cooks. C'mon, send something to katspank@hotmail.com. Today! 01.29.03 TODAY IN HISTORY, starting today: Jaime S. reports success using the State of the Union Address Drinking Game. Others went out to see Will Oldham, aka, Bonnie 'Prince' Billy, play his entire new album, Masters and Everyone, in order. Weird. Most HK regulars are former video store clerks or former video store clerk groupies. Marty, from yesterday, has passed along Tales From the Video Store, and I'm sure "Clerk Tales of Woe" and "Customer Hall of Shame" will return many fond rememberies. New Tunes. Tribute, by Tenacious D (from dana k.) Lindy-Lou, by Miho Hatari and the 6ths You You You You You, by Katharine Whalen and the 6ths Sea of Heartbreak, by Johnny Cash Mean-Eyed Cat, by Johnny Cash Unchained, by Johnny Cash 01.28.03 Janeane is so cool. No Kidding: On Iraq, Janeane Garofalo Fights to Be Taken Seriously And, because these two would be in my Cabinet: Janeane Garofalo interviews Eddie Vedder 1998 Last night I had a dream. I got a Booyrah! This bit of fanmail is a good excuse to invite you to look at my romance comics site. It is sort of ugly, incomplete, and amateurish, with a smarmy bio attached, but you can read old romance comics there. Hi, Jenny! I was just perusing your romance comics Web site. Interesting stuff. I'm a fan of older comics myself, especially those that aren't about super-heroes, such as horror, war, westerns, etc. I can't say that I'm a fan of romance comics myself, but I do have a couple, and some of them are damn funny in retrospect. I noticed you haven't added any '70s Marvel or DC romance comics to your page. You haven't seen ugly wardrobe, bad hairstyles or hopelessly dated dialogue until you've read some of these. Do yourself a favor, Jenny, and hit eBay now! :) Keep up the good work. Booyrah! Marty McKee http://pimannix.tripod.com Please check out Marty's cool site, Marty's Marquee. The guy has written a review of every movie he has ever seen. 01.27.03#2 Happy one-year anniversary to Deb Schwartz and Brian Geller! My wedding present is now officially overdue. That goes for you too, Bob. 01.27.03 A Rock and Roll Odyssey to the Heart of it All. I tricked Sarah and the Dunlaps into accompanying me to Columbus for the weekend. Luckily they had a good time, or so they claimed. Yes, we partied with rock stars, we ate at White Castle, we shopped at thrift stores, and we drank quantities of beer and whiskey. Return tomorrow for photo evidence. Here's some stuff: At Celebrity Rants, hear Orson Welles have an artistic disagreement with the director of his frozen peas commercial. (fred) At awolbush.com: Bushy was a draft dodger, too. The State of the Union Address Drinking Game (eric) 01.24.03 YOU ASKED FOR IT. Well, at least one of you did, and I have delivered. Please see the new bookshelf & turntable page, where we're posting all your book recommendations, and mp3s. Cool, huh? The dark side of 8-tracks: who knew small labels used to put out "tribute" albums, tricking dumb people into buying imitations recorded with studio bands? They even ripped-off Xanadu! Thanks Dave D. Jr. UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE! Bush FDA Appointee Favors Prayer for PMS and Opposes the Use of Contraception by Unmarried Women Nell Carter dies at 54 Bush can't even leave Title IX alone Women's college basketball recruiters scaring top players away from "gay programs." R. Kelly is gross 01.23.03 WOW. IS IT COLD OR WHAT? GEEZ. WOW. COLD! As my best-friend-from-home Peggy's mom used to say, "Christ on a cross, Peggy!" It's cold! Our stupid president is sending us to heck in a wastebasket - every day the news is Worse. It makes me want to go back...back...back to 1980, when Olivia Newton John starred as a Kira, a Muse sent from a polytheistic Heaven to inspire an Artist (Michael Beck, who totally sucks) to quit wasting his talents making album covers for the Man, and to follow his dream - which was to open a nightclub with Gene Kelly. A nightclub called Xanadu, in which the music, aesthetics, and youth of the 1940s and 1980s could party harmoniously. Here is a picture of Xanadu (the Pan Pacific Auditorium) on fire. Anyway, Xanadu is a wonder to behold, though it bombed and was panned far and near. The London Evening News called it "The most dreadful, tasteless, movie of the decade. Indeed, of all time." But who cares. This 8-year old thought Olivia was The Most Beautiful Woman of All Time, and the soundtrack was huge thanks to the stylings of the Electric Light Orchestra. I'm listening to it right now. And it's great! A lovely place to read more about Xanadu is The '80s Movie Gateway, and a site I can't say enough about is Only Olivia. On the subject of music as painkiller, our old friends at Last Plane to Jakarta have penned some very nice pieces on a variety of topics lately, including how Karen and Richard Carpenter ushered in multi-track pop recording. And here's one about how vegetarians can love barbecue sauce the same as everyone else, and by the way, Comets on Fire has released an album. And while we're on the subject of rock and roll as tasty junk food, my friends' band, The Johnson Brothers, keep using in their promotional materials a quote from the local weekly, in which the critic called their music "chicken wings for the soul." They seem not to realize that this isn't a compliment. But I don't care what the stupid Other Paper or London Evening News says: Xanadu rocks and the Johnson Brothers are beautiful. So beautiful, in fact, that if Peggy hadn't married that guy Curtis, I'd have been sorely tempted to switch teams and try to get him for myself. Not because he has such a good, good heart, which he does, nor for his virtuosity, which is inarguable, but because he's just that Hot. And I get to see Peggy and my boys play this weekend. Hooray! Here are a bunch of pics of the band taken by my dad, and here is their real site. To bring us back down to wretched Earth, Bob has sent The Unseen Gulf War, which is good but should only be clicked if you want to see some real collatoral damage. 01.22.03 Today we welcome Suzanne Marcus to Heck's Kitchen. Suzanne left DC for the New School in NY, and things haven't been the same around here ever since. She is one of our very favorite people! Read Suze's interview here! ***** 01.21.03 What a big day it's been already! A medical doctor has pronounced my rectum "normal" and I also learned I have a "very sensitive" cervix! I would tell you all about it, but I don't like to get too personal here. In case you hadn't noticed, most of our nation's people have been tricked, distracted, medicated and kneaded into a mass of doughy, infantile reactionaries. It really pisses me off, and I imagine you are annoyed, too. In addition to the news about my cervix, I also learned today that "Two out of three adults questioned said people 'who do not believe in religion' were unlike them...In contrast only one in three viewed Christian fundamentalists as being different." Here's how they teach sex-ed in Texas, thanks to our Doorknob-in-Chief: "You have been lied to, lied to by the media, lied to by celebrities," Ed Ainsworth told the 120 squirming eighth-graders at Smylie Wilson Junior High School. "Will this condom protect your heart?" he asked, flashing a glossy Trojan ad on a giant screen. "Will this condom protect your reputation? Go ahead and use a condom. You'll still be known as a slut." And here's a big shocker: the military needs to bomb our few remaining pristine places, so they can learn to kill people better. Totally off-topic, the Titans lost the other night, but Steve McNair is a warrior. In Rare Air, McNair Gave a Super Effort, by Steve Fainaru Washington Post 01.20.03 I've Been to the Mountaintop Seattle Times I Have A Dream Seattle Times Martin Luther King's Widow Urges Peace Austin American Statesman The business of finding and keeping heroes is treacherous. Even MLK is purported to have been a lecherous piggy with the ladies. But do like Clinton and compartmentalize, and behold the man's courageous life work. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., the great civil rights leader, rhetorician, orator, and king of the peaceful protest. 