bad motherfuckers

Say baby, do you know who I am?

I fantasize about playing this in yoga class. Please, enjoy.

Say baby, do you know who I am?
I'm Bom Bim, Two-Time Slim, the High Sheriff sent from Hell!!

I'm the motherfucker that rode zig-zag lightnin' down the middle of the Panama Canal
I'm known from the coast of Maine to the coast of Spain
You can look on the Golden Gate Bridge and see my goddamn name!
I was converted with two 45s on my side
And baptized in a barrel of butcher knives

The sting of Zorro's whip can't mark my hide
A rattlesnake bit me and that motherfucker crawled off and died
I hunt trouble every day of my life
And peace and quiet I do despise

You see, baby, I'm forty-eight inches across my chest
And don't fear a goddamn thing between life and death
I'm the baddest motherfucker you've ever seen
I'm worse that a buckin' nightmare in a midnight dream

You see everything that I do is wrong
If I go to the store, I stay too long
If I bring back butter, I shoulda got lard
When I get ready to fuck, my dick ain't hard

But don't play me cheap 'cause I'm skinnin' and grinnin' and doin' my little laugh
'Cause I'm the type of cocksucker to start a uprisin' in a motherfucker's ass

Yeah!

I might as well get shitty right on down to the bone
You know I beat three murder cases before I was grown

I carry a .38 Special built on a 45 frame
It shoots tombstone bullets, ball and chain
I sing graveyard songs and I ain't lyin'
I'm a bad motherfucker and I don't mind dyin'

I bolted down lightnin' and captured thunder
I've done some shit that made the whole world wonder
Durin' the war the army laid down their guns and I won the fight
I been known to eat a wild gorilla from asshole to appetite

Among the whores you might hear my name ring
But a bitch with a head shaped like a four-way cold tablet liable to say any Goddamned thing

You know, when I go home I have to walk forty-four miles of barbed wire
When I dress to go out, I wear a cobra snake for a necktie
My house is high on a cliff and it hangs over the edge,
And it's made outta human skulls
And if I don't start some shit and kick twenty badasses, 'fore noon,
My whole day seems kinda dull!!
Yeah!

The drink I like best is hydrochloric acid, and I keep me some around
I pissed next to a fireproof bomb shelter and burnt that motherfucker down!
But I want you to excuse me for being so bold
But I'm the type of son-of-a-bitch that crawled over fifty good pussies
To get to one fat boy's asshole

You see, when I was young and in my prime
You see, I could catch a whore any old time
Now I'm old and gray and very cold
And can't get a bitch to save my soul

So up to it,
Down to it,
And damn the man that won't do it
But he'll run his nasty hand through it
He oughta be tied to it
And made to do it
'Cause he ain't used to it.

Yeah!
I'm Bom Bim, Two-Time Slim.

July 25, 2011

sandy?!

Stepdad: "I hope that's not Mandy!"

My sister on her way to a Mad Men party.

Overheard in my life

Butt confidence

"In those pants my ass could rule the world."

books we'll never write

the cemetery letters: once more, with feeling!

From Bob (and as ever, the Huntington Herald-Dispatch Voice of the People), "So, this one is superawesome."

Graveside flower thief should burn

I hope the "low-life" who stole the $176.98 worth of flowers off the tombstones of the Adams and Meadows graves at Greenbottom Cemetery burns for eternity.

Louise Adams

Lesage

love

He's Ken's® Buddy™

From Miss Mess by way of Reddit.

All of Ken's clothes fit him!

July 20, 2011

Class

Your Boyfriend

From NYC Rebecca: "Someone get me this guy's number."

the fibers are coming

Maladies

Our old internet friend Kittenpants, known in "RL" as "Darci Ratliff" is getting a hysterectomy. Hopefully that's not where she keeps her hystericals. FAQs About My Uterus. Also, (breaking) she will be live Tweeting the operation. Score one for The Future!