01.19.03 Happy 47th dad! Let's hear it for James S. Miller, a really great guy. Seven of us actually got up and went to the big protest yesterday - with about half a million (depending on who you believe) other cold people. It felt enormous. The temperatures were in the lower 20s. The chants were, on the whole, bad. The speaker we heard was Al Sharpton - blick. But the day was sunny, the route was interesting, and hopefully it will matter in some way. There were pretty decent signs: I believe the group favorite was, "Why Do You Gotta Be All Violent?" Last week featured lots of letters, book recommendations, activism and music links, pictures, football picks, and our interview with Katy Otto. And next week we'll finally have the much anticipated Suzanne Marcus interview! So stay tuned, and happy Martin Luther King weekend. JM 01.17.03 Confessions of an Infallible Football Critic: Or why I'm convinced that I control the future by Sarah A. L. (a.k.a. Tittie McNipple) Football is like some class I signed up for back in September because I needed one more elective to graduate and it was the only thing that fit in my schedule. I stuck around because the professor was hot and class met in a bar. But along the way, something happened. I began to understand that football is about more than touchups, defensive running backs, and goal field things - it's about people. People whose lives play out just like movies. I first tested my theory during the Fiesta bowl. Ohio State's possession of a precocious freshman who had recently suffered a personal tragedy ensured the Buckeye's win in overtime against a seemingly invincible team. Upon hearing my successful prediction, HK's proprietor asked me to use my film knowledge to predict (or "cinurmise") the outcome of the playoff games. You'll see that three out of four cinurmations in last week's column were correct. What you can't see is that I changed my Steelers vs. Titans cinurmation after learning that Steelers coach Bill Cowher broke Titans coach Jeff Fisher's leg back in 1984 - ending his playing career (this information was not available at the time of publication). Fisher's retaliation is clearly a more compelling plot line than that XFL garbage! So, here I am, a week later, asked to cinurmise the future once again. Problem is, all my teams won last week. I've grown attached to them and their individual struggles. How can I turn my back on Johnnyson and Mr. Tokoyoko? Now McNabb's big heart has a special place in mine. There's no way I can desert the Hoboken of the West Coast. And Eddie George is HOT! What's a gal with supernatural prediction powers to do? I think it's best to keep my mouth shut. For those of you who were planning on putting money on my picks I'll say this . . . you can expect an Eagles performance worthy of Veterans Stadium. On the other hand, an All-Pirates Superbowl XXXVII would be kinda kick ass. And wouldn’t that make a fun theme party? Eye-patches are seXXXVIIy! 01.16.03 Announcing: Katy Otto, The Heck's Kitchen Interview. I met Katy in the now defunct Feminist Book Club (which devolved into the Feminist Booze Club before expiring), and I happened to catch her very rockin' band Del Cielo at that Mirah house concert a few weeks ago. Ms. Otto was kind enough to take time to meet us in Heck's Kitchen. See Katy's interview here. 01.15.03 Today's incohesion is wrought to you by the letter F, for, I'm going to get FIRED if I don't start doing some work. Happily, you smart and good-looking people are taking up the slack. MoveOn.org is a pretty nifty and effective war protest site, and they're sending around this petition to sign, among other things. From Kim K. of Philadelphia: "Auntie Mame: An Irreverent Escapade by Patrick Dennis. Though it in no way matches all yous edumicated ruminations, it makes one laugh out loud until you remember that you don't have a rich and flamboyant aunt that worked at the roller skates counter at Macys during the Depression. (This may be why you are riding a Greyhound.) Then this makes you sad. Bonus: There's a sequel too, Around the World With Auntie Mame!!!" Thanks Kim! We'll have to get the permanamamanent books and stuff recommendations page up soon. From Suzanne, of New York: "Planned Parenthood is doing this virtual rally. Maybe you could put the link on your site? It's funny. http://www.rallyforchoice.com/index.asp. Also, I agree with whoever suggested that HK offer book and film recommendations. Might I suggest you also include hair and skin product recommendations as well." Thanks SM, we'll look into that. From S, of DC: An exciting new trend in anti-choice feminism! http://www.womendeservebetter.com From Dunlap Jr, of Tacky Park: "Hey J, Are you friends with these guys from back home? (please say yes, please say yes) And can we hang with em? http://www.rcmediaonline.com/Outlaw/Roster_amdog.htm. I hope you are happy now. Your tipsy tirade has got Wendy all riled up about the saving the "world" now. It may involve me getting up at 6am on a weekend. Thanks. d" From Bev S. of DC: Did you know there is a collective of lady DJs here in Our Nation's Capitol? Now you do. It's The First Ladies DJ Collective. Finally, my all-time favoritest most wonderful professor ever ever, the Great Dr. Jeanne Fahnestock, has published another book: Rhetorical Figures in Science. It's a book about rhetoric. And science. You might not guess by my lazy wordcabulary and ass-halfed arguments that I myself was a Rhetoric Major. Well, how about that. Here's a snippet of what someone thought of her book: "Rhetorical Figures in Science is a book with many virtues: a compelling case for figures as arguments; a superb history of figuration, which brings it into revealing alignment with topoi and enthymemes; a series of excellent to stunning critical readings; and one of the most astute and lucid readings of Aristotle's corpus in years." Only $76! Got stuff you want to push in This Space for Rent? Want to help Jenny not get FIRED? Send good things this way. love j 01.14.03 From: David Basil Eubanks eubankd@wam.umd.edu Subject: the list goes on Date: Mon, 13 Jan 2003 19:24:27 -0500 (EST) dear jennymiller of heck's kitchen... dave eubanks, here. long-time listener, first-time caller. first, i think your site is the dreamiest, and am glad that my cc'd pal brian told me to go to heck. speaking of brian... in the spirit of his impressive efforts to pass along a few more new journalism types--isn't he just the smartest?--and in the spirit of your efforts to illuminate connections between said creative historians a la defoe and capote, i've got an unsolicited observation for the growing "hey-you-should-totally-read-this" discussion. didion has actually written about mailer. she reviewed the executioner's song, his biography of gary gilmore, who was in 1977 the first american executed in a good long while. the review is... uh... cool, because it's kind of like truman capote patting daniel defoe's back. or have i got it backwards? only trouble is, reading a joan didion review of a norman mailer novel would only occupy a few brief moments of travel on the dog. for that, i'd say dave eggers for southbound and westbound rides and david sedaris when easterly or northerly. of course, neither is a new journalist, so this email has clearly lost its focus. the didion review is at http://www.nytimes.com/books/97/05/04/reviews/mailer-song.html. sorry, no suggestions for best album of 2002, but if we keep our fingers crossed maybe a few more will appear. buddyhead hurt my feelings. yep. that about does it. admiringly, dave 01.13.03 * My Aunt the Joker's Latest Email Forward * Lots of marching and chanting and waving of signs happening this weekend. See what's happening where you are at United for Peace Tricia, formerly our consumer consultant, suggests we start a books and music recommendation page. Sound good? She also agrees with Brian E. about the Joan Didion book he mentioned the other day. And, she says this: "Another good and capitivating "trapped-on-a-Greyhound" book that I just finished was Empire Falls, by Richard Russo. It takes place in this run-down, blue-collar town in Maine, and deals with issues you would expect in that sort of setting---frustrated ambitions, lack of ambition, tangled and protracted family roots and secrets, etc.. It's character and plot-dense, moving between the present and the past, and is a pleasurable read (but don't read it if you are in the mood for something mentally challenging). If you are looking for something darker, more beautifully written, and thought-provoking, I think the last good read like that was A Bend in the River by VS Naipaul." 01.11.03 People like pictures. That's why movies get so much more attention than they deserve. Or at least that's what I like to tell filmophiles Bob and Brian, when I'm feeling mean. Here is a picture of us last night, just before I started a fight by proposing, essentially, that movies are dumber than books. Hee hee. Anyway, people love pictures so today is a picture day. From The Smoking Gun: At right is a photo of Joe Millionaire, a.k.a. Evan Marriot, back when he was an underwear model. Joe Millionaire is a truly reprehensible show, but I have to admit I sort of dug The Bachelorette (though I had to watch it through the "scary movie hand filter"). Will American embrace the humiliation and degradation of men in the same way they love to see hot chicks cry and grovel? Uh, here's a vote for No. The Top Albums of 2002 debate continues! This time Brian has helpfully sent over the picks of Seattle's KEXP, which happens to be one of the very, very few good radio stations. This is my sister Mandy and down there is my brother Sean. Aren't they cute? Fred has sent us Blertco, a happy little site mostly about Art Cars. But Blertco also seems to like kittens and funny signs, like this one. Daily Alcohol Cuts Risk of Heart Attack, Study Finds Last week or so I was really excited about Capote's In Cold Blood, and I wrote up a little bit about its place in the creative-non-fiction-new journalism genre, and comparing it to Defoe's Journal of the Plague Year. I certainly didn't think I was the first person to put these works in the same paragraph or anything, but it still made me feel really unoriginal when I opened up my Microsoft Encarta Encyclopedia and found this: "Other novelists move in the opposite direction and place true-life people in their works, attempting to portray the people in great detail. For his In Cold Blood (1966), Truman Capote researched the lives of two murderers and wrote their story as a chilling study of personality and motive. Capote’s book traces its ancestry to A Journal of the Plague Year (1722) by English novelist Daniel Defoe, a novel based on real accounts that involves both actual and imagined victims of a real-life plague that occurred in 1665 in London, England." Is that uncanny or what? Which reminds me, Brian wanted to add to the recommendation list Joan Didion, Slouching Toward Bethlehem and Norman Mailer, Armies of the Night. That's all for today. Happy weekend. 01.10.03 Hey, look what Deb can do. Heck's mailbag never exactly spills over, but yesterday was a biggish day, as 63 actual people other than myself stopped by to get Tittie McNipple's football picks. Today I was going to write about Thomas de Zengotita's essay in Harpers, COMMON GROUND: Finding our way back to the Enlightenment, but that sounds like something to do while I watch FOOTBALL FOOTBALL FOOTBALL! So, a sampling of yesterday's correspondence: From: "David Dunlap Jr." ddunlap@washcp.com Subject: piggypicks Date: Thu, 09 Jan 2003 13:26:50 -0500 J, Tell that Cat Fancy-subscribin' Canuck that she don't know Dick (Butkus, that is) about football prognostication. Look at Canadian Football. A field that is 110 yards is just willfully fatuous. What's up with the "Evil Titans"? That hit on Maddox was cleaner than my sunday go-to-meetin' "drawrs." the fact that he was out for over a month just shows that Tommy is little more than a quasi-sentient tea cozy. I mean, I love the whole XFL angle. In fact, I am probably the ONLY XFL season ticket holder that you will ever know. But we all love to hate the South, don't we. So I see where it's all coming from. But "Evil?" D P.S. Aren't you glad I didn't play the QB race card? From: Brian Geller bgeller7@yahoo.com Date: Wed, 8 Jan 2003 19:39:24 -0800 (PST) What's up? This is Brian. How about putting me on your mailing list? -brian P.S. May I humbly make the smallest criticism of your wonderful site? I think your e-mail address is wrong (to wit, missing an "S" in katspank) in the recent post about Deb getting a fan letter. P.P.S. If it's not wrong, and your e-mail is indeed katpank, I apologize, because, well, it's a long story but essentially I sent by accident several e-mails to the katpank address. I hope they never reached you. From: "Wascalus, Jacob" WascaluJ@executiveboard.com Subject: am i famous? Date: Thu, 9 Jan 2003 15:03:57 -0500 i feel so honored! jaime's and my friend troy is making some :( WDC :( t-shirts if you want one. we can wear them proudly jacob From: (identity concealed for protection) Subject: boys are soooooo cool. Date: Thu, 09 Jan 2003 15:15:03 -0500 Hey Buddyhead, just wanted to say that I'm really envious of your ability to use FUCK in a record review. That's fucking brilliant, you stupid ass pieces of shit. At least you learned how to use a simile before you started wasting all your time obsessing over television, your younger siblings lives, people who shop at the mall, and girls who will never sleep with you. You make people who are down with the syndrome look like fucking Einstein. Why don't you move out of your parents house and get a fucking life? (Editor's note: This HK friend hated Buddyhead.com so much, she got confused and sent hatemail to me. I don't even like Buddyhead!) From: "Brian Eskridge" brian_eskridge@hotmail.com Subject: washington dc :( Date : Fri, 10 Jan 2003 07:16:44 -0800 jenny-- perhaps jaime and jacob would be *even more* impressed if you used the word "simplicity" rather than the non-word (or word-usement as i like to call them) "simpleness." yeah, i bet that would win you some love. editorially yours, brian do you still love me? :) (Editor's note: Last night I was driving to a bar and suddenly it hit me: "SIMPLICITY!" Boy, was I pissed. And then Brian sends me this. I don't know if I should still love him. But thanks for writing, all y'all.) 01.09.03 Hey gang - as promised, here are your can't-miss picks for this weekend. Our expert's bio: "Although Tittie McNipple has never actually watched a football game, she has seen thousands of sports movies and has access to the the internet. This expert on popular cultural hosts "The Boob Tube," one of the most popular cable access programs in Canadian history. She and her orange tabby, Mr. Nips, live on the outskirts of Winnipeg." Eagles vs. Falcons Feely learns that McNabb will start - his irritation is obvious. Coach places a comforting hand on Feely's shoulder, "You done good, but this is McNabb's game." Feely remains bitter throughout the first half and makes snide remarks during Coach's half-time pep talk. He still hasn't learned the real meaning of teamwork. McNabb starts the second half strong, but he's sacked hard in the third quarter. The ankle injury flares. As McNabb is carried off the field in a stretcher, he grabs Feely's hand. Referring to a humorous incident that happened at training camp, he winks and says, "It's your turn to shine, Apple Jack!" Something clicks. Feely realizes it's time to stop wasting his energy hating McNabb, and take down their common enemy - Michael Vick. With this rivalry resolved, the Eagles will be unstoppable. Verdict: Eagles win! Bucs vs. 49ers Brad Johnson's story begins in Washington DC. He's not the most talented athlete, but he loves the game, and he works hard to prove himself. The Redskins coach is oblivious, focusing his attention on cocky newcomers hungry for fame. Johnson suffers a devastating blow when he is dropped after his second season. Feeling betrayed, he decides to leave the game behind. But a chance encounter with his elderly Asian neighbor convinces him to reconsider his actions. Mr. Tokoyoko offers words of encouragement. "Johnnyson, follow your heart. Arm for throwing will follow." Johnson shines on the Bucs, a team that believes in him. Things seem perfect until Johnson hurts his back. Mr. Tokoyoka appears and, using mystical Asian secrets, heals