And from the category Shit You Didn't Even Know You Had to Worry About (look for it soon on your evening news), holy fuck! from Rebecca: Morgellons: A hidden epidemic or mass hysteria?

pictorials

Nathalia Estrada Birthday Jamz, the Photos

Picasa set by Mr. Dan Weisburg

My sister made a delicious, professional-grade dirt cake.

Then we sang Nat's birthday song, Violet.

July 17, 2011

more & More funtimes

Nathalia Estrada Birthday Jamz!

This Saturday night at this Hideaway (not that Hideaway), a bunch of rad music makers will be celebrating Nat! Including Nat! Doors at 6, show at 8, $5. *CHEAP*

The guest of honor at work.

Lady Poshia Salad

A known Drag Queen in the region

Who was asking about bottom training? I heart Ohio, the Heart of it All.

great ideas

Cloyd thimks

From Bob, "ooh! here's a good one!" Thanks again, Huntington Herald-Dispatch.

Tackling issues in the Tri-State and beyond

Instead of putting barges along the river bank in Westmoreland and ruining one of the few decent neighborhoods left in Huntington, give the company permission to place barges along the bank next to Harris Riverfront Park. The attractive barges could provide additional income to help pay for the extravagant remodeling on Fourth Avenue.

It's amazing how many federal judges agree with homosexuals that their "rights" are being denied because they cannot marry a person of the same sex. To solve the problem, why not outlaw marriage in any form. Then homosexuals would never be born, so their "rights" could not be denied.

It's time to take "911" calls out of the government's hands and give ambulance service back to the funeral homes. The funeral homes were not up to today's standards but, at the time, there was nothing else. Funeral home ambulance service did an excellent job and they didn't collect tax money. The current system has a never-ending tax demand and outlandish service charges. Dialing "911" should not be a problem with today's technology.

Close all the government-supported colleges and universities and let private institutions fill the void. Students cannot afford tuition to pay for football, basketball, tenures for professors and hundreds of subjects promoting worthless liberal causes.

The politicians are again dividing voting districts to give themselves voting advantage. There should be a way to take this kind of self-serving power away from them.

Medicare is expensive to operate because for every dollar a doctor charges, there are hundreds of federal and government created expenses being paid. There is nothing wrong with Medicare. There is very much wrong with how it is administered.

Cloyd Childers

South Point, Ohio

sister: "she makes a great witch!"

Pottered

Guess which nerds went to the red carpet premiere of Harry Potter in New York City.

July 13, 2011

this space for rent

Fall into the magic of reading

From: Kentucky Neil
Subject: Wugazi

Wugazi: Wu-Tang Clan and Fugazi, Together at Last

Well Alysia is moving to louisville next month, so fuck, what's it gonna take to get you to fly in for a couple of days and have a drink or whatnot?

love you miss you what's life like? gotta go bye!!!!!

attached picture: "Old Bastard, #1"

MP3: until my host shuts me down

July 9, 2011

this space for rent

Most modern art is a scam

From: Dan Weisburg
Subject: Heck's Kitchen

Hi Jenny,

I noticed that your blog site has been vacant of new content for a while. I was thinking that maybe you should sub-let it. Or just rally your viewers to provide a day’s worth of content each - and if we all pitch in it won’t go fallow.

I'll start.

I read two articles this week about relationships. The New York Times article was about infidelity and the New Yorker article was about dating web-sites. I suggest that you read the New Yorker article first and the Times article afterward. Dating before cheating – the sequence makes for an interesting look at the difficult nature of relationships.

Looking for Someone, The New Yorker.

Married, With Infidelities, New York Times.

I was in NYC last week with a Swiss friend who has never been to NY so we did a lot of the tourist things. I thought that the Anthropologies store window in Manhattan was more beautiful and creative then much of what I saw in MOMA. I think most modern art is a scam.

The display is made up of thousands of slides mounted on backlit plexi.

I entered a photograph of mine into a contest last week. I took it years ago in India and it was lost in the stacks for a long time. I’m glad I don’t throw away my old slides because I have begun to really love this one. The oxen in the background were grinding grain while the children graciously allowed me to shoot their portraits.