the young Johnnyson. The quarterback returns to the field ready to prove everyone wrong -- especially those jerks in Washington who haven't had a good season since his untimely departure. Verdict: Bucs win! Titans vs. Steelers Tommy Maddox thought his career in football was over. After being released from both the Giants and Falcons training camps in the mid-nineties, he gave up the dream. Settling down in his hometown, Maddox falls in love and starts his own business. Life is good, until Vince McMahon approaches him with an offer to join the XFL. Maddox decides to take a chance on this rag-tag group of uncouth athletes. Turns out every single one of these quirky fellows has a heart of pure gold bullion! Although the XFL folds, Maddox emerges with the qualities of a true leader. When Maddox signs with the Steelers, it seems as though his dreams have finally come to fruition. But tragedy strikes when Maddox is left temporarily paralyzed in a game with the evil Titans. Now he must fight to get another chance at the Titans. In an amazing upset, the Steelers trounce the Browns, and Maddox gets his shot! Look for some comic relief in the stands, as Maddox's wacky pals from the XFL will all be there to cheer him on! Verdict: Steelers win! Raiders vs. Jets This story is about more than a football game - it's about a town. Oakland, the Hoboken of the West Coast, will forever be in San Francisco's shadow. It looks across the bay towards unattainable wealth and beauty, the Great Gatsby of cities. Like Oakland, Rich Gannon knows what it's like to be second best. For years he bounced from one team to another, but never started. That is, until Jon Gruden saw something more than a career back-up. He saw a kindred spirit. He saw a man who was right for Oakland. With the town's undying support, Gannon is ready to show the world that second best is really first best, or whatever. You can bet the underdog is going to prove the world wrong! (Seriously, go bet your whole salary on this one.) Verdict: Raiders win! 01.08.03 Goodbye Civil Liberties: I got two $100 speeding tickets in the mail, for going 41 in a 25. How that major multi-lane thoroughfare is 25, I don't know. Apparently the gentry over in Palisades have radars and cameras on us. I give you the finger, Palisades. And while we're at it, Fairfax, VA, too: Bar Raids Irritate Owners, Drinkers. You need to read this Big Brother crap. Sent by SAL. Jesus: Ok, our dear friend Bob has sent us Jesus of the Week. Pictured is "Huggy Jesus," a soft savior invented by a homeless man. A nice story. Plenty more Jesuses where that came from, too. Buffy: Tuesday, January 21, 8PM ET/PT POTENTIAL - "Buffy enlists Spike's aid in graphic, intensive training of the Potential Slayers in anticipation of the expected cataclysmic return of The First. Meanwhile, Willow performs a spell that reveals that another unexpected Potential Slayer is living in Sunnydale." Pictured: Lesbian Witch Couple. Artsy: Every week or so I get a newsletter called "Insider's Arts Guide, Washington's hottest source of free, cheap, and off-the-beaten-path arts & cultural events." Unfortunately they don't seem to have a website, so I marked up the document for your convenience. If you like it, subscribe, because that was too labor intensive. Playoff Football: Get ready to make some money, my gambling friends! Tomorrow HK reveals our own can't-miss Swami. You'll be amazed! 01.07.03 Dutch Lesbians Get in on the Act: A second clone baby has two mommies. "The head of the Raelians, Bart Overvliet, said 'It's a lesbian couple, but she is not a member of the religion, she got in contact with Clonaid by herself.'" Well, that makes me a very proud lesbian. I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that the Normals and the Queers Start Adopting the Babies we Already Have. Don't get me started. Announcing the birthday of Philadelphian Kim Kindelsperger! D.C. misses you Ms. Kim. 01.06.03#3 A new DC art collective has happened. Sent by Susan Frikken. Click the comic to your left so you can read it. Borrowed from Salon.com, by Tim Tomorrow. Deb of DebCentral received fan mail yesterday. It made her feel good that someone out there was reaping the benefits of her toil. Wouldn't you like the benevolent facilitator of Heck's Kitchen to also feel loved? Write her at katspank@hotmail.com. 01.06.03#2 By the way, can you believe the football we've been having? Wow. The Cleveland game was a heartbreaker, but at least Ohioans have the Buckeyes, who beat the way-more-talented Hurricanes for their first national championship since before I was born. I myself am not an Ohio State alum, but I am an Ohio State dropout, and I used to live in The Horseshoe. Thus, I am importantly connected to their triumph. 01.06.03 Beautiful snowy day here in D.C. Attention New Yorkers, and visitors to New York: Bob thinks you should go see the Bindlestiff Family Cirkus, "A Vaudevillainous Variety of Cirkus, Sideshow, and the Burlesque" which performs in Times Square. Apparently they are in danger of extinction unless they get some more paying customers asap. So, we could certainly discuss the latest invasion talk (my very own housemate Paula is being sent to Saudi Arabia), or the latest Palestinian suicide bombing, or the latest Israeli promise of retribution, but, nah. I saw two movies last week, neither of them good, but both carried by worthy female leads - Sweet Home Alabama, with Reese Witherspoon, and Maid in Manhattan, starring Ms. Jennifer Lopez. Throw in Two Weeks Notice, with Sandra Bullock (and Hughey Grant) and those are three movies led by women who can act (in my opinion) and which are making lots of money. It just seems to me that there was a time when people said only Julia Roberts could open a movie big. Anyway, I can't recommend Sweet Home Alabama or Maid in Manhattan, but I hear Two Weeks Notice is good. And I'm sure Frida, starring Salma Hayek, is certainly more filmically meritorious than all the aforementioned. As you can see, I don't write about movies for a reason - I am bad at it - but I like the trend of women-led blockbusters. This week: Suzanne Marcus - The HK Interview. Also, a movie review by a competent critic, and of course, MORE. 01.03.02 Greyhound. The paragon of customer disservice and uncleanliness. If I hadn't had Truman Capote's 1966 classic In Cold Blood with me I don't know how I'd have made it. The book's of the can't-put-it-down variety, and it (very) arguably ushered in the whole genre then known as New Journalism, which gave us Tom Wolfe (among many others), who gave us The Right Stuff and The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test, which are also great reads and early examples of the type. Another earlyish (1966) so-called creative non-fiction piece (accolades to the creator of that genre probably have to go to Daniel Defoe for Journal of the Plague Year, another great, great book written in 1722. It can be read in its entirely all over the web, but who wants to do that?) is Gay Talese's Frank Sinatra Has a Cold, (also really good! and I don't even like Sinatra) which is reproduced here and there, and is short enough to handle on-screen. This list could go on and on, especially as we near the more recent decades, so let's stop. But if you have recommendations for other Hkers, send 'em in. And pick up In Cold Blood when you can - it's cheap, fast and good, like me. 01.02.03 Happy back to the grind, worker bees, and welcome to a new year. Mrs. Sally Gilbert, my stepdad's mom, died at 12:15 AM on December 29. She'd been going for quite a long time, so it was a relief all around. My stepdad was holding her hand when she died. I've never seen someone look so dead. I think Sally'd had a pretty nice life. She had four sons. She seemed to really love her (still living) husband Don. She wrote poetry and designed clothes and I know they travelled a bit. She was quite a fashion plate. She was tall and interesting-looking and the few times I hung out with her she'd get drunk and tell me, with much gravity, that my mom is a very wonderful person. I guess you could say she drank herself to death. I think she drank Scotch. Alcohol dimentia and other alcoholism-related problems, like, repeatedly falling and breaking bones, were the main culprits in her long decline. My mom and Mike had been caring for Mr. and Mrs. Gilbert at home for several years, changing diapers and stomach feeding tubes, administering drugs anally, and cleaning gangrene wounds that went clear to the bone. Think about it, my fellow recreational drinkers. 12.28.02 Argh. While I anxiously await the conclusion to an epic and irritating conversation going on between my dad and stepdad, I thought, I will give the world my opinion about the crazy alien cult who claims to have cloned a humanoid. Of course, the cloning press conference was held in Hollywood, Florida, location of the marriage of the oft-mentioned and heralded Deb and Brian. So, aside from cockroaches and mosquitos, what could possibly need less encouragement to populate than homo sapiens sapiens? Oh dear, my little brother and his wacky little friend are watching that part in Scary Movie where the ghost has his way with Tori Spelling. How distracting. Anyway. Oh, whatever. Why bother. We're doomed! In other cheery news, my stepdad's mom is not expected to make it through the night. I feel bad for him. And my mom. And my dad's mom just left. She drove up for a quick visit from Ft. Meyers. She's got a big gambling problem, see, and oh, never mind, this is too confusing. Not a very coherent entry. Anyway, my stepdad's out there in the living room drinking Port and smoking a cigar with my dad, mom, sister and sister's boyfriend. I just phoned from the back of the house and learned they're now watching some movie starring Tom Cruise that appears to be military- or courtroom-based. In other words, I'd rather be back here in the rec room doing this and half-watching Scary Movie 2 with two 14-year old boys. In conclusion: On the 13th of December 1973, French journalist Rael was contacted by a visitor from an other planet, and asked to establish an Embassy to welcome these people back to Earth. The extra-terrestrial was about four feet in height, had long dark hair, almond shaped eyes, olive skin and exuded harmony and humour. He told Rael that "we were the ones who made all life on earth, you mistook us for gods, we were at the origin of your main religions. Now that you are mature enough to understand this, we would like to enter official contact through an embassy." 12.27.02 Celebrated celebrity photographer Herb Ritts is dead at 50, from (AIDS) "complications of pneumonia." RIP, Herb. Last night my sister, her boyfriend, and our dad hung out in Ybor with the great modern couple Deb Schwartz and Brian Geller. Schwartz was very entertaining, as usual. Geller has finally updated his bloggy site and named it Yiddish-style, "Loshon Hora," which means something like, "vicious gossip." Over at Hippoate, M. Bennett has surrendered his indie-rock cred with a fairly gushing review of Justin Timberlake's new single. My big news of the day is, I survived my first yoga class! My dad and I both survived, actually. It was 90 minutes of hell, in a super-heated room. It was also my first workout in at least a year. Recommended. Back to family time. 12.25.02 tampa, fl - merry christmas anyone still reading after the longish hiatus. it's 9am and everyone here is still in bed except for mom, still wrapping presents, and stepdad, still decorating. it's all very cute save the constant jesus music, but what can you do? it's their day. 24 hours on the bus was another great reminder to avoid being Poor, if possible...i'm actually considering returning via my sibs' church bus - a busload of christian teenagers going on a ski trip sounds more appealing than the dirty dog. my stepdad's mom may die this week - she's got gangrene and "has gone septic." ugh. let's see..my little brother is taller than me now, and my littlest sister beat me at scrabble last night. yesterday we 4 went to the mall to finish up shopping...and deb schwartz called me while jess and i were in hallmark, trying to choose the least ugly existing snowman figurine for mom. deb and brian are in tampa, too, so we should have a fun get-togethering. and jess' and my dad is coming down tomorrow, also on the bus. in a few minutes stepdad (let's call him Mike) will make bloody marys for me and him and chocolate coffee for the kids and ex-drinkers and we'll get busy opening this mountain of stuff. yay. sorry for the slow and bloggy updates. thanks always for checking in. love, jm from shauna and slate, the saddameter, and while i was over there i also read the atheist christmas challenge. and the reciplex brings you the best fruit cake recipe ever. (hic!) 12.20.02 Hear Ye Hear Ye! Heck's Kitchen's Official Presidential Endorsement is.... Vermont Governor Howard Dean! This is Our Guy! Our Guy calls himself a "common-sense moderate" which is what I call myself when I'm not calling myself a Kitten Separatist or a Boozy Commie or a Revolting Consumerist or an Amazonian Libertine. He says things like, "The notion of 'partial birth abortion' is nonsense. This is a rare procedure used only to save the life or health of the mother. We have had no third trimester abortions in Vermont in the past four years." Which is correct, and he's a doctor, so there you fuckheads in Congress who are about to outlaw it! He's an environmentalist, fiscally frugal, likes the gays, wants universal healthcare, and he won't take your guns away, either. Oh yes, and it seems the ladies think he's Fine, and let's not forget how Clinton got to office. Are we all ready to climb aboard the Dean wagon? Dean groupies Emilie and SAL have already committed to working his campaign, if you know what I mean. From Andy Earles (of Failed Pilot fame) via Dave D. Jr. (who recently won the Lampshade Award at the CP's holiday party) comes this sampling of caricatures of dreamy '80s popsters. Tomorrow: HK chieftan JM shares a Very Special New Year's Tale. It's tentatively titled, "Alone in the Universe, banging two pots together." Be sure to join us. 12.19.02 I had the pleasure of meeting Michelle Billings last week, when she and Kathy LeMay, former DC-superstar, blew through town on a business trip. One thing led to another, and before long I'd cornered Billings in a smoky cave of a party and made her listen to how I am related to Chef Boyardee (that's Hector Boiardi to those in the know). Billings, who is an artist, made a strong case for purchasing a Billings. I don't recall it exactly, but it went something like this: Her major mode of transport, a 3-speed bicycle, is in need of repair. In Italy she learned to paint a hell of a torso. A Billings will be worth a lot of dough someday. With her proceeds she will run George W. out of office. Plus a girl needs food, and tampons. And finally, (I have this verbatim) "it's all true what they say about Italians - we are the best dressed - the best lovers, and we will get Tony to pay you a visit if you disagree." All in attendance agreed that Billings was quite dashing, and probably has thugs at her beck and call. Now, go over to Michelle's site and think strongly about buying some protection, I mean, some paintings, today! ALSO: Need another gift idea? Tricia has sent us Saints of Virtue, the Christian video game. This is something I hope my little brother doesn't receive. 12.18.02 It's a cold day in Heck. Please accept this sampling of ort in lieu of a full meal. Last night I went to the Corcoran Biennial with Sarah, Dave and Emilie. Dave and I liked Marcel Dzama (below) a whole lot. Go here and here to see more of his work. See also Gay People vs. Religious Fundamentalists: Weighing the benefits of membership to each society. (This site's tagline, however, is "Better Than You, Daily," to which I am gaily and fundamentally opposed.) Taken from Shaliniland. And definitely go see The Onion: What Do You Think? Iraq and the Nuclear Option. And if you missed yesterday, scroll down. And don't forget to return tomorrow for an HK Special Promotion of a New Artist Friend. And have a nice day, if possible. 