I’m not sure you accept yoga free content but that’s all I have from the better side of the bay.

Dan

official statement

sorry

Sarah: is hk dead? i mourn.
me: no.
im just
on a little break perhaps tonight...

Tonight!

July 6, 2011

bob: boy, you've let your website go like a used car salesman's waistline.

June 30, 2011

Mark Twain Cried

The Story of Tesla

I started watching these My Drunk Kitchen vids Ranger Ted posted on the board over there, and they're sort of medium funny, but they reminded me to check to see if there might be a new Drunk History (maximum funny). I hadn't seen this one, and it's no Jen Kirkman on Oney Judge, but it is about Tesla, which reminds me, Megs, are you done with my Bill Bryson book yet? And to whomever I lent my copy of Devil in the White City, give it back.

Caution: dude does spew pineapple chunks in this episode.

Drunk History vol. 6 w/ John C. Reilly & Crispin Glover from John C Reilly

Important Discovery

Speaking of drunk history and inventions, yesterday I made a pretty important discovery myself: cellphones are sentient beings. As you may know, three weeks ago my cellphone suddenly lost its ability to display letters or numbers or characters on its keypad, a development which has now made me the Helen Keller of texting. If I sent you an emoticon in June, know that that smiley took some damn effort. I'm rather proud of this strange skill, but since it's not impressive to anyone else, what's the use, right? So I purchased a new phone online, and yesterday, the day it came, THE DAY IT CAME, after nearly a month of 48 keys staring blankly at me, my phone magically returned to normal. Lo, there are numbers, letters, punctuation. Oh, I know it's temporary, the phone is just scared straight for now. But my points are A) THE PHONE KNOWS and B) THE PHONE CARES. Imagine the implications.

I was on a roll of brilliance so that night I asked my friends Rebecca and Ngaire if they thought souls were discrete entities and, if so, do they inhabit different bodies throughout time, working on their little issues, continually progressing for eternity, or is that a bunch of shit? We figured it out, but I don't want to hurt your feelings.

June 22, 2011

#bookstokids*

Do-Gooder Friends

(*Brian's fallen in love with the Twitter hashtag joke.)

Brian Minter to me

Dear Heck's Kitchen,

Please enjoy this awesome video I made of the awesome stuff I did at work today.

Sincerely, Brian

PS. Brian is the man in this picture.

Milestones, or not

June 21

Today is the longest day of the year. It sure feels like it.

popularity

Friends of Waffles

Sunday morning, with Arlo, Sidney Poitier, and Waffles.

WTF?

TCO

AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Cuteache. Erik with ECAC-G aka Cloud Jr. aka how fucking adorable can a mortal critter be?

June 21, 2011

Careers

Best job ever

From: LD
Subject: Best job ever

Overheard at the climbing gym parking lot

a dad and 20something daughter get out of an acura SUV:

Girl: I bet being a yoga teacher is the best job.
Dad: yeah but it doesn't make any money
Girl: no but it must be so relaxing, its the best job for your mental health. But you could only be a yoga teacher while someone else makes the money.

National Treasure

Female audience member: Mr. Colbert, have you been fucking Matt Damon?
Stephen Colbert: Why? Did his dick taste like me?

Overheard by: Cynthia
via Celebrity Wit, Jun 17, 2008

June 20, 2011

stars

I don't know and I don't care

For my fishes, a reprieve from giving a fuck.

In the chorus of my band's song "Apathy and Ignorance," I sing, "What is the difference between apathy and ignorance?" and the other two singers chant, "I don't know and I don't care." I recommend you make that chant your mantra in the coming days, Pisces: "I don't know and I don't care." You really do need to experiment with a mischievous state of mind that is blithely heedless of what anyone thinks about anything. You have the right and the privilege to be free of expectations, precedents, and dogmas. Trust your intuition above all other influences! It's an excellent time to at least temporarily declare your independence from everything that's not interesting or useful or helpful or appealing.