01.06.03#3 A new DC art collective has happened. Sent by Susan Frikken. Click the comic to your left so you can read it. Borrowed from Salon.com, by Tim Tomorrow. Deb of DebCentral received fan mail yesterday. It made her feel good that someone out there was reaping the benefits of her toil. Wouldn't you like the benevolent facilitator of Heck's Kitchen to also feel loved? Write her at katspank@hotmail.com. 01.06.03#2 By the way, can you believe the football we've been having? Wow. The Cleveland game was a heartbreaker, but at least Ohioans have the Buckeyes, who beat the way-more-talented Hurricanes for their first national championship since before I was born. I myself am not an Ohio State alum, but I am an Ohio State dropout, and I used to live in The Horseshoe. Thus, I am importantly connected to their triumph. 01.06.03 Beautiful snowy day here in D.C. Attention New Yorkers, and visitors to New York: Bob thinks you should go see the Bindlestiff Family Cirkus, "A Vaudevillainous Variety of Cirkus, Sideshow, and the Burlesque" which performs in Times Square. Apparently they are in danger of extinction unless they get some more paying customers asap. So, we could certainly discuss the latest invasion talk (my very own housemate Paula is being sent to Saudi Arabia), or the latest Palestinian suicide bombing, or the latest Israeli promise of retribution, but, nah. I saw two movies last week, neither of them good, but both carried by worthy female leads - Sweet Home Alabama, with Reese Witherspoon, and Maid in Manhattan, starring Ms. Jennifer Lopez. Throw in Two Weeks Notice, with Sandra Bullock (and Hughey Grant) and those are three movies led by women who can act (in my opinion) and which are making lots of money. It just seems to me that there was a time when people said only Julia Roberts could open a movie big. Anyway, I can't recommend Sweet Home Alabama or Maid in Manhattan, but I hear Two Weeks Notice is good. And I'm sure Frida, starring Salma Hayek, is certainly more filmically meritorious than all the aforementioned. As you can see, I don't write about movies for a reason - I am bad at it - but I like the trend of women-led blockbusters. This week: Suzanne Marcus - The HK Interview. Also, a movie review by a competent critic, and of course, MORE. 01.03.02 Greyhound. The paragon of customer disservice and uncleanliness. If I hadn't had Truman Capote's 1966 classic In Cold Blood with me I don't know how I'd have made it. The book's of the can't-put-it-down variety, and it (very) arguably ushered in the whole genre then known as New Journalism, which gave us Tom Wolfe (among many others), who gave us The Right Stuff and The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test, which are also great reads and early examples of the type. Another earlyish (1966) so-called creative non-fiction piece (accolades to the creator of that genre probably have to go to Daniel Defoe for Journal of the Plague Year, another great, great book written in 1722. It can be read in its entirely all over the web, but who wants to do that?) is Gay Talese's Frank Sinatra Has a Cold, (also really good! and I don't even like Sinatra) which is reproduced here and there, and is short enough to handle on-screen. This list could go on and on, especially as we near the more recent decades, so let's stop. But if you have recommendations for other Hkers, send 'em in. And pick up In Cold Blood when you can - it's cheap, fast and good, like me. 01.02.03 Happy back to the grind, worker bees, and welcome to a new year. Mrs. Sally Gilbert, my stepdad's mom, died at 12:15 AM on December 29. She'd been going for quite a long time, so it was a relief all around. My stepdad was holding her hand when she died. I've never seen someone look so dead. I think Sally'd had a pretty nice life. She had four sons. She seemed to really love her (still living) husband Don. She wrote poetry and designed clothes and I know they travelled a bit. She was quite a fashion plate. She was tall and interesting-looking and the few times I hung out with her she'd get drunk and tell me, with much gravity, that my mom is a very wonderful person. I guess you could say she drank herself to death. I think she drank Scotch. Alcohol dimentia and other alcoholism-related problems, like, repeatedly falling and breaking bones, were the main culprits in her long decline. My mom and Mike had been caring for Mr. and Mrs. Gilbert at home for several years, changing diapers and stomach feeding tubes, administering drugs anally, and cleaning gangrene wounds that went clear to the bone. Think about it, my fellow recreational drinkers. 12.28.02 Argh. While I anxiously await the conclusion to an epic and irritating conversation going on between my dad and stepdad, I thought, I will give the world my opinion about the crazy alien cult who claims to have cloned a humanoid. Of course, the cloning press conference was held in Hollywood, Florida, location of the marriage of the oft-mentioned and heralded Deb and Brian. So, aside from cockroaches and mosquitos, what could possibly need less encouragement to populate than homo sapiens sapiens? Oh dear, my little brother and his wacky little friend are watching that part in Scary Movie where the ghost has his way with Tori Spelling. How distracting. Anyway. Oh, whatever. Why bother. We're doomed! In other cheery news, my stepdad's mom is not expected to make it through the night. I feel bad for him. And my mom. And my dad's mom just left. She drove up for a quick visit from Ft. Meyers. She's got a big gambling problem, see, and oh, never mind, this is too confusing. Not a very coherent entry. Anyway, my stepdad's out there in the living room drinking Port and smoking a cigar with my dad, mom, sister and sister's boyfriend. I just phoned from the back of the house and learned they're now watching some movie starring Tom Cruise that appears to be military- or courtroom-based. In other words, I'd rather be back here in the rec room doing this and half-watching Scary Movie 2 with two 14-year old boys. In conclusion: On the 13th of December 1973, French journalist Rael was contacted by a visitor from an other planet, and asked to establish an Embassy to welcome these people back to Earth. The extra-terrestrial was about four feet in height, had long dark hair, almond shaped eyes, olive skin and exuded harmony and humour. He told Rael that "we were the ones who made all life on earth, you mistook us for gods, we were at the origin of your main religions. Now that you are mature enough to understand this, we would like to enter official contact through an embassy." 12.27.02 Celebrated celebrity photographer Herb Ritts is dead at 50, from (AIDS) "complications of pneumonia." RIP, Herb. Last night my sister, her boyfriend, and our dad hung out in Ybor with the great modern couple Deb Schwartz and Brian Geller. Schwartz was very entertaining, as usual. Geller has finally updated his bloggy site and named it Yiddish-style, "Loshon Hora," which means something like, "vicious gossip." Over at Hippoate, M. Bennett has surrendered his indie-rock cred with a fairly gushing review of Justin Timberlake's new single. My big news of the day is, I survived my first yoga class! My dad and I both survived, actually. It was 90 minutes of hell, in a super-heated room. It was also my first workout in at least a year. Recommended. Back to family time. 12.25.02 tampa, fl - merry christmas anyone still reading after the longish hiatus. it's 9am and everyone here is still in bed except for mom, still wrapping presents, and stepdad, still decorating. it's all very cute save the constant jesus music, but what can you do? it's their day. 24 hours on the bus was another great reminder to avoid being Poor, if possible...i'm actually considering returning via my sibs' church bus - a busload of christian teenagers going on a ski trip sounds more appealing than the dirty dog. my stepdad's mom may die this week - she's got gangrene and "has gone septic." ugh. let's see..my little brother is taller than me now, and my littlest sister beat me at scrabble last night. yesterday we 4 went to the mall to finish up shopping...and deb schwartz called me while jess and i were in hallmark, trying to choose the least ugly existing snowman figurine for mom. deb and brian are in tampa, too, so we should have a fun get-togethering. and jess' and my dad is coming down tomorrow, also on the bus. in a few minutes stepdad (let's call him Mike) will make bloody marys for me and him and chocolate coffee for the kids and ex-drinkers and we'll get busy opening this mountain of stuff. yay. sorry for the slow and bloggy updates. thanks always for checking in. love, jm from shauna and slate, the saddameter, and while i was over there i also read the atheist christmas challenge. and the reciplex brings you the best fruit cake recipe ever. (hic!) 12.20.02 Hear Ye Hear Ye! Heck's Kitchen's Official Presidential Endorsement is.... Vermont Governor Howard Dean! This is Our Guy! Our Guy calls himself a "common-sense moderate" which is what I call myself when I'm not calling myself a Kitten Separatist or a Boozy Commie or a Revolting Consumerist or an Amazonian Libertine. He says things like, "The notion of 'partial birth abortion' is nonsense. This is a rare procedure used only to save the life or health of the mother. We have had no third trimester abortions in Vermont in the past four years." Which is correct, and he's a doctor, so there you fuckheads in Congress who are about to outlaw it! He's an environmentalist, fiscally frugal, likes the gays, wants universal healthcare, and he won't take your guns away, either. Oh yes, and it seems the ladies think he's Fine, and let's not forget how Clinton got to office. Are we all ready to climb aboard the Dean wagon? Dean groupies Emilie and SAL have already committed to working his campaign, if you know what I mean. From Andy Earles (of Failed Pilot fame) via Dave D. Jr. (who recently won the Lampshade Award at the CP's holiday party) comes this sampling of caricatures of dreamy '80s popsters. Tomorrow: HK chieftan JM shares a Very Special New Year's Tale. It's tentatively titled, "Alone in the Universe, banging two pots together." Be sure to join us. 12.19.02 I had the pleasure of meeting Michelle Billings last week, when she and Kathy LeMay, former DC-superstar, blew through town on a business trip. One thing led to another, and before long I'd cornered Billings in a smoky cave of a party and made her listen to how I am related to Chef Boyardee (that's Hector Boiardi to those in the know). Billings, who is an artist, made a strong case for purchasing a Billings. I don't recall it exactly, but it went something like this: Her major mode of transport, a 3-speed bicycle, is in need of repair. In Italy she learned to paint a hell of a torso. A Billings will be worth a lot of dough someday. With her proceeds she will run George W. out of office. Plus a girl needs food, and tampons. And finally, (I have this verbatim) "it's all true what they say about Italians - we are the best dressed - the best lovers, and we will get Tony to pay you a visit if you disagree." All in attendance agreed that Billings was quite dashing, and probably has thugs at her beck and call. Now, go over to Michelle's site and think strongly about buying some protection, I mean, some paintings, today! ALSO: Need another gift idea? Tricia has sent us Saints of Virtue, the Christian video game. This is something I hope my little brother doesn't receive. 12.18.02 It's a cold day in Heck. Please accept this sampling of ort in lieu of a full meal. Last night I went to the Corcoran Biennial with Sarah, Dave and Emilie. Dave and I liked Marcel Dzama (below) a whole lot. Go here and here to see more of his work. See also Gay People vs. Religious Fundamentalists: Weighing the benefits of membership to each society. (This site's tagline, however, is "Better Than You, Daily," to which I am gaily and fundamentally opposed.) Taken from Shaliniland. And definitely go see The Onion: What Do You Think? Iraq and the Nuclear Option. And if you missed yesterday, scroll down. And don't forget to return tomorrow for an HK Special Promotion of a New Artist Friend. And have a nice day, if possible. 12.17.02 Allison Farber claims her NPR-dependence is Not A Problem. In fact, she's made 14 arguments, in no particular order, why NPR might be good for her. Fact, or self-delusion? You decide. Brian Eskridge has found evidence, derived from a bar receipt and a handwriting analysis tome from 1948, that I "had an early start in the path to Amazonian libertinism and matriarchal promiscuousness," among other things. Are you a girl with a left-slanting signature? Do you seek to undermine Man's Natural Order? Are you frequently filled with a strange joy of the forbidden? Please step behind the curtain and let Dr. Alfred O. Mendel reveal your veiled father fixation! This Just In: Schwartz Finds Hobby, Breaks Nose: Deb describes yoga as a "very dangerous sport" Deb finally updates Deb's World View. Please take a good long gander at her story of pain, redemption, and empty threats aimed at her husband. See a photo of Uncle Ira, and Deb's extremely patient Yoga instructor, who is not a sinewy, pony-tailed old man. This also just in: That puppy offer was some sort of lame hoax, I'm told. What an odd, unfunny hoax. Still, they are cute puppies, and HK prides itself on posting cute pictures. It keeps the cute hatas out. Look, I said "hata." 12.16.02 NINE shopping days until Christmas. I am not particularly interested in celebrities, nor contemporary popular culture, nor most things Americans find to be entertaining, but I am happy when the famous people earn their keeps a bit by getting political. So, for the record, the following famous people are lining up in opposition to Bushy's war: Sean Penn, Robert Redford, Susan Sarandon, Gore Vidal and Oliver Stone. Mr. Penn, as I'm sure you've heard, has been touring Baghdad, cigarette dangling from lips, saying things like, "I just came to a point of implosion in my frustration in some of what I was witnessing." He may not be particularly articulate, but he is definitely pissing off the White House. Is it better to fill up at stations that don't use oil from the Middle East? I think so. Aside from the political implications of dependence on Saudi oil, there are few environmental atrocities worse than war. So, thanks Julie Comnick for forwarding: Major companies that do and don't import Middle Eastern oil (for the period 9/1/00 - 8/31/01) Shell Chevron/Texaco Exxon /Mobil Marathon Amoco 205,742,000 barrels 144,332,000 barrels 130,082,000 barrels 117,740,000 barrels 62,231,000 barrels Citgo Sunoco Conoco Sinclair BP/Phillips Hess 0 barrels 0 barrels 0 barrels 0 barrels 0 barrels 0 barrels If you do the math at $30/barrel, these imports amount to over $18 billion. 12.13.02 Happy Friday the Thirteenth, my lucky friends. This has to be a quickie, as I am swamped with actual work. Here are some FREE PUPPIES. Contact this person: suzette.jackson@uspto.gov. Yesterday I promised you a gift guide and a contest, but alas, I promised too much, as I am wont to do. Maybe tomorrow. I will also bring you the thrilling story of Constance being propositioned by Charlie Rose (no, it wasn't dirty. Or was it?). This is the kind of thing that can happen to a person after being featured in This Space for Rent. Keep that in mind. Did you all see The Chosen One, King James, LeBron James last night on ESPN2? I never knew I hated Dick Vitale and Bill Walton until suffering through their nauseating gushing over this 17-year old basketball player. Gross. Here are some "places" that might sell things that the people on your list want: HeadRoom, Failed Pilot, Toys in Babeland, Atomic Books. Love, JM 12.12.02 I was going to post a very handsome graduation picture of Bradley Taylor, but...isn't this funny? These are ER psych nurses in Florida. I don't feel like I need to comment further. Except to say, Congratulations Sir! We are all proud of you! Especially my sister! And we hope the next time we get hammered and incur a serious injury in the Tampa area, you will be there to keep us from swallowing our tongues. Thank you! Tomorrow: Heck's Kitchen's last-minute-online-shoppers guide. And, we begin a new contest called, "Defend Your Nerdy Obsession." Got one? Get defensive about it, why don't you. 12.11.02 I don't like to brag about my brilliant, beautiful friends (I prefer to construct entire websites for that task), but when I convinced Constance to submit to a Heck's Kitchen interview, well, all I could think of was how wonderfully it would reflect upon me. So without further ado, I bring you Constance, a snappy dresser, a New York resident, and the boss of all of us on our high school newspaper. HK: Tell us about Cloud, your hilarious Chinese mom. Constance: First off, I'd like to thank my smashing host, JM/HK/katspank, for having me here today. HK: (blush) Constance: Well, Cloud, like all good folks, had humble beginnings. She grew up in Taiwan, poor, tanned, spirited, and pretty enough for people to urge her towards a flight hostess career, a top aspiration for demure young ladies at the time. But Xiaomei, as she was known at the time, would not have it. She sent a watermelon-lugging suitor packing, was suspended from school for kicking a ball into her teacher's face, hung upside down out of classroom windows to better view the clouds that would inspire her future name, mooed loudly during class, and dreamt of one day becoming a brave horsewoman in the desolate Gobi desert. This woman, sometime thereafter, became JJ, as well as mom to me and my sister. She is now known as Cloud, because that's what people who see her signature self-portrait think she is. When she's pissed off (you can tell, because she yells, "PISSED!"), my sister and I refer to as the "Storm Cloud". Oh yes, she is indeed Chinese and she writes great emails with lines like: "Alas, I don't like commies either. What's a mother to do?" HK: Would you say there is any connection between the origins of Cloud, and your endearing self-deprecating humor? And might that be why you're moving yourself and your poor boyfriend to SHANGHAI??? Constance: Well, like all girls, I'm trying not to be like my mom. Sure, she's fun and kind and strong and wacky, but she's also a bundle of nerves. I may have inherited some of my wackiness from her, though I'm sure my dad would like to claim credit for my sense of humor. The self-deprecating part comes from the low self-esteem one can only garner from growing up Chinese and awkward in central Ohio. Cloud and the Dad do in fact reside in Shanghai, or as we like to call it, Hong Kong. But for a limited time only! So that would be why I am dragging Erik to the dangerous Orient. HK: Contance, I've heard a lot about your secretarial field studies. How long were you in the field before the secretaries began to trust you? Did you notice a social hierarchy among the group? Do you believe they have the capacity to feel pain, like people do? Constance: You're certainly right in that a social hierarchy exists. I am fascinated by secretarial cabals and culture but I must admit I have never been able to reach that inner sanctum of secretaries. I'd like to think that secretaries and other mimical species ("office girls" who like being called "office girls") accept me to some degree, but frankly, I'm a bit too much of a loner to fit in and rise in the ranks. In my current situation, I'm at a start-up, so I ride alone, I answer the phone alone, I fax alone. Though I must speak on behalf of secretaries and assistants everywhere: they are human, they do feel pain, so please give them a wide berth and a bit o' the kindness. They probably didn't get to take lunch for the fifth time this week and are getting paid $10 a day. That's why they construct vacuums of access—to aggregate power and compensate for low quality of work-life and pay. HK: Mmm, very interesting. Now, would you share with our readers the names of four inanimate objects in your household? Also, does it bother you that your old friends still call you "Connie," and if so, how will you stop us? Constance: "Harriet" the philodendron "Harriet" the hippopotamus "Pot" the bear "Leff" the apartment itself Thanks for your concern but I'm okay with the "Connie", even though Cloud feels that it is a trashy-sounding name, and its mention in a Jeff Foxworthy book ("You know you're a redneck if...you have a tattoo of your woman's name on your arm and it's Betty Lou or Connie") corroborates that. Sometimes Erik calls me "shortpie" which I am not okay with. HK: I just have to ask for our readers, How DO you get your hair to do that? Constance: Well, dahling, some of us have it, and some of us do not. (Insert rich people laugh, which I stole from the people I work for.) Actually, I just use the same hair care product that Jenny does! HK: Parting thoughts? Constance: Gosh. It's a tremendous honor. I've been a big fan of Jenny's for years, and this is a dream come true. I really appreciate this opportunity to get my very important message of whining out to the hoi polloi. Smooches, darlings! And of course, a big shout-out to Jimmy Carter for his Nobel Peace Prize! ********* I said we were done with the King of Pop, but I was wrong, of course. I guarantee you will be glad you read Moonwalker In Neverland, by Hank Stuever. Excerpt: "Another person will no doubt have cause to drag him into a courtroom for some reason or another. At this metamorphic rate, what will respond to the summons will not be a man at all, but something contained in a jar, carried to and from the proceedings by an attorney or two. The jar will be speaking in a whisper, and cameras will be clicking in disbelief. Michael Jackson engenders a kind of disbelief that, on the whole, isn't the worst thing a man could be remembered for. The jar of goo will weep and not exactly answer the questions asked of it. The jar of goo will say all it ever wanted to do was help the children." 12.10.02 NEW. NEW. NEW. Today we debut the Songs Section (to be better-named when inspiration strikes). It'll look kind of like this: The Softies: Sleep Away Your Troubles Mirah: Sweepstakes Prize Magnetic Fields: All My Little Words And it will generally be dominated by songs I think are Perfectly Sad. But feel free to send me MP3s! The new song section will be over there to the right where the Super Bonus Fun Float has been floating. Need a free player? Click here: Winamp download For dessert try Steve DeFrank, LiteBrite artist, and Timothy Wilson, photorealistic painter of old toys. Colorful, representational, and accessible for the masses. From the Corcoran Connection. 12.09.02 What luck! The Notorious Margaret Cho will be interviewed on NPR's All Things Considered today! If you haven't seen her latest, you are really doing yourself a disservice. And if you get it on DVD, you will be treated to a commentary track by Ms. Cho in the persona of her mother. Her real parents are also featured on the DVD. Yay! Oops, I have illegally used this image. Some reviews: The most hilarious movie - the most hilarious thing - on planet Earth. - The Bergen Record. Surely every one of Cho's blow jobs is a blow for freedom. - Toronto Eye. Speaking of which, please see also: Margaret meets Bill Clinton. 12.07.02 Check out this guy Kojo Griffin's work. He's going to be at the Corcoran's 47th Biennial. It has been noted by one art critic that his stuff has similarities to HK friend Julie Comnick's. Today I booked a BUS ticket to Tampa for Christmas. Twenty hours on the dog. Do you have a special Greyhound horror story? Send it asap to katspank@hotmail.com. 12.06.02 The top 10 names of 2001: Girls' Names 1. Emily 2. Hannah 3. Kaitlyn 4. Madison 5. Sarah 6. Hailey 7. Ashley 8. Brianna 9. Samantha 10. Jasmine Boys' Names 1. Jacob 2. Michael 3. Nicholas 4. Matthew 5. Joshua 6. Andrew 7. Joseph 8. Christopher 9. Anthony 10. Dylan (I know this is a Sensitive Issue so) I'm NOT saying any one of these girls' names is bad, (ok, I think Brianna kind of sucks): in fact, taken alone they are quite lovely...but....WTF is up with the trend to ultrafeminization? Just say these names aloud, and the enduring impression is...something like the memory of a head on a feather pillow. Clearly Madison came from a movie I missed, and other than that the only name with a decent consonant is Kaitlyn. The boys are boringly Biblical as usual, except for Dylan, our mildly rebellious, albeit standard, rugged individualist. Boys, we shall name you without an ounce of whimsy, because what is expected of men above all else is conformity conformity conformity. Girls, we wouldn't think to weigh you down with substance and gravity. Go be pretty. This just in: my friend Sarah thinks I'm full of shit, but helpfully offers: "BTW, Madison is from Splash, which has been playing on TNT an awful